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Need Some Advice After A Virtual Speed Dating Event


Ugly_Duckling
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21 minutes ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Oh I use it for other sites not just this forum. I used it for years and its easy to remember. The reasons in the name honestly. I find myself very ugly and its always been that way since i was young. Its probobly why im single. But yea thats it. I think its important that I remind myself of it so the username came.

  I had kind of guessed that was it.  You don't seem to lack self confidence as you approach women, go on speed dating and the like.  Do you think how you view yourself comes across when you meet someone new?  Possibly self deprecating?

 I am not here to judge how attractive you are whether it be emotionally, physically or socially because what matters most is how you view yourself.  I still scratch my head at Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts dating all those years ago but it proves that all of this is in the eye of the beholder.  

Some things in life we have to play the cards we were dealt but there are a great many we can discard and get better cards in our hand.  Do you think you have some improvements you can make within yourself? If so what would they be and are you willing to go there?

 Lost 

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9 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

But you did say your fine with being closed minded and thats ok.

It's just not for me. That doesn't mean that I think it's bad, or that other people shouldn't do it. I just find that for me personally, it is a waste of time. This is based upon my own experience spending hours upon hours (days, if I'm honest) playing video games as a teenager and in my early 20s. One day I realized that I was wasting my time. I've rarely touched a video game since then (25 years).

As an adult, I don't see gaming as an attractive quality in another person but it's also not going to make me run screaming--as is evidenced by my 9.5-year relationship with my boyfriend. I gladly let him be as he is and I happily provide an audience to anything he wants to tell me about whatever game he's playing.

So, I don't think it's fair to say that I am 'close-minded.' I simply see no reason to abandon my own opinion and say that agree with something that I don't agree with. And frankly, I think a harmonious co-existence between people who disagree on things is the very definition of open-mindedness. I think we need more tolerance and respect for differing opinions in this world.

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On 1/9/2022 at 12:31 AM, lostandhurt said:

  I had kind of guessed that was it.  You don't seem to lack self confidence as you approach women, go on speed dating and the like.  Do you think how you view yourself comes across when you meet someone new?  Possibly self deprecating?

 I am not here to judge how attractive you are whether it be emotionally, physically or socially because what matters most is how you view yourself.  I still scratch my head at Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts dating all those years ago but it proves that all of this is in the eye of the beholder.  

Some things in life we have to play the cards we were dealt but there are a great many we can discard and get better cards in our hand.  Do you think you have some improvements you can make within yourself? If so what would they be and are you willing to go there?

 Lost 

I’ve only approached women mostly in online dating or virtual speed dating. Approaching them in public ive only done a handful of times years ago and those were people i already kind of knew already. It failed every time. I don’t think it comes off when I meet people I’m pretty good at hiding it. If anything they would assume I’m shy.

I know physical improvements I’d make. As for internal, I don’t know I’m actually pretty talkative and joke around alot.  I’m pretty confident in my personality. Nobody sees that though unless your a close friend, I cant force it out. If the persons talkative so am I. I can talk and joke with someone I’ve met one time and never speak to people I’ve known for 20 years and vice versa. Just want people to listen so I’m not invisible. Confident in the personality yes, but its ruined by experiances. I can make improvements and willing too. But past help didnt help. Don’t know what else is left. 

 

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On 1/9/2022 at 9:52 AM, Jibralta said:

It's just not for me. That doesn't mean that I think it's bad, or that other people shouldn't do it. I just find that for me personally, it is a waste of time. This is based upon my own experience spending hours upon hours (days, if I'm honest) playing video games as a teenager and in my early 20s. One day I realized that I was wasting my time. I've rarely touched a video game since then (25 years).

As an adult, I don't see gaming as an attractive quality in another person but it's also not going to make me run screaming--as is evidenced by my 9.5-year relationship with my boyfriend. I gladly let him be as he is and I happily provide an audience to anything he wants to tell me about whatever game he's playing.

So, I don't think it's fair to say that I am 'close-minded.' I simply see no reason to abandon my own opinion and say that agree with something that I don't agree with. And frankly, I think a harmonious co-existence between people who disagree on things is the very definition of open-mindedness. I think we need more tolerance and respect for differing opinions in this world.

I didnt know you used to play games. Thats fair, nothing wrong with losing interest. But it seems like you found other fun hobbies from your last message. So thats cool. 

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As the saying goes "One bite at a time is the best way to eat a sandwich"

Pick one thing you can focus on and have control over and work to improve that one thing.

   It sounds like you have a lot of pieces of the puzzle already you just need to put them all together.

What is the one thing you would like to improve?

Lost

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On 1/11/2022 at 11:43 AM, lostandhurt said:

As the saying goes "One bite at a time is the best way to eat a sandwich"

Pick one thing you can focus on and have control over and work to improve that one thing.

   It sounds like you have a lot of pieces of the puzzle already you just need to put them all together.

What is the one thing you would like to improve?

Lost

My looks but that costs so much money. The second would be conversational skills. Im starting to work on that currently actually. Its going slow I dont see people everyday. But its the biggest thing I can do right now. This way my mind wont go blank talking to people mostly women and maybe work on being more interesting when I talk. But thats mostly what I want to do right now.

How would you get over going blank? Conversations go perfectly in my mind, its weird how it doesnt translate to real life.

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6 minutes ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

My looks but that costs so much money. The second would be conversational skills. Im starting to work on that currently actually. Its going slow I dont see people everyday. But its the biggest thing I can do right now. This way my mind wont go blank talking to people mostly women and maybe work on being more interesting when I talk. But thats mostly what I want to do right now.

How would you get over going blank? Conversations go perfectly in my mind, its weird how it doesnt translate to real life.

By asking follow up questions and paying attention to the answers plus good eye contact.  If you truly want to get to know someone you'll naturally know what to ask and what is appropriate to ask.  I think the mind going blank is because you're searching for something "interesting" to say.  Instead, ask a question or follow up question.

People love to talk about themselves -doesn't make them self absorbed -often means they're trying to connect by sharing anecdotes or details they think you might relate to.  Why put pressure on yourself to be "interesting?"  The other day I spoke to a new acquaintance.  We're talking because I'm trying to help her with her job search.  We originally connected on a Facebook moms group. 

The topic changed to covid-safe places to travel to with our families so I shared that we went to Vegas in November.  She asked what it was like to go there with a child (children aren't allowed in the casinos) so I said -well I told my son he had to earn his keep, I dropped him off at the casino and told him he could come back when he'd earned enough for our hotel stay." 

This is our second conversation.  This is my sense of humor.  Is it "interesting?" No -but it's a way to connect, to laugh a little.  And if she'd found it not funny or thought I was serious in any intense way (she wasn't sure at first lol) then I'd know we're probably not going to connect too much.  I think lighthearted banter is a great way to get to know someone and see if you "click."

Edited by Batya33
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As for looks, let me ask you something...when you look around, do you only see attractive people married or in relationships? Or have you seen less attractive or even UNattractive people also in love relationships?

Using your looks as an excuse is a crutch. But I'm glad you plan to work on your conversation skills.

I like it when someone asks me questions about a mutual interest, or when they ask me about something they've never done or experienced. For example, I've performed in several parades. I also used to pit crew for an auto racing team. People often ask me about those things because they aren't super common. But also, people who have done those things share their experiences. It's an automatic topic that can be great conversation starters.

Find something they do that you don't know much about and ask questions or discuss something you have in common. Either way can be great for getting to know people.

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Your looks are the cards you were dealt so stop stressing over that as you cannot easily change them and frankly that is something that needs to be considered very carefully.  There are tons of "beautiful people" in this world that are miserable and alone.

  You are getting some great advice on conversations skills so pay close attention.  This is what you need to focus on is the style and skill of conversation, not content.  If you tried to memorize topics to talk about or jokes to be funny then yes you are bound to go blank at the worst time but if you do as suggested above then that is real and genuine and easy. Also if your life is one dimensional then holding interesting conversations with people will be difficult.  

  What are your interests? Hobbies? particular skill set? Talents?

 Lost 

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On 1/12/2022 at 3:43 PM, Batya33 said:

By asking follow up questions and paying attention to the answers plus good eye contact.  If you truly want to get to know someone you'll naturally know what to ask and what is appropriate to ask.  I think the mind going blank is because you're searching for something "interesting" to say.  Instead, ask a question or follow up question.

People love to talk about themselves -doesn't make them self absorbed -often means they're trying to connect by sharing anecdotes or details they think you might relate to.  Why put pressure on yourself to be "interesting?"  The other day I spoke to a new acquaintance.  We're talking because I'm trying to help her with her job search.  We originally connected on a Facebook moms group. 

The topic changed to covid-safe places to travel to with our families so I shared that we went to Vegas in November.  She asked what it was like to go there with a child (children aren't allowed in the casinos) so I said -well I told my son he had to earn his keep, I dropped him off at the casino and told him he could come back when he'd earned enough for our hotel stay." 

This is our second conversation.  This is my sense of humor.  Is it "interesting?" No -but it's a way to connect, to laugh a little.  And if she'd found it not funny or thought I was serious in any intense way (she wasn't sure at first lol) then I'd know we're probably not going to connect too much.  I think lighthearted banter is a great way to get to know someone and see if you "click."

I usually try to think of something interesting not because I really want to but because I feel I have too. I’ve had good conversations with people I thought would lead to something so we make plans. They eventually always have an excuse why we cant hangout. I dont bug them about it they just voluneer these excuses and we never do anything and we just separate ways. Other times the person looks so bored or they seem like there trying to speed up the conversation so they can leave. Other times it feels like an interview where I’m pulling information out of them. 

So I really dont know how to go about it. Thats how most of my conversations go. The advice you gave I get that alot. But when I try it I get what I mentioned above.

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On 1/12/2022 at 3:44 PM, boltnrun said:

As for looks, let me ask you something...when you look around, do you only see attractive people married or in relationships? Or have you seen less attractive or even UNattractive people also in love relationships?

Using your looks as an excuse is a crutch. But I'm glad you plan to work on your conversation skills.

I like it when someone asks me questions about a mutual interest, or when they ask me about something they've never done or experienced. For example, I've performed in several parades. I also used to pit crew for an auto racing team. People often ask me about those things because they aren't super common. But also, people who have done those things share their experiences. It's an automatic topic that can be great conversation starters.

Find something they do that you don't know much about and ask questions or discuss something you have in common. Either way can be great for getting to know people.

Yes I see most people in relationships attractive depending on age. Meaning I’m refering to people around my age or younger not like in there 70s. I’m looking at people around my age because those are who I’d date. I’ve seen unatractive also but the thing is I’ve never seen it mixed outside a movie where the fat guy gets the attractive girl. In real life I’ve only seen attractive with attractive and unattractive with unattractive. Celebrities dont really count. There relationships are either a publicity thing or they relate through money and the acting career. Most likely because dating a regular person could be an obsessed fan or fell in love with the celebrities characters not actually them. I only know a handful of celebrities who married regular people. I believe Hugh Jackman married a noncelebrity.

Not sure what you mean by using my looks as a crutch. What do you mean?

You have done some pretty cool things. I do ask people about themselves, thats all I really do because they dont ask about me.

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On 1/13/2022 at 1:19 AM, lostandhurt said:

Your looks are the cards you were dealt so stop stressing over that as you cannot easily change them and frankly that is something that needs to be considered very carefully.  There are tons of "beautiful people" in this world that are miserable and alone.

  You are getting some great advice on conversations skills so pay close attention.  This is what you need to focus on is the style and skill of conversation, not content.  If you tried to memorize topics to talk about or jokes to be funny then yes you are bound to go blank at the worst time but if you do as suggested above then that is real and genuine and easy. Also if your life is one dimensional then holding interesting conversations with people will be difficult.  

  What are your interests? Hobbies? particular skill set? Talents?

 Lost 

Well I’m intrested in architectural styles, museums, art, forign films. I write short stories, teach and practice game design as well as art. Hiking, walking, photography. Thats some stuff I like.

But yea all the advice is really good and I’m practicing it. I just hope I can keep people engaged and not bored.

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3 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

I just hope I can keep people engaged and not bored.

This right here has to stop.  From what you described you have a lot of very interesting hobbies, skills and interests so stop thinking you are not worthy of being listened to and appreciated.

 If you are the most fascinating person in the world but you doubt yourself and it shows people will lean away from that vibe.  If you know what you are talking about and aren't a cocky jerk it is all good but just don't be one of those people that just wait for their turn to talk and don't really listen to others.

  Being a good listener is a huge part of being a great conversationalist.

Lost

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On 1/4/2022 at 5:20 PM, Ugly_Duckling said:

There’s really no way to stand out

You don’t need to stand out to everyone, just the right one. And, you won’t need to bend over backwards to do so, you’ll just stand out to her naturally being yourself if you are the right people for each other. The best advice, honestly, is just be yourself. If you’re not good at marketing yourself though, ask a friend, maybe a female friend, to help you with your pictures and profile.

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13 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

I’ve seen unatractive also but the thing is I’ve never seen it mixed outside a movie where the fat guy gets the attractive girl.

 

13 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

In real life I’ve only seen attractive with attractive and unattractive with unattractive.

This is interesting.  Are you saying you only want to date "attractive" women?  Is there some scale where you determine if a woman is conventionally attractive enough for you to be interested in her?  And are you solely talking about physical appearance or do you have other factors that cause you to be attracted to a woman?

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On 1/15/2022 at 1:04 AM, lostandhurt said:

This right here has to stop.  From what you described you have a lot of very interesting hobbies, skills and interests so stop thinking you are not worthy of being listened to and appreciated.

 If you are the most fascinating person in the world but you doubt yourself and it shows people will lean away from that vibe.  If you know what you are talking about and aren't a cocky jerk it is all good but just don't be one of those people that just wait for their turn to talk and don't really listen to others.

  Being a good listener is a huge part of being a great conversationalist.

Lost

I have been told I’m a good listener quite few times. But how do I go about not douting myself? I read an article on a site called INC. I believe its also a magazine. It listed 11 qualities every confident person has and what to do. One said to always have an interesting story ready to tell when someone says “Hows it going?”. Also said I should take Improv classes and Public Speaking classes. Aside from the storytelling, are the two classes necessary? Several articles give different advise or add more. Trying to learn this stuff so late in life is difficult because I’ve already gone through stuff thats made me think a certin way. Now its got to be undone somehow.

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On 1/15/2022 at 2:41 AM, LotusBlack said:

You don’t need to stand out to everyone, just the right one. And, you won’t need to bend over backwards to do so, you’ll just stand out to her naturally being yourself if you are the right people for each other. The best advice, honestly, is just be yourself. If you’re not good at marketing yourself though, ask a friend, maybe a female friend, to help you with your pictures and profile.

I am just myself, others have gave me the same advice. But being myself never actually worked. I can keep trying though but so far it hasnt. I dont have any female friends to help. If I did this maybe alot easier since I’d know more about women and how to go about talking to them. Making friends is just as hard as getting a girlfriend, I haven’t mentioned that though since thats not what I was originally talking about. If I can do that I’d probobly make the girlfriend thing a little easier also. Meaning I’d be better at getting peoples attention. Writing a profile is ok it can use some work, but pictures alway look like garbage. 

Theres nobdy to ask but I came across professional profile writting sites. You pay to have someone write it. They do pictures I think as well.

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On 1/15/2022 at 11:14 AM, boltnrun said:

 

This is interesting.  Are you saying you only want to date "attractive" women?  Is there some scale where you determine if a woman is conventionally attractive enough for you to be interested in her?  And are you solely talking about physical appearance or do you have other factors that cause you to be attracted to a woman?

I’m not saying I only want to date attractive women. What someone thinks is attractive someone else may not. If I say I only want to date attractive women that attraction might look different to you. Theres no scale for me. But there are scales online like The Attractiveness Scale: The Standardized Scale To Measuring Looks. I’m no where near a 10 I’m like 3,2, or 1, according to it. To think I can get a women that looks like a model like most guys I see would be delusional. I’m definitely not delusional at all. Not that I’m looking for a model but I’m just saying.

In my previous post I’m only talking about physical attraction because I dont know the people. But not just physical, I like intelligents, kindness, affection, good conversation, and others. But also attraction is in everything we do. You buy specific clothes because you like they or wear them to attract people, you eat food that looks appealing no pale, dry, and gross. Women wear makeup to look nice especially at formal occations. We buy cars that are appealing, some people really into cars go as far as calling them sexy. Attraction is in everything and if your ugly your ignored or tossed aside. Theres lots of examples in life like this. Attractive people are more sussesful, there perseved as more trustworthy, etc… I can go on and on. A person is lying if they say looks arent important, believe me I know. Society is based on Lookism.

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3 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

I dont have any female friends to help. If I did this maybe alot easier since I’d know more about women and how to go about talking to them. Making friends is just as hard as getting a girlfriend, I haven’t mentioned that though since thats not what I was originally talking about.

Interesting that you say this because I've always gravitated towards guys that make good friends. If a guy didn't seem to have any interest in being my friend, I didn't have much interest in being his girlfriend. I think this is one reason why I wasn't a big huge fan of online dating. It's so hyper-focused on 'relationships.' But what's a relationship without a solid, underlying friendship? Not much, in my opinion.

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2 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

 Society is based on Lookism.

You need to get rid of this superficial thinking. 

You're creating your own misery by insisting everyone is only out for the hottest sexiest coolest whatever.

However it's you who is hung up on this. You're heading dangerously close to the bitter incels mindset that embraces this twisted thinking.

 

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Interesting that you say this because I've always gravitated towards guys that make good friends. If a guy didn't seem to have any interest in being my friend, I didn't have much interest in being his girlfriend. I think this is one reason why I wasn't a big huge fan of online dating. It's so hyper-focused on 'relationships.' But what's a relationship without a solid, underlying friendship? Not much, in my opinion.

For me the friendship evolved with the romance.  I felt that assuming that it couldn't was too cynical.  I didn't have sex right away -in fact, typically waited months and as we dated we got to know each other overall -not in categories like friendship/romance.  But I know that's just me!

OP - no, don't be yourself in early dating.  Why? If you're like me you feel stressed/insecure when first meeting someone you might be into.  So when I felt that way I wasn't "myself" -I was a person who felt unusually insecure about making a good first impression and "will he call??" so I did a lot of what the book The Rules advised- except several years before it was published.  When it was published it was Same old Same old.  For me. 

I relied on external guidelines/rules so that I didn't react to that early insecurity by being needy or overwhelming -because both of those are so self-absorbed and you can't get to know someone over a long period of time to establish that foundation if you're wanting this reassurance, this "insta-relationship" which is focused not on the other person but inward. 

So yes- gasp- I declined dates for the weekend back then if he asked me after Wednesday night (back then -no internet -landlines only) - much of the time I was busy already and sometimes I decided "I'd rather take myself on a date than be someone else's afterthought". 

I made myself not try too hard or be passive (meaning "too nice") - I taught people how to treat me even though I myself -at that early dating stage -was feeling insecure.  And yes I didn't respond to all phone calls right away unless it was about making and confirming plans (I stopped dating in 2005 -didn't yet have a cell phone -so I did some IM but no texting).

I didn't have sex early on even if I "felt like it" (which I did more often in my teens/20s -later the idea of casual sex turned my stomach) - I didn't overshare -feelings, my past, what I wanted (other than I made it clear without being pushy that I was marriage and family-oriented and the ones who ran the other way -- buh bye, good riddance). The ones who were early sex-focused, buh bye, good riddance.  Mostly I was treated with a lot of respect and I dated a ton.  The men who were interested were interested in getting to know me at a reasonable pace.

So no don't be yourself if you're feeling insecure as I did when I really was into someone especially right off the bat.  Hold back a bit, - a bit -give the person space to get to know you, pace yourself even if your feelings/heart are saying "I want to text her again because she hasn't responded in an hour!!!!".  Don't just go with your impulsive feelings that are based on insecurity because that's not fair to yourself or the other person.  Be more of yourself over time as you get to know the person.

And stop reading those silly articles lol.

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7 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

if your ugly your ignored or tossed aside.

Again, I have seen plenty of so-called "ugly" people who are in successful love relationships. Love and romance are not reserved only for the supremely physically beautiful.

But you said you only see unattractive people with other unattractive people, as though that is bad. No, it just means those people found one another and fell in love. I know of a YouTuber, for example, who is 5'6" and 340 pounds, is balding and has a blood spot in his eye. And he has an adorable girlfriend. But he has an upbeat, positive and engaging personality. He isn't lamenting his lack of physical attractiveness.

Yes, attitude matters.

And I would not bother paying someone to write your profile or give you conversation topics. You can practice conversation with family members or a trusted friend.

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