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I think I was assulted- rant/support query


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Hello everyone,

Happy new year.

Yesterday I hooked up with a guy who worked at the bar. I went to his place and noticed he became cold and distanced when we left the bar (unlike at the bar when he was more sweet and affectionate). My gut feeling suddenly warned me. Something didn't sit right. But, I thought there no real risk...

We had rough quick sex whereby I told him several times that I'm not into rough sex and to keep it easy. He didn't.

He ruptured a blood vessel on my neck as he was holding me by the neck. He was aggressive and held me aggressively into different positions. Luckily, it ended quickly (10 minutes) and he left his apartment as I was in the bathroom and saw the bruise. I did inform him to stop doing a couple of things, and he kept saying yea yea and kept going. I think I froze in shock :(((

Today I wake up  with 3 other blue bruises on my chest and my eye is red.  I know it's not my fault and this says something about the guy (d*bag). I don't want to call the police. But, I'm sad. I know this is the ultimate lesson to always trust my gut and have firmer boundaries. I was in a vulnérable position nonetheless and I understand I didn't back out thus as easily. He was very strong physically as well.

I... I guess I'm looking for support/advice. I don't know someone I could confide into. I messaged my therapist though.

I'm sad and in shock. I unblocked and messaged the guy an angry message telling him to go f* himself and that he's lucky I'm not contacting the police. I'm considering informing the bar manager and taking pics/documenting the bruised.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Sorry to hear this happened to you. Yes, what this guy done was sexual assault. You did not consent to rough sex. Please seek support from a rape crisis centre for extra support. 

In regards to your comment 'he might hurt other women' well that's his responsibility not yours. He is the one responsible for his actions. You did nothing wrong. 

I would certainly take pics of the bruises and keep all clothing from that night. A rape crisis centre should be able to guide you on what is best to do.

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Sorry to hear that Choco

Also, yes, informing bar manager is useless. Police. Even the doctor check-up to determine bruises and the range of assault(dunno if police does that or you have too). Bar wont do anything, nore stop him if he tries to do that to somebody else. Just police. I am sorry that you have to go through that. 

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2 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm sad and in shock. I unblocked and messaged the guy an angry message telling him to go f* himself and that he's lucky I'm not contacting the police. I'm considering informing the bar manager and taking pics/documenting the bruised.

Sorry to hear this happened to you. Go to an ER and get checked out . Be frank about what happened to you. Let them document your injuries and do a rape kit and STD testing. Personal photos are useless. You need professional ER staff photo documentation.

You don't have to call the police. You need documentation, so if you decide to press charges, when you are out of shock, you will have evidence. Otherwise merely calling the police is pointless.

 Do not discuss this this with his workplace. Do not contact him or any of his people. Do not post anything on social media.

Do not promise to not press charges. First get evaluated for neck and other trauma. Then make an informed decision on how to proceed with the help of ER rape/assault staff specialists.

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At the point you said no whatever he did after to you physically to me would be like assault.  I don't think this has to do with gut feeling.  Every time you go to a man's home who you don't know well and the intent is to have casual sex or hook up, you take the risk that this person you don't know might harm you in his own home.  So if I were you the boundaries should be not to go to a near-stranger's home (I know, a co-worker but for sexual purposes a stranger and you had not visited his home before -also was there alcohol involved?). 

No one should assault you.  The problem is that part of it was consented to and part of it wasn't in the context of you going to his home willingly and ready to be sexual.  I mean sure you can discuss boundaries in advance, too and see what the reaction is but that could come across as telling the person you don't trust him not to assault you.  It's less of gut feeling and more of "don't touch a hot stove".  Can't you hook up with people you know well to lessen the risk of being in such a vulnerable position?

You can go to the police of course. Just to get it on record, etc.  Nice of you to want to protect other women!

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Please go to the ER and have the assault documented and reported. For your own mental health and physical health please contact your primary care provider and a rape crisis line . 

I am sorry as a rape survivor as a child and an adult I am sorry you went through this. 

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9 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@MissCanuck fire him? 😕 Gosh, that's why I'm seeking advice. I'm not feeling like I'm in the right headspace. I won't tell the manager then.

They likely can't fire him without substantiated just cause, OP. A report from a patron would probably not be enough, as I am sure he would find a way to paint himself the victim. 

This is why telling the bar manager without filing a formal police report is probably only going to create more problems for you. I would not be against reporting him to his employer, but you would be wise to consult an attorney first before doing something that could land you in trouble (ie. an accusation of slander, even though you are telling the truth) if you don't have your ducks in a row first. 

 

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Posted (edited)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreciate it. I will follow through it.

@Batya33 yup. I took a risk. I feel sad and in shock. This haven't happened to me before. But, I have learned. And I know he took advantage and got ***ty with his sick behaviour. What an a*. He's really a sick guy.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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15 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Thank you everyone for your advice. I appreciate it. I will follow through it. He's really a sick guy.

Yes he's a sicko.

It's important to not feel guilty or ashamed of one night stands or rough sex. That's all ok. People do it all the time.

What's not ok is when you say 'no' and it continues to escalate.

Especially with neck injuries, go to an ER promptly. It's ok to tell ER staff about the encounter, everything is nonjudgmental and confidential. You'll get expert advice and referrals to resources.

Don't take matters into your own hands. He seems like a loose canon. Furthermore it won't bring you the medical help, resources or justice you need to move forward.

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I'm so sorry this happened. 

I agree with the others... go to the ER or at least call your doctor. Contact a crisis center and document all the bruising.

I'm so proud of you for calling your therapist and for surviving this assault.

I don't think there is anything the manager can do.  If you really feel like you want to do something to help others, consider talking to the police. 

Maybe ask your therapist or the crisis center about options. 

You can and will get thru this.  ❤

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@Wiseman2 thank you for your kind words. I know everyone does it. I've done it before, but not with this... This guy was really acting handsome and cute, you wouldn't tell he would do the things he's done to me.

I'm now crying in the floor and thinking I really fell on the wrong guy in what was an emotional night for me (new year, recalling having left my ex and succeeded on my own, becoming slowly more assertive and working on myself). I said no several times, but I was in a vulnerable position. He knew that. He also flipped from being flirty and sweet to being cold in minutes. He's a sick sick guy. I hope no other women fall for his fake nauseating act.

Such a tough lesson.

@Lambert thank you. I know I will. This last year showed me my soul can always find strength to overcome anything. This too shall pass.

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@Jibralta I think he's a ***ty sick player who does this to all women. And... I'm too tired to go to the police. I have spent a ton of money and time and energy to file a restraining order against my ex (money because I live in a foreign country and always need a lawyer or translator to be with me to communicate with the police). I just can't do this this time. I'm out of breath.

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2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I think he's a ***ty sick player who does this to all women. And... I'm too tired to go to the police. I have spent a ton of money and time and energy to file a restraining order against my ex (money because I live in a foreign country and always need a lawyer or translator to be with me to communicate with the police). I just can't do this this time. I'm out of breath.

All your manager can do is spread a rumor. If you go that route, prepare to be caught up in the rumor mill. 

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1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Jibralta I think he's a ***ty sick player who does this to all women. And... I'm too tired to go to the police. I have spent a ton of money and time and energy to file a restraining order against my ex (money because I live in a foreign country and always need a lawyer or translator to be with me to communicate with the police). I just can't do this this time. I'm out of breath.

Please think about the next woman who might not be as lucky as you are.  It won't cost you a penny to report him to the police, AFTER you go to the ER and get treated and document your injuries.  And please ask for follow up care so you can have emotional support as well.

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6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I know it's not my fault

Actually a huge part of it is your fault.

You're not being responsible at all. You're not taking any kind of responsibility for your safety and you're taking major risks.

You aren't being careful on who you trust and where you go, or what you do.

You got into this position with a stranger, who attacked you...because YOU made very bad choices.

It's like sticking your hand into a lions cage, getting bitten and then saying it's not your fault.

And you're lucky that you're still alive. Many women have been raped and murdered.

If you're not going to be accountable for your own body and your own safety, no one can help you.

I know I might sound harsh, but in this day and age, women need to be far more careful, not be bed hopping with strangers, and need to be accountable for their own actions!!

We know there's predators out there. If we're not going to protect ourselves and be smart about our choices, then you are putting YOURSELF at risk.

And you know what? I would rather run the risk of someone getting angry at what I said and being shamed enough to not go home with a stranger again and staying alive, then to say nothing, or baby you, and you end up choked or beaten to death on someone's floor a few months from now.

Look after yourself!! Stop making horrible choices! Buy a vibrator, ease off on drinking so much, stick with a girlfriend at all times when out. 

Save your own life.

Edited by SherrySher
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