Saturday Blues...fighting back the tears.

[moonunit]

a sudden wave of sadness has hit me within the last thirty minutes, i can feel the tears struggling. this is memorial day weekend and i am alone. last year and the year before his family and i spent the lazy weekend bbqing and drinking wine. it was nice. the other thought that has surged into my mind is that although when younger i didn't really care too much about family - my own - i had started to get used to his and enjoyed their company. the thing is...i do have friends here but they are doing their own thing and i guess i just realized that i am alone here. alone in this city. alone in this agony (though i have the support of you guys here which help but still). alone.

 

i've been depressed to the point of loosing 15 pounds in the first two weeks of this, but i thought i was working my way to being better. 2 months later and boom. the tears that never really were there, want to come out. this is different. this is another type of depression. maybe this is 'sadness'.

 

i just don't/can't understand how someone who knew my background and how badly i'd been hurt in the past someone who told me "you don't have to worry, i will never hurt you." and "you don't have to worry, i am not going anywhere. i have been searching for someone i am compatible with for "30" years and im do not intend to look any further. you are it." can suddenly decide that "it" is elsewhere.

 

the person i trusted most in this world, has in turn hurt me the worst.

 

and even though my heart aches for him to be back in my life, my head won't allow it. and so i'm sad. and i hurt. because what was to be, will never be.

 

come june 1st i will erradicate him from my existence and move on.

 

Is the grass really all that greener?

 

If you look over and see that your neighbors grass is greener than yours, you may want to check out how he nurtures it. Your grass can be green too, if you water it, fertilize it, manicure it and take care it.

 

i know this. why doesn't he?

[kungfumaster]

hey moonunit,

 

hang in there - it is going to be alright. i know how you are feeling.

 

i asked the same questions a year ago, and to this day, i still don't know the answers. i still ask myself too why my ex didn't bother to fertilize and manicure our grass - but, i have realized (which you will in time too) that it doesn't matter anymore. we just have to try to move forward... in every way.

 

what you are feeling now is like a death, a death of a loved one... the death of who you knew to be your bf, but now he is gone.

 

try to maybe look forward to your trip - maybe go bug your friends and make them include you in their plans - its okay, you need friends around you at this time - you don't have to go it alone.

 

anyways, take care, and maybe if your religious, try to look to the person upstairs for a bit of guidance through prayer...

 

kung fu

[Dragonfly81]

One thing that I have learned in the past 3 months since my break-up, is that we are all on a rollercoaster ride with our emotions. You will have times where everything is fine, you are enjoying life and then BOOM, something gets triggered and you are miserable again.

 

I think what you need to do is realize first of all this is normal, and then let the emotions work their way through. One thing that I did for the first month and a half was not let myself feel any sadness over the loss of the relationship...I would not let myself think of any of the good times that we had together. But the feelings were still there and they caught up with me eventually. I had a big cry (I mean BIG, wandering around the house dripping tears on the floor big), wrote some stuff down, talked to some friends. And then it felt better.

 

Whatever you need to feel at anytime, feel it. It is total agony, but it will go away. You survived the hardest of it all, the initial breakup.

 

Take care of yourself, watch the weight loss...I've been in the stage where eating much of anything was not an option. You will be better able to deal if you try to be healthy.

 

Feel better!

[socalguy123]

Hey moonunit,

hang in there. Make it through this weekend. It's a doozy, this time last year, I was with my ex too. This year, she's with her "friend", on some little excursion. Dang, that just gets me angry. But I think I'm finally done with the sadness part, and missing the relationship. I'm definitely in the anger part--where I really resent her for not just breaking up with me, with some class and dignity.

 

You need to feel what you feel, don't hold up, or choke up the feelings of your broken heart--it'll come back to you, months down the line. Accept it as a part of the grieving process. Don't shut your heart out, or you won't really be past this. Read good, uplifting books (I recommend the Alchemist), watch funny movies, hang out with fun friends, do whatever it takes to just put good memories into your most recent history. I think this is one way you can build yourself up. Taking off on vacation is a good thing--I will be doing that soon too!

 

Here's a little bit of advice: Try to get as much of your grieving done, here, before you leave tho. Or, if you don't, when you take off--your history with the city you're from may cause you undue unhappiness.. Here's what I mean, you may end up associating this place you're from, as the worst place on earth, due to the fact that your heart isn't settled with what you've just lived through. I know I know, it may sound a little too existential--but, in the end, you may never want to come back home. You may say to yourself "F that place", when in fact, it's not the place, it's the situation that you remember the most--the sooner you put that to rest, the sooner you can return to enjoying your life back home. Because when you go travel, things will be pretty damn nice--and who really wants to come back after travelling?? Anyway, just some ideas rolling around in my head, if they don't make sense, throw them out the window!

[moonunit]

haha well i'm much better now - it was just a weird freak crazy thing. i guess it doesn't help that i know where he is from time to time (mutual friends that i've taken a step back from but still news travels on get togethers and whatnot).

 

and socal guy - i am all ready at the screw this place stage! i mean seriously, nothing is really holding me here so if i did choose to leave and never come back - it wouldn't be such a horrible thing. sometimes 'running' away isn't so bad i think.

 

dragonfly - naw the barely eatting was the first two weeks - we've been apart for 2 months now. i've kept the weight off in a healthy way actually, don't need to gain that again i'm looking good!

 

kungfu - thanks. yeah it's pretty much that realization. you are dead to me and now i have to say goodbye.

 

i know it sounds weird but i will not allow this to consume me as it has so that's why i just picked a date. 2 months and then i'll move on. so june. that's what i chose. i'll go on holiday for awhile and come back fresh. it'll be nice not to be around technolgy for awhile as well. cell phones are EVIL.

[socalguy123]

manic breakup states--gotta love em. I've gone from sending 3 waves (continuous and multiple) of emails to my ex:

a) 1st wave was started during the day from work--"Hi how's it going, hope all's well"

b) 2nd wave was after work--"Hey, so you know this really bothered me, and I wanted to let you know, cuz this wasn't right"

c) 3rd wave was 2am--"Hey, I really miss you, and I want you to know what you mean to me"

 

 

we all have our moments

[mgirl]

manic breakup states--gotta love em. I've gone from sending 3 waves (continuous and multiple) of emails to my ex:

a) 1st wave was started during the day from work--"Hi how's it going, hope all's well"

b) 2nd wave was after work--"Hey, so you know this really bothered me, and I wanted to let you know, cuz this wasn't right"

c) 3rd wave was 2am--"Hey, I really miss you, and I want you to know what you mean to me"

 

 

we all have our moments

 

I'm glad i'm not the only one to go through a myrid of emotions when i break up with someone or even when i like someone and it is not reciprocated.

 

Moonunit,

 

In my experience, it is always the ones that swear you are the only one that are the ones that are fickle enough to walk away. It is like they have to convince themselves by convincing you that they love you, because they know that deep down underneath they are not to be trusted!

[moonunit]

it is always the ones that swear you are the only one that are the ones that are fickle enough to walk away. It is like they have to convince themselves by convincing you that they love you, because they know that deep down underneath they are not to be trusted!

 

I guess so! I mean grrr. Why say anything at all? I am very careful with my words and do not promise the future to people. That's just me I guess

 

The funny thing is, I sit here and I realize I think I KNOW he will eventually come back to me. And I'm sitting here thinking, but why? b/c he made a mistake. I was worried that he wouldn't at first, but I have great doubts about that. Now I'm kind of worried that he will come back!

 

I do love this guy but, you know how you view changes when you spew forth what happen in the relationship to people (friends here) and they tell you what you all ready kind of know it's just hearing it from other sources kind of help put it into perspective? I wrote my list of pros and cons and although they're pretty even...the cons are big ones.

 

I'd just rather him disappear into oblivion but I know now that it won't happen. yee gads. he sucks. 1 more day and he won't exist. will only be a faded memory.

[moonunit]

it is always the ones that swear you are the only one that are the ones that are fickle enough to walk away. It is like they have to convince themselves by convincing you that they love you, because they know that deep down underneath they are not to be trusted!

 

I guess so! I mean grrr. Why say anything at all? I am very careful with my words and do not promise the future to people. That's just me I guess

 

The funny thing is, I sit here and I realize I think I KNOW he will eventually come back to me. And I'm sitting here thinking, but why? b/c he made a mistake. I was worried that he wouldn't at first, but I have great doubts about that. Now I'm kind of worried that he will come back!

 

I do love this guy but, you know how you view changes when you spew forth what happen in the relationship to people (friends here) and they tell you what you all ready kind of know it's just hearing it from other sources kind of help put it into perspective? I wrote my list of pros and cons and although they're pretty even...the cons are big ones.

 

I'd just rather him disappear into oblivion but I know now that it won't happen. yee gads. he sucks. 1 more day and he won't exist. will only be a faded memory.

[moonunit]

Okay - there must be something about Saturdays that are depressing? I've been pretty much fine all this week until today and I lost it. What makes matters worst I guess is that I was updating my myspace page and low and behold my ex's profile popped up as one of the kool new members! he's had over 10,000 hits to his page.

 

talk about holy ego boost. what he defn didn't need as his ego has been being fed for the last few months so much so that his head is as huge as a blimp.

 

what comes up must come down right? unless he continues on this pathway of semi-success.

 

why do i care? i dunno, i kind of had a few online sanctuaries that i considered my own. he's not really a internet person but I guess slowly he's becoming one - seeing the bennifits of it in more ways than one.

 

the worst? the photo he used was one i took with a shirt i bought and a necklace he liberated from me.

 

it hasn't been going particularily well but it hasnt' been going horribly either. so so and i could handle that. but the profile felt like a kick in the gut. not that he's trying to date other people - i know his game there, he basically wants to be free and open and see what the world has to offer (ie he wants to be a ho b/c suddenly he's able to). it's that he's on "my domain" i guess.

 

i'm better now but for a few minutes i broke down. i really hate this and i really hate him for putting me through this. no consideration for my feelings at all. if he had waited ten days i would have been out of the house. if he waited he could have broken up with me then while i had a place to live and yes it would have been tuff but what he put me through (while doing it nicely in his mind) was very very wrong. and he doesn't understand the reason i reacted the way i did (by going a little nutty). I was in shock, hurt, disappointed and depressed. Now I'm angry.

 

It's unfortunate though that i can't be furious. i wish i had that emotion as it would make things a lot better for me - hate is easier to deal with.

 

i don't what him back. well i do - i want the old him back. i don't like the new him. i don't know who that person is. he's like a complete stranger to me now.

 

he said he'd call me at the end of the summer - i highly doubt it now b/c i returned everything he ever bought me during the time we were togehter (a move im glad i did as i feel it freed me a bit - i still have photos and cards so i have a few memories) i figure that's a move that says i am closing the door on you. i won't call him, but if he calls me...i don't know what i'll do. i won't go back to him (don't think he wants me back anyways, he's probably having too much fun single). i think about it at times then i think about what he did and keep hold of those thoughts. he's never cheated on anyone he's ever dated but he cheated on you the person he was with the longest and shared the most secrets with and was the 'closest' with.

 

and right now i love/hate him too much to even consider being friends...but the thought does float through my mind. not the hang out buddy buddy type but maybe a email or phone call here or there. but does he even deserve this from me? he doens't even deserve me to be a part of his existence any more and that's basically where i'm at.

 

it's awful to love someone so much that even though the obvious answers to your questions/concerns are right in front of you but you can't seem to move beyond/pass them. i had other ex's that have done me wrong and i had no problem moving on when they dumped me (save one) or cheated on me, etc. but this one...i loved the other men...i was in love with this one.

 

so sigh. i'll get over it i know. and basically i'm just rambling it helps at times just to spew. it's just that tonight all of a sudden it hit me and it wasn't a very good hit - it was actually a really really bad one. and i hate to cry - crying is not for me - but i honestly must admit that i cried for a minute or two. broke down and crumbled. caught myself and regrouped.

 

i feel sorry for him. i feel sorry that he won't ever experience my unconditional love for him ever again. i'm sorry that he won't be able to be a part of my life in the same fashion if ever. i feel sorry that he's in his thirties and his mom still helps him out. And i feel sorry that he lives with a crazy cat lady who's managed to chase away five roommates in two years. and sorry that he felt the need to cheat on me instead of just being upfront and honest and leave me first (if he had waited ten days i would have moved out) rather than cheat on me. our interaction and the drama that followed could have been so much better/easier. i feel sorry for him because even though i love him...i am sending him all the bad vibes/feelings/karma in the world i can muster up.

 

you don't need to hurt someone before you let them go - you can just let them go you know? me and my ex ex, it was a bad breakup for sure but he just told me he wasn't in love with me and thought he loved anohter girl. sure it was bad to hear - but it was okay. it was the best for us both. we still talk occasionally b/c he was honest with me. honest and upfront. thats all i ask.

 

better now. thanks for reading.

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey hun,

It's good to hear that someone is going through the same stuff as me and is holding it for the most part together. I'm just like you and if we're honest you know we are doing really well with this - abandoned the one time you think you wont be - but with enough strength inside to keep on regrouping. I too hate to cry, and the last few weeks have been doing so in private, same with you - when i hear from his friends that he's ultra happy now (to the point where they find him annoying) and i know he's been out...silly cos so have I so what's the problem? The problem is...love. Really and truly we both know in the back of our minds we'll be fine.

You know what I hate though, it's the hope vibe im still getting. Even though im doing NC and he doesn't make a move to break it other than to reassure me he's happy (i know WHY???)i still keep on thinking at some point surely he has to come back...we can't not be together really can we...I thought we were amazing together...this is the hardest stage for me now, accepting that he won't ever come back. I mean he might. But I can't wake up and go to sleep everyday with the thought that he may be back soon...if it happened would it really be what I wanted or just that cos it hasn't happened i want it more!

I dunno.

On a tangent there - so what im trying to say is saturdays are bad for me too, right there they pop up in your mind, we did this/we went there...just keep going - im hoping that in a couple more months I'm as happy with my new life as he is, and im sure you will be too hun.

xxx

[moonunit]

yeah feeling much better....i actually looked at his profile and he comes off as such a conceited a. this is not the man i used to love. im not sure who this new man is, but it's wild. it helps me with the not wanting to go back an incredible amount.

 

it's weird how you know someone for two years and suddenly they morp into the egodrivenmonster. i mean he's never had so much attention in his life so i guess this is a phase he's going through - but he's in his 30s! he should have been going thruogh this in his 20s (he was shy).

 

anyhou...yeah after reading his profile and how snotty it came off - whoosh.

 

there are still feelings there yes but i'm strong. have had only one instance of wanting to drop him a line - other than that nc for 5 weeks now (broken up since april). well hopefully he'll be off the myspace rotation soon and i can revisit that area once again w/o seeing his face every five miutes. bah!

[moonunit]

Another bad night.

 

I was doing quite well actually, we've been in NC since May 17th aside from the text he sent a week later (utlities) until I found it.

 

I was going through my stuff, trying to figure out what I was keeping and what I was to donate to the Salvation Army this weekend (I have way too much stuff) and I went through a box and the card fell out. It was something he had meant for me to find while he was gone. We usually left each other little cards or love notes when one of us left for more than a few days so it's not unusual to find things sometime later. I just didn't think it'd be 3 months later after our breakup.

 

So I'm incredibly sad now. It was an i love you card - blue mountain with alittle handwritten note in it. must have purchased it right before he left. funny how a few days can change a lifetime huh?

 

I'm not going to break NC, that's for him to do if he so wishes (and for me to decide if i'll talk to him or not if/when that time comes) but now? I was feeling okay, as good as one can be.

 

Man. I'm pretty sad. I'm not posting for words of encouragement or support, etc. I think I'm just kind of posting to get it out a little. I know a few of you guys have been through the same things more or less...just man.

 

seven/eight weeks and counting. i'm okay, it's just a little hard. feeling better as i'm typing. it's not even like i think im ulgy - or it's my fault - i just am so very diappointed in him. 10 days would have made a difference or if he had just told me he wanted out, we could have split on even ground. i've always told him, be truthful to me, if you want out just let me know, it will be hard but letting me know from the get go will be much better on both of us. but apparently he wanted it all...and i wasn't willing to give it to him. i wasn't willing to share him. it's all or nothing.

 

ok i'm done. no more tears. i'm feeling much better now. spewing helps.