What should I do?

[mtarcia]

I'm in my fifties, no children, single. I met a woman over 40 on a dating site. She has two young kids.

When online dating I was looking for someone without children. However, this woman took a liking to me and I liked the attention she gave me.

I have not promised her anything, since she's not the profile of person I'm looking for, but on the other hand I like the attention she gives me.

After 5 months talking on the phone and occasionally meeting in person she's now asking me whether I see "us together" in the future.

I don't think so, but I'm afraid of losing this special connection we have and feel bad for her, since I guess she's developed a crush on me.

I feel confused and saddened by this situation. What should I do?

[smackie9]

It's only fair to let her know. Just tell her that you like the casual companionship but not looking for anything too serious. If she's ok with that, that's fine, but if she doesn't like it then move on.... no one is waste anyone's time finding the right person.

[Seraphim]

In all fairness don’t waste her time to stroke your ego. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, mtarcia said:

I have not promised her anything, since she's not the profile of person I'm looking for, but on the other hand I like the attention she gives me.

Don't string anyone along for attention or sex. 

[boltnrun]

How would you like it if a woman you had been seeing and who you really liked told you she was only spending time with you because she wanted "attention"?

Treat others how you would want to be treated.

Kindly tell her you will not be seeing her any longer as you do not see a future with her.

[waffle]

1 hour ago, mtarcia said:

 . . . she's now asking me whether I see "us together" in the future.

She likely already knows, that's why she's asking.  She just needs it confirmed on the off-chance her instincts are wrong, so I'd confirm it for her so she (and you) can move along.

[Capricorn3]

For a start, stop being selfish and self-centred and use her for an ego boost.  Not nice at all. At age 50 one would expect you to know better, right? Stop wasting her time. Do the right thing and be a decent human being and let her know that you're not looking for anything serious.

[Debsterism]

8 hours ago, mtarcia said:

I'm in my fifties, no children, single. I met a woman over 40 on a dating site. She has two young kids.

When online dating I was looking for someone without children. However, this woman took a liking to me and I liked the attention she gave me.

I have not promised her anything, since she's not the profile of person I'm looking for, but on the other hand I like the attention she gives me.

After 5 months talking on the phone and occasionally meeting in person she's now asking me whether I see "us together" in the future.

I don't think so, but I'm afraid of losing this special connection we have and feel bad for her, since I guess she's developed a crush on me.

I feel confused and saddened by this situation. What should I do?

You should, as the saying goes "grow a pair!" Be honest and adult. Tell her that you are not interested in being with her long term because you are too old to step into the role of step-father to young children. Tell her that you like her as a person, but not as a partner. Then move on. Stop using her for attention when you are not prepared to give HER what she wants in return. 

[mtarcia]

Thank you all for your kind advice. I told her and it did not go well. I'm sorry if I appeared as a callous person. I'm not. I'll admit that I'm immature but I don't like to hurt people.

In fact, I already told her that I liked her as a friend previously and she blocked and unblocked me on whatsapp three times before continuing this "relationship", which we obviously saw very differently.

I just wanted to give this explanation to explain why I let it continue. But I won't make more excuses. You're right. I should have been more blunt.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, mtarcia said:

 I'm immature but I don't like to hurt people.

You're 50 and knew you were stringing her along. So you knew what you were doing.

[mtarcia]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're 50 and knew you were stringing her along. So you knew what you were doing.

What part of "I already told her" don't you understand? I felt bad blocking her. Not everybody can be as perfect as you.

[Rose Mosse]

7 hours ago, mtarcia said:

Thank you all for your kind advice. I told her and it did not go well. I'm sorry if I appeared as a callous person. I'm not. I'll admit that I'm immature but I don't like to hurt people.

In fact, I already told her that I liked her as a friend previously and she blocked and unblocked me on whatsapp three times before continuing this "relationship", which we obviously saw very differently.

I just wanted to give this explanation to explain why I let it continue. But I won't make more excuses. You're right. I should have been more blunt.

It seems you both enjoyed each others’ company on some level.

While I don’t believe in stringing anyone along, she’s also fully capable of walking away civilly without dragging this out longer than it needed to be or needing any sort of verbal confirmation from you. 

In future don’t pursue anything with a person with whom you don’t agree with. Let it be more about mutual respect. You’ll run into less issues like this.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, mtarcia said:

 I felt bad blocking her. Not everybody can be as perfect as you.

Stringing women along at your age for 5 mos. has nothing to do with perfect. It has to do with simple integrity everyone is capable of.

[mtarcia]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stringing women along at your age for 5 mos. has nothing to do with perfect. It has to do with simple integrity everyone is capable of.

What part of "I already told her" don't you understand? Reading ability is something everyone is capable of. Would you persist in a relationship if the other person told you repeatedly that they liked you only "as a friend"?

I'm not dodging the issue, and I'll take my part of the blame, but not more than it's due. The other person was also capable of walking away in a civilized manner much earlier. Also something that everyone is capable of.

[boltnrun]

22 hours ago, mtarcia said:

I have not promised her anything, since she's not the profile of person I'm looking for, but on the other hand I like the attention she gives me.

I think this is what some people are tripping over.

I'm glad you chose to end it.  Please do not offer to stay "friends" or contact her if you're feeling lonely or want companionship.  I'm sure there are women out there who are a good match for you, so think about going that route.

[smackie9]

Lesson learned: Next time just be honest upfront so it doesn't come down to hurting someone's feelings/creating an awkward situation. Oh well moving forward....happy new year!

[mtarcia]

On 1/3/2022 at 12:09 AM, Capricorn3 said:

For a start, stop being selfish and self-centred and use her for an ego boost.  Not nice at all. At age 50 one would expect you to know better, right? Stop wasting her time. Do the right thing and be a decent human being and let her know that you're not looking for anything serious.

Although I value advice, I won't tolerate disrespect. I'm a decent human being and your implication that I'm not is simply disrespectful. As to your assumption about what one should should know at my age I'll leave it up to you to work out why that's rude. You don't know anything about my past. Go talk like that to your mother. And you call yourself a moderator? Shame on you!

[MissCanuck]

You came back more than a year later just to post that?