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Need Some Advice After A Virtual Speed Dating Event


Ugly_Duckling
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6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Dating sites are not supposed to "work for you".  Dating sites are one of many ways to make a first contact with a potential date.  It's a tool.  A matchmaker you hire is supposed to "work for you."  Dating requires a thick skin.  Use a dating site to make a first contact.  Then meet in person ASAP to see if you should go on an actual date.  Once you meet in person the only "work" the site did was make it possible to initially connect.  

Nothing to do with others being "better looking".  There are many men who are better looking than my husband.  Many women who are better looking than me.  I knew this to be true from when I decided "this is my person".  I was done shopping.  I didn't care if I met people every day who were better looking than my husband.  Or if I noticed because I'm not blind that there were attractive people around me who might be seen as better looking than my husband.  That's not how most people -with exceptions -go about deciding who they are into, who they want to know better at least maybe after age 12 or so. 

When I was dating (dated for 25 years on and off) if I met three guys I didn't go by "ok who's the best looking who is interested in me -and then I'll choose him."  Far far more nuanced.  It was "ok so of the three men two asked me out, and one called but hasn't asked me out.  Of those two I feel like I have more in common with one.  So I'll prioritize meeting number one, then if number two calls I can see then.  And if number three shows up later and there's a good reason he waited so long to call me I'll see. 

Yes.  If I was more physically attracted to one than the other that mattered.  But physical attraction and looks might overlap to an extent -might -but it's not about physical features unless the person is looking for arm candy/trophy/needs someone objectively hot to build up his or her ego.  

I actually wouldn't reach out again to this woman but once is fine. Then stop.  Too much and it starts to be harassing or highly annoying.  

I mean that sounds right. To be honest I always assumed women only cared about looks first and everything else like personality second. Im not saying thats true but my friends were mostly guys except the occasional girl who was a friend in high school. My only girlfiend from high school brokeup with me because she wasnt physically attracted to me. Im not looking for supermodels im just saying in general. With Tv shows like the Bachelor and other reality shows and social media and my own experiance doing online dating it appeared thats what women wanted most. But again not saying its true but thats all I saw or experianced.

Why do you think contacting the girl again is a bad idea just curious? Sorry if my spelling isnt great im on an ipad and the keys are sensitive.

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6 hours ago, James516 said:

You're approaching this like a combination calculus problem and book report. People aren't a formula to solve with steps. If you haven't seen it, I recommend your watch the 90's movie Groundhog Day. Bill Murray gets trapped in the same day over and over so he decides to use that to try to get together up with a woman he is interested in. So each day he learns one thing she likes, applies it the next day but it all fails because it's not who he is and she always figures out he is just faking it. 

You make some sweeping statements about what women like, which aren't true. Male or female, we are all individuals. Before any more dating apps or activities, it would be best that you join activity groups such as meet up or a regular volunteer position in order to get used to being around women just to learn to talk to them genuinely as individuals rather than formula bait.

 

I have seen the movie a long time ago. Id have to watch it again. Im actually on meetup looking for hiking or walking groups in my area. I also thought about volunteering for 2022 I just have to find some places. I do over think about this stuff alot. But hopefully I can start going to a group soon.

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6 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Women do not want a "rude alpha male". That is terrible advice.

I hope you never gave any of those "dating coaches" or "advice" sites any money. They are not designed to help you but rather exist to get money from you.

Joining groups for whatever things you're interested in is better than swiping on Tinder. You will meet real women who are into the same things you are.

What are your interests and hobbies?

I paid for date coaching she was nice. She ran the 8min dating this is how i got the girls number i matched with. But the alpha male stuff I didnt pay for they wanted like $1000 dollars just to teach me how to ignore women to get them atracted to you and say rude remarks discised as compliments. I do realize that stuff wouldnt work though there just scams.

Im currently looking for groups to join. I enjoy video games and Im a video game instructor for people with mental disability. I also like writing, art, museums, historical sites, foreign films, hiking and walking that kind of stuff. I was looking for groups for people that like gaming but there arent any in my area. But there are walking and hiking groups I recently joined. Im also planning to volunteer somewhere. But yea I agree I hate the whole swipe right left thing and that feature is in like every dating app now. 

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3 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

How about POF?  I know many are on there as well.  I've never gone onto these ones.. but I don't want to be connected to a ton of sites either.  Maybe just set up a profile then tour it daily... I do that, just tour & expect nothing 🙂 .

Have you joined a 'local singles' group in your area?  We have one, although very slow atm.  We used to do movie nights, meet at local coffee shops weekly, etc.

Even join a sport or something.. don't look for a date at a grocery store, lol.  That's where majority are just there as necessary then leave.

POF Plenty of Fish? yes ive been on there and Chemestry and even JDate which turned out to be jewish only site. Although i originally thought it was Japanes dating because I tried looking for international dating but the more unknown the site the more scammy it looked. I tried one site in china where i had to pay to send each message same with a russian site. I think it was a scam.

Anyway Im apart of a Speed Dating website which is where i met the girl. Its not rally a group but if theres an even you just sign up. Ive never seen a Local Singles Group near me when I searched in. The past.

Are these Singles Groups Websites or something the local community puts on?

It sounds interesting ill have to do some further searching on that.

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12 minutes ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

 they wanted like $1000 dollars just to teach me how to ignore women to get them attracted to you and say rude remarks disguised as compliments.

You have a very good dry sense of humor. That's an asset. Volunteer in an animal shelter, hospital, soup kitchen, etc.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You have a very good dry sense of humor. That's an asset. Volunteer in an animal shelter, hospital, soup kitchen, etc.

I get that alot. Oh thats a good idea Animals are great. Ill have to look into that. Hospitals are pretty cool I used to work in one.

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32 minutes ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

 But the alpha male stuff I didnt pay for they wanted like $1000 dollars just to teach me how to ignore women to get them atracted to you and say rude remarks discised as compliments.

All I can say is that whatever men have this kind of mentality, they are set up to live lonely lives.  It is utterly ridiculous to think that being rude to a woman and to ignore her will make you attractive to them.  Good grief.  No wonder society has gone down the toilet.  Ugh.

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11 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

All I can say is that whatever men have this kind of mentality, they are set up to live lonely lives.  It is utterly ridiculous to think that being rude to a woman and to ignore her will make you attractive to them.  Good grief.  No wonder society has gone down the toilet.  Ugh.

They call it "negging". The theory is a woman will trip all over herself to get an elusive man to want her. What they don't disclose is only women who have extremely low self esteem would fall for those tactics. Any quality woman will snicker and ignore.

OP, I hope you never tried any of those tactics on women. A kind word and a sincere interest in the essence and mind of a woman will be much more successful.

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

They call it "negging". The theory is a woman will trip all over herself to get an elusive man to want her. What they don't disclose is only women who have extremely low self esteem would fall for those tactics. Any quality woman will snicker and ignore.

Yep.  Can you just imagine that combination .... low self esteem woman with rude man who treats her like crap.  What a success, match made in heaven.  Like I said before, no wonder society has gone down the toilet.

What is really scary is that so many people actually fall for this garbage.

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2 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

 

What is really scary is that so many people actually fall for this garbage.

I think it's worse that they scam men into giving them money to learn how to be jerks. I think the OP said $1,000!! 

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In speaking of generalities, you could say that most people find confidence and positivity attractive, as well as someone who has a passion for life, which could include their hobbies/interests.

You mention you like museums. You could volunteer as a museum docent. Imagine how expressive your eyes and voice would be when you're sharing what you find interesting.  That's very attractive.

Of course a person must find something attractive about another, and that's the first thing one notices, so it's best to assume someone you also find attractive will like your looks.

Who a person is attracted to runs the gamut. I love the contrast of someone with dark hair and light eyes. I can't help it and it's just inherent in me. Someone being overweight doesn't bother me. I'm not saying I prefer it. I mean that I overlook it. Who my friends have chosen as husbands, I wouldn't have, and my friends might scratch their heads at why I chose my husband when they wouldn't have. It's so individualistic.

Just concentrate on the best you that you can be. Be positive, have a passion for a hobby, keep up with guy friends, and have the attitude that you're the treasure and that someone has to treat you special to keep you in their lives. A woman wants to feel like she's special that you are wanting to get to know her, and not feel like you're so desperate that just about any woman who will give you the time of day is who you will cling to.

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1 hour ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Ive never seen a Local Singles Group near me when I searched in. The past.

Are these Singles Groups Websites or something the local community puts on?

It sounds interesting ill have to do some further searching on that.

Yes , i just typed in search on FB, for my local town area and added 'Singles group'. something came up, eg. Alliston Local Singles.

See if something in your area exists. I know a few in my province.

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3 hours ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

I mean that sounds right. To be honest I always assumed women only cared about looks first and everything else like personality second. Im not saying thats true but my friends were mostly guys except the occasional girl who was a friend in high school. My only girlfiend from high school brokeup with me because she wasnt physically attracted to me. Im not looking for supermodels im just saying in general. With Tv shows like the Bachelor and other reality shows and social media and my own experiance doing online dating it appeared thats what women wanted most. But again not saying its true but thats all I saw or experianced.

Why do you think contacting the girl again is a bad idea just curious? Sorry if my spelling isnt great im on an ipad and the keys are sensitive.

Because you already contacted her. Her turn.  If your mindset is you think all women care mostly about looks I'd wait to date until you get to know women as humans in environments like activities, volunteer work, etc.  I don't see why not having female friends would lead you to believe stereotypes? Do you assume based on social media that all men love football and beer and want 6 pack abs? 

Don't give yourself a pass on "well this is all I know" -it's your choice to live in ignorance.  You're an adult.  Go out and have experiences - varied experiences.  Volunteer at a backstage community theater, join a hiking group or the library's book club, take swing dancing lessons.  

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If we believed stereotypes then all men want a size 2 blonde with huge breasts who wants sex all day every day and also somehow has time to cook gourmet meals for him.

I personally don't want a meat head. I want a man I can respect and who treats me with respect. Of course looks matter but it's more about being clean, neat and dressed appropriately rather than wanting a movie star handsome man. A man with interests who doesn't just watch TV or game all day. 

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14 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

All I can say is that whatever men have this kind of mentality, they are set up to live lonely lives.  It is utterly ridiculous to think that being rude to a woman and to ignore her will make you attractive to them.  Good grief.  No wonder society has gone down the toilet.  Ugh.

Thats true. Ive never took there advise from those articles though. But that is what they say. Theres a lot worse stuff ive seen them say. Theres entire dictionarys online of terms ans and words and strategies for different types of women. Obviously it all woulnt work but they claim it does.

Society definitly is in the toilet. Even though we know it doesnt work there must be men and women falling for it somewhere out there. In my opinion it gives a bad look to men actually looking for a relationship even though we didnt do anything its the other guys who are. But they blame all guys. 

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14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

They call it "negging". The theory is a woman will trip all over herself to get an elusive man to want her. What they don't disclose is only women who have extremely low self esteem would fall for those tactics. Any quality woman will snicker and ignore.

OP, I hope you never tried any of those tactics on women. A kind word and a sincere interest in the essence and mind of a woman will be much more successful.

Yea thats the word they use. Ive never tried any of it I just read it. I cant even approach a girl in public thats why. Its always over Zoom or Online dating. I just dont want to get told off in. Public. If i did do those tactics id probobly come off creepy then cool and smooth. Last thing I need to do iis steer women in the opisite direction with those tactics. In general when i see a girl and im forced to talk im friendly but my mind goes blank so theres no real conversation. I should talk more to women in 2022.

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14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I think it's worse that they scam men into giving them money to learn how to be jerks. I think the OP said $1,000!! 

Yea the prices range to like $1000. But then you have to buy there books and all this stuff extra for one on one lessons. I think when you first talk to them there prices could be like $500 but it all adds up later. I was going to hire a matchmaker a few years ago until there price was $60.000 or $6.000 i may have exagerated but a 6 was in there near the beginning. Its crazy stuff but people pay for it. I dont know if it works nobody talks about it and there website reviews i can bet are fake.

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3 minutes ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

ociety definitly is in the toilet. Even though we know it doesnt work there must be men and women falling for it somewhere out there. In my opinion it gives a bad look to men actually looking for a relationship even though we didnt do anything its the other guys who are. But they blame all guys. 

I'd avoid any mention of "they" or "society" - you are one person looking for another person who potentially can be a good match for you . You're not dating "they" or "society".  And telling yourself all those negative generalizations and having a pity party and blaming "society" is going to seep into your body language and how you interact with people.  In a bad way.  

Being rude to certain people who have low self esteem will trigger a challenge/thrill of the chase response in that person.  It will result in at best a short term relationship.  Being a person who is busy, fulfilled and knows what he is worth attracts the right kind of people -and being too busy for a last minute after thought date isn't rude -it's having healthy boundaries. 

Refusing to keep calling someone who doesn't return your call isn't rude -it's healthy boundaries.  If you do that and the person then apologizes or asks for another chance you decide how you feel.  That person may respect you more for having healthy boundaries.  A person who is attracted to rude behavior likely is quite insecure or just wants the thrill of the chase.  Once the thrill fades so does the person.

When my husband and I got back together after 8 years apart having dated in the past we were very up front with each other while getting to know each other slowly (meaning we saw each other 3 times in 4 weeks, platonically, then had a conversation).  Our conversation about getting back together lasted about 2-3 minutes.  Short and sweet because we were on the same page, wanted to be with each other, and had the same future goals.  There was no game about it or drama. 

Same with asking someone out on a date.  Short and sweet.  Plan in advance - time, place, suggested activity.  Show up on time, look nice, be nice and know she has to keep up at least 50% of the conversation.  If the person wants to go on a date with you it will be easy and the logistics will be easy other than unusual stuff like the person is sick, going out of town, etc.  And even then if a person wants to plan she will plan even weeks in advance. 

You're making this into some societal catastrophe and blaming "they" - but it's about finding one person - is it easy?  For some yes, for me it was extremely difficult and challenging.  I got in my own way at times.  Really time consuming.  Not because of society's fault or "they" - because it just is.  Some things we want the most take blood sweat and tears and persistence.  Then you get to look across the room at the tween you gave birth to who got up before 7am and has Covid Hair.  It's worth it I promise.  (Even if you do not want a marital commitment or a child but simply your person/partner in crime).

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9 minutes ago, Ugly_Duckling said:

Yea thats the word they use. Ive never tried any of it I just read it. I cant even approach a girl in public thats why. Its always over Zoom or Online dating. I just dont want to get told off in. Public. If i did do those tactics id probobly come off creepy then cool and smooth. Last thing I need to do iis steer women in the opisite direction with those tactics. In general when i see a girl and im forced to talk im friendly but my mind goes blank so theres no real conversation. I should talk more to women in 2022.

Don't cold approach in public -with rare exception.  Don't "approach" -be around people in an environment where people mingle and are supposed to chat.  A shared activity.  Then there's no approach, just making conversation. 

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14 hours ago, Andrina said:

In speaking of generalities, you could say that most people find confidence and positivity attractive, as well as someone who has a passion for life, which could include their hobbies/interests.

You mention you like museums. You could volunteer as a museum docent. Imagine how expressive your eyes and voice would be when you're sharing what you find interesting.  That's very attractive.

Of course a person must find something attractive about another, and that's the first thing one notices, so it's best to assume someone you also find attractive will like your looks.

Who a person is attracted to runs the gamut. I love the contrast of someone with dark hair and light eyes. I can't help it and it's just inherent in me. Someone being overweight doesn't bother me. I'm not saying I prefer it. I mean that I overlook it. Who my friends have chosen as husbands, I wouldn't have, and my friends might scratch their heads at why I chose my husband when they wouldn't have. It's so individualistic.

Just concentrate on the best you that you can be. Be positive, have a passion for a hobby, keep up with guy friends, and have the attitude that you're the treasure and that someone has to treat you special to keep you in their lives. A woman wants to feel like she's special that you are wanting to get to know her, and not feel like you're so desperate that just about any woman who will give you the time of day is who you will cling to.

Yes alot of people tell me confidence and positivvity is attractive. I believe them because I see it around me. My confidence and positivity has dropped over the years Im trying to gain it back but its hardand dont know how to go about it. I feel like if I fake it everyone can tell Im fake, and I feel fake. 

Ive looked into volunteering at museums over the years they have been looking and currently with Covid im not entirly sure if alot are open. But im looking into other volunteer locations.

Everyone atrracted to something or has there own preferances. I do to but it was always more so about my looks and how I looked towards them. I never liked my appearance since I was little and avoided talking to girls closeup because of it even now. Your always like oh shes friendly and attractive but how do I look to her is my nose to big do I look to tired is my skin not clear enough am i to skinny and not athletic. My mom would tell me im to skinny to be with a woman and they will think im sick. Or people back in high school saying i cant ask that girl out because she out of my league or to attractive. So i didnt.

But im still trying to figure it out.

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14 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes , i just typed in search on FB, for my local town area and added 'Singles group'. something came up, eg. Alliston Local Singles.

See if something in your area exists. I know a few in my province.

I just looked yesterday I get alot of Speed Dating. Theres a site that let me type in my location to find events but it come up blank. My area seems to not have any that I notice. I dont have Facebook to check. But I’m on meetup .com and i can find groups there but I havent found single ones, actually the only sigle events on meetup I’ve seen is for like age 50 and up. . Meetup has movie groups and all that but is for everyone not just singles. But I’ll still look through that site.

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13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Because you already contacted her. Her turn.  If your mindset is you think all women care mostly about looks I'd wait to date until you get to know women as humans in environments like activities, volunteer work, etc.  I don't see why not having female friends would lead you to believe stereotypes? Do you assume based on social media that all men love football and beer and want 6 pack abs? 

Don't give yourself a pass on "well this is all I know" -it's your choice to live in ignorance.  You're an adult.  Go out and have experiences - varied experiences.  Volunteer at a backstage community theater, join a hiking group or the library's book club, take swing dancing lessons.  

I didnt say all women were the same but to be more specific all the women I’ve personally come across have been. I’ve had a few women on online dating sites blatently tell me this about them not others. Once messaged a girl on OK Cupid and she said shes open to chatting about a tv show she enjoyed. It was written on her profile if you watched it message her. I watched the same show which was Lost. She litterally told me to shutup and go away after trying to talk about the show. I wrote one message and that was her response. Most women wouldnt respond to a message but the ones who did responed similarly but less mean.

So Im just talking about my experiences not making a blanket statement on all women even if thats how it originally may have sounded. I am going to do some volunteering so yea that is a good idea. But when I say thats all I know thats not an excuse but im tell you thats all ive seen so far that doesnt mean it will always be that way. Just like the example I gave of a past experience. If it happened to me and it continues to happen thats all I”ll know for now. But that can change. But saying all women are like that isnt true.

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13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If we believed stereotypes then all men want a size 2 blonde with huge breasts who wants sex all day every day and also somehow has time to cook gourmet meals for him.

I personally don't want a meat head. I want a man I can respect and who treats me with respect. Of course looks matter but it's more about being clean, neat and dressed appropriately rather than wanting a movie star handsome man. A man with interests who doesn't just watch TV or game all day. 

Same I want a women where we respect one another as well. I do love out doors activities but gaming isnt a bad thing. It gets a bad look in the media and tv but just like couples can play board games and have fun you can do the same with video games. I dont know if I told you this or someoneone else but I’m a Video Game instructor and teach people with mental disabilities. I come across women who have said they wont date gamers. But why? Theres alot of women who play games. I play games yes but I also write stories do art go to museams hiking love looking at architecture and reading and more. Im not a fat guy in a basement screaming at peple over a mic. The guy who played Superman Henry Cavil is a gamer thats why he landed the role as Geralt in Netflix Witcher series. Not all games are shooters. theres puzzle games, story based narratives and more. If you knolw someone with a console play What Remains of Edith Finch. Its about a girl whos family is cursed to die young or bizzare accidents. So shes the last survivor and shes pregnant. So the games about her recounting her family and writting a journal to leave for her child when its born since she wont survive and her child will know about the family and its curse. Thats just one of many but games can be fun group activities.

Anyway this was off topic but I just had to say it just so you dont pass over people just because they play games. But if your not into games thats ok just sharing some info. People that play games are stereotyped alot as well. I think haveing any interest is ok just as long as it doesnt dominate and you can share it with your partner. Asking if they want to join if they never did it is fun if they dont like it thats fine. But someone shouldnt ignore there partner for hours with there activity. I gaming if you watch those court shows eventially there will be a story were the guys playing to much video games and neglects everything else which is why there in court. They give people that play games a bad name. This can be any hobby not just games though.

Anyway Ive said to much its unrelated.

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