Found out about my ex's rebound yesterday... hurts more than I thought it would.

[Cynder]

So, a little background.  My ex and I lived together.  We were planning on getting married.  We were even talking about adopting.  We were really happy, too.  This was the best relationship either of us had ever been in. 

Well, my ex is a trans woman.  She was on HRT and antidepressants for most of the time we were together.  But she didn't take either faithfully.  She had issues with depression and with anxiety.  (As do I)  And on August 11th of this year, she disappeared on me.  She moved out while I was at work and blocked me everywhere.  Four days after she left I lost my job that I had been at 11 years.  And long story short, my life has pretty much been a living hell ever since. 

There was no closure.  So all that time here I am wondering what I did wrong.  I am still in love with her, too. 

Well, on December 1st, I wake up to a bunch of text messages from her, telling me how sorry she is, what a huge mistake she made, etc.  We have been talking off and on ever since.  At first we planned on meeting face to face to talk about things.  But she told me she wants to work through some things before we meet.  And that's fine because I don't know if I am ready for that yet either. 

Well, yesterday when I woke up I was just laying in bed playing on my phone for a little bit before getting up.  And she posted this thing on Facebook about how sad she is, how she has so much work to do to better herself, etc.  Seeing this filled me with a lot of hope.  But I was also sad for her and wished I could do something to help.  Then, I'm not going to go into how because it was so random, I found out that she got into a relationship with someone else 6 weeks after she left me. 

And this other girl that she dated is someone I've heard her talk about before.  We will just call this girl C.  Well, my ex and C dated briefly before I was ever in the picture, and it didn't work out because C was really controlling and possessive.  My ex was expected to not talk to other people, not hang out with friends without C there too.  And C started making all these demands when they weren't even a couple.  They just went out on a few dates and C is telling her, Ok, you are not to do this, that, etc.  So my ex ended it and that was that. 

Ok, I know it's a free country, and we were split up.  So she has the right to date whoever she wants.  But finding this out cut so deep.  It made me want to ask all these questions... Like was I that bad that you would rather have this controlling possessive person instead?  Was she really over me that fast?  After planning on marrying me it only took her 6 weeks to move on?  And now is she only trying to make amends with me because this other girl didn't work out?  But I've also asked questions that are more in my favor too.  Like, maybe being with this other person made her realize how good I was to her?  Maybe she was only with this other girl to help her get over me?  Etc. 

It does scream rebound.  And I know rebound relationships are common when a breakup happens.  I'm not mad at her for dating anyone else.  It just hurts.  Thinking about her kissing someone else, being in bed with someone else, etc. 

They are no longer together.  It was very short lived.  So obviously it didn't work out.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get past this?  My ex doesn't know that I know.  It was by complete happenstance that I found out. 

And I don't want to be attacked for feeling this way either.  If all you're going to do is tell me how wrong and screwed up it is that I feel this way then keep your opinion to yourself.  What I feel is completely natural in this situation and I can't just shut it off because some rando on the internet this it's wrong.  And I'm in therapy, before everyone tells me to go to therapy.  And I also don't want to hear about what a terrible person my ex is and if you are a transphobe (because there are some here) keep that opinion to yourself also.  Thanks. 

[greenfox4]

I would ask her why she left without giving you an explanation, after all you were engaged and she didn't show any remorse for your feelings. What she chose to do after the breakup is upto her, but I certainly think you need some clarity from her before you decide this is a relationship worth pursuing. 

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

I would ask her why she left without giving you an explanation, after all you were engaged and she didn't show any remorse for your feelings. What she chose to do after the breakup is upto her, but I certainly think you need some clarity from her before you decide this is a relationship worth pursuing. 

I plan to.  I'm saving that question for when we talk face to face.  We both agreed serious questions like that are for when we meet face to face, not over text. 

I know what she did after leaving is up to her.  It says that in my post.  I'm asking how I can get past feeling hurt about it. 

[greenfox4]

Just now, Cynder said:

I plan to.  I'm saving that question for when we talk face to face.  We both agreed serious questions like that are for when we meet face to face, not over text. 

I know what she did after leaving is up to her.  It says that in my post.  I'm asking how I can get past feeling hurt about it. 

I would look at the positive side, it hasn't worked out between her and this girl and she is now wanting to see and communicate with you again. It sounds to me like she realises she's messed up and she's missing you now that you've had some time apart.

You are already taken positive steps by going to therapy, ensure you keep yourself busy, be good to yourself and try to steer away from anything that's going to make you feel depressed (sad music, social media etc). Healing takes time but you will be in a stronger position once you've met up and had a chat with her.

[Cynder]

39 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

I would look at the positive side, it hasn't worked out between her and this girl and she is now wanting to see and communicate with you again. It sounds to me like she realises she's messed up and she's missing you now that you've had some time apart.

You are already taken positive steps by going to therapy, ensure you keep yourself busy, be good to yourself and try to steer away from anything that's going to make you feel depressed (sad music, social media etc). Healing takes time but you will be in a stronger position once you've met up and had a chat with her.

Yea, I am trying to see the positive.  I am clinically diagnosed with OCD.  That makes it hard to see the positive of anything.  I just keep picturing her with this other woman, etc.  I have also wondered if maybe it didn't work out because this other girl found out what my ex did to me.  Idk... if I was in a relationship with someone and they told me that they just ghosted their ex fiance' with no explanation, etc I would seriously question what kind of person they are and wonder if I want to even risk being with them after finding that out. 

[greenfox4]

3 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Yea, I am trying to see the positive.  I am clinically diagnosed with OCD.  That makes it hard to see the positive of anything.  I just keep picturing her with this other woman, etc.  I have also wondered if maybe it didn't work out because this other girl found out what my ex did to me.  Idk... if I was in a relationship with someone and they told me that they just ghosted their ex fiance' with no explanation, etc I would seriously question what kind of person they are and wonder if I want to even risk being with them after finding that out. 

You're reading too much into things, it could easily be that they broke up because of the issues they had in the past. Try to keep yourself busy and not overthink things too much. 

[MissCanuck]

I went back and took a browse through your previous threads about her and this relationship, OP. 

It sounds as though it was quite dysfunctional and that your ex has a lot of mental health issues. I think her rebounding with this apparently toxic person is a reflection of her own chaotic ways, and not at all a reflection of your value. She doesn't appear to be a very stable person, so it follows that she behaves in irrational and illogical ways. 

Therefore, knowing what you know about your ex, I would strongly urge you to reconsider ever getting back together - regardless of her rebound. The background here doesn't lend itself much to happy and healthy waters ahead for you. 

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I went back and took a browse through your previous threads about her and this relationship, OP. 

It sounds as though it was quite dysfunctional and that your ex has a lot of mental health issues. I think her rebounding with this apparently toxic person is a reflection of her own chaotic ways, and not at all a reflection of your value. She doesn't appear to be a very stable person, so it follows that she behaves in irrational and illogical ways. 

Therefore, knowing what you know about your ex, I would strongly urge you to reconsider ever getting back together - regardless of her rebound. The background here doesn't lend itself much to happy and healthy waters ahead for you. 

Ok, well, let's check the facts. 

There was this thread:

I was worried about how my family would treat her because of her teeth.  Nothing she has control over and that's more an issue with my family than it is with her. 

Then there's this thread, about a gift I wanted to give her, which she ended up loving and saying it was the best gift she's ever gotten in her life.  There's an update thread about how she reacted too, but I'm not going to bother to link it. 

Then there was this thread... a poem I wrote about her that has some embarrassing mistakes because I didn't realize my editing software doesn't work on this forum and none of the mods would edit it for me. 

 

Then there's this thread, where I wondered if my business would cause problems in my relationship with her because it has caused problems in my last two relationships and since her and I started dating during the pandemic she hadn't really seen me running my business in full swing yet.  Again, nothing she did wrong. 

Then finally there is this thread about her depression.  The only thread I ever posted about her mental health issues. 

Somebody tried this before, too.  Acting like I posted a lot of threads about how dysfunctional our relationship was.  I didn't.  There's the proof.  These are the only threads I posted about her when we were together.  My family is really judgmental.  I was worried they would make fun of her teeth.  I wrote her a poem.  I was having some anxiety about how me being a business owner would impact our relationship.  I got her a gift.  And I hated seeing her so depressed.  Where's all the dysfunction?  Just asking. 

I'm not saying she doesn't have issues.  Everyone has issues.

 

[MissCanuck]

29 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Somebody tried this before, too.

Tried what?

Your defensive attitude doesn't help matters here or with your ex. You have attempted to control the narrative of your threads and tell people how to respond to you, but this is a public forum. We are free to respond how we choose, and not necessarily how you see fit. It is natural that people will look at your recent threads, which I would argue are the most relevant to your current problem. 

29 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Where's all the dysfunction?  Just asking. 

In your own words. I would advise you to re-read your own posts. It's plain as day. 

29 minutes ago, Cynder said:

I'm not saying she doesn't have issues.  Everyone has issues.

And that's why some people don't make good relationship candidates for us. This is where we need to apply a healthy boundary so we don't let toxicity into our lives, under the erroneous assumption that we're being noble or compassionate for overlooking such serious issues. 

29 minutes ago, Cynder said:

My family is really judgmental.

That may be so. But as someone with no dog in this fight? No way would I advise you to entertain an ex like her again. She hurt you very badly. Of course people are going to advise you to run like hell. That would be in your own best interest. 

At the end of the day, her rebound is not the biggest problem. You can make it about that, but it doesn't change all the other ways you were mistreated and hurt by her. Try dropping your dukes, because posters here aren't out to get you. 

[Cynder]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Tried what?

Your defensive attitude doesn't help matters here or with your ex. You have attempted to control the narrative of your threads and tell people how to respond to you, but this is a public forum. We are free to respond how we choose, and not necessarily how you see fit. It is natural that people will look at your recent threads, which I would argue are the most relevant to your current problem. 

In your own words. I would advise you to re-read your own posts. It's plain as day. 

And that's why some people don't make good relationship candidates for us. This is where we need to apply a healthy boundary so we don't let toxicity into our lives, under the erroneous assumption that we're being noble or compassionate for overlooking such serious issues. 

That may be so. But as someone with no dog in this fight? No way would I advise you to entertain an ex like her again. She hurt you very badly. Of course people are going to advise you to run like hell. That would be in your own best interest. 

At the end of the day, her rebound is not the biggest problem. You can make it about that, but it doesn't change all the other ways you were mistreated and hurt by her. Try dropping your dukes, because posters here aren't out to get you. 

Call it defensive if you want.  I'm just keeping the facts straight.  I wrote her a poem, not dysfunctional.  I got her a gift, not dysfunctional.  I worried that my family (mainly my Mom and sister) would make fun of her,  yes there's dysfunction there, but not between her and I.  The dysfunction there is in my family.  I worried about her depression... being concerned about someone's mental health is not dysfunctional, it's normal.  Being a business owner can be taxing on a relationship.  Worrying about that isn't dysfunctional either.  It's normal.  Idk, to me this doesn't equate to posting a lot of threads about how dysfunctional our relationship was, but that's just me.  Yes it is a public forum.  But they don't allow us to edit or delete posts.  So, it's easy to fact check.  The proof of what I posted about her is right there in black and white. 

My question wasn't "Does my ex make a good relationship candidate?"  Or "Does my ex have issues?"  My question was how do I get past feeling hurt that she was with someone else so soon after leaving?  A perfectly reasonable question to ask when going through something like this.  If you would rather bring up all this supposed dysfunction than that's fine.  Don't expect me to just sit here and agree.  Sorry not sorry. 

[catfeeder]

Hello Cynder, sorry you're feeling lousy.

How long was Ex broken up with C before she was involved with you?

Given that Ex was voluntarily making plans to build a life with you right up until she bolted, this doesn't wreak of her running straight back to C due to some perceived deficiency in you.

Instead, it sounds like what people who are unhappy with themselves often do: they leapfrog around. Since their current situation hasn't magically healed them, they back up to retrace their steps to the last fork in their road to learn whether the other road might have been hiding their cure.

While this may not have been her intention at the time she fled your place, over time she may have wondered whether rejecting C's controls could have been where she went wrong. So she explored that only to re-learn that, no, C really was intolerable.

She may need to back up even further to learn that there really were no magical cures that she missed somewhere along the line.

[Cynder]

29 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Hello Cynder, sorry you're feeling lousy.

How long was Ex broken up with C before she was involved with you?

Given that Ex was voluntarily making plans to build a life with you right up until she bolted, this doesn't wreak of her running straight back to C due to some perceived deficiency in you.

Instead, it sounds like what people who are unhappy with themselves often do: they leapfrog around. Since their current situation hasn't magically healed them, they back up to retrace their steps to the last fork in their road to learn whether the other road might have been hiding their cure.

While this may not have been her intention at the time she fled your place, over time she may have wondered whether rejecting C's controls could have been where she went wrong. So she explored that only to re-learn that, no, C really was intolerable.

She may need to back up even further to learn that there really were no magical cures that she missed somewhere along the line.

The first time they dated was years before her and I even met.  And they never were that serious from what I understand.  They just went out a few times and C was really controlling and possessive, so my ex told her it wasn't going to work.  They stayed friends on social media after that, but didn't really talk. 

This last time, I have no idea when they broke up.  I know that they didn't date for very long.  So I don't know if she got back in contact with me right after they broke up or what.  That's a question I would have to come out and ask her and I won't do that because it's technically none of my business. 

Yea, she was making plans with me right up until she left.  Literally the night before she moved out we were talking about wedding plans.  And she was the one who asked me to marry her. 

You might be on to something.  Maybe she was going back to the last fork in the road and realized she couldn't handle being controlled, etc.  And, just a sidenote...  I've seen pics of C and this chick is just scary looking.  I don't mean ugly scary.  I mean she looks mean and aggressive.  Her eyes, I mean, she just looks like someone with a lot of anger insider.  And she's build like a linebacker too.  Tall, broad shouldered, looks like a female wrestler.  And my ex is the tiny little petite thing.  I just hope C never physically abused her. 

My ex also made comments when we were together about how me being shorter than her and having smaller hands/feet made her feel less feminine.  Maybe she dated C because C was this big built manly looking woman who made her feel more feminine.  Idk, just speculation. 

I think she is currently backing up further to really get to the root of her problem.  Her Dad used to beat her up on a regular basis.  And in the time we've been apart she confronted her Dad.  I am so proud of her for doing that and I also envy her.  My Dad caused a lot of my issues and he is no longer around for me to confront. 

There is so much I want to say to her, but I can't.  Not just about this, but about everything.  I want to ask so many questions.  I want to tell her how much I miss her and that I still love her.  And I will admit that part of me wants to go off on her, too, for how she ended things.  I still have some pent up anger that I haven't gotten rid of.  I wish pride wasn't such a thing...  I wish I could just tell her all of this and not be worried about being humiliated. 

[MissCanuck]

56 minutes ago, Cynder said:

My question was how do I get past feeling hurt that she was with someone else so soon after leaving? 

By removing her from your life, so you don't keep reliving the pain over and over. 

Block and delete, everywhere. 

Only then will you really move on and not let past rebounds hurt you this much. 

[MissCanuck]

59 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Don't expect me to just sit here and agree.  Sorry not sorry. 

I don't believe I implied that I expected you to agree. In fact, I expected that you would not. 

I am also not about to engage in immature internet-speak arguments, so I will bow out here. Best of luck moving in a healthier and happier direction. 

[Batya33]

To your basic question - do you have what I call a tool box of go to methods when you feel a certain way? It’s sort of grounding to have that because obviously in the moment you - I - forget what might work.
For example -I got this from some book - I press my hands onto a hard surface like my kitchen counter, fingers spread - and visualize counting them while I press each one harder in turn.  Sort of a variation of “breathe “ but unusual enough so as to be distracting and grounding. Not full on meditation - just go to rituals. 

I also force myself to go back to basics if I’m musing on why someone did something. basically  People move towards pleasure and away from pain. For whatever reason under the Sun - and personal to her so not readily accessible to you - being with this person at that time benefited her more than other options like being alone or with someone else. Be super disciplined about not letting yourself analyze any further.   That’s where a tool box approach can come in I find.
 

Also ask yourself whether you might get more pleasure over “not getting over this “ than if you actually chose to move on from reacting to hurt feelings.  Kind of like friends of mine who got their booster shots and milked the “side effects” they didn’t have for all it was worth lol.  sometimes ruminating is simply something to do and something that feels deep and important and gives you an out from moving on with all its unknowns.  Just consider it. 

[Cynder]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

To your basic question - do you have what I call a tool box of go to methods when you feel a certain way? It’s sort of grounding to have that because obviously in the moment you - I - forget what might work.
For example -I got this from some book - I press my hands onto a hard surface like my kitchen counter, fingers spread - and visualize counting them while I press each one harder in turn.  Sort of a variation of “breathe “ but unusual enough so as to be distracting and grounding. Not full on meditation - just go to rituals. 

I also force myself to go back to basics if I’m musing on why someone did something. basically  People move towards pleasure and away from pain. For whatever reason under the Sun - and personal to her so not readily accessible to you - being with this person at that time benefited her more than other options like being alone or with someone else. Be super disciplined about not letting yourself analyze any further.   That’s where a tool box approach can come in I find.
 

Also ask yourself whether you might get more pleasure over “not getting over this “ than if you actually chose to move on from reacting to hurt feelings.  Kind of like friends of mine who got their booster shots and milked the “side effects” they didn’t have for all it was worth lol.  sometimes ruminating is simply something to do and something that feels deep and important and gives you an out from moving on with all its unknowns.  Just consider it. 

I do actually have a lot of tools for grounding myself during OCD moments and during intense anxiety.  Nothing says they can't be used in these situations, too.. 

When I was at my old job and couldn't listen to music or anything at work, my anxiety would get really bad sometimes because there was nothing to do but think.  Sometimes I would do this thing where I would play the alphabet game in my head with cities or bands.  Sometimes I would do a speed round where I would just go through really fast and name one city or band for each letter.  Some times I would do a slower version where I would think of every city/band that begins with A, then B, and so on. 

Reciting Pink Floyd lyrics in my head or Tool lyrics seemed to be a pretty good go-to also. 

Or I would find ways to make myself laugh... sometimes it would be something completely ridiculous.  Like... Look, there's a squirrel over there.  What if it was some kind of bionic squirrel and it grew ten feet tall suddenly and started chasing that guy right there down the street?  Just completely random things that were funny. 

Over the last day or two I have asked myself if I'm only upset about this because I think I should be upset.  Like, she's not with this person anymore and she is now talking to me.  SO why bother wasting energy being upset?  But then there are times I can't help it. 

[catfeeder]

46 minutes ago, Cynder said:

Over the last day or two I have asked myself if I'm only upset about this because I think I should be upset.  Like, she's not with this person anymore and she is now talking to me.  SO why bother wasting energy being upset?  But then there are times I can't help it. 

That's a good line of thinking to pursue. It also might help to remind yourself that you were able to embrace this person who had a whole history before you. So if you hope for the two of you to come out the other side of this difficult time with a potential future together, you'll need to apply the same acceptance of this time as part of her history of development on her own.

You may or may not be able to pull that off, but you can motivate yourself to consider this a time of training your mind toward that goal.

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

Does anyone have any suggestions for how to get past this?

Why do you have to get past this? Think about how she made you feel. She let you think you were on top of the world, and then she pulled the ground out from underneath you. She did something that hurt you. Now she's letting you dangle there while she takes her time deciding whether she's going to see you or not. 

[Cynder]

42 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Why do you have to get past this? Think about how she made you feel. She let you think you were on top of the world, and then she pulled the ground out from underneath you. She did something that hurt you. Now she's letting you dangle there while she takes her time deciding whether she's going to see you or not. 

I know what you're saying makes perfect logical sense.  There are times when I feel really angry with her and want to cuss her out and tell her what a nasty person I think she is.  But I just can't let it get that far.  I remember all the good times we had.  And I knew her for a while before we dated, also.  For all the time I knew her she seemed like someone who didn't have a mean bone in her body.  I never thought she would do this to me.  So, it's like my heart and my head just can't get on the same page.  I know what she did was awful, but I still love her.  Even I will admit it doesn't make sense. 

Part of me just wants to laugh and be like, "Yea, I hope this other woman really took her for a ride and maybe she got hers."  But then I start thinking about what I did to deserve any of this.  I didn't treat her bad.  If I did I would own up to it.  And the  I start to wonder well how do I know this isn't me getting mine for something I did in the past? 

Idk... I think you are right.  But I can't actually apply that logic to the situation.  I wish I could. 

[Cynder]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

That's a good line of thinking to pursue. It also might help to remind yourself that you were able to embrace this person who had a whole history before you. So if you hope for the two of you to come out the other side of this difficult time with a potential future together, you'll need to apply the same acceptance of this time as part of her history of development on her own.

You may or may not be able to pull that off, but you can motivate yourself to consider this a time of training your mind toward that goal.

Yep...  Oddly enough, exes and my past before her was something she had a hard time with when we were together.  She has been with about ten times as many people as I have.  And that's not an exaggeration.  I never had an issue with any of that.  All I asked was for her to get tested for STDs and I said I would too just to level the playing field. 

I just remember thinking it was so ridiculous for her to be jealous of anyone who came before her.  I've slept with ten people in my whole life, and all but two of them were people I was in relationships with.  The other two were FWBs.   Her count is up in the triple digits and a lot of them were people she didn't even know. 

I know there's a lot more to it than just sexual contact, though.  maybe in reality she was jealous because most of mine were relationships it made her feel bad about herself.  Idk...

[Jibralta]

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

So, it's like my heart and my head just can't get on the same page.

10 hours ago, Cynder said:

I can't actually apply that logic to the situation.  I wish I could.

Well, this may not be helpful, but under the circumstances it's very normal to feel this way.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I am also not about to engage in immature internet-speak arguments, so I will bow out here. 

You'll just be accused of all sorts of political incorrectness and have your head bitten off, so don't bother.

[Batya33]

Not to go off on too much of a tangent but -Pink Floyd- so The Wall and Off the Wall I believe came out the same year in 1979.  My older sister and I (5 year difference) were extremely different including musical tastes.  So for the holidays our parents got us each of the albums -guess which one I wanted as a "tween" (back then called pre-teen).  My sister tried to connect with me via Pink Floyd - specifically the B side (and Dark Side of the Moon) -and refused to listen to any Michael Jackson.  I grew to love/appreciate Pink Floyd so I totally get how that might bring you comfort and grounding!  To bring it back on topic -Off the Wall has "She's Out of My Life......." (if that would help....).  Hope today is better.

[Cynder]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Not to go off on too much of a tangent but -Pink Floyd- so The Wall and Off the Wall I believe came out the same year in 1979.  My older sister and I (5 year difference) were extremely different including musical tastes.  So for the holidays our parents got us each of the albums -guess which one I wanted as a "tween" (back then called pre-teen).  My sister tried to connect with me via Pink Floyd - specifically the B side (and Dark Side of the Moon) -and refused to listen to any Michael Jackson.  I grew to love/appreciate Pink Floyd so I totally get how that might bring you comfort and grounding!  To bring it back on topic -Off the Wall has "She's Out of My Life......." (if that would help....).  Hope today is better.

I grew up listening to all kinds of stuff because my parents had really interesting taste in music and didn't really keep anything from us.  But my Dad absolutely hated Pink Floyd and he hated RUSH.  I got really into them both as a teenager.  I love the Wall and Dark Side, but my favorite album from them is Animals.  It's so under rated. 

Tool lyrics are another go to for me.

It's cool that The Wall and Off The Wall came out the same year.  Interesting bit of trivia. 

[Jibralta]

23 hours ago, Cynder said:

Over the last day or two I have asked myself if I'm only upset about this because I think I should be upset. 

I know the "think I should" loop. It sucks. It feels like if you dare to let go of something you will get penalized in some way. The good news is, I've gotten over it as I got older.