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Have I ruined our friendship?


Shjenson021
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Over this year I’ve become really good friends with a woman at work (I’m male). She is a couple of years older (we’re early 30s), she is divorced with a young child and I am in a LTR with my girlfriend who I live with. Me and this woman have grown quite close - we have lots of mutual hobbies and interests and when we’re together we just “click”. Our senses of humour are the same and we spend our days sharing jokes and chat. We text daily - long back and forth conversations. She is very attractive - looks and body. She works out a lot (one of our common interests) and I’ve always told her I’d love to see her body given the exercise she does. She just laughs it off. I admit I love flirting with her - and she does flirt back but I have been shut down a couple of times / she’ll ignore certain questions. She has even met my gf so knows she exists. The other week things got a bit “hotter” after she told me she was drunk and the next day woke up with her clothes on the stairs and no pjs on. I jokingly thanked her for her drunk photos and said she had lovely lingerie (this was all in jest). She laughed and said no she wouldn’t do that. I asked her what would it take to see her body / sexy undies and she replied if we are ever both available she’s consider it. I replied that I wasn’t availabile and wasn’t going to be, what a shame etc. No response from her. I text the day about something completely different thanking her for something she’d offered earlier in the week. Again, no reply (but I didn’t ask a question). So the next day I text again asking about a work call and made a few jokes, called her beloved etc to try and test the waters. I got a one line “too busy” curt reply, I replied saying oh no that’s a shame hope things quiet down for you soon. That was five days ago and she’s left me on unread. Is this friendship over? I was clear I had a gf? Should I leave things as they are or try and smooth them over?

Can I just add that a couple of colleagues mentioned our “obvious chemistry” and “romance on the cards” recently. We both laughed it off. We occasionally meet for a walk during work as we live close by and nothing has ever happened. I’ve suggested coffee / lunch / invite to my house but she hasn’t said yes yet, other than in group things. I do think we like each other but she’s conscious of my gf.

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20 minutes ago, Shjenson021 said:

I’ve suggested coffee / lunch / invite to my house but she hasn’t said yes. I do think we like each other but she’s conscious of my gf.

She would be an idiot to see a guy with a live-in GF.

However she could use those sexts you send her for evidence of sexual harassment at work.

What are you thinking here?

Edited by Wiseman2
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If she's not responding to you then you can't do anything except wait for her to reach out to you. Give her some time and space.

In the mean time you have to ask yourself what you want? Sounds like you have feelings for this woman when you're still seeing your partner. It might be best for both of you to put some distance between yourselves as you don't want to be tempted into doing something which could later sabotage your current relationship. 

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1 minute ago, Shjenson021 said:

I admit I’m attracted to her - physically and a bit emotionally as well but I did say I wasn’t available and wasn’t going to be when she said she’d only consider showing me her body if I was available. I thought that was pretty clear to her where she stood?

She's getting mixed signals from you as your also telling her you want to see her body, flirting with her etc. More than likely you haven't ruined your friendship but unless you want to proceed romantically with her I'd back off with the flirtatious behaviour and leave that for your current partner. 

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5 minutes ago, Shjenson021 said:

I admit I’m attracted to her - physically and a bit emotionally as well but I did say I wasn’t available and wasn’t going to be when she said she’d only consider showing me her body if I was available. I thought that was pretty clear to her where she stood?

It seems you are trying hard to get kicked out of your house and lose your job?

Leave this woman alone. Get your act together with your GF and end it and move out.

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1 minute ago, Shjenson021 said:

I just want to try and salvage our friendship. I was clear I had a gf and was keeping it that way. Nothing ever happened for her to have reason to be hurt!

You have to bear in mind that she may have romantic feelings for you, it's not that you've done anything intentionally to hurt her but she may of thought things were going somewhere. 

Right now she's not even reading your messages, so there's nothing you can do but give her time and space. I wouldn't send any more messages until she responds to your previous one. 

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2 minutes ago, Shjenson021 said:

I’m not planning to end my relationship! I really don’t think I gave mixed signals. I’m clearly in a relationship. Invites for coffee etc were purely platonic 

This is not a "friendship". Asking to see her body and asking to see her in "sexy undies" is not something you would say to a friend.  Do you ask your male friends for these things?

Also, what does your girlfriend think about these "flirting" texts you're sending your coworker?  You have told your girlfriend everything, I presume.

1 hour ago, Shjenson021 said:

I asked her what would it take to see her body / sexy undies

 

1 hour ago, Shjenson021 said:

called her beloved etc to try and test the waters.

 

1 hour ago, Shjenson021 said:

I admit I love flirting with her

You have to stop this unless you want to get into trouble at work and to have your girlfriend unceremoniously dump you (which would be understandable).

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1 hour ago, Shjenson021 said:

she replied if we are ever both available she’s consider it

Sounds like you both like each other. However her is the only one sane there and has healthy boundaries.

I dunno what you expect from her? Affair? To be lovers? You have a girlfriend and yes, she does know that. That is why she explicitly said to you that she would consider you if you break up. She doesnt want to be a mistress. And she is right. If you want something with her, break up with the girlfriend and then pursue her and ask for sexy photos. That is why she has become cold and distant after. 

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51 minutes ago, Shjenson021 said:

I just want to try and salvage our friendship.

This is not a friendship anymore. It's an inappropriate relationship. Therefore, it's not worth salvaging just so you can get your jollies by having an attractive woman flirt with you.  

50 minutes ago, Shjenson021 said:

Invites for coffee etc were purely platonic 

Right, and I have ocean-front property in Kazakstan to sell you. 

OP, what are doing here? You are playing with fire and very blatantly trying to cheat on your girlfriend. Why? 

This woman is wise to stop this cold turkey. She knows it's not going to go anywhere good, and she's clearly lost interest in being your sexting buddy. It doesn't matter if she's always known about your girlfriend. She's decided now that she doesn't like this and isn't going to participate anymore. 

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Honestly, both of you were dangerously toying with boundaries, which I'm sure you're already aware of.

12 hours ago, Shjenson021 said:

I asked her what would it take to see her body / sexy undies

That question is very inappropriate and I bet you know this.

Why are you willing to put your current relationship at risk whilst pursuing a friendship with a co-worker you admitted to flirt with and like? Is this all really worth it? What's driving you to act like that?

I'd be asking myself those sorts of questions.

Edited by greendots
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You can't have your cake and eat it, too.  Talk to women about wanting to see their body, admitting you're attracted, noticing others seeing "obvious attraction" and then claim you are not leaving your relationship.  

That is the definition of mixed signals.  

You are wasting her time.  It's immature on your part that you don't see what you are doing.  And think of your girlfriend.... You are disrespecting her as well.  

Edited by Lambert
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She wanted to learn whether you were going sexual with her because your relationship is on the rocks and you're on your way to becoming 'available', and your answer to that was 'no'.

So, you just confirmed that you were demonstrating your capacity for disloyalty to your GF--and by extension, disrespect toward your co-worker by implying that she'd want to settle for a secret fling.

Since that's likely to P'off anyone with a brain, your best bet is to roll back and keep your communication with her professional. Over time she might cool off, but you'd be wise to never sexualize your conversations with this woman again. Ever.

You'd also be wise to learn from this and never speak to a woman that way again--especially a co-worker who could cost your your job. 

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