Really conflicted about my ex

[Mystic]

I really need help here. I have no idea what to do! I just turned 30 and my now-ex boyfriend is 31.

I am in desperate need of relationship advice and tips on how to get my ex back. We were together 16 months from August 21, 2020 until December 21, 2021. We lived together. We talked about the future. We talked about marriage and kids. He said he could definitely see having kids with me because I'd be a great mom. He would call me his future wifey. We had initially agreed an ideal time frame for getting engaged would be around the year and a half marker. He broke up with me on December 21 officially.
 

He had started a new job in October. He met this new guy at work and for some reason, he became good friends with him. They exchanged numbers and would text a lot. It scared me. I did not trust this new friend. The new friend was a former addict and current alcoholic. My ex was a former addict and formee alcoholic who had been clean for a couple years when we got together. I was not comfortable with the friendship at all. It was unusual for him to even make friends like that at work. Usually he would have the mindset of "I'm here to make a paycheck, not friendship". He also really didn't share personal stuff with co-workers. He tried to keep them out of personal business. So when he told me he had "bonded" with this new friend over their past stuff, it was a little concerning.

Things had been off with us since the week before Thanksgiving. Each weekend, he would pull the same stunt. He would tell me that he was unsure of his feelings and stuff. I would naturally be upset and get emotional. The first time he ever did it, I was angry. I had no idea where it was coming from or how he could suddenly be questioning his feelings after so long together. It would be the same deal - I would be upset and he would leave. He'd say he was going to go see his best friend (a male and mutual friend of ours) most the time but the one time he said he had just took a drive.

Without fail, he would always come back the very same night. I'd get a call or text asking if I was ok/still at the house. I'd say yes. He would always sound very upset. He would say he didn't want to talk and just wanted to lay with me. He would apologize to me a lot on the phone and in person. As soon as he would come in, he would immediately hug me. We would then spend the rest of the night holding each other, but not talking about anything that happened. Then, the relationship would resume as normal... only for the same thing to happen again the very next weekend.

I developed so much fear and anxiety. I began to dread weekends because I was afraid he'd leave again. I would just come to expect it and wait for it.

We had ONE full normal week where he did not leave on the weekend. That was the week of December 5. The 10th and 11th were fine. I had my usual post-weekend anxiety and fear, but then he never left. Nothing out of character happened. He never said anything about feelings being different. He behaved normally the whole weekend. He was affectionate with me. We behaved fine. I actually started to breathe a sigh of relief. I thought maybe it was just a phase and it was starting to pass and return to normal again.

It happened again that very next weekend though. During these times leading up to the offical split, he would be hot and cold. He would act normal during the week. We texted each other from work, he would do the usual special things he'd do with me (like the"I love you" hand squeeze we did), we still slept next to each other, he would cuddle with me, we would laugh together and joke together, he would playfully tease me as he did, he still showed care and concern for me, we still ate together. Then come Friday night or Saturday, he'd start the cold behavior and leave for 2-3 hours (usually always around the same time), then come back apologizing. I'd always forgive him and accept him back.
 

I had left during the issue we had on December 17th/18th. I had left and then I decided to come back. It was late, around 1am. I came into the bedroom and he was charging a phone I had never seen before. His current phone had been in bad shape for awhile and didn't usually work well, but he refused to replace it. I knew he had mentioned having multiple phones before in the past when he was doing drug-related things. I was very nervous when I seen that phone charging but I didn't say anything. He didn't say anything about it either. We laid down and went to sleep together. The random phone disappeared and he only kept his current phone around while I was there. I only stayed around a couple more days and then we officially broke up.

When he broke up with me officially on the 21st, he said again didn't have the feelings he needed anymore. Just 2 days before, we held hands in bed together as we commonly did. The very day before, he kissed me and said love you before work.

I was extremely upset and cried, but I did start rounding my clothes up to leave. He helped me gather them. He hugged me and told me he didn't deserve me and I said yes he did. He also told me that he was going to be single. He said he didn't want sex or a relationship with anyone right now. He said he needed time to clear his mind and sort his feelings out. I told him I'd be single too. He told me not to put my life on hold for him because he wasn't sure what would happen, but told me if we were meant to be, we would get back together sometime.

When I went to leave, he hugged me again. Tighter and longer this time and said he loved me. He texted me a lot that night we broke up too. He kept telling me he felt terrible and saying how sorry he was. He kept telling me it was not my fault. He kept telling me this decision had nothing to do with me and I didn't do anything wrong. He said it had nothing to do with me doing anything wrong or bad and the opposite had happened and just his feelings changed. He told me he thought he needed distance and time.

I admit I sent a slew of texts the night we broke up and the day after.... some of which probably seemed desperate and were unhelpful. I was just so emotional and hurt. I was losing my best friend and the love of my life. I wanted to fight for him and for us.

I told him I was worried about him being with another girl - calling her the cute pet names he'd call me. Doing all the sweet things with and for her he'd do with and for me. He immediately said no. He said it wouldn't be like that and he didn't want that. He kept telling me how hard this was.

The night we broke up while we texted, he told me he had never met anyone like me and said how amazing I was and that any man would be blessed to have me. He said he just knew whatever was meant to be would happen and if we were meant to be together, we'd get back together. He said he hoped I found a great, deserving guy if we never did get back together.

Just the thought of us never getting back together stung. I tried to be casual and just agree that yes... we can take this space and see what happens. He thanked me for all the support and for everything I had done for him and taught him. He told me again that I had grown into an amazing, special person and said he just wasn't having those feelings he needed. He said he had changed and it was hard to explain.

That made no sense to me at all. You go from being so happy and in love with me to telling me that you just don't have those feelings you need and breaking up with me. He didn't stop there. He said he was sorry for everything and felt like he had hurt me, himself and each of our families more than words could explain.

He said his family was upset when they heard and his dad's eyes were watery. He told me they all love me. He said that made him feel even worse. He said it's so hard... so hard but he felt he must do this to figure out what's right for both us to figure that out. He said if we are meant to be we will be and if not we will end up with who we are supposed to be with.

I admit that at first, I tried to get him to reconsider the break up. I was afraid. I knew some things that likely led up to it and I had already taken strides to make him see none of that would ever be a thing again. For our little arguments we'd have, I realized how stupid and meaningless they were.

We had actually not had a recent fight in the weeks before the official break up. We only had one drama issue and that was caused by his older sister during Thanksgiving. I was angry at her and I yelled "at" him while expressing it... but I wasn't blaming him for it. I was just yelling because I was angry and he knew. He actually showed me support and said it was wrong of her to say and do what she had done. We had a family meeting with his family and worked it all out. His sister apologized to me and I apologized to her and said I forgave her.

Me and my ex had personally made improvements and had not argued over any pointless things as of lately. Things had actually came up that would have likely caused an argument earlier... but they didn't this time. He was nervous we may have issues with that again and he or I may say something mean in the heat of the moment again. I wanted to show him that wouldn't be the case, so I had even bought books on communication and fair fighting for us to use to prepare for the future. He refused to try them or look at them because he said while he agreed they'd help, your feelings had to be in the right spot to be able to do that. So he went through with the break up instead and said all that stuff the night we broke up.

I felt bad for pushing those books and stuff at first. I know that probably turned him off and pushed him further away since he was so flip-floppy. But I was terrified. I was willing to fight for him and for us. I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to try to convince him right then to just stay and work things out. But I feel that was very likely the opposite I needed to be doing. It probably scared him and pushed him away. He needed space and time... not to be pushed and have me begging him to utilize the books.

I know EVENTUALLY those would have helped... but it was not the right time and I feel so stupid and bad for that. I was just scared and trying to jump into anything to stop him from leaving. I wanted him to see that WE were worth it and that there are tons of tools to help us build a better relationship where we don't fight over silly things and avoid saying mean stuff if we'd be upset. We had done good at that too. I just wanted to work on the books together so we could be better prepared for any future stuff that came up. If we learned now, we'd be ready and prepared and have a whole arsenal of tips and tricks to make us fight KINDLY AND FAIR.

I know it was a BIG mistake to beg, appear desperate and try to get him to reconsider. Especially so early on. Like just a day after we split I was begging him to reconsider. He did tell me he cared about me still... but it just hurt. It shocked me so much. It came as a shock to everyone else too. No one believed we actually broke up.

He stayed through some tough times last year. He promised me he would never leave or break up with me. We promised each other the only time we would separate would be in the case one of us cheated or there was domestic violence. Of course that never applied. We agreed we'd always work things out. He told me he'd be by my side through good and bad times, no matter how rough things got. He always seemed very happy with me. I was very happy with him. We would always do stuff together. We had fun together. We joked around, played little pranks on each other, were very affectionate with one another, said I love you often, sent sweet texts when we were apart, etc.

Everyone agreed we made a wonderful couple. People would say you could just see the love we had for one another. His sisters told me they had never seen him THAT happy with anyone before and they often thanked me for treating him so well and making him so happy. His family really liked me and are devastated by this separation. My family feels the same. They really liked him a lot and are hurt we separted.

No one really gets the "changed feelings" aspect and they also don't believe he could possibly have someone else or possibly have been cheating. He was always the type to be committed to HIS girl. He said he wouldn't even talk to other girls if he was with someone. He did not check out girls while we were together that I ever seen. He was always very loving to me. He did not like or trust other guys around me. He was protective of me in a good way and always took care of me. He would always worry about me and my well-being.

Just the day before we broke up, I injured my finger at work. I nearly ripped my nail completely off in an accident and it hurt BADLY. My nail was all bent back. He panicked when I texted on break and told him what had happened. He asked if we needed to go to the dr. Right when work was over and we were home, he immediately wanted to see my finger. He wasn't expecting it to look as bad as it did and freaked out. He helped me fix the nail and get it trimmed away and then put first aid ointment and a band aid on it. The next day... the day we broke up... he asked how it was twice from work. He said he had worried about it all day and kept hoping it wasn't giving me any issues. I told him he didn't need to worry and he said he always would.

He was also never the type to rush into a relationship. His own mom confirmed that. She said he never just moves on from a relationship. She said he always takes it slow and isn't into casual things. He wants commitment. That reflected our start. We had been talking and seeing each other for about 4 months before he finally asked me out. He had taken me somewhere special and wrote out a card, asking me to be his girlfriend. It was very sweet and I happily accepted.

On our 6 month anniversary in February 2021, he planned a little weekend getaway for us then gave me a beautiful, customized promise ring. He also had a dozen roses as he would often get me. This time, he had placed an artificial one in the center of the arrangement. He told me when that last rose died is when he'd stop loving me. He told me I was the first girl he had ever gotten jewlery for. He got me the promise ring which was a big step for him. He got me a necklace of an otter with a heart. When I lost it, I was upset. He wasn't mad at all and simply replaced it. I ended up finding the original and he said to keep them both so I could have a back up.

Since we broke up, it has been odd. He has acted really weird. We texted ok on the 23rd, but he kept telling me he couldn't talk to me. He said he wasn't in a place to do that yet. I said I understood. I went over that day while he was at work and got the rest of my stuff from his place. He had told me he would pack it up for me to pick up, but I went ahead and did it for him because he said it was hard.

I went over in the afternoon since I was off work and gathered all the rest of my things. It was very odd. When I went in the bedroom, everything was still the same as the night I left. He hadn't made the bed. He hadn't removed the cup I had been drinking from the evening he kicked me out. He had not even started to try to pack anything up for me. Everything was still exactly where it had been left. He had also left my picture on the nightstand. My promise ring and the necklace he got me were laying on top of it. The picture was face up. It also appeared he had slept on my side of the bed.

That day (the 23rd), he had told me he hoped I had a Merry Christmas. I said I didn't know how that would be. He said same with him, but he was hoping. When he came home that evening from work and seen I had gotten everything else out, he texted and thanked me and said I did a great job. I didn't answer. I didn't text him and he didn't text me on the 24th. The 25h, I made the "mistake" of texting him Merry Christmas. He did not answer me. I assumed it was due to him being asleep. I had battled with myself about texting him and finally decided to try around 11pm. I found out my dad had texted him Merry Christmas around 6:30pm and he had replied and said thanks and also said Merry Christmas. Once I found that out, I decided to try to text and see what he'd do. He did not answer. The morning of the 26th, I just said I'm sorry. I felt bad for even trying to message him, but it felt so weird to not tell him Merry Christmas. He didn't reply to my apology either.

On the 27th, some negative stuff happened to set off my anxiety really badly. This event did not have anything to do with us or our break up. I was really upset and afraid, so I texted him and asked if we could talk because it was important. I regretted it immediately. I was trying hard to do no contact, but he was always the one who understood and calmed me down when I was worried or afraid. I just forgot he wasn't my person anymore and that he wasn't going to be there to give me the reassurance I needed as he typically would before. He did text back. He said he was sorry but he didn't want to talk. I said I understood and apologized. I apologized for the recent texts and I apologized for the emotional behavior during and before the initial break up.

He said he understood and forgave me. He said sorry again but he couldn't talk to me. He also told me he had boxed the last of my stuff up. I was confused by that. I knew I had some dirty laundry in our basket, but I didn't know I had anything else. I had cleared everything out on the 23rd. If I left it, it was either not mine or not something I wanted/needed. He asked if I could get it from his car and I said yes.

I was very shocked when I went the next day (the 28th) to pick it up. He had thrown in so much stuff that wasn't mine. A half-used roll of medical tape. Lotion I didn't want. Nail clippers (we had shared those and I have more so I left them for him). An empty ointment box. An empty lent roller handle. A book his older sister had gotten for us (he probably didn't realize that was the book - it was in with my yoga books, so I think he probably just tossed all the books into the box without even looking to see what they were).

Even better? There was also some of his things. His hairbrush that clearly is not anything like mine. He didn't even keep his in the same area as mine. It was clearly not my hairbrush. I also found 3 of his shirts and a pair of his underwear. He had also left a phone charger and his coffee tumbler in my car yet he never asked for them back. Obviously he knows the tumbler especially is missing. He used that every morning for his to-go coffee on the way to work.

He had also given me back a couple sentimental items. I absolutely love otters. So he frequently got me otter-themed gifts especially with cute phrases. He gave back an otter blanket that said "I love you a lotter" and slippers that said "Otterly in love with you". I didn't lash out or say anything about it, but it stung a great deal. I felt like why would you give those back to me? Just to rub salt in the wounds and make me remember how you USED to feel? It was very upsetting.

He had not given back other sentimental things like letters/cards we wrote each other or my picture, ring or necklace. I feel like he probably threw away all the letters/cards and my ring/necklace/pic. He had given me my yoga books back and those were in the same area as the cards/letters. They were in the drawer below the books, so he was right near where they were. I feel that he probably threw them away. That kills me to think of that.

He texted me in the afternoon on the 28th literally right when I left and asked if I got my stuff. He was supposed to be at work. It was probably just weird timing I guess. I ignored him naturally. Then about 4:45pm on the 28th, I got a couple very erratic and weird texts that made no sense. I forwarded them to his mom and showed my mom. Neither of them understood at all and agreed it made zero sense. They hurt me to the core and also confused me.

The first text was longer. It start off with him saying thanks for grabbing the last 2 boxes and he said he was sorry for everything I went through between us and otherwise. He said he hoped my new job was good and was sorry the other one ended up not being good. Then it got WEIRD. He said he did forgive me and it wasn't me. He said he really appreciated me getting everything out on the 23rd. Then he said "I'm sorry for everything I have moved on emotionally I'm very sorry can't talk to you". Then he said sorry again for everything and he wished me the best. He then said "Please don't contact me I can't do it it's really hard". Then he said I was an intelligent and strong woman and would be fine. He said to tell my family he was sorry too because he never meant to hurt me, himself, my family or his family and that this was emotionally extremely taxing.

He sent another text then directly after that said "I have moved on please don't contact me.". I was very hurt and confused. That initial message was so bounced around. If he claims he moved on emotionally, why did he say don't contact me and that he can't do it because it's too hard? Why would he apologize SO much? Why would he say everything he did the night we broke up... then do that and claim he moved on? Why would it be emotionally taxing if he moved on?

I did not comment though. I did cry. I did talk to friends/family (mine and his), but I didn't say a word to him. There has been total silence ever since. It is very painful.

All I want is for him to come back. I know we could definitely make it with a second chance. We could implement the fair fighting rules to prevent saying unkind things in the heat of the moment. We could forgive and forget about the past and simply focus on rebuilding a new, healthy relationship. We could completely start fresh. Basically date each other all over again and rebuild everything in a positive manner. This would not be about "saving" the old relationship. This would be about rebuilding a new, better one together.

But after those texts I got on the 28th, I am really scared I've lost him forever. Friends and family who I have shared this with do not believe it at all. They said for him to send that kind of text on the 1 week anniversary of our official break up makes no sense. Especially when I had not talked to him. They said no one moves on from a loving, year and a half long relationship after just a week or even a month.

Others are suspicious. They are suspecting he may be trying to get a reaction out of me. They think he may have done it on purpose to try to make me angry or jealous. They think he just said that to test how I would react. They suspect he is bluffing. They think he was just lying and BS'ing to see what I'd do. They think he is lying about "moving on".

His own best friend (our mutual friend) is still talking to me almost daily and he also does not understand. He apparently had not heard anything about my ex "moving on" because when I forwarded him the messages, he was shocked and said he didn't know what to say. He did tell me he was really sorry for all this and that he was sorry it was going this way for us. He also told me NOT to feel like I messed anything up by texting my ex the times I did. He said he knew my ex understood. He said right now, he felt my ex just needed time and said I should absolutely do no contact and see what happens. I did believe that because my ex himself did tell me he understood and forgave me as far as the text and initial post-break up emotions go. His best friend is also rooting for us to get back together.

I did not answer him at all on the 28th, as painful as it was. I wanted to so bad. I wanted to text and ask how he could possibly replace me so quick when he supposedly loved me so much. I wanted to ask what this "new chick" had that I didn't. I wanted to ask how and why he could possibly choose HER or anyone else over ME when he was supposed to love me and always said he just wanted me. I wanted to call him out on things. I wanted to ask why he essentially lied by saying he wouldn't be dating. I wanted to ask why he lied and said he would never break up with me. I wanted to ask why he is doing all this. I wanted to say all kinds of things.

Despite my hurt and rage, I knew if I did any of that, it would only hurt my situation, not help it. So I held back. I did not reply to him at all.

I want to believe the people I've spoke to. I want to believe that he doesn't have a new girl (even just a rebound). I want to believe that he does love me and that he is indeed just trying to get a reaction from me or is just bluffing/lying because he's hurting. It kills me to think of him with another girl. Especially so soon.

I just really want us to restart and get back together. His mom and my mom both strongly feel that something is going on and he is just pushing me away because he's afraid or something. They think he is playing games and seeking attention/a reaction. They said things are too conflicting to make sense. They feel strongly that he will come back to me.

I just don't know. I have gotten so many confusing, conflicting messages. I just really want input. Do I still have a chance at getting him back and rebuilding a new relationship with him? Will he ever be mine again? He was the best guy I had ever dated. My family agreed. His family said I was the best girl he had dated. His mom told him he was making a BIG mistake by leaving me and he'd regret this.

I have never loved someone like I love him, so that is why this has been so hard for me. I otherwise handle things well. If something isn't working out, I let it go and move on. I can't just simply do that and move on from him. He is my best friend and my entire world. He would always tell me I was his world too.

All of this is very hurtful and confusing. It feels like he is very confused and emotionally messed up/conflicted. I am trying to find a way to bring him back to me. I think seeing each other would help rekindle feelings... BUT he is refusing to even talk to me. How could I possibly see him even by accident? How can I get him to WANT to talk things over? How can I get him to leave the past behind, forgive and forget and restart a new relationship with me?

Thank you for your time and I apologize for the length. I wanted to be sure to explain EVERYTHING clearly to get the best input possible so I can hopefully resolve this and get a new start with my ex.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Mystic said:

 He would call me his future wifey.. My ex was a former addict and former alcoholic who had been clean for a couple years when we got together.

You dodged a bullet. So many red flags from fake future talk to moving in too soon to his drinking/drug history and shady characters he still hangs around.

 Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He is bad news.

 All you can do is reflect why you got involved with someone this creepy and shady and screen for red flags and deal breakers much sooner.

[Batya33]

It all distills to this.  He does not want to be in a serious, committed relationship with you.  If he does in the future he knows how to contact you.  If at that time you are interested and available maybe it's worth discussing, especially if he is sober, especially if there is an explanation for his decision to end things that makes sense to you and to him and is something you can move on from. 

It doesn't matter what his mom says or your friends thought of you as a couple, or what his new hairbrush looks like or whether he bought that for someone he is dating or wants to date.  What he said and did in the past do not matter.  He doesn't want to be with you and I know that's really hard but going in circles and trying to play at being a therapist who can analyze "why" or trying to investigate all the possible reasons... who knows. 

Maybe he's using drugs again, maybe his coworker introduced him to a woman he likes better, maybe he realized while hanging out with his coworker he was no longer as into being with you.  He likely cared a great deal for you and was very into you.  Until he wasn't.  I know it's so hard to accept.  I've been there.  But torturing yourself and going over and over "what happened" won't help you heal and you know, you get closure from yourself.  Please stop communicating with him and do not check his social media or try to find out what he's doing or not doing. 

Even if you have to put a sign up on your fridge that says "he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore" - it's really as simple as that.  Despite being hard to accept. I'm sorry.

[Lambert]

Hi @Mystic

I am sorry I didn't read your entire post.  I understand you are feeling like every thing that has happened is very important to the story.  It's only been 10 days since the break up and it's a lot to process. So good for you getting it out. keep posting and journaling.

I'm so sorry.  It hurts and you dont want to hear this but, this can happen you get involved with a recovering addict.

A recovering addict is always in recovery. It can 30 years before a relapse but that can happen. It's a struggle everyday.  Everyday. All the time. And they are in it alone. You can't choose for them. 

As soon as a person in recovery starts acting shady, like they are considering using, its very important they make the right choices. 

He probably is planning on using or has and prefers to be with other addicts. And as soon as he did, it was game over for your relationship.

Addicts do & say anything to get their fix because their brain is wired differently. They have a very important choice to make all the time- get that fix or stay on the clean path.

Only they can choose to not use. He knows he can't hang around with an active addict but he's gotta choose wisely.  It's not because of you. It's not a reflection of you.  But it has to be a deal breaker for you... his hanging with an addiction, treating you poorly (jerking you around, creating drama etc) getting that 2nd phone

I think the only thing you can do is be strong for yourself. Don't play dumb. 

Even if he weren't an addict, you cannot get anyone back that doesn't want to get back. Sure sometimes an ex will use us and they're not being fair and it will hurt you more in the long run. 

The most important thing in life is to learn to let go of attachments with grace. Let people do what they're going to do and you use their choices to decide for YOURSELF if  they are worthy of a spot in your life.

Right now it doesn't sound like he is.  Focus on you. Lean on your friends and family... you'll get through this. 

[Jibralta]

@Mystic Your post is one of the longest posts I've ever seen. It's literally a 5,000 word essay. If you put 1/10 the amount of time into leaving this relationship as you do into keeping track of it, you will be free in no time. 

[boltnrun]

I only skimmed because that post was way too long and is repetitive.  But one thing I can almost guarantee is he's using again.  That's why he picked fights on the weekends, so he could go make his purchase and spend the weekend using.

I highly recommend you stop involving his family and friends in this breakup.  It doesn't matter if his parents love you, you have to leave them out of it.

Lean on YOUR family and friends, not his.  And you have to stop contacting him or you will never feel better.

I know it's hard to see right now, but he is in no shape to be in a relationship. After some time away the fog will clear and you will see he is not at all the right man for you.

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry you're hurting, and my heart goes out to you, Mystic.

Your post reads of someone picking through every detail to discover a magic clue as to what you could have done differently in order to keep this man happy with you.

Such is the case with most people who have loved an addict or alcoholic who has abandoned them in favor or readopting their drug of choice.

This was nothing you could have fixed, because it wasn't about you. The call of the rabbit hole was too much for this guy to resist, and he intended to take that dive without you as his audience.

He's saying the hurtful things to you in order to force you forward, as he knows better than to keep you tied to him given where he is going.

While, unfortunately, there is nothing you can say or do to entice an addict back to sobriety, as he'll need to fall to his own bottom in order to seek help voluntarily--help which must come from professionals and peer addicts, not you--there are the same kinds of help available for YOU.

Consider attending Ala-non or Nar-anon meetings, at least 3 times before deciding whether or not they are helpful, and preferably at different locations to learn how differently the groups each operate. (For instance, some are more spiritually focused, while others are more practically focused.) These are people with firsthand experience in loving someone who is ruining their relationship because of drugs or drinking. Their mission is to educate and support you as you navigate your own healing.

Please feel free to write more if it helps.

 

[Kwothe28]

I will try to offer alternative solution. (Yes, I did read the whole thing lol)

People who consider to leave long relationships, they do it in a span of few months. So by the time they officially decide to leave, they are already at the door. There is no going back from that. By the time they leave, they have indeed moved on from you. Because its not a new thing, unlike you, he probably planned to leave for months. So now he has indeed moved on in almost full capacity. I am sorry, but the side who leaves, that is the side that has already decided you are not for each other. So all his words, they are actually consistant with that. He acts cold, because he already decided you are not the one.

Why? Who knows? May be a variety of reasons, most I can see is constant arguments to the point you bought him book about arguments. So he decided its time for a break up. and just did it. That is why you are not at the same stages. He accepted that long time ago, even before he left. You are still in denial stage. Allow yourself to grief. Even be angry at him for his decision. But there is no coming back. He told you a few phrases like "If fate wants us together we will be" or something in that undertone, but that is BS. He offered enough comfort for you to leave thinking you still have a shot. I am sorry but its not gona happen. Those are just phrases people say during break up. He moved on, so should you. In time.

Also, dunno about addiction, addicts, you can catch them by behavior. Maybe you just didnt noticed and that is fine, you maybe dont know the signs. But his behavior, going on weekends then coming back, second cell phone, that more points on infidelity. Would also be consistant with him moving on easier. Sorry in any case. 

[boltnrun]

My ex would disappear randomly then reappear.  He is also an addict.   He too said things like I am too good for him, he just wasn't feeling being in the relationship, etc.  Turns out he was using and broke up with me because he didn't want me to be involved in something like that AND because being in a relationship with me interfered with his freedom to use.  He got tired of trying to hide it from me.

That's why the behaviors are familiar to me, because I've been through it.

[Tinydance]

I'm really sorry you are hurting and it is very obvious from your post that you really love this guy. You seem to still have hope that you'd get back together and I guess that's normal when you love someone. I think the best thing you can do though is block him on everything and actually start trying to move on.

It really doesn't seem like he loves you anymore or wants to be with you. He probably just made comments like: "If we're meant to be together, we will be" because that gives him the option to keep you as a back up or friend with benefits if he doesn't find anyone else. I've seen a lot of people post on this forum where someone broke up with them and said something like that too. It's common for the dumper to say that sometimes just to ease their own guilt or keep their ex as a back up option. 

The thing is, you don't deserve to just be a back up and be with someone who's not sure about you. You deserve a guy who's 100% sure and you're his number one. Do you really want a boyfriend who leaves you every single weekend? It caused you so much fear, anxiety and hurt. It's not normal for your partner to leave you on a regular basis. That wouldn't happen in a healthy relationship. 

It's hard to say why your ex's feelings changed. Maybe he did begin using again or maybe he just lost feelings for you. I don't think you really need to know the reason because as he told you, you did nothing wrong. If he's choosing drugs over you then he still made that choice and this is what he wants.

[Jibralta]

6 hours ago, Mystic said:

The new friend was a former addict and current alcoholic. My ex was a former addict and formee alcoholic who had been clean for a couple years when we got together.

Your ex knew that he was heading into trouble by hanging out with an alcoholic. Anyone who has been through an addiction recovery process knows that alcoholism is just another form of addiction, and they also know that hanging out with users is going to compromise their recovery.

6 hours ago, Mystic said:

He .... told me he didn't deserve me

 

Listen to him. Always listen to people when they say things like this about themselves. His behavior with the multiple phones is very creepy. It reeks of something bad. Also, the cycle of disappearances and apologies is bad. I don't know what is going on. But I feel sure that it is something that you wouldn't want to be a part of if you weren't so heart broken. You should take all of these observations that you've been making and use them to convince yourself that this ending is for the best. 

 

[SooSad33]

12 hours ago, Mystic said:

I wanted to try to convince him right then to just stay and work things out. But I feel that was very likely the opposite I needed to be doing. It probably scared him and pushed him away. He needed space and time... not to be pushed and have me begging him to utilize the books.

I feel it had nothing to do with the books, but his foot was already out the door 😕 .

12 hours ago, Mystic said:

He stayed through some tough times last year. He promised me he would never leave or break up with me. We promised each other the only time we would separate would be in the case one of us cheated or there was domestic violence. Of course that never applied. We agreed we'd always work things out. He told me he'd be by my side through good and bad times, no matter how rough things got.

I do not like the word 'promise'.

As for all HE said, means nothing in the end, does it?  In the beginning it's often so great!  But, sounds like, in time things didn't feel right enough for him and nothing you can do about that.

 

12 hours ago, Mystic said:

All I want is for him to come back. I know we could definitely make it with a second chance. We could implement the fair fighting rules to prevent saying unkind things in the heat of the moment. We could forgive and forget about the past and simply focus on rebuilding a new, healthy relationship. We could completely start fresh. Basically date each other all over again and rebuild everything in a positive manner. This would not be about "saving" the old relationship. This would be about rebuilding a new, better one together.

No, sadly, I say you can't do this.  This is basically YOUR hopes.  But we cannot 'make someone love us'.

YOU are still stuck on the fight issue's.  But every couple argues.  So was more than this.  ( I feel it's just that he fell out of love.  Yes, he care's but the 'being in love', which is necessary wasn't there).

 

I do suggest you now ease off on all you choose to share with HIS mom /family/friends.  Is not really your end anymore.

And no matter what he's been saying, you need to back away from ALL of it now!  If he's choosing to say he's moved on, so what.. right - no response.

 

 

12 hours ago, Mystic said:

All of this is very hurtful and confusing. It feels like he is very confused and emotionally messed up/conflicted. I am trying to find a way to bring him back to me. I think seeing each other would help rekindle feelings... BUT he is refusing to even talk to me. How could I possibly see him even by accident? How can I get him to WANT to talk things over? How can I get him to leave the past behind, forgive and forget and restart a new relationship with me?

Thank you for your time and I apologize for the length. I wanted to be sure to explain EVERYTHING clearly to get the best input possible so I can hopefully resolve this and get a new start with my ex.

Yes, it does hurt.. But there is NOTHING you can do anymore.  No ways to bring him back. ( No seeing each other will not help this .

I am sorry, but you can't do anything more now- except work on accepting what is. ( not try be hopeful on resolving things and start anew).

 

Now, YOU need to move on.  You need to have no more to do with this guy.  So, no begging/chasing/following and No Contact.

Yes, it's all fresh & it stings...  He is a 30 yr old man and you two were together 1.5 years.  It did go deep, from the sounds of it, but he has acted out and admitted his feelings are not there, so you need to work on accepting this now.

So, remain at a distance, keep with the support of your family/friends.  Journaling helps as well . Another way to 'get it out', but don't send .

 

One day at a time... take care of YOU now.

Expect no more... and remember. >  You were okay before him, you will be okay after him.  ( this always helped me along).

[Mystic]

14 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My ex would disappear randomly then reappear.  He is also an addict.   He too said things like I am too good for him, he just wasn't feeling being in the relationship, etc.  Turns out he was using and broke up with me because he didn't want me to be involved in something like that AND because being in a relationship with me interfered with his freedom to use.  He got tired of trying to hide it from me.

That's why the behaviors are familiar to me, because I've been through it.

It makes sense I suppose. Oddly enough, he texted my mom yesterday and said happy new year. He included a usual exclamation point and everything (he would usually include an exclamation point when texting a family member of ours something like that). So if he moved on and wanted nothing to do with me, why would he say anything to my mom? Why would he have texted my dad back on Christmas? If he had moved on, he shouldn't be texting any of my family members... even if they text first. He should ignore them. He shouldn't even have their numbers if he moved on.

[Mystic]

On 1/2/2022 at 8:12 AM, boltnrun said:

 

<Duplicate>

[Mystic]

On 1/2/2022 at 5:05 AM, Batya33 said:

It all distills to this.  He does not want to be in a serious, committed relationship with you.  If he does in the future he knows how to contact you.  If at that time you are interested and available maybe it's worth discussing, especially if he is sober, especially if there is an explanation for his decision to end things that makes sense to you and to him and is something you can move on from. 

It doesn't matter what his mom says or your friends thought of you as a couple, or what his new hairbrush looks like or whether he bought that for someone he is dating or wants to date.  What he said and did in the past do not matter.  He doesn't want to be with you and I know that's really hard but going in circles and trying to play at being a therapist who can analyze "why" or trying to investigate all the possible reasons... who knows. 

Maybe he's using drugs again, maybe his coworker introduced him to a woman he likes better, maybe he realized while hanging out with his coworker he was no longer as into being with you.  He likely cared a great deal for you and was very into you.  Until he wasn't.  I know it's so hard to accept.  I've been there.  But torturing yourself and going over and over "what happened" won't help you heal and you know, you get closure from yourself.  Please stop communicating with him and do not check his social media or try to find out what he's doing or not doing. 

Even if you have to put a sign up on your fridge that says "he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore" - it's really as simple as that.  Despite being hard to accept. I'm sorry.

I have not said anything at all to him since December 27. I stuck to my word of not contacting him. <>

[Mystic]

On 1/2/2022 at 4:52 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. So many red flags from fake future talk to moving in too soon to his drinking/drug history and shady characters he still hangs around.

 Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. He is bad news.

 All you can do is reflect why you got involved with someone this creepy and shady and screen for red flags and deal

I do know there were red flags. I mean I never expected him to ever start using again or anything. He did ask me what I'd do if he ever started again or ever slipped at one point. I thought it was just talk. Just asking. I have not said anything to him since December 27. <>

[Mystic]

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I feel it had nothing to do with the books, but his foot was already out the door 😕 .

I do not like the word 'promise'.

As for all HE said, means nothing in the end, does it?  In the beginning it's often so great!  But, sounds like, in time things didn't feel right enough for him and nothing you can do about that.

 

No, sadly, I say you can't do this.  This is basically YOUR hopes.  But we cannot 'make someone love us'.

YOU are still stuck on the fight issue's.  But every couple argues.  So was more than this.  ( I feel it's just that he fell out of love.  Yes, he care's but the 'being in love', which is necessary wasn't there).

 

I do suggest you now ease off on all you choose to share with HIS mom /family/friends.  Is not really your end anymore.

And no matter what he's been saying, you need to back away from ALL of it now!  If he's choosing to say he's moved on, so what.. right - no response.

 

 

Yes, it does hurt.. But there is NOTHING you can do anymore.  No ways to bring him back. ( No seeing each other will not help this .

I am sorry, but you can't do anything more now- except work on accepting what is. ( not try be hopeful on resolving things and start anew).

 

Now, YOU need to move on.  You need to have no more to do with this guy.  So, no begging/chasing/following and No Contact.

Yes, it's all fresh & it stings...  He is a 30 yr old man and you two were together 1.5 years.  It did go deep, from the sounds of it, but he has acted out and admitted his feelings are not there, so you need to work on accepting this now.

So, remain at a distance, keep with the support of your family/friends.  Journaling helps as well . Another way to 'get it out', but don't send .

 

One day at a time... take care of YOU now.

Expect no more... and remember. >  You were okay before him, you will be okay after him.  ( this always 

He was acting out for sure. The behavior was not normal for him at all. His family agreed. He was being really off. I have maintained no contact. I have not said anything to him at all since December 27.

He actually texted my mom yesterday (January 1) and said happy new year. He apparently included a usual exclamation point and everything (he would usually include an exclamation point when texting a family member of ours something like that).

So if he moved on and wanted nothing to do with me, why would he say anything to my mom? Why would he have texted my dad back on Christmas Day? If he had moved on, he shouldn't be texting any of my family members... even if they text first. He should ignore them. He shouldn't even have their numbers if he moved on.

[MissCanuck]

18 minutes ago, Mystic said:

If he had moved on, he shouldn't be texting any of my family members... even if they text first. He should ignore them. He shouldn't even have their numbers if he moved on.

You're assuming he thinks the way you do. There is no "should" here, so you can't apply your own perspective to him. He's shown you repeatedly that he is very different from you, and that extends to his conduct here. Try not to convince yourself into thinking that just because he still has their numbers and didn't ignore them means he wants to try again.  Not everyone deletes everything and cuts all ties as soon as they break up, Mystic. And I say that having been the dumper a couple times myself. 

He might feel guilty for hurting you so he reached out to your mom to make himself feel like the bigger person. He might have felt guilty ignoring them (and frankly, I wouldn't have ignored a very recent ex's parents either)  It's hard not to assign meaning to communication from an ex, but I don't think he's doing anything other than trying to settle the dust in his own misguided way.

As for being together again? I think he's been clear that he just doesn't have those feelings anymore, and his behaviour over the last several weeks reflects that. It's hurtful but you can't make someone want to be with you or try again.  The right man for you won't need convincing. He'll be with you all of his own volition and because he wouldn't dream of letting you go. This man is not that guy. 

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Mystic said:

He actually texted my mom yesterday texted my dad back on Christmas Day

Ask your family to be supportive to you and delete and block him. 

You, as well, need to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Try not to  overanalyze all this and assume he wants to get back together based on exclamation points.

Make 2022 the year you free yourself from nonsense and unhappy situations.

[boltnrun]

Putting an exclamation point at the end of a text to your parents doesn't mean he wants to get back together. Sorry, but that's really reaching.

Continue to take care of yourself by not contacting him or any of his friends or family.

[Jibralta]

49 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Putting an exclamation point at the end of a text to your parents doesn't mean he wants to get back together. Sorry, but that's really reaching.

I agree. The more important thing to focus on here is his erratic behavior, unexplained disappearances, likely relapse, and secretive phone use. 

[Batya33]

He moved on from wanting to be in a relationship with you because if he wanted that he would tell you ASAP so as not to lose you to some other guy or in general.  Please avoid reading into "signs".  

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Mystic said:

He was acting out for sure. The behavior was not normal for him at all. His family agreed. He was being really off. I have maintained no contact. I have not said anything to him at all since December 27.

Okay, good, now keep moving ahead.  Every time you feel that urge, fight it!

As for his small communications with your parents, that will stop as well.  He may feel obligated to msg back etc to them... to try & look like a half decent person.. BUT, is he with you?  No.

 

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ask your family to be supportive to you and delete and block him. 

You, as well, need to delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

As Wiseman stated, remove him now.  No need to further any interactions from your side.  The guy was around less than 2 yrs here ( not 20).  Rarely did my ex's ever deal with my parents, especially after we split.  No interaction was necessary.

Yes, this all stings... I know 😕 .

Understand the stages of grief. ( denial, anger, - acceptance etc).  You will go thru all of this for a while.

Like I said, be kind to yourself, feel all the emotions and work at moving on/ letting go.

One day at a time.

[wheninrome75]

Sounds like he is trying to let you down easily, but  enjoying having his ego stroked by your pain. Making it very easy for HIM, and even getting you to feel sorry for him on some level.  He also sounds emotionally immature.  I am sorry you are going through this.  

[Mystic]

15 hours ago, wheninrome75 said:

Sounds like he is trying to let you down easily, but  enjoying having his ego stroked by your pain. Making it very easy for HIM, and even getting you to feel sorry for him on some level.  He also sounds emotionally immature.  I am sorry you are going through this.  

He texted my mom on January 1 and told her happy new year. Then a mutual friend of ours texted me on the 2nd and said that he was sure my ex misses me even though I don't believe that. He also told me to remember everything I've said about forgiveness and accepting my ex back in case something happens down the road. I don't know why he would have said that. It almost felt like maybe my ex had been talking about me to him or something. And I have no idea why my ex would text my mom.