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Need Some Advice After A Virtual Speed Dating Event


Ugly_Duckling
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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'd avoid any mention of "they" or "society" - you are one person looking for another person who potentially can be a good match for you . You're not dating "they" or "society".  And telling yourself all those negative generalizations and having a pity party and blaming "society" is going to seep into your body language and how you interact with people.  In a bad way.  

Being rude to certain people who have low self esteem will trigger a challenge/thrill of the chase response in that person.  It will result in at best a short term relationship.  Being a person who is busy, fulfilled and knows what he is worth attracts the right kind of people -and being too busy for a last minute after thought date isn't rude -it's having healthy boundaries. 

Refusing to keep calling someone who doesn't return your call isn't rude -it's healthy boundaries.  If you do that and the person then apologizes or asks for another chance you decide how you feel.  That person may respect you more for having healthy boundaries.  A person who is attracted to rude behavior likely is quite insecure or just wants the thrill of the chase.  Once the thrill fades so does the person.

When my husband and I got back together after 8 years apart having dated in the past we were very up front with each other while getting to know each other slowly (meaning we saw each other 3 times in 4 weeks, platonically, then had a conversation).  Our conversation about getting back together lasted about 2-3 minutes.  Short and sweet because we were on the same page, wanted to be with each other, and had the same future goals.  There was no game about it or drama. 

Same with asking someone out on a date.  Short and sweet.  Plan in advance - time, place, suggested activity.  Show up on time, look nice, be nice and know she has to keep up at least 50% of the conversation.  If the person wants to go on a date with you it will be easy and the logistics will be easy other than unusual stuff like the person is sick, going out of town, etc.  And even then if a person wants to plan she will plan even weeks in advance. 

You're making this into some societal catastrophe and blaming "they" - but it's about finding one person - is it easy?  For some yes, for me it was extremely difficult and challenging.  I got in my own way at times.  Really time consuming.  Not because of society's fault or "they" - because it just is.  Some things we want the most take blood sweat and tears and persistence.  Then you get to look across the room at the tween you gave birth to who got up before 7am and has Covid Hair.  It's worth it I promise.  (Even if you do not want a marital commitment or a child but simply your person/partner in crime).

The society comment was agreeing and expanding on someone elses comment. I dont know how to pick and choose specific quotes on here so I cant show you unless you read the other comments. But men such as pickup artist are damaging as stated earlier. Im not blaming all of society for my specific issues but those tactics by the artists effect alot of people.

And when I refer to rude someone mentioned a specific techninic by the Artist call negging . Im not talking about refusing to call someone, that just means there not interested. Being to busy for a date last minute I agree isnt rude but thats not what im talking about. I think the word rude is not the correct word which is on me. Ive seen these techniques and there not helpful and dont involve your examples. Your examples are correct but not what I was reffering too really but they were good. This is not a catastrophe thats a strong word for my issue. Its not even about society, society has issues thats obvious but this issue isnt societal.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Don't cold approach in public -with rare exception.  Don't "approach" -be around people in an environment where people mingle and are supposed to chat.  A shared activity.  Then there's no approach, just making conversation. 

Ok so dont just walk up to someone and introduce myself? I should talk in like a group setting that seems less stressful. What if you see someone sitting alone and I want to talk? Sometimes I see that but there usually busy like reading or something.

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I'd like to add that not answering on dating apps is not just a thing woman do. I have matched with a lot of men that did not answer my messages (side-eye to my bumble...) dating apps are war for anyone who isn't extremely attractive. 

However, I also heard the "all woman are vile/ can just have their pick" from men that exclusivly went after veeeerry attractive women. Not saying you do this, but maybe consider your choice of matches? 

 

In general I also think you'd benefit from getting to know woman outside of the "dating-sphere".

 

About that specific girl: how old are both of you?

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13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Did you call?

I didnt call only because I couldnt think of a conversation. But I did text her. I said, 

”Hi Amanda this is (my name) from the speed dating. I texted you on the 30th and I’m just reaching out to see if everythings going well. Hope to hear from you soon.”

 

I didnt get a response…so I guess its over. I wont call or text anymore and find a new event to go too.

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1 hour ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Ok so dont just walk up to someone and introduce myself? I should talk in like a group setting that seems less stressful. What if you see someone sitting alone and I want to talk? Sometimes I see that but there usually busy like reading or something.

When I'm sitting alone reading or enjoying a coffee or a tea, the LAST thing I want is some man approaching me.

It should be in a group setting, but in that case it's OK to strike up a conversation with a woman because she has gone there specifically to socialize.

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2 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Ok so dont just walk up to someone and introduce myself? I should talk in like a group setting that seems less stressful. What if you see someone sitting alone and I want to talk? Sometimes I see that but there usually busy like reading or something.

Yes just not randomly on the street.  At an event - and if someone is sitting alone at the activity or event of course.  At a coffee shop I wouldn't.  Especially if the person is reading or on her phone.  Leave her be.  People are entitled to quiet space in those moments.

Also work on your social skills and cues.  Example.  My building has a small fitness center.  The default from my observations is no one talks to each other especially when we are there early morning.  Over the years there have been a few exceptions. I've even made some friends. 

But I respect everyone's need to work out, be in their zone and then leave.  There is a really cute young guy who's been there when I am the last few weeks. Today he actually got on the next treadmill.  I am married, old enough I bet to be his mama, but if I were 20 something like him I would not advise any woman to try to talk to him -and I'm an extrovert and socially fearless.  It's not the right place or time.  

This is why I recommended volunteering backstage at community theater - you work with your hands, there's a real accomplishment and  contribution and talking/chatting while working with your hands is very natural and organic to the environment.    

It's not about "positivity" - who wants someone pretending to be positive all the time? It's about being approachable and genuine -taking a genuine interest in another person, a genuine interest in what the person is saying.  Asking good follow up questions.  And yes not focusing on venting or making broad negative observations.  Your body language and your vibes should be approachable -relaxed, open.  

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I wouldn’t have dated a gamer because in my experience those who are really intense about it choose it over going outside, exploring places, reading books, exercising etc.  I don’t like competing with devices for attention. 
My son especially since Covid is on too much screen time.  At least he often zooms with his real life friends when they play.  Options are limited because of Covid but we make sure he’s not “addicted”.  He’s not. 

I know people who date gamers and are really into it.  I know it wouldn’t have worked for me. 

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I can see you're extremely passionate about gaming based on your extended and very descriptive response to my comment. Yes, there are women who enjoy gaming but for those who don't they are not going to be interested in conversing with someone who will go on and on about it. You have to gauge your audience. Someone who isn't into it like you are will be turned off no matter how enthralling you think a particular game is.

How about a Meetup group for gamers that focuses on getting together in person to discuss gaming? Not one that just "meets" virtually but in real life. Or a group that gets together at a certain location to play a multi user game. Safely, of course. I've seen events where people get together at a place called Insert Coins (this is located in my former city) where you can play as a group. I think that would be a lot of fun for those who are into gaming.

Out of curiosity, do you live in or near a large or medium sized metro area? Also, do you drive?

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14 hours ago, SaiKiiAdou said:

I'd like to add that not answering on dating apps is not just a thing woman do. I have matched with a lot of men that did not answer my messages (side-eye to my bumble...) dating apps are war for anyone who isn't extremely attractive. 

However, I also heard the "all woman are vile/ can just have their pick" from men that exclusivly went after veeeerry attractive women. Not saying you do this, but maybe consider your choice of matches? 

 

In general I also think you'd benefit from getting to know woman outside of the "dating-sphere".

 

About that specific girl: how old are both of you?

Yea thats true dating apps seem to be focused on looks only especially now whith the swipe left or right. First thing you see on those apps is a giant profile pic with a left or right arrow thats clearly done on purpose. When you look at peoples profiles on there there barley filled out only a couple lines or a list of 3 intrists or just blank. But thats how dating apps are now.

Concider my choice of matches? Are you saying I should go for really attractive women or not be so picky?

I’m 34 but everyone says I look 20 I dont know how old the girl was but the age range for the event was 25 to 39. She never responded though so I’ve moved on.

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12 hours ago, boltnrun said:

When I'm sitting alone reading or enjoying a coffee or a tea, the LAST thing I want is some man approaching me.

It should be in a group setting, but in that case it's OK to strike up a conversation with a woman because she has gone there specifically to socialize.

Oh ok I’ll try that next time I go to a group event.

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11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes just not randomly on the street.  At an event - and if someone is sitting alone at the activity or event of course.  At a coffee shop I wouldn't.  Especially if the person is reading or on her phone.  Leave her be.  People are entitled to quiet space in those moments.

Also work on your social skills and cues.  Example.  My building has a small fitness center.  The default from my observations is no one talks to each other especially when we are there early morning.  Over the years there have been a few exceptions. I've even made some friends. 

But I respect everyone's need to work out, be in their zone and then leave.  There is a really cute young guy who's been there when I am the last few weeks. Today he actually got on the next treadmill.  I am married, old enough I bet to be his mama, but if I were 20 something like him I would not advise any woman to try to talk to him -and I'm an extrovert and socially fearless.  It's not the right place or time.  

This is why I recommended volunteering backstage at community theater - you work with your hands, there's a real accomplishment and  contribution and talking/chatting while working with your hands is very natural and organic to the environment.    

It's not about "positivity" - who wants someone pretending to be positive all the time? It's about being approachable and genuine -taking a genuine interest in another person, a genuine interest in what the person is saying.  Asking good follow up questions.  And yes not focusing on venting or making broad negative observations.  Your body language and your vibes should be approachable -relaxed, open.  

Oh thats pretty cool I must have missed the community theater recommendation I say community but dont remember theater. I dont know any near me but I can look on meetup. Thats pretty interesting havent thought about that. 

I dont have a fitness gym at my place but a community gym in my area I was planning on signing up until the Covid I have to see if its open. It should be.

Yea I have to work on social skills thats never been great but I dont vent to people so thats one good thing. 

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9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn’t have dated a gamer because in my experience those who are really intense about it choose it over going outside, exploring places, reading books, exercising etc.  I don’t like competing with devices for attention. 
My son especially since Covid is on too much screen time.  At least he often zooms with his real life friends when they play.  Options are limited because of Covid but we make sure he’s not “addicted”.  He’s not. 

I know people who date gamers and are really into it.  I know it wouldn’t have worked for me. 

Yes you are right some people are like that. But just as you tell me not to say all women are only attracted to looks the same goes for this. All hobbies like fishing, stamp collecting, etc… can consume someones life also then your competing over fish and paper. Video games are the only hobby looked down on because of the media. You can very well take an hour or two out the day and play games together with a partner its not always a solo activity. If you dont play games or even considered trying it you will alway have your mind made up and reject it. Many good things have come out of gaming like real world relationships, its used in hospitals for ill children, youtube streemers have raised millions for charity. But if thats your choice thats your choice. Im just saying. I play games I’m not embarrased by it. If a woman rejects me because a mentioned I play games but she has no further knowledge and just assumes thats her fault not mine. I could be an amazing boyfriend but she’ll never know because she judged on one simple detail. Anyway just saying thats all.

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I can see you're extremely passionate about gaming based on your extended and very descriptive response to my comment. Yes, there are women who enjoy gaming but for those who don't they are not going to be interested in conversing with someone who will go on and on about it. You have to gauge your audience. Someone who isn't into it like you are will be turned off no matter how enthralling you think a particular game is.

How about a Meetup group for gamers that focuses on getting together in person to discuss gaming? Not one that just "meets" virtually but in real life. Or a group that gets together at a certain location to play a multi user game. Safely, of course. I've seen events where people get together at a place called Insert Coins (this is located in my former city) where you can play as a group. I think that would be a lot of fun for those who are into gaming.

Out of curiosity, do you live in or near a large or medium sized metro area? Also, do you drive?

Yea Im not trying to convince you to like video games I was just sharing info. I also dont need to date a women who likes games. I mentioned it extensively here but I have a lot of interests architecture, philosophy etc… It was just your comment that made me go into detail. I did go into to much detail about the games but sometimes I just start rambling.

But no there are no gaming meetups near me or a large city. No I dont drive because I have an eye vision condition. I take Lyft or Uber.

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There's nothing wrong with being into gaming (or any hobby, for that matter). It does get a bad rap, probably because it's a major timewaster and some people get way too obsessed with it. But you can have a healthy personal and professional life and be a gamer. And a gamer can have a healthy relationship with a non-gamer. My boyfriend and I have a very harmonious relationship, even though he loves playing video games and I have almost no interest. I listen to him chat on about the games he plays and the various plots and achievements because I enjoy his enthusiasm and I like learning about what he likes. And he usually knows when I've had enough lol. So, for that reason, I'd encourage you not to give up anything that you enjoy doing--at least not for the sole purpose of getting a girlfriend. The enthusiasm that we feel when doing (and talking about) things that we enjoy is one of the things that makes us attractive to other people. And to go further along that line: Instead of focusing so specifically on dating and getting a girlfriend, why not concentrate more on finding new things that you enjoy doing? I think you will find more success that way, in the long run. It's not a race.

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7 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Oh thats pretty cool I must have missed the community theater recommendation I say community but dont remember theater. I dont know any near me but I can look on meetup. Thats pretty interesting havent thought about that. 

I dont have a fitness gym at my place but a community gym in my area I was planning on signing up until the Covid I have to see if its open. It should be.

Yea I have to work on social skills thats never been great but I dont vent to people so thats one good thing. 

So it's not a meetup -you volunteer to help on a theater production -typically backstage unless you're a front stage type.  Churches sometimes do theater productions or often there is a community theater group like a gilbert and sullivan type group.  I never directly volunteered.  I knew around 10-20 people (and was acquainted with many more) who did including my then boyfriend - many people met that way, a number of marriages too.  My husband's friend lost his wife a couple of years ago - in his 40s.  He's introverted, shy, an engineer/math person.  We recommended that and it helped him so much get back out there. For example.

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5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

There's nothing wrong with being into gaming (or any hobby, for that matter). It does get a bad rap, probably because it's a major timewaster and some people get way too obsessed with it. But you can have a healthy personal and professional life and be a gamer. And a gamer can have a healthy relationship with a non-gamer. My boyfriend and I have a very harmonious relationship, even though he loves playing video games and I have almost no interest. I listen to him chat on about the games he plays and the various plots and achievements because I enjoy his enthusiasm and I like learning about what he likes. And he usually knows when I've had enough lol. So, for that reason, I'd encourage you not to give up anything that you enjoy doing--at least not for the sole purpose of getting a girlfriend. The enthusiasm that we feel when doing (and talking about) things that we enjoy is one of the things that makes us attractive to other people. And to go further along that line: Instead of focusing so specifically on dating and getting a girlfriend, why not concentrate more on finding new things that you enjoy doing? I think you will find more success that way, in the long run. It's not a race.

Thats rreally good that it worked out for you. Thats what I was really trying to explain but I guess it didnt come out right.  I wasnt trying to convince anyone just tell them to have an open mind. Thats all. Yea thats what I plan on doing theres some writing and filmmaking meetups Id like to try. The speed datings to much pressure to force conversation.

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So it's not a meetup -you volunteer to help on a theater production -typically backstage unless you're a front stage type.  Churches sometimes do theater productions or often there is a community theater group like a gilbert and sullivan type group.  I never directly volunteered.  I knew around 10-20 people (and was acquainted with many more) who did including my then boyfriend - many people met that way, a number of marriages too.  My husband's friend lost his wife a couple of years ago - in his 40s.  He's introverted, shy, an engineer/math person.  We recommended that and it helped him so much get back out there. For example.

That sounds fun I believe I’ve heard of community theaters near me. There not in my town which is why I havent really heard much. But my friend put on a play few years back in his area I can ask him. Well I got quite a bit to look into.

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2 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Thats rreally good that it worked out for you. Thats what I was really trying to explain but I guess it didnt come out right.  I wasnt trying to convince anyone just tell them to have an open mind. Thats all. Yea thats what I plan on doing theres some writing and filmmaking meetups Id like to try. The speed datings to much pressure to force conversation.

So when it comes to dating -for looking for something serious - it's not so much about "open mind" - this is not a working relationship or a friendship - it's choosing someone compatible.  I have an open mind about all sorts of lifestyles.  But it doesn't mean it would be right for me in a serious relationship. 

I had an open mind about a man I met who said he planned to live abroad for at least a year, in about a year's time.  That meant he wasn't for me as a potentially serious partner.  I met a man whose ex girlfriend was pregnant with his first child.  I had an open mind about his choice not to marry her, his choice to be an involved father.  And I realized the situation he was in was not right for me long term in a romantic relationship.  Same with your choice to game as much as you do.  

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I don't MIND that people are really into gaming. It's just not someone who would be compatible with me in a dating or relationship type situation.

For example, I used to date a guy who was REALLY into skydiving. He spent all weekend, every weekend skydiving. I couldn't have less interest in skydiving. He brought me with him one time and holy cow was I bored. It's not a spectator sport! I got to watch an airplane fly over, saw some specks fall out of it, then saw the specks gradually get bigger, then it culminated in seeing the guy I was dating fall flat on his face. Whoop di doo. I would feel the same way if someone wanted to do a gaming date. Oh, and I've watched a date gamble. Same level of interest (zero). So anyway, the skydiving guy and I, I just told him to go without me. And you guessed it, he started seeing a woman who worked at the skydiving place behind my back because SHE shared his interest. I mean, it made sense even if it wasn't very nice.

I know there are Discord groups and other groups for people who like gaming. You can certainly join those type of groups and suggest some sort of meetup for the group so you can get to know them in person. Same with any other interests you have. Even if they are primarily solo pastimes there are still groups that exist for people who like art, music, etc. 

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53 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

it's not so much about "open mind" - this is not a working relationship or a friendship - it's choosing someone compatible.

I agree. I actually have a pretty closed mind about video games. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I was highly suspect of them and I let him know that. I worried that he would be one of those dudes who is into his games to the exclusion of all else, including real-life relationships and responsibilities (he's not). 

We didn't bond over video games when we got together, and he didn't force that lifestyle on me. I never had to compete with one of those games for his attention. Our relationship is based on other things, like our general compatibility--which has nothing to do with personal interests. The only interest we share in common is food and drink lol. But it's enough!

During our relationship, I've learned to appreciate and respect his other interests (including video games). But I didn't trouble myself to keep an "open mind" during the early stages of our relationship. And frankly, I still think gaming is a colossal waste of time. But it's how he enjoys himself. It literally costs me nothing when he plays, and I enjoy seeing him happy.

3 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Yea thats what I plan on doing theres some writing and filmmaking meetups Id like to try.

Good. Focus more on genuinely enjoying yourself than on finding a girlfriend. Things will come together on their own.

 

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On 1/6/2022 at 12:36 PM, Batya33 said:

So when it comes to dating -for looking for something serious - it's not so much about "open mind" - this is not a working relationship or a friendship - it's choosing someone compatible.  I have an open mind about all sorts of lifestyles.  But it doesn't mean it would be right for me in a serious relationship. 

I had an open mind about a man I met who said he planned to live abroad for at least a year, in about a year's time.  That meant he wasn't for me as a potentially serious partner.  I met a man whose ex girlfriend was pregnant with his first child.  I had an open mind about his choice not to marry her, his choice to be an involved father.  And I realized the situation he was in was not right for me long term in a romantic relationship.  Same with your choice to game as much as you do.  

The open mind comment had nothing to do with relationships. An open mind is the willingness to do something without preconcieved opinion. Nothing to do with a relationship in my response.

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On 1/6/2022 at 12:44 PM, boltnrun said:

I don't MIND that people are really into gaming. It's just not someone who would be compatible with me in a dating or relationship type situation.

For example, I used to date a guy who was REALLY into skydiving. He spent all weekend, every weekend skydiving. I couldn't have less interest in skydiving. He brought me with him one time and holy cow was I bored. It's not a spectator sport! I got to watch an airplane fly over, saw some specks fall out of it, then saw the specks gradually get bigger, then it culminated in seeing the guy I was dating fall flat on his face. Whoop di doo. I would feel the same way if someone wanted to do a gaming date. Oh, and I've watched a date gamble. Same level of interest (zero). So anyway, the skydiving guy and I, I just told him to go without me. And you guessed it, he started seeing a woman who worked at the skydiving place behind my back because SHE shared his interest. I mean, it made sense even if it wasn't very nice.

I know there are Discord groups and other groups for people who like gaming. You can certainly join those type of groups and suggest some sort of meetup for the group so you can get to know them in person. Same with any other interests you have. Even if they are primarily solo pastimes there are still groups that exist for people who like art, music, etc. 

Thats fine if you dont like gaming. And meeting someone into gaming isnt the top thing on my list because its limiting me. Yes theres girls who play games but its insanely difficult to find them. I got a better chance finding a girl not into gaming. But I have other interests.

Couldnt you and the guy discover a new interest together? That could be fun since you didnt like skydiving.

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On 1/6/2022 at 1:04 PM, Jibralta said:

I agree. I actually have a pretty closed mind about video games. When my boyfriend and I first started dating, I was highly suspect of them and I let him know that. I worried that he would be one of those dudes who is into his games to the exclusion of all else, including real-life relationships and responsibilities (he's not). 

We didn't bond over video games when we got together, and he didn't force that lifestyle on me. I never had to compete with one of those games for his attention. Our relationship is based on other things, like our general compatibility--which has nothing to do with personal interests. The only interest we share in common is food and drink lol. But it's enough!

During our relationship, I've learned to appreciate and respect his other interests (including video games). But I didn't trouble myself to keep an "open mind" during the early stages of our relationship. And frankly, I still think gaming is a colossal waste of time. But it's how he enjoys himself. It literally costs me nothing when he plays, and I enjoy seeing him happy.

Good. Focus more on genuinely enjoying yourself than on finding a girlfriend. Things will come together on their own.

 

Open mindedness and compatibility are completely different as you know. That coment I made that was not in reference to relationships. But yea nobody forced you to play games you found out hes not like the people you thought he’d be like. You also enjoy other interests with him. Thats all Im saying let people be who they are and just enjoy the other interests.

As for games being a waste of time Im not getting into that. But theres been scientific study it enhances parts of the brain, motor skills,perception, etc.. Research is important. But you did say your fine with being closed minded and thats ok. You’ll just have to take my word for it.

And yes Im focused on many things.

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19 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I have a question.

Why did you chose that username for this forum?  Be honest.

Mine came from being betrayed and crushed emotionally when I arrived here so many years ago. 

Lost

Oh I use it for other sites not just this forum. I used it for years and its easy to remember. The reasons in the name honestly. I find myself very ugly and its always been that way since i was young. Its probobly why im single. But yea thats it. I think its important that I remind myself of it so the username came.

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