Fell for my guy friend..

[AloneTO]

Hi all, I was previously on this site, but took a long break to find myself and seek out therapy.

I spent a number of years trying to convince myself that I'm self fulfilled and content with being alone. It had been a difficult road, but I have definitely improved my life from a financial and stability standpoint, along with being happy in my own company.

But therapy taught me to acknowledge my true feelings, and long-held feelings for one of my guy friends that I have been in denial about. I have known him more than 10 years, so although he's a bit shy, we are very comfortable with each other.

I'm 35, so this feels childish, but I've been pulling apart the "he likes me, he likes me not" pedals of the flower, and really don't know if I'm giving myself false hope.

Any outside perspective opinions are welcome!

Positives:

-he makes an effort to see me 

-shows interest in my hobbies and steps out of his comfort zone with me

-is the last one to leave when I have a group of friends over, and we just spend hours talking 

-has been showing increased interest in my family and plans for the future

-acts a bit nervous (plays with his hair, shys away from eye contact, etc.)

-usually interacts with me in group social situations

-has been opening up a lot more about feelings when we are alone

-remembers a lot of small details about me or our conversations 

-puts up with people he's not particularly fond of to join social gatherings where I am 

-I think he once tried to get intimate with me a few years ago when we were on vacation, but we were both really drunk and never acknowledged it again

-he often compliments me or sometimes calls me "babe"

-he goes out of his way to make cute or funny jokes, or playfully teases me

-always offers to drive me home if we're out somewhere and he doesn't see my car outside 

Negatives:

-although he makes an effort to see myself and our friends when he's got time off, there is very little text conversation - I tend to be the one who reaches out more often, and text conversations are pretty short 

-he doesn't participate much or acknowledge stuff I post in group chats

-he has told me that he fears dating in the friend circle as it cost him good friendships in the past (which I respect, but I find it unfair to be potentially painted with the same brush as his ex's)

-while he does not talk about other women, he does mention that he's on dating apps and wants to "find a nice girl" 

Complications:

-I am dying to tell him how I feel, but really fear the possible rejection and change in our friendship 

-he is very shy with women, so even if he is interested, I don't think he would ever make a move.. either that, or he's not interested enough to make a move... 😞

 

[Rose Mosse]

In all that time together neither of you have kissed or shared the way you feel? Why not? 

Is he recently out of a relationship? 

He’s on dating apps. Is he rebounding? He would have asked you out by now or at least made a move if he had feelings for you, sorry to say this. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Are you sure he's straight? Is he attracted to you?

Unfortunately staying in this limbo for 10 years is stifling and frustrating.

If he were interested in a relationship you would know.

He seems more like a teddy bear or security blanket, so you don't have to risk dating or real relationships.

This is a friend, you need to pull way back from this. As long as he's a pseudo-BF, you are missing out on a real relationship.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting available interested single men for a low-key coffee ☕.

[AloneTO]

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

In all that time together neither of you have kissed or shared the way you feel? Why not? 

Is he recently out of a relationship? 

He’s on dating apps. Is he rebounding? He would have asked you out by now or at least made a move if he had feelings for you, sorry to say this. 

Thanks for the reply 🙂

Yes, at all points in time, one of us has always been attached. I also met him and became friends with him and his girlfriend at the same time, so despite them being on the outs, I never would have acknowledged my feelings or pursued anything out of respect for her. 

2 years ago she pulled some very unfair and ugly games in an attempt to trap him into marriage while their relationship was ending, and she tried to drag me into it. In July this year, her and I finally had it out and I cut her off for good.

He and I have always gotten along, been part of the same friend group etc., but since I cut ties with her I think we've gotten a lot closer.

Sorry to ramble lol

[AloneTO]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you sure he's straight? Is he attracted to you?

Unfortunately staying in this limbo for 10 years is stifling and frustrating.

If he were interested in a relationship you would know.

He seems more like a teddy bear or security blanket, so you don't have to risk dating or real relationships.

This is a friend, you need to pull way back from this. As long as he's a pseudo-BF, you are missing out on a real relationship.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting available interested single men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Hey there thanks for the reply 🙂

I should have mentioned this, but at all points in time one of us has been attached, and he was on and off with a girl whom I was also friends with for about 13 years. I am no longer friends with her, they have been broken up for a while, and despite all the years of friendship I feel like all the "positives" above are fairly new.

[Batya33]

Have you asked him out on a date?  I'm typically a fan of letting the man do the asking in the beginning but since you know him for this long what's stopping you from planning a date in advance and asking him - no need to share what your feelings are -asking someone on a date usually makes romantic interest clear.  

As far as fear of rejection -depends on your priorities -if this is or could be your person might totally be worth it.  I do think asking him out -and then he makes an excuse- might feel icky but likely won't destroy the friendship other than he might then feel uncomfortable introducing you to girlfriends. 

I took a rather large risk about 16 years ago as did another person many years ago when it came to opening up that we wanted more than to be back in touch as just friends.  As a result I ended up moving 800 miles and gaining 37 pounds (in baby weight) and having to write lots of thank you notes for wedding gifts. 

By contrast I had a really close male friend I met in 1993.  A couple of years later there was one night where we could have crossed that line -nothing at all happened, nothing was even said - but it was obvious.  We didn't.  He met his future wife shortly after -they've been married 20 years.  I'm glad nothing was said (and he claims he never asked me out when he first met me, but he did, I said no) - and it never affected our friendship.  I balanced the risks/benefits and realized I wasn't that into him and he might be into me.  It's not a black and white issue, I get it.  

I'm also a believer that if a man is interested in dating you he will ask you out on a date.  So if your question is -does he want to date me -I would say probably not but doesn't hurt to ask him.  If your question is is he romantically attracted to you -maybe- could be - but doesn't mean he sees you as relationship material -as a good match for him I mean.  He's been in serious relationships and is possessed of common sense so if he really wanted to date you why would he risk you being snapped up by someone else while he "decided"?

I know of several examples where women -usually women -spent years in this sort of arrangement only to find out later he wasn't that into her/had been seeing someone else the whole time/was into her enough to date briefly but that's all. So I'd ask him out and get your answer and accept that answer.

[Andrina]

I don't see the cons you mentioned as dealbreakers. He's not into texting or social media. So what? It's better than a guy constantly doing that. Sounds like he prefers "in person" stuff.

I think it's usually better to take a risk even if it doesn't pan out versus living inside some safe bubble where you're yearning and guessing and going nowhere.

If one of you gets into a serious relationship, your friendship will change anyway, so no need of fearing change in that area. For the good of your main relationships, your friendship will likely move from one-on-one time to solely group activities. The closeness you have now will fade to a level that's healthy in regards to your maintaining a good relationship with your significant other.

What would I do in your shoes? I'd say: We get along so well. What would you think of us going on a date-date?

And then just listen. If he comes up with any excuse, you will have your answer. And so what if you experience a short period of awkwardness. If he's a true friend, that will pass over time. The alternative is to let an opportunity that could change the course of your life, and hopefully for the better, though there are no guarantees.

I did once work with a woman who had the same situation and she married her friend. They were happily married and had a son. So it can and has happened. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, most of the stuff you described, its something friends do. Even going out of the way for each other. For it to trully be something, well, he would have to really express his interest. That even means texting you and complimenting you outside of hanging out with the group of friends together. It just seems like something that maybe had potential but due to circumstances over time it never developed and it just stayed as it is in infamous "friend zone". Well at least from his side. 

But if you want to try, I always encourage people to just do it. Its never good to just pine over somebody and ask "what if". Who knows? Maybe he is just on defense and doesnt know how you feel about it so hesitant to try. But please do it "around the bush". Maybe throw in a few hints and see if he is open about it. Full confessions never did too well. 

[Coily]

He may not be asking either because he thinks he is in the FreindZone (cue Kenny Loggins), or being shy he's equally afraid of rejection.

I think people read way too much into social media for level of interest, some people are naturally averse to using those platforms; especially to show interest. I have to agree with Kwothe28, don't play the what if game here.