Jump to content

Unexpected Post Birth Issues


Tony_Soprano
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hello all,

My partner and I welcomed our first child in August and we are madly in love with him. All is well in terms of his health and development; I think we're doing well as first-time parents. I felt prepared for parenthood but nothing could prepare me for these two issues:

  1. Partner envious I get to live a somewhat normal life. While she stays home all day (during a lockdown, no less) I get to "be normal" and go to work, see people, do grocery runs for the family etc. I never expected someone to be jealous of me for being able to go to work haha. She says if we have another, she'll go to work and I can take a paternity leave. Sure, I'm all about equality and she's the breadwinner anyway!
  2. Lack of libido. We've "had fun" maybe 2-3 times since August, including sex once. I'm not pushy as I realize she doesn't feel her sexiest post c-section, barely showering, sleep deprived, etc. However, I feel a bit, uhm, neglected and it's starting to hit my confidence. Last night I just gave a look and she said "no!" and sometimes my hand grazes her and she slaps it away.

Can anyone on either side of these issues speak to them? Give me some pointers from experience on how to be more supportive and take things less personally?

Cheers and happy new year, eNA!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could she have post partum depression? Has she seen her doctor? The first year of parenthood is very difficult physically and emotionally and mentally and requires a lot of energy. However, no interest in herself could be postpartum depression which is very common and treatable . 

Edited by Seraphim
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did she want to be the full time stay at home parent or did that become a practical thing because of covid? Why does she stay at home all day -can't she take the baby out in the carriage or baby carrier and take long walks? I realize things are limited with covid.  I was home the first 7 years (mostly loved it) and I followed my friend's advice to make sure to leave the house daily.  

Agree about PPD evaluation -great point, Seraphim.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't believe it's PPD as I've flat out asked her, she's very self-aware and she's been doing home workouts when she can while he naps. A key point I should've mentioned is we live in the Canadian Arctic where it's -40°C or colder and we're in the midst of 24 hours of darkness; the sun doesn't rise from November 30–January 12. 

I celebrate the little victories like when she can walk outside (with him bundled heavily), finishes a yoga class or FaceTimes friends back home. I just wonder if I could be doing more to make her feel like she's appreciated and I still find her attractive? Also, is it normal to have very little sex drive post delivery?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

I don't believe it's PPD as I've flat out asked her, she's very self-aware and she's been doing home workouts when she can while he naps. A key point I should've mentioned is we live in the Canadian Arctic where it's -40°C or colder and we're in the midst of 24 hours of darkness; the sun doesn't rise from November 30–January 12. 

I celebrate the little victories like when she can walk outside (with him bundled heavily), finishes a yoga class or FaceTimes friends back home. I just wonder if I could be doing more to make her feel like she's appreciated and I still find her attractive? Also, is it normal to have very little sex drive post delivery?

Haha I am Canadian I understand, not the arctic though. 
There are a lot of physical changes to the female body when you have a baby. Your body is never never the same again and you have to adjust to a new body image . Each woman navigates this in their own time. Make it clear in words and support that you still find her attractive. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

I just wonder if I could be doing more to make her feel like she's appreciated and I still find her attractive? Also, is it normal to have very little sex drive post delivery?

Yes, do more with the baby than you are even now, do more housework even though you are working hard, maybe would she like to facetime with friends or family? Notice things that need to be done, do them without asking.  Hold the baby so she can eat a meal in peace.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Seraphim it's a different beast up here. The 24 hours of daylight in June-July is nice, but this darkness...man! I'll be more conscious of making her feel desirable and appreciated for doing the heavy lifting with our toddler.

Batya33 I have setup a few NYE FaceTimes for today/tonight and I'll be better in 2022 to take our wee man off her hands. Even if it's just for her to take a ride to the grocery store solo. 

I have to keep reminding myself she probably doesn't feel like herself right now. Hey body went through some changes with delivery and now breastfeeding is another toll, then mix in the mental health component of a lockdown during darkness? That's a tough go for anyone!

Edited by Tony_Soprano
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hear you . I couldn’t take 24 hour darkness, my anxiety is too bad . We would never pass the screening for an isolation post. 
 

Love and support get most women over this difficult period in their lives. It is a distant memory for me now and I only remember my post babies body and body image. ( It has been 24 years since my first baby) 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

OP, here's a little fact for you to take into consideration:  It takes a woman's body a full 18 months to get back to its pre-pregnancy/birth hormonal level.  What she needs right now, more than anything else, is understanding and patience and for you not to expect that she's going to fall into full on sex sessions every few days or every week.  Her body/hormones isn't even remotely ready for that right now. Right now, the key words are:  support, understanding and patience.  Some help with cooking or housework, or laundry etc will go a long way to get the magic back sooner.

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks, Capricorn3, that’s just what I needed to hear. We still flirt and have had some “fun” so I need to remind myself she went through significant changes (physically and physiologically) and to not take things personally. Scrubbed the tub clean and setup some candles, wine and a back rub later for NYE. Needless to say she was grateful for that. 
 

Batya33 full time mom is not her plan. Part of the problem is she’s a busy body and has been working 12-16 hour days in this community pre-pregnancy as a nurse. Now, she’s back here and not working (as a nurse, definitely working as a mom) so she finds herself with some downtime to think more than usual. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

35 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Now, she’s back here and not working (as a nurse, definitely working as a mom) so she finds herself with some downtime to think more than usual. 

God bless her for having "down time" -I felt I had none when I was a full time mom (and yes I had a punishing schedule like hers pre-mommyhood.  Is she the sort who might take up doing some exercise videos or even some exercise while wearing the baby indoors?

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Is there any chance you can take some pat leave and her go back to work sooner? I've known couples who split it like that, and I know for myself I'd go coo coo Bananas in current times in winter up north on full mat leave. So I think she's responding pretty well considering! 

Other than that, maybe just ask her what you can do to make this rough time easier for her? Some people recharge with massages and touch, others I've heard just want a chance to not be touched some time out their day.. Hard when you are full time with a little guy. 

 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

55 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Is there any chance you can take some pat leave and her go back to work sooner? I've known couples who split it like that, and I know for myself I'd go coo coo Bananas in current times in winter up north on full mat leave. So I think she's responding pretty well considering! 

Other than that, maybe just ask her what you can do to make this rough time easier for her? Some people recharge with massages and touch, others I've heard just want a chance to not be touched some time out their day.. Hard when you are full time with a little guy. 

 

I remember by the end of the day when my son was small I was so so so glad not to be touched anymore I could have smacked people if they touched me. Your autonomy even to your own body goes out the window as a mother. As much as I love being a mom that phase was difficult and exacerbated by other issues. It can be overwhelming at times. 

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Seraphim said:

I remember by the end of the day when my son was small I was so so so glad not to be touched anymore I could have smacked people if they touched me. Your autonomy even to your own body goes out the window as a mother. As much as I love being a mom that phase was difficult and exacerbated by other issues. It can be overwhelming at times. 

As an example for the OP so maybe you can get it even more.  I'd been home with my son over 12 hours straight one day.  I believe the weather was bad so mostly inside.  He was a baby - not walking yet.  Husband arrives home 7:30pm (yes you remember the time when it's that long a stretch).  He walks in on the phone with a friend.

  Typically when he got home -it was his turn.  To change the diaper and/or take the baby so I could - breathe or pee or both.  But he wouldn't multitask.  The phone call lasted another 15-20 minutes.  Felt like 15 hours.  He said his friend was depressed and needed to talk.  OK.  I told him - no.  Fine if you want to multitask and listen to your friend in need while you take the baby/change diaper/take over.  Because that's what I did all day every day - I didn't stop to help a friend by phone if I could wash dishes or whatever. 

Absolutely each couple decides -when some dads first come in from work they must have a little time to unwind because work is stressful! - but if the plan is you take over, take over.  Family first.  Depressed friend, or your mom who happened to call during the commute - takes back seat to family/child care responsibilities and five minutes is too long most times. IMO.

And I am a person who loved being a full time mom despite all the struggles and challenges but loving it and loving seeing your partner walk through the door after 12 hours straight can coexist. No I didn't want a massage or to soak in the bath or some MLM essential oils or  candles.  I simply wanted space without being on high or nearly high alert.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 1/2/2022 at 10:30 AM, Batya33 said:

Is she the sort who might take up doing some exercise videos or even some exercise while wearing the baby indoors?

Yes, over the holidays we incorporated some light yoga in our tiny apartment while he naps and she downloaded another fitness routine. So far so good!

On 1/2/2022 at 9:45 PM, itsallgrand said:

Is there any chance you can take some pat leave and her go back to work sooner? 

Other than that, maybe just ask her what you can do to make this rough time easier for her? 

I can, but it's only 5 weeks at something like 55% (whereas she gets topped up to like 97%) of my wages. I may do it before the year is out or she may "head south" to wrap up her mat leave. I do try to make her breastfeeding sessions as comfortable as possible – "can I get you this?" "can I bring you that?" type stuff – and take baby from her at any point I can so she's 'hands-free'

On 1/3/2022 at 5:47 AM, Batya33 said:

As an example for the OP so maybe you can get it even more.  I'd been home with my son over 12 hours straight one day.  I believe the weather was bad so mostly inside.  He was a baby - not walking yet.  Husband arrives home 7:30pm (yes you remember the time when it's that long a stretch).  He walks in on the phone with a friend.

I am cognizant of being present, even going home on my 1-hour lunch break so she can shower or do whatever she likes. When I'm with our wee one, I am engaged—not just half-assed scrolling my phone while one-handed holding him. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, Tony_Soprano said:

Very true, Seraphim, she's even said her body doesn't feel like hers anymore—it belongs to our son now!

That is the thing her body and mind belongs to someone else. Her mind will forever be on her child. There is not an hour that goes by since my son was born 24 years ago that I don’t think of him in some capacity. My body is my own again but for many many many years due to my son’s disability I was his comfort in life. Now that is just an emotional requirement. But this is a life long devotion and it takes time. You are both early days yet. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • How To Make A Woman Want You Sexually (Guide To Building Her Interest And Sexual Attraction)
      Learn how to make a woman want you sexually! In today's video we're talking about sexual attraction and how you make a woman want you! We're going to be discussing some useful tips you can put to work to get a woman interested in you and building that sexual desire. Often men think they know exactly what women want, men in sports cars with big houses a big wallet and a bad boy attitude. This might be what the ladies want in movies but not in real life it's very different. To know what a lady wants you need to understand what you need to do to make her want you sexually. Imagine if you knew the secret formula to do this, the one that tells you exactly what women want sexually. The formula would let you know exactly what you need to do to get a woman to fall into your arms, sounds too good to be true right? Well it's not! It's as easy as being mindful of your own behaviour and adopting steel-proof boundaries. Want to know some more? Well don't move an inch.

       
      • 0 replies
    • How to know when he's really fallen in LOVE
      You’re falling in love with your man deeper every day, but you don’t know if he feels the same way for you. It’s natural to want to know his feelings for you. What happens when he doesn’t say it or he’s not the type to say that? His actions tell you he loves you, but you could be wrong, right? So how do you know when he’s really in love with you? It’s not always so easy, but it’s not impossible either!

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Psychological Secrets of Attraction
      Knowing whether or not someone is “into you” can be incredibly difficult if they don’t explicitly say it. In this video, we will be looking at some psychological secrets of attraction.

       
      • 0 replies
    • This Healing Mindset That Helps Overcome Trauma Symptoms
      If you grew up with neglect and abuse, you've needed time to talk about what happened, and how parents and others treated you. But THEN what? Once you've acknowledged the past and gained an understanding of how you developed symptoms of trauma, how can you overcome those symptoms, and move forward with building a happy and fulfilled life? In this video I teach about the two general categories of comments I see on my channel, and what that suggestions about the commenter's readiness to heal.

       
      • 0 replies
    • "I Want A Girlfriend" Do THIS First
      I want a girlfriend. Have you ever found yourself thinking "I want a girlfriend" but you're not quite sure if you're actually ready for one? Before you go about doing anything else it's important to make sure that you actually need a girlfriend right now.

       
        • Like
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...