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Need advice regarding my parents….


Lostinlife1990
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A little background about me before i get into things…I’m a 32 year old American man; college educated; I have a full-time job; single; I live on my own; I’m very self sufficient, meaning I hate asking people for things especially money, because i like to do things on my own terms and because I feel when people offer me things, there’s always strings attached, but at the same token, I would give something to other people from the kindness of my own heart and not expect anything back…kind of ironic right? 

 

The reason I’m posting is to seek advice on how I can deal with my parents: Me and them are very close, they always have provided for me, any time I’m broke or something, they always try to offer me a hand, which sometimes I’ll reluctantly take if they insist but when it comes down to it, i hate taking things from them….I just don’t like having things handed to me at all. I’ve also paid money back to them that they gave to me even when they don’t ask for it back. It’s extremely rare that I would accept anything from them, and when i do, I feel like a bum every time. 

 

I planned a vacation for myself to go to an area of paradise, just by myself with no one around. When i told my parents about this, they immediately tried to pretty much steamroll my plans by offering that I stay with family near the area, that I bring my brother with me, and if they had their way they would definitely try to make more amends to my vacation. Now the whole thing about me staying with family in the area, i insisted that would be a no go, but the whole my brother going with me thing, I budged on that and agreed, bu then I spoke to my brother and told him I want to go on my own, to which he understood and agreed. 

 

My parents controlling ways are really starting to bother me a lot. They’ve done this to me so many times in the past….for example when I went out and bought a car of my own, my dad was not happy about that, he said I should have went and bought a car from a guy that he knows himself instead of doing things the way i want to be done; he was upset when i went on a vacation with a girl i was dating years ago; basically the long and short of it is, my parents always try to steamroll my plans when i want to do something for myself, and i always get this creepy vibe in my head that they’re not happy with things that I’ve done for myself. We’re going on a “family vacation” soon to the area where my family is from that’s over a thousand miles away from where I live, I agreed to go with them even though I don’t really want to, and when I told them i want to make my own travel arrangements (my own hotel, rental car, etc) they got upset and wanted it all done their way: ride with them and stay at a family members house. Now me, I don’t like staying in other peoples houses, I don’t care who it is; I don’t even like renting a room in someones house which is why i live in an apartment community. I also don’t like living with roommates, unless I was to have a girlfriend/fiancé. I am very peculiar when it comes to certain arrangements. Another example….when I moved from one apartment to a bigger, better quality apartment, i got the vibe from them that they didn’t agree with me getting that apartment because they want me to get something more cheaper; they always lived the conservative way, where as me I tend to bite the bullet a little bit. I am very careful when it comes to finances and things like that, at the same time when it comes to doing things I want to personally do, I will stop at nothing to do just that. I personally don’t like controlling anyone else, because I know what it’s like to be controlled; my parents were both very controlling growing up, it was not even their way or the highway, it was always their way, which often lead to arguments. Now, every time they try to change something, it always takes me back to those times which makes me angry to the point where i want to punch a hole in the wall. Granted, my parents are very supportive of me, they love me to death, we honestly haven’t gotten in any arguments in a few years; I’m the kind of person where I don’t like conflicts and i hate confrontations.

 

 Can someone give me some advice on how i can fix this situation with my parents, maybe someone who has went through this same thing before? At the same time I don’t want to jeopardize my relationship with them. This is killing me inside. Thank you in advance. 

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It's fine to be a close knit family, but you need to cut the apron strings. That's up to you.

Stop detailing every aspect of your life to them. 

Go on your own vacations your own way. It's unclear why you think you have to be lockstep with them.

Allowing your parents to run all these aspects of your personal life is stifling and you'll have problems with women if you continue to let your parents run the show.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's fine to be a close knit family, but you need to cut the apron strings. That's up to you.

Stop detailing every aspect of your life to them. 

Go on your own vacations your own way. It's unclear why you think you have to be lockstep with them.

Allowing your parents to run all these aspects of your personal life is stifling and you'll have problems with women if you continue to let your parents run the show.

I agree that I will have issues with women if i continue letting my parents run the show. I think my problem is that…my fear of confrontation has caused me to kinda “go with the flow” when really, I’d like to go my own way. I think what I personally need to do is not be so scared of getting into an argument and tell them straight up: I’m not trying to run your life, but this is how I am going to do things for myself. Honestly if they aren’t OK with that, then thats too bad. 

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Look I think that as a man in his 30's who has a full-time job and his own place, what you need is assertiveness and the ability to just say "no". You don't live with your parents, they don't financially support you. I think your issues lie with the fact that you just can't say no to them, or in general. You could read some articles online about how to be more assertive. I even have a self help book about that at home. If you don't want to do something then I think you just need to be honest. There's no harm at all I just being upfront and saying how you really feel and what you really want. You don't need to constantly be a people pleaser.

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"NO" is a complete sentence.  You really need to practice using it.  They control you as that is their nature.  They think they are doing the right things for you and not seeing that they are controlling and interfering and you let it happen because you won't stand up for yourself.

Dont tell them so much about your life.  The less info from you to them, the better.  You dont want to go on that family trip, say NO.  It won't change until you learn to stand up for yourself.  I'd bet they have no clue as to the level of resentment you have within you.  You are screwing up your life trying to be a people pleaser.

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I like how you all mentioned being more assertive, I think that’s the thing I need to work on the most. My counselor told me one time that I need to “be comfortable being uncomfortable”, which I think will help in this situation; me telling my parents I’m doing things my way and not theirs will most likely cause an argument, but I can’t be afraid of that because I can’t continue letting them run my life at all. I also need to work on not telling them so many things…..I should have just booked my vacation without telling them and left it at that. Financially I’m not doing too bad, but sometimes the bills pile up and I have to do lots of catching up, but I hate asking people for financial help, my parents included. I think if I start living my life the way I want to as a 32 year old man, I’ll be better off. I just can’t believe that even at 32 I have to worry about my parents treating me like a kid, hearing someone say “my parents are treating me like a kid” is something a 15 year old kid would say. What I’m just going to do is assert myself in my own ways, I’m not trying to control them at all so therefore I can’t let them control me. 

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14 hours ago, arjumand said:

It's not at all peculiar not to want to stay in other people's homes -- lots of people, including myself, dislike that. Also, I don't stay with family when I go home -- my husband and I stay at hotels so we can get away. When our daughter lived with us, she would sometimes stay with grandparents or aunts and uncles and really enjoyed that, but we liked to go somewhere to be by ourselves. When we first did this, there was pushback, but we just did it, and they got used to it. That is how you deal with it. If you absolutely feel that you need to go on a family vacation (and you are 32, you really don't have to go) just book your own stuff, and go that way. 

BTW, Seraphim is 100 percent correct -- stop sharing all your life information with your family. A friend's mother once said to me, "Never tell people, whose opinion you don't want, information on which they can offer an opinion." Excellent advice. You are an adult, not a child, your parents and family do not need to know everything going on in your life. 

 

I 100% agree with everything you said, and thanks for the reassurance that its not peculiar for me to dislike staying in other peoples houses. I think what I need to do is just be more assertive because after all…I’m a fully grown independent adult, I cannot afford to let someone else make my decisions for me because this is my life. 

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I highly recommend you don't accept any more money from your parents or share any future money difficulties with them. That may be why your parents don't feel you are a fully independent adult. Think about ways to manage your finances that don't get you in over your head or that cause bills to pile up unpaid or paid late.

And keep your travel plans to yourself too. You can share pics with them when you return.

 

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I have parents who attempt similar control over my life and I'm a few years older than you. However I found at young age that letting them know (if at all) after plans have been made and tickets purchased that I'm going on vacation is the only way to get piece of mind. It's not dishonest, it's playing cards close to your chest.

It's really about being forceful without being angry at them. In their heads they think they know best for their "baby" but you need to make your own way regardless of their approval.

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On 12/27/2021 at 11:01 AM, Wiseman2 said:

you'll have problems with women if you continue to let your parents run the show.

Yep

While OP's post was too long for me to read fully I think I get the gist of it – I feel my woman problems are largely down to the fact that my parents were far too overprotective of me when I was younger (they still are, even though I'm a grown man)

I had to move far away and start a new life on my own, only now am I slowly starting to 'get there' in terms of having a love life, but still have a long way to go.

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