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Really conflicted about my ex


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On 1/1/2022 at 4:12 PM, boltnrun said:

I only skimmed because that post was way too long and is repetitive.  But one thing I can almost guarantee is he's using again.  That's why he picked fights on the weekends, so he could go make his purchase and spend the weekend using.

I highly recommend you stop involving his family and friends in this breakup.  It doesn't matter if his parents love you, you have to leave them out of it.

Lean on YOUR family and friends, not his.  And you have to stop contacting him or you will never feel better.

I know it's hard to see right now, but he is in no shape to be in a relationship. After some time away the fog will clear and you will see he is not at all the right man for you.

It does make sense about using again. It was weird how it would always be the same time, the same day. He'd be gone until like 10pm or 11pm, then he'd come running back to me, begging me to just lay with him and want to hold me. He would behave fine then until the next weekend rolled around. Then he'd once again give me some random, weird excuse about feelings and take off again. I really did question whether he was actually visiting our mutual friend or not. I began to question if he was actually visiting that new work friend instead and just didn't want to say that.

Him using again is a really hard, bitter pill to swallow. But I do agree it is possible. I mean he never struck me as the type to have a relapse because he was very proud of being sober. But the fact that he had asked me before what I'd do if he ever started using again did make me wonder. I tried to push the thought out and tried to just play it off as a hypothetical question. 

Today has been a week since I decided to go no contact. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we broke up and a week since he pulled the "moved on" stunt.

He actually texted my mom on January 1 and told her happy new year. Then a mutual friend of ours texted me on the 2nd and said that he was sure my ex misses me even though I don't believe that. He also told me to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and accepting my ex back in case something happens down the road. I don't know why he would have said that. It almost felt like maybe my ex had been talking about me with/to him or something. And I have no idea why my ex would text my mom. Like I said before - even if someone in my family texts him first, he shouldn't answer. He should do the same to them he did to me. He should either ignore them or tell them to not contact him anymore. But he sent my mom a very normal text like nothing happened. How could he have "moved on" so fast, yet still talk to my family? And why would our mutual friend say he was sure my ex misses me despite what I think/believe?

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1 minute ago, Mystic said:

Today has been a week since I went no contact. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we broke up and a week since he did the "moved on" thing. He texted my mom on January 1 and told her happy new year. Then a mutual friend of ours texted me on the 2nd and said that he was sure my ex misses me even though I don't believe that. He also told me to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and accepting my ex back in case something happens down the road. I don't know why he would have said that. It almost felt like maybe my ex had been talking about me to him or something. And I have no idea why my ex would text my mom.

I have had exes contact my family. And we all have those "friends" that come to us with updates on the exes. 

I suggest you tell people to not tell you what is going on with him. 

For some may have good intentions, some like the drama of it, as it's interesting but not hurting them. 

It does hurt you though.  And let's keep one thing in mind... your ex did this.  He chose to not be with you, to not be a good a partner and to break you guys up.  

It's not on you to figure his actions out and fix things.  For lack of a better term screw him and whatever is happening with him. Now or down the road.  You owe him nothing at this point and he better remember down the road he chose this.  

Your focus should be on being a true and protective friend to yourself.  You've been through enough thanks to this guy. 

Don't let anyone guilt you with some BS like he's a victim.  He's the aggressor, the antagonist, the problem.... and you need to steer clear of him. 

A life well lived is the response here. Peace, joy, healthy and happy. That is what matters now. The past is done.  You're priority is getting to your new happy.

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On 1/1/2022 at 3:24 PM, Jibralta said:

@Mystic Your post is one of the longest posts I've ever seen. It's literally a 5,000 word essay. If you put 1/10 the amount of time into leaving this relationship as you do into keeping track of it, you will be free in no time. 

Being a sarcastic jerk to someone who is clearly hurting and in need just shows what a rude person you are. Please do better.

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On 1/1/2022 at 7:15 PM, Tinydance said:

I'm really sorry you are hurting and it is very obvious from your post that you really love this guy. You seem to still have hope that you'd get back together and I guess that's normal when you love someone. I think the best thing you can do though is block him on everything and actually start trying to move on.

It really doesn't seem like he loves you anymore or wants to be with you. He probably just made comments like: "If we're meant to be together, we will be" because that gives him the option to keep you as a back up or friend with benefits if he doesn't find anyone else. I've seen a lot of people post on this forum where someone broke up with them and said something like that too. It's common for the dumper to say that sometimes just to ease their own guilt or keep their ex as a back up option. 

The thing is, you don't deserve to just be a back up and be with someone who's not sure about you. You deserve a guy who's 100% sure and you're his number one. Do you really want a boyfriend who leaves you every single weekend? It caused you so much fear, anxiety and hurt. It's not normal for your partner to leave you on a regular basis. That wouldn't happen in a healthy relationship. 

It's hard to say why your ex's feelings changed. Maybe he did begin using again or maybe he just lost feelings for you. I don't think you really need to know the reason because as he told you, you did nothing wrong. If he's choosing drugs over you then he still made that choice and this is what he wants.

Today has been a week since I decided to go no contact. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since we broke up and a week since he pulled the "moved on" stunt.

He actually texted my mom on January 1 and told her happy new year. Then a mutual friend of ours texted me the morning of the 2nd and said that he was sure my ex misses me even though I don't believe that. The mutual friend also told me to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and accepting my ex back in case something happens down the road. I don't know why he would have said that. It almost felt like maybe my ex had been talking about me with/to him or something.

And I have no idea why my ex would text my mom. Like I said before - even if someone in my family texts first, he shouldn't answer. He should do the same to them he did to me. He should either ignore them or tell them to not contact him anymore. But he sent my mom a very normal text like nothing happened. How could he have "moved on" so fast, yet still talk to my family? And why would our mutual friend say he was sure my ex misses me despite what I think/believe?

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21 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I agree. The more important thing to focus on here is his erratic behavior, unexplained disappearances, likely relapse, and secretive phone use. 

I would really like to know if he is using again. I really would. But how do I find that out? He never struck me as the type to relapse. He was happy in sober life and proud of his sucess. I know as a recovering addict, you're basically ALWAYS recovering. You can relapse no matter how long it's been or how successful you've been. But I just don't know. I know it is weird timing. Nothing happened until he started the new job and met the new work friend. Then he started to push me away, say weird excuses about his feelings and say he needed to go see our mutual friend. I never knew if he was REALLY truly seeing the mutual friend or not. It definitely made me wonder. I often wondered if he was actually going to see the new work friend instead and just didn't want me to know that for obvious reasons. 

After he texted my mom happy new year, I got a weird text from our mutual friend the next morning. The mutual friend said that he is sure my ex misses me, despite me thinking otherwise. The mutual friend also told me to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and accepting my ex back in case something happens down the road.

I don't know why the mutual friend would say thatbat all. It felt like maybe my ex had been talking to them about me or something. The mutual friend also confirmed that they plan to forgive and try to hopefully get back together with their one ex. I guess me and my ex's situation got them thinking. Those 2 had broken up awhile back over some drama. The mutual friend would always talk to me and my ex about it and me and my ex always had the feeling that the mutual friend regretted breaking up and did want them back (in this case, our mutual friend was the dumper who left their partner). I guess we were right to think that after the text I received. I just told them good luck and I hope they maybe do get their second chance.

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51 minutes ago, Mystic said:

Being a sarcastic jerk to someone who is clearly hurting and in need just shows what a rude person you are. Please do better.

I wasn't being a sarcastic jerk. I was (and am) dead serious. You've spent an incredible amount of effort cataloging the demise of this relationship. A fraction of that effort put towards analyzing it would bounce you right out of the dilemma you're caught in. 

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1 hour ago, Mystic said:

I would really like to know if he is using again. I really would. But how do I find that out? ... I often wondered if he was actually going to see the new work friend instead and just didn't want me to know that for obvious reasons. 

Whatever the situation actually is, you have to convince yourself to disengage from that senseless internal debate and let go altogether. The bottom line is that he was acting shady and he abandoned ship. Try to shift your focus more on the shadiness, and not so much about whether it was caused by addiction or not. His behavior alone (even the post-shady cuddles) should make you want to run the other way. It is alarming.

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On 1/1/2022 at 11:26 AM, Mystic said:

I knew he had mentioned having multiple phones before in the past when he was doing drug-related things. I was very nervous when I seen that phone charging but I didn't say anything. He didn't say anything about it either. We laid down and went to sleep together. The random phone disappeared and he only kept his current phone around while I was there.

^ You've got to stop sweeping these kinds of things under the rug. He isn't just some recovering addict who is super proud of staying clean, he was/is a dealer. To get involved with someone like that was a huge mistake and poor judgment on your end and you are still in denial about it.

People like that aren't just manipulative, they are dangerous. It's actually nice of him to boot you out of his life now that he is back in that world and active again (assuming he'd ever really stepped away and not simply gotten tired of pretending to be normal around you). You need to stop being intentionally blind and naive about that stuff.

As for him texting your fam holiday greetings or responding to your dad, honestly, it's just normal. He doesn't hate any of you, he has just made the decision to end the relationship. Lots of people will text holiday greetings even years after anything meaningful is over. Please stop trying to read anything into this because you are just hurting yourself.

As for mutual friends, OP, once you break up there are no mutual friends. They are either your friend, his friend, or the toxic fence sitter who loves to stir the pot and play with people's emotions. I'd put my money on the latter here in the text you got. Cut those "mutual flying monkeys" out of your life and start leaning on your actual friends and family for support. People who genuinely have your back. Also, ask everyone around to stop talking to your ex or discussing him with you unless you need to vent.

Finally, it's common for dumpers to string you along for as long as they can. It's selfish in that they don't want you anymore, but then want to use you to make themselves feel better and less guilty about hurting your feelings. That's why the advice is always to stop all contact so you can start healing instead of being strung along and jerked around emotionally by someone who no longer wants you.

Also, I sincerely hope that once the raw pain subsides, you actually take off those pink goggles and take a long hard look at yourself and what drove you to get involved with this guy. I think you are actually lucky he chose to dump you instead of dragging you down with him. Nobody can promise you to never break up with you - that's a manipulative lie told to a vulnerable person who drank it up. Please learn better from this.

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Repeating over and over that he texted your mom and this "mutual friend" who was never in your relationship says you should "forgive" him doesn't change anything. (BTW, no need to repeat the same response over and over, everyone can see your replies not just the person you reply to).

He chose to leave the relationship, said he's moving on and is likely using again or never stopped.

I get you're in the "denial" phase of grief.  Staying away from him and staying out of contact will help the fog to clear so you can see the situation as it really is, not how you wish it would be.

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It would be best to ask your friends and family for support and stop chitchatting with him. Ask your family to delete and block him.

You as well will feel better when you delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

That way you can move on in peace.

It's unclear if you are repeatedly posting the same thing as some sort of obsession or just copy/pasting your same respond over and over and over.

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He's either using again (and dealing), or he's been seeing someone else. 

Or all the above. 

Regardless of what this friend says, the punctuation your ex uses in his texts, or why he got in touch with your mom - he is shady and not the man for you. I suspect there is a lot you don't know about him, and what you don't know would probably crush you. 

My gut would be screaming at me to stay away from him, forever. 

 

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3 hours ago, Mystic said:

He texted my mom on January 1 and told her happy new year. Then a mutual friend of ours texted me on the 2nd and said that he was sure my ex misses me even though I don't believe that.

Yes, is possible he 'misses you', which is normal, but does not mean he wants to be with you.. I've had the same with a cpl ex's. Remember, IF they wanted to be with you, they would be.

He may have felt obligated to msg your mom NY's, he's just being kind.  BUT, I am sure mom knows all that has happened.. Again, no need for any interaction and he best leave YOUR side alone.  Not kiss up.

All of this will take time to sink in and to work on accepting, etc.  Go with the flow of emotions.. but best thing for you is to STOP most of these interactions. eg.  Is it necessary for you to deal with his friends anymore?  ( tell them you do not want to hear anymore about him!).

 

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3 hours ago, Mystic said:

How could he have "moved on" so fast, yet still talk to my family?

Plenty of dumpers hold onto the comforts of the trappings they've enjoyed 'around' their ex, even while they move on from the ex.

Quote

And why would our mutual friend say he was sure my ex misses me despite what I think/believe?

Be careful of the private agendas of friends. He or she might have intended to offer you comfort, but that was to comfort him or herself from your pain.

Is this the mutual friend who you could ask about ex's alibi? And would you trust the answer?

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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

As for him texting your fam holiday greetings or responding to your dad, honestly, it's just normal. He doesn't hate any of you, he has just made the decision to end the relationship. Lots of people will text holiday greetings even years after anything meaningful is over.

Yes, I did that once. My ex-boyfriend's parents were such sweet people that I dropped a card in the mail for them for the Christmas after I broke up with their son. If I'm honest, I probably did it because I felt a little guilty for breaking up with their son after they had shown me so much affection. I didn't send him a card though, because I didn't want to get back together and I didn't want to confuse him. I hope he knew me well enough to know that I wasn't trying to butter my way back into his life via his parents. 

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18 years ago I was broken up with by a guy I was over the moon with -we'd been together 5 months.  It was right before my bday and right before we were supposed to go away on our first vacation.  He was not in love with me.  That's why.  I immediately made plans to fly to California to see my best friend and spend my birthday with her.  The next day, the day before my California trip, he sends me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and a note that basically says he thinks I'm amazing, he cares about me -maybe even said he missed me.  I called my best friend in California. I was soooo excited - "he still loves me! he misses me - he sent me flowers!!!!" 

She said, quietly, thoughtfully, "I don't think that's what it means.  I think he cares about you and feels badly how he ended things but I don't think it means he wants to get back together."  Well thank goodness for best friends.  Of course she was right.  Of course I was grasping at straws, reading into the flowers and the note -when he hadn't contacted me to say "this is a huge mistake.  I do want to be with you.  Can we please try again?"  Even then... but at least if that had been his call I'd have been justified in thinking "he regrets his decision, maybe it warrants a talk about what happened and then we'll see."  Everything else -is grasping at straws. 

Stop grasping at straws.  IMHO.  (Oh and the ex did contact me again -a number of times -first to hook up while he was still single - and later to put out feelers/flirt with me -when he was serious with his future wife and then engaged - he started dating her 6 months after we broke up so, again, assume your ex is just not that into you and assume if you hang on you'll get to hear about who he's dating -it's not fun unless you've moved on).  

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9 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Repeating over and over that he texted your mom and this "mutual friend" who was never in your relationship says you should "forgive" him doesn't change anything. (BTW, no need to repeat the same response over and over, everyone can see your replies not just the person you reply to).

He chose to leave the relationship, said he's moving on and is likely using again or never stopped.

I get you're in the "denial" phase of grief.  Staying away from him and staying out of contact will help the fog to clear so you can see the situation as it really is, not how you wish it would be.

I am new here so I didn't know ALL replies and stuff were public to every user here

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12 hours ago, Lambert said:

I have had exes contact my family. And we all have those "friends" that come to us with updates on the exes. 

I suggest you tell people to not tell you what is going on with him. 

For some may have good intentions, some like the drama of it, as it's interesting but not hurting them. 

It does hurt you though.  And let's keep one thing in mind... your ex did this.  He chose to not be with you, to not be a good a partner and to break you guys up.  

It's not on you to figure his actions out and fix things.  For lack of a better term screw him and whatever is happening with him. Now or down the road.  You owe him nothing at this point and he better remember down the road he chose this.  

Your focus should be on being a true and protective friend to yourself.  You've been through enough thanks to this guy. 

Don't let anyone guilt you with some BS like he's a victim.  He's the aggressor, the antagonist, the problem.... and you need to steer clear of him. 

A life well lived is the response here. Peace, joy, healthy and happy. That is what matters now. The past is done.  You're priority is getting to your new happy.

Thank you for that response. Really... thank you. I didn't understand that aspect either - like if HE broke up with ME and did all this, why was he trying to play victim? Why was he acting hurt? Why was he doing so much apologizing? He hurt ME. Why would our mutual friend be saying to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and stuff? As if they EXPECT him to come back looking for forgiveness later! That takes nerve, doesn't it?

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56 minutes ago, Mystic said:

Why would our mutual friend be saying to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and stuff? As if they EXPECT him to come back looking for forgiveness later! That takes nerve, doesn't it?

It's less about nerve, and more about wishful thinking. Friends and family hurt, too, when couples break up. They are often clumsy and offer predictable platitudes just as they do whenever someone is suffering any other kind of anxiety or grief.

We're more likely to overlook clumsiness in circumstances like hospitalizations or deaths because we're not viewing those events through a detective-like lens of our own agenda.

So is this the mutual friend your ex used as an alibi, and have you ever asked this friend whether he or she was where ex's MIA weekend time was spent?

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Anything he does you see as a positive when it is nothing more than guilt and loneliness.  He chose his new best friend and drugs over you but they cannot fill up all of his time so he reaches out for parts of the life he left behind.

  You really need to tell your family to block him so you can stop hoping he will come back every time someone gets a text message from him.

 You shouldn't be trying to get your ex back, you should be spending your time realizing you can do better than him and should do better than him.

 Marrying and having children with an addict, former or otherwise is risky at best.  You seem way to fragile for that kind of life.

  Stop doing NC to get him back and start doing it to heal and move on.

Lost

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I would take this attitude "why ask why?"  Because why doesn't matter so much right now. The risks of the Why??? keeping you in this vicious cycle of overthinking -and the risk that if he calls you'll go running - are not worth it.  Why? Because he can.  Because he is a person who chose to move towards pleasure and away from pain like most humans do.  This person found more pleasure in being apart from you than with you.  Could be a million different reasons or no reasons.  Analyzing every social media move he makes, every contact he makes with people you know, or your family -won't get you anywhere good and could really get in your own way of moving on.  I'm sorry you're struggling.

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10 hours ago, Mystic said:

if HE broke up with ME and did all this, why was he trying to play victim? Why was he acting hurt? Why was he doing so much apologizing? He hurt ME.

Probably so that he could justify his own behavior. People who behave poorly don't want to look like bad guys. Look up cognitive dissonance. 

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11 hours ago, Mystic said:

Thank you for that response. Really... thank you. I didn't understand that aspect either - like if HE broke up with ME and did all this, why was he trying to play victim? Why was he acting hurt? Why was he doing so much apologizing? He hurt ME. Why would our mutual friend be saying to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and stuff? As if they EXPECT him to come back looking for forgiveness later! That takes nerve, doesn't it?

It does take a lot of nerve. I learned from my own experience and friend group, that friends while they are fun and we do love them, not all of them are looking out for you. 

I went through a period where I was actually pressured to be friends with my ex for the sake of the friend group.  Everybody just wanted to keep things the way they were for their own enjoyment.  There was zero concern for what I was going through. 

Some understood and some didn't. So there was some distancing on my part and I flat out told people please stop telling me what he is doing. 

I was guilted about my ex and their friendship with him, too. And was treated like I was the crazy one.

So some strength and doing what is best for you regardless of what others think is a priority. You do not owe anyone an explanation either. 

Years later, many of these same people would say to me,  wow he's messed up. And I was like yeah I know.

I didn't end friendships or fight about it. I just asked people to stop telling me and if they could not I distanced myself.

Try not to succumb to the drama. it only prolongs the situation.

Be good to yourself.  Hang with  other people or go find other things to do.  In my case, it was my core friend group but I did have other friends through work.  So shift into a new routine with different people that aren't so into this. If your limited on friends hang alone for awhile. Enjoying your own company is a must for a successful life.

It will help move forward, as where you put your attention is where your life will go.... don't hold on to the past, work toward the future, take time to heal your heart, take care of yourself #1.

This is all going to be OK. 

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