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Why did he not want to sleep at my place after already hooking up?


Rose820
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So I met a guy online and we hit it off immediately. He told me he wasn’t necessarily looking to jump into anything serious too soon, but still would be open to it if it happened. On our fourth date we had a few drinks, he invited me back to his and we started to get intimate. We started kissing, had a bit of foreplay, and he went to reach for a condom. I made a comment by saying “ are you trying to have sex” 🤦🏼‍♀️. I made it super akward where he said well  I thought we were on the same page here. We still wound up hooking up but I was extremely mortified afterwards. It just came out of my mouth and I meant it like oh this is happening, rather than “what’re you doing” if that makes sense. We’ve had small talk here and there since…because he isn’t much of a texter. Then he asked to hangout last night and I asked if he wanted to stay at my place. We were both a little hungover from New Year’s Eve and agreed to do something chill so I asked him if he wanted to stay over. Meaning let’s just chill in sweatpants, order some food, maybe cuddle and nurse out hangovers. He didn’t respond for an hour and said “ how about we get ice cream first 😅”. Long story short we went back to my place and watched a movie, then he told me “ I’m going to get out of here” he left, we hugged, and he kissed me on the cheek and said guess I’ll see you around? For me “ see you around” is something that you say to someone you ran into at a grocery store. But he said that the first two dates when we said bye as well. It just felt very akward with him leaving and I felt rejected. I don’t know if it’s because I made things akward when we first hooked up and he felt like he didn’t want to do it again? And wouldn’t you just stay over a girls place if you’re into them? I don’t know if I should text him again to hangout, or kind of just forget about him because he’s not into me any more. Someone help! Lol 

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Having casual sex doesn't mean you want to spend the night with the person.  He told you in advance he was not looking for a serious relationship with you so that also means he doesn't want to get to know you in any meaningful way - he wanted to hang out, go on dates, hook up - keep it casual.  Just because someone has intercourse with you doesn't mean he wants to wake up next to you.  My sense is he felt pressured by you to do so and felt like maybe you were looking for more than he wanted to give to you so he cut the date short.

I'd move on and enjoy the memories of the fun times you had on your date.  I don't think he's someone you're going to continue having a good time with.  Sorry!

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He is keeping as it is...casual. He's setting a boundary with you. He's not going as far as all this other stuff of hanging out and cuddling, not his thing. See you around, that seems he's just blowing you off. Wouldn't be surprise you don't hear from him again.

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2 hours ago, Rose820 said:

And wouldn’t you just stay over a girls place if you’re into them?

Not necessarily, no. 

I'm a woman but have had a couple casual FWBs in my day. I liked them well enough and enjoyed their company, but I never wanted to stay overnight with them. That's a boundary I didn't cross when I wasn't serious about someone. 

He is someone you might have some fun with once in a while, but if you're looking for something more than casual sex, this isn't your guy. I wouldn't text him again. You'll hear from him if he wants to have some no-strings fun but he may put some distance there now that he's gotten the sense you might want more. 

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I agree. "See you around" sounds like a blow off. He doesn't want to have cuddle time and take out. He's not staying over if he's not having sex.  Even then he might not stay. 

I would keep dating around and meeting new guys. I'd pull way back with this guy as in- not contacting him first, only agreeing to actual dates in advance, etc.

And next time! have the sex talk before he reaches for the condom. Your outburst sounded pretty bad to be honest. Accusatory and not romantic or sexy at all.  Total mood killer. 

He might try to have sex with you but I'm thinking he's not looking for a relationship. The "if it happens" comment is a canned line.

If YOU want a relationship hold out for a guy who also wants a relationship and says it.  Not just open to it. 

The former is a line to dangle like,  "well, if you earn it, I might give it to you" which is total BS. because you won't earn it. 

A person pretty much knows straight away- yes I will, no I won't be in a relationship with the other person.  Anyone in the gray area is just killing time until they meet a person they do want a relationship with.  It's all very simple in this respect. Any confusion or mixed signals are a no.

As I am writing this, I am changing my mind.... I think, dump this dude.  You can do way better.

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I agree with the others. And I don't think you should worry about doing anything wrong to turn him off, I think he's just in it very casually and when he got the sense you were looking to do something a bit more boyfriendy (hang out in sweatpants, spend the night chilling) he took off because he's not looking for that. 

I think you can definitely find a better match who is down to get to know you better than this and have the kind of relationship you'd like. 

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4 hours ago, Rose820 said:

I don’t know if it’s because I made things akward when we first hooked up and he felt like he didn’t want to do it again? And wouldn’t you just stay over a girls place if you’re into them? I don’t know if I should text him again to hangout, or kind of just forget about him because he’s not into me any more. Someone help! Lol 

What you said was tongue in cheek, not awkward.

He was only there for a short while.

If you are looking for someone to spend more time with, hold out for someone who cares to be in your company for longer periods. It’s really as simple and barebones as that. 

I also have a feeling he knew you were getting slightly more emotionally attached and he’s distancing himself from that. It’s a good time to reflect on what you want and whether you’re being honest with yourself if this guy was ever compatible with you. He’s not looking for a relationship.

 

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9 hours ago, Rose820 said:

.we went back to my place and watched a movie, then he told me “ I’m going to get out of here” and said guess I’ll see you around? 

Make 2022 the year that you refuse shabby treatment like this, stop chasing guys who only want sex and decide to only date men who treat you with respect.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee .

Slow down and make sure you're on the same page as far as hooking up  vs dating in order to develop a relationship.

Learn to identify red flags like this earlier on so you can get rid of guys just looking for pump and dump sex.

 

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I honestly never thought of sleepovers as something so serious. I said it to be taken with a grain of salt. I mean I’ve had guys that stayed over that I wasn’t even dating and it was fun I mean we kissed cuddled a bit woke up had a coffee and moved on with our lives lol. But I’m definitely seeing this as a red flag with this one. Thanks for the responses helps a lot! 

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So should I meet up with him and express this to him? Or wait for him to ask me to hangout (if that ever happens) 🤦🏼‍♀️ and then express how I feel? Or maybe neither one of us contact each other again 

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27 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

I honestly never thought of sleepovers as something so serious. I said it to be taken with a grain of salt. I mean I’ve had guys that stayed over that I wasn’t even dating and it was fun I mean we kissed cuddled a bit woke up had a coffee and moved on with our lives lol. But I’m definitely seeing this as a red flag with this one. Thanks for the responses helps a lot! 

Why a red flag?  He's acting consistently with a man who wants a casual sex arrangement with you and now realizes that might not be the best idea.  I think it's an individual thing -the problem is you assumed that just because he had sex with you he wants to spend the night with you.  I didn't see the connection you were making between having sex and then spending the whole night.  There's no red flag - you two seem to want different things -he told you he doesn't want a serious relationship and you may be lying to yourself when you told yourself you were ok with that -if you were why would you care if he wanted to stay over or not?

If he contacts you about getting together again simply tell him you were surprised he didn't want to stay over.  See what he says.  

Edited by Batya33
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26 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

I honestly never thought of sleepovers as something so serious. I said it to be taken with a grain of salt. I mean I’ve had guys that stayed over that I wasn’t even dating and it was fun I mean we kissed cuddled a bit woke up had a coffee and moved on with our lives lol. But I’m definitely seeing this as a red flag with this one. Thanks for the responses helps a lot! 

Time to rethink this.  Having casual sex with someone is different than staying the night and waking up with them.  It's not black and white, but this often reserved for couples that are in relationship or working towards one.   Once he's stayed the night, it sets a precedent and by him leaving he excersizes his boundary to not go any further than a casual hook up.

I personally don't see this a red flag seeing he was transparent with you from the start.  Your reaction to this suggests your feelings are involved and you can't afford to catch feelings for someone who doesn't want the same thing you do, even if it's morning cuddles.  His leaving is an unsaid message.  And it's perfectly in alignment with what he told you up front.

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38 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

So should I meet up with him and express this to him? Or wait for him to ask me to hangout (if that ever happens) 🤦🏼‍♀️ and then express how I feel? Or maybe neither one of us contact each other again 

No. If you’re not going out on dates and actually dating this is a hook up/fwb as it’s convenient for the both of you (a mutually compatible agreement).

Take the hint that he doesn’t want to stay over as just that. There’s no big or hidden meaning and all you have to do is look at his behaviour to tell you how available or interested someone is in spending longer periods with you.

Keep in mind that his reasons for leaving early may also have nothing to do with you. Maybe he longs for his own bed or he has plans to meet up with people or an appointment early the next morning. How well do you know him? Again, if you’re not actually dating, don’t read into this. 

Focus more on how interested and willing a person is in planning dates and spending quality time with you. Even if it is a casual situation and he isn’t as affectionate or available, find someone else who is.

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43 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

So should I meet up with him and express this to him? Or wait for him to ask me to hangout (if that ever happens) 🤦🏼‍♀️ and then express how I feel? Or maybe neither one of us contact each other again 

What exactly do you need to express to him? You are not in a relationship with him and it's not his problem. What you do need to do is figure out for yourself whether this arrangement is working for you as is. It doesn't sound like it is. If it's not working, then drop contact. If he reaches out again, you should let him know that you are not interested anymore and wish him well and be done. No long winded explanations, just a simple "Thanks for asking but I've decided to move on." kind of a one liner. If he doesn't reach out, then it's fine as a mutual fade out.

My entire point was exactly that when you encounter someone who is too different and leaves you feeling uncomfortable, awkward, confused - don't try to teach them or fix them, just step away.

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17 hours ago, Rose820 said:

Meaning let’s just chill in sweatpants, order some food, maybe cuddle and nurse out hangovers.

It seems like you want a BF and BF/dating like activities.

Whether a hookup spends the night or not doesn't  imply a relationship or dating.

It sounds like you would do better and feel better in a dating scenario or at least FWB.

 

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Yeah! I mean I wasn’t looking to jump into anything serious or committed so soon either. Just wanted someone to go on dates with, have fun, hook up and see where it goes. I’d consider it dating. But if your a guy that gets freaked out over the thought of spending the night or you just simply don’t want to that’s a sign.  Or then again it could Be he’s just weird about going to A girls house or staying at a girls place because he likes his space. I asked if he wanted to stay over before he picked me up. We didn’t talk about what we were going to do exactly we just said “something chill” and he’d pick me up at 8:30.  If anything I feel like that sounds more sexual by asking him to stay at my place. But he said “lets get ice cream first” before he even got to my place to pick me up . If it was a guy that wanted to just hook up no strings attached wouldn’t you just take the bait when a girl asks you to stay over? Or say yeah ill come over let’s “watch something”. Instead of let’s go get ice cream lol. I thought I was kind of incinuating I wanted to hook up not be in a relationship necessarily. I don’t know everyone has their own view points I guess 

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2 hours ago, Rose820 said:

So should I meet up with him and express this to him? Or wait for him to ask me to hangout (if that ever happens) 🤦🏼‍♀️ and then express how I feel? Or maybe neither one of us contact each other again 

No. Do not do this. 

this entire thread, the advice has been to not contact the guy. 

If you never hear from him again, then you have your answer.  I'm betting he comes around to have sex but it won't be for a relationship. 

I would never discuss feelings with him. if you want casual sex, he's down for that. 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Rose820 said:

But I’m definitely seeing this as a red flag with this one. Thanks for the responses helps a lot! 

Why is this a red flag?

He told you he doesn't want a relationship. This choice to opt out of a sleepover is consistent with that. I don't see it as freaking him out. I see it as him knowing he doesn't want what you want, and he's sticking to it. I was never freaked out by the idea of spending night with a FWB. I simply didn't want to and prefered to sleep and wake up by myself, in the comfort of my own home, without someone else hanging around. 

There's no need to assume he's wrong or doing something bad (nor that you are wrong) You're just different and not that compatible. 

3 hours ago, Rose820 said:

and then express how I feel?

To what end, though? He probably isn't that interested in your feelings if he's intending on being totally casual, which seems to be the case. 

I'd just leave it, and chalk it up to experience. 

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4 hours ago, Rose820 said:

Yeah! I mean I wasn’t looking to jump into anything serious or committed so soon either. Just wanted someone to go on dates with, have fun, hook up and see where it goes. I’d consider it dating.

Most people don't want to jump into a serious relationship so soon and first date to get to know the person.  The difference is that as soon as he met you he let you know he didn't want a serious relationship (with you) and of course the throwaway line of "you never know".  In contrast, you didn't rule out a serious relationship with him just not "so soon".  

A person who sees any potential that it could become something serious would never sabotage it by telling the other person right away they are not looking for a serious relationship.  

I agree he didn't freak out nor is it a red flag at all.  I think he saw that you weren't ruling out a serious relationship with him and realized he shouldn't lead you on by staying over.

Edited by Batya33
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Posted (edited)
42 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

  

A person who sees any potential that it could become something serious would never sabotage it by telling the other person right away they are not looking for a serious relationship.  

I agree he didn't freak out nor is it a red flag at all.  I think he saw that you weren't ruling out a serious relationship with him and realized he shouldn't lead you on by staying over.

I agree with all of that. But he said that on our first date within the first 20 minutes that he wasn’t looking for anything serious but also open. I mean? That’s how I knew it wasn’t me.  Then on our third date he said I’m a cool girl, he’s been hanging out with the wrong girls etc. and he just doesn’t want to jump into anything serious so soon.  I agreed because  it takes time to get to know someone. I mean I think anyone wants to know someone pretty well before committing. 

Since our first hook up I haven’t felt like he’s been making plans in advanced as much though. I just feel like it went wrong where I made the comment before sex. But like someone else said it was just tongue in cheek I wasn’t trying to be accusatory. But I’m sure now he feels a type of way and doesn’t even want to hook up. I invited him to spend the night so I could redeem myself and turn him on, making him forget about the first time we hooked up and how always I made it by making a comment but it didn’t go that way lol. Like I wanted to show him I was down to hook up and he shouldn’t feel like he forced me into anything. And then make it good lol, but it didn’t go as planned. Almost just seemed like he wanted to get ice cream like friends would do. And maybe threw away any intimate idea to not lead me on like you said.  Then for sure didn’t want to sleep over because that would lead to sex. But why bother asking to hangout? Just a very weird situation 

Edited by Rose820
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29 minutes ago, Rose820 said:

But why bother asking to hangout?

Some people will just fill up their calendars when they have downtime.

It's also possible that he had set up another date with someone else later in the night and couldn't stay at your house but didn't want to be honest about why.  

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8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Some people will just fill up their calendars when they have downtime.

It's also possible that he had set up another date with someone else later in the night and couldn't stay at your house but didn't want to be honest about why.  

He left at 1:30 am so I doubt another date but it could be he was just bored and wanted a quick hangout with me 

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So I’m in this situation with a girl I’ve met, we been talking since Halloween. We have had the talk about not wanting anything too fast, but are open to it. We talk to eachother everyday, maybe a text or two, but she usually calls me. 

We have been on 5-6 dates, slept over each others place etc. there was a time and she mentioned I can stay if I wanted, but I ended up leaving early. She did call on the way home and asked if everything was ok, and I just told her I was tired that night, and basically like to sleep in my own bed. It’s hard for me to sleep well at someone else’s house, or my own bed with someone in it. Just at night time I have my own routine. 
 

but long story short, she asked, I explained, and there wasn’t any confusion. 
 

id say ask him in a couple days, he will let you know. Couple just be something simple. 

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