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Need to breakup but don't know how to live alone


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Im 20 years old and maybe two months after my 18th birthday my current boyfriend who is almost 23 moved into my home.

I live in a fairly large trailer with a large room built onto the side, im on a farm between my parents and grandparents house.

I didn't know my boyfriend at all when we moved in and i never really felt fully committed i guess, i was just floating along in our relationship. My boyfriend has a lifelong habit of lying and i caught him lying to me again, about stuff that makes no sense to lie about. 

I share all money and possessions with my boyfriend. 
Im not gonna lie about this next part and go ahead and judge me because i deserve it.
I have had serious mental health issues for a long time and during the time i was dating him i made things 100x worse by dropping acid and have had like aftershock hallucinations for over a year now. 
I was never good at taking care of my environment due to depression and being stuck to a corner of the room rocking and crying everyday makes it hard to learn how to take care of yourself as an adult. My family didn't prepare me in any way and expect me to just figure it out, which yeah i guess i should. Anyway i have without realizing it become just completely dependant on him. 
Im doing better now, little steps and determination to do better.
I haven't been cooking for myself
I haven't been cleaning
I don't know how pretty much anything works
I haven't taken care of my medication
I don't know how insurance or taxes or other things you need as an adult work
I never had a job, i worked on my parents farm but never made any money.
I feel like a big baby, i feel helpless and ashamed that i let myself become this kind of person.

Leaving this relationship is hard and i don't know what to do with anything in my life. I don't know how to split our stuff either, and i know my boyfriend has no where to go once we break up. His friends all live far away and his family doesn't want him in their house. 
Im guilty about putting him out in winter, its almost his birthday, he is diabetic and has no legal job, he barely scrapes together $100 every month. He has no where to put his things and with no money i feel he might be forced to sell his stuff which i feel really guilty about, he also suffers from mental health issues and i know breaking up will really hurt him in a lot of ways. ***.

I know i want to go, i feel that without the pressure of having to take care of myself i will never get off this farm, isolated from everyone except my family, which i love and am very thankful for them helping me when i was a young teenager, but other than my little siblings they are racist and don't fully understand or respect lgbt people, they are vaccine conspiracy nuts. My grandpa is also hard to be around. He did so much for me but he is creepy, always sexual toward every woman he sees, and its always really subtle but he makes comments about me too. I love my family, my little siblings will be hard to leave but i want so badly to move away and try and start my life again with the few people i have known for years. 
Its so scary. Everything changing. I feel guilty and even though i know so much of me wants to go i can't bring myself to end things officially. Its so easy to pretend its okay.

Sorry for the rambling and the long post.

Any advice? 

Edited by JordanRayne
I forgot to put a number and it made my post make less sense
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Contact social services. Get help with food stamps, housing, medical and mental health care, employment assistance, career training.

A caseworker from social services can steer you toward appropriate mental health care. 

Your BF as well can apply and get assistance with housing and healthcare.

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The isolation alone must be frustrating. Find work and wean off the acid/drugs. If it means a break up somewhere between now and finding your better self, then so be it. 

I hope you leave if you want to leave. Don’t stay there if all it’s doing is keeping you smothered and broken down. Keep us updated. 

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50 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

The isolation alone must be frustrating. Find work and wean off the acid/drugs. If it means a break up somewhere between now and finding your better self, then so be it. 

I hope you leave if you want to leave. Don’t stay there if all it’s doing is keeping you smothered and broken down. Keep us updated. 

The only drugs i have taken in over a year is weed, i just had an unusual reaction to the acid and it kept effecting me for a long time. Im lucky in that i only experience brief hallucinations now. 

Im planning on finding work as soon as i can. I will update.

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2 hours ago, JordanRayne said:

The only drugs i have taken in over a year is weed, i just had an unusual reaction to the acid and it kept effecting me for a long time. Im lucky in that i only experience brief hallucinations now. 

Im planning on finding work as soon as i can. I will update.

I would look to community/city/state resources -there often are job programs and other programs that might be suitable for you.  Good luck!

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Instead of overwhelming yourself, list your goals in order of priority. You don't have to accomplish everything at once. The first priority should be your health, so work on that first.

It's okay to be a caring person, but not to your own detriment. Your bf is a grown man. If he can't live independently, that's his problem that he's created. He'll be upset with the breakup? People get broken up with regularly. It's part of life. You shouldn't be a sacrificial lamb and live an unhappy life because you refuse to breakup with someone you don't want to be with. If he has to live in a shelter until he straightens out his life, so be it. When you don't enable a person, believe me, he will find a way to make more money, or take advantage of another unsuspecting naive woman and schmooze his way into shacking up with her.

You should give him a time period to move out. Enlist the help of someone in your family you can count on to be able to help in this matter.

Once he's gone, don't expect your life to change overnight. Be realistic of how long it will take for you to achieve the life you want. Setting small goals for yourself, and achieving them, will give you the confidence to take on bigger things. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Simple go live with family and call social services to help you get into a program that helps adults with mental illness to live independently, life skills and get employment  You might be able to get government subsidies to help with room and board. 

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Use the Internet to research helping services, such as a local women's shelter, and contact them for an appointment with a counselor, AND, ask for a referral to a county case worker from your local hospital or your doctor.

These are professionally trained people you can ask to help you get started on a path to independence, and they can also help you to safely remove the BF from your home, as they may help him, as well.

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