My Jealousy is Ruining My Relationship?

[conejita12]

My boyfriend [36M] and I [25F] have been in a committed relationship with eachother for almost two years. We are pretty adventerous in our sex life together, though I can say that he is far more open minded than I am when it comes to attitudes about certain things. This is causing some issues in our relationsip and I feel like I'm stuck between feeling like it's because of my own jealousy issues, or if I'm justified in my feelings.

 

I have no problem with my boyfriend watching porn. If he asks me for some alone time, I have no problem with it. What I don't partcularly like is when he looks at models or sexual content on his Facebook or Instagram in front of me. He brought it up to me the other day and explained that he would really like to have the type of relationship where we could be sexually open about our online habits and not feel guilty, ashamed or like we need to hide our phone screens when we're around each other. He said he'd like us to have such a relationship where we could actually enjoy looking at these things together, sharing content that we like with each other, etc. He said he'd even potnentially like to reach a point where we're so open with each other that we could even have sexting sessions with other people and share them with each other. He says the appeal is to spice up our sex life and have a deeper connection with each other, and I can appreciate that. I've explained how it does make me uncomfortable, and he states how it's normal to feel attracted to people other than your spouse and my jealousy isn't rational or justified.

 

Despite his good intentions, I can't help but feel jealous and hurt. I'm not sure how to handle these feelings. I'm not sure if this is something that is purely a personal issue with jealousy, or if he is asking too much and being disrespectful to me, whether he realizes it or not. Sometimes I do feel excited to try this out with him, but then I swing back to feeling jealous. I communicate with him when I'm feeling jealous, but he's becoming frustrated with my jealousy issues.

 

TLDR; My boyfriend wants to be able to look at IG models on his phone next to me without me feeling jealous and I know that it's not a threat to our relationship but I can't help but still feel hurt by it and I'm not sure what to do.

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, conejita12 said:

He brought it up to me the other day and explained that he would really like to have the type of relationship where we could be sexually open about our online habits and not feel guilty, ashamed or like we need to hide our phone screens when we're around each other. He said he'd like us to have such a relationship where we could actually enjoy looking at these things together, sharing content that we like with each other, etc. He said he'd even potnentially like to reach a point where we're so open with each other that we could even have sexting sessions with other people and share them with each other. He says the appeal is to spice up our sex life and have a deeper connection with each other, and I can appreciate that. I've explained how it does make me uncomfortable, and he states how it's normal to feel attracted to people other than your spouse and my jealousy isn't rational or justified.

My hubby and I are not jealous people - at all. It doesn't bother me at all if he looks at women. To me, it's normal human behaviour. We all look. We see attractive people and can appreciate beauty etc. No problem. 

Your boyfriend is crossing the line and has no boundaries (imo) if he wants to be sexting other people in front of you and you do the same with other men.  This sounds more like a man who should be single so that he can be free to get it all out of his system before settling down.

All I can advise is this:  If YOU are uncomfortable with any of this, then do NOT, under any circumstances go with it. No matter how much pressure he puts on you, or calls you jealous or irrational etc, do NOT do it.  If he insists and keeps on pressuring you with this, dump the dude.  He can find some other girl who is willing to live with this.

[Lambert]

I think you are being influenced by him to be "the cool girlfriend" and ignore your own feelings. 

This is a big deal. You should not feel pressure to allow something in your relationship that makes you feel bad. 

When you start betraying your own feelings to keep ANYONE in your life, you are with the wrong people.  guys, friends, colleagues, family- whoever.

Stay true to yourself.  Find a  guy you are more compatible with. And someone that respects your feelings and doesn't try to make you feel like you have some kind of issue to overcome. Just because he likes something you don't 

Maybe he's got the issue. don't always blame yourself.  sometimes it takes a while to see what a person really has to offer you.  

don't be afraid to dump the guy. you got one, you'll find another and a better one. 

He could be using this s a way to have you while searching for your replacement. Don't let yourself be treated that way. 

[Rose Mosse]

It’s not working out. I would never second guess myself like this for a sliver of a second or ignore when things feel this uncomfortable and uneasy. 

I agree 100% with the previous comments. Trust your instincts. This may be confusing if you’re deeply attached to this person and painful too but open your eyes wide. Is life really worth living miserably?

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, conejita12 said:

 . He says the appeal is to spice up our sex life and have a deeper connection with each other, 

Despite his good intentions, 

Sorry this is happening. His intentions aren't good, they're selfish.

He's gaslighting you and grooming you for an open relationship. Soon he'll tell you about bringing other women around to "spice things up". 

If he's not cheating now, he will be soon enough. Either behind your back or calling it "open relationship" or poly or whatever.

He's not committed to you. You're wasting your time on him. 

The sooner you leave him, the sooner you'll find someone who respects you.

[poorlittlefish]

Your jealousy is not ruining your relationship, his inappropriate behaviour is.  Let him go find someone who's happy to be in a relationship with someone who wants to act like they're single.  He won't find it easy.

[smackie9]

What he is asking of you is to have an open relationship...eventually he will request swinging, etc. You are not overly jealous. Your reaction is quite normal. Yes there are people who are ok with this sort of stuff but it's pretty obvious you are not. You two are not compatible...end it.

[MissCanuck]

14 hours ago, conejita12 said:

Despite his good intentions

I don't think his intentions are good. 

He is hoping to have sex with someone else, and wants your permission. This is not your "jealousy issue" - the issue is that your boyfriend wants to be non-monogamous and you're monogamous, and he is making you feel guilty for having a perfectly normal reaction to his request.  

This won't work, OP, despite how much you love him. You two are deeply incompatible on one of the most significant levels. 

[Andrina]

Ever hear of guys with normal hobbies like in sports, the arts, etc.? This activity of his would gross me out. Perhaps you haven't had enough dating experience to know this is not normal nor conducive to a healthy relationship. If it were me, I'd throw up, wave bye-bye, and date a guy who doesn't make my gut twist.