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Is there any way to get back with a girl I was dating after she stopped responding to texts?


dater14
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After a second date with a girl we went back to my place. I was drunk and she agreed to kiss.

It got pretty confusing not too long after, though, because as we were making out, she seemed to be enjoying it. So I (happily) continued, and she quietly said "no." I got really confused, but continued making out. We then paused but I talked her into making out again. She then kissed me and we started kissing again but also quietly said "no" every now and again, which continued to confuse me immensely. She then stopped again, mentioned she had a boyfriend and left my place. We went for a walk after but did not talk about the situation, and when talking along the way she seemed happy to be with me and there was no tension whatsoever, but when saying goodbye she offered me a handshake but I hugged her instead. In hindsight I should have apologized during our conversation but since there was no tension and she didn't seem upset with me or bring up the situation and my intentions, I thought everything was okay.


I followed up the next morning by sending her a good morning text with a couple of love heart emoji's maybe as a way of letting her know I wasn't just looking for sex, she read it but didn't respond. I didn't get the chance to apologize and I didn't want to leave the situation up in the air, of course, so some days after, I sent her two messages days apart saying along the lines of "Are you okay?", she didn't respond.
 

I'd never been in a situation like this before, and in the past when I'm with a girl, she either gave me clear signals to proceed or else clear signals to stop. I really wasn't sure how to handle it, and I think I made my first mistake there. I continued kissing her and talked her into kissing again after she stopped. I think that if I had a chance to do this again, I'd just stop and ask outright for clarity on the situation before I either proceeded or stopped, but I suppose hindsight is 20/20. Instead, I continued making out with her.

Eventually I asked if she wanted to just make out (implying no sex) and she very emphatically said "NO!"

After she didn't read or respond to my texts, I sent a text apologizing that I didn't mean to make her feel uncomfortable but she never read it.

I felt (and continue to feel) terrible about how badly I misread the situation. The conversation remained light the whole way before saying "good night."

I started writing this post to ask the community if they feel there is any way to salvage the situation? I know I blew it since she ghosted me, but after a few months has past, maybe the unfavorable impression of how the night ended has subsided and she would be willing to hear or read my apology. Would it be better if I pick up the phone and call her to see whether she's interested in getting back to the way things were?


In the meantime, I suppose I learned some lessons about making sure I'm reading the signals correctly, and asking for clarification when I get mixed messages.
 

I suppose now the real reason I'm writing this up is just to get it off my chest, so that I can (hopefully) stop replaying my misstep in my head and just learn from my mistakes and move on.

 

And if you're still reading at this point, I sincerely thank you for sticking with it! Now I just have to trust that things will work out however they're meant to, whether that means a reunion or that I'll never see this woman ever again.

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13 minutes ago, dater14 said:

She then stopped again, mentioned she had a boyfriend and left my place.  when saying goodbye she offered me a handshake but I hugged her instead. I sent her two messages days apart saying along the lines of "Are you okay?", she didn't respond. I asked if she wanted to just make out (implying no sex) and she very emphatically said "NO!"

Sorry this happened. She has a BF? That's the no-fly zone.

Let this pass. She was not ready to date and it's unclear why she mentioned she has a BF. Perhaps to end the date.

Next time do not get drunk and slow your roll. Don't suggest going to your place on date 2.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. She has a BF? That's the no-fly zone.

Let this pass. She was not ready to date and it's unclear why she mentioned she has a BF. Perhaps to end the date.

Next time do not get drunk and slow your roll. Don't suggest going to your place on date 2.

Thank you 🙂. Being ghosted by her hurt like a punch to the gut. In fact I've not been the same with other girls I've been on dates with, and rejected some girls who asked me out because I still feel HUGE regret over how things ended so abruptly with her.

She is a great person, and I really miss her. My Christmas and New Years wish is for her to talk to me again or atleast give me a chance to at least apologize to her.

I spent so much time with her on those two dates, and every second was amazing. Her ghosting me has left a massive void that I cannot put into words.

Yeah, she said she has a boyfriend and that she should have mentioned it to me before that point.

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Next time do not get drunk and slow your roll. Don't suggest going to your place on date 2.

@Wiseman2the stupid thing is that we were both drinking the same amount so I didn't expect to get drunk since I weigh more (I wasn't drunk out of my mind btw, just a bit dizzy and bold). I will definitely becareful with alcohol on future dates and go slow, I won't dare suggesting we go to my place until after at least date 6 or 7.

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5 minutes ago, dater14 said:

Thank you 🙂. Being ghosted by her hurt like a punch to the gut. In fact I've not been the same with other girls I've been on dates with, and rejected some girls who asked me out because I still feel HUGE regret over how things ended so abruptly with her.

She is a great person, and I really miss her. My Christmas and New Years wish is for her to talk to me again or atleast give me a chance to at least apologize to her.

I spent so much time with her on those two dates, and every second was amazing. Her ghosting me has left a massive void that I cannot put into words.

Yeah, she said she has a boyfriend and that she should have mentioned it to me before that point.

She may of said she had a boyfriend because she was uncomfortable and didn't want to take things any further. 

Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with you wanting her to go back to your place (after all that is what seduction is all about), the mistake you made was drinking too much and not reading her body language.

Right now, you've texted her and haven't heard back. There's nothing you can do unless she reaches out to you. Just concentrate on your life and learn for the next time you meet someone.

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You chose to get drunk with a woman you recently met. You chose the consequences. The consequences are she was conflicted and you weren’t fully alert or present.  So you chose to convince her to continue. She went along with it but since you barely know her and chose to get drunk you don’t know what was going on.  She doesn’t want to see you again.  Could be thousands of reasons having nothing to do with you.  Or could have to do with her discomfort with you being drunk and she realizing it’s unwise to risk going out again.  Who knows.

Please do leave her alone. You only knew her a short time and it’s too much drama this early on.  
You didn’t really care about getting to know her as a person or you would have chosen to stay sober or at least not drunk with a new person.  Now you care because she’s not responding. You two are not a good match. I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

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I am a fan of apologizing if you did anything wrong. Its humble and it shows that you dont let your ego run forward and can admit your mistakes. However, in this situation, its not you who should be apologizing

She has a boyfriend

You mentioned its a second date. That means(providing that boyfriend thing is true) that she had 2 dates with somebody without disclosing that. She should be apologizing. To her boyfriend, to you, to everyone involved. Because what she did was wrong on so many levels even though you didnt get to sex. 

Most that you are guilty for is not stopping immediately after her saying "No". She maybe changed her heart about the whole thing, maybe just wanted little adventure on the side, who knows. You should have just stopped and wish good night. You feel guilty because you think if you rewrite things something could have happened. Maybe, who knows. However you thinking that you shaking her hands or hugging her is making some big difference of her ghosting you is simply not true. Makes absolutely no difference, she already decided to ghost you before that. She is not a good person. And you should be thanking God it did play the way it did.

Also, leave her alone. Forever. She ghosted you and doesnt want anything to do with you so respect that. And again, if she really has a boyfriend count your blessings it played the way it did.

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2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Most that you are guilty for is not stopping immediately after her saying "No".

Agree. If you hear "no," just stop. It's the respectful thing to do. The word overrides body language and signals. That's why we've been given the ability to speak.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You chose to get drunk with a woman you recently met. You chose the consequences. The consequences are she was conflicted and you weren’t fully alert or present.  So you chose to convince her to continue. She went along with it but since you barely know her and chose to get drunk you don’t know what was going on.  She doesn’t want to see you again.  Could be thousands of reasons having nothing to do with you.  Or could have to do with her discomfort with you being drunk and she realizing it’s unwise to risk going out again.  Who knows.

Please do leave her alone. You only knew her a short time and it’s too much drama this early on.  
You didn’t really care about getting to know her as a person or you would have chosen to stay sober or at least not drunk with a new person.  Now you care because she’s not responding. You two are not a good match. I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

Thank you. I appreciate your response. You make some very good points, though, I just want to mention that I did not barely know her, each date we spent half a day talking to each other, not doing activities to pass the time.

I also don't think I was visibly drunk, sure I was not fully alert and missed somethings she said during our conversation before kissing but I was not a zombie. Your point still stands though, yes I did make those mistakes you pointed out.

 

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You didn’t really care about getting to know her as a person or you would have chosen to stay sober or at least not drunk with a new person.  Now you care because she’s not responding. You two are not a good match. I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

Sorry, but there are lot of assumptions here. I cared deeply about getting to know her, hence why we talked more than most people talk in 5 dates. It would have been wierd if she was the only one drinking and I wasn't, it would have been like I was trying to get her drunk. I didn't think I would get drunk from drinking the same amount she drank. I don't just care about her or getting to know her just because she is not responding. Dissapointed is not the right word but from your response I can tell that you don't understand where I'm coming from/my intentions.

 

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You two are not a good match

Hmm, quite a bold statement. It was a misunderstanding caused by me being stupid and making mistake after mistake. I think not being a good match would be a result of not being compatible in terms of interests etc., that wasn't the case otherwise I would have forgotten about her and not (politely) blown off other girls since then. 

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I take your response very seriously, thanks.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am a fan of apologizing if you did anything wrong. Its humble and it shows that you dont let your ego run forward and can admit your mistakes. However, in this situation, its not you who should be apologizing

She has a boyfriend

You mentioned its a second date. That means(providing that boyfriend thing is true) that she had 2 dates with somebody without disclosing that. She should be apologizing. To her boyfriend, to you, to everyone involved. Because what she did was wrong on so many levels even though you didnt get to sex. 

Most that you are guilty for is not stopping immediately after her saying "No". She maybe changed her heart about the whole thing, maybe just wanted little adventure on the side, who knows. You should have just stopped and wish good night. You feel guilty because you think if you rewrite things something could have happened. Maybe, who knows. However you thinking that you shaking her hands or hugging her is making some big difference of her ghosting you is simply not true. Makes absolutely no difference, she already decided to ghost you before that. She is not a good person. And you should be thanking God it did play the way it did.

Also, leave her alone. Forever. She ghosted you and doesnt want anything to do with you so respect that. And again, if she really has a boyfriend count your blessings it played the way it did.

Thank you, great response. But just to interject, she is a very very good person. Who knows if the boyfriend thing is real or not. I'm the bad guy here, not her. Yes, that's a big part of why I feel guilty.

It's so hard to forget about her even when I'm with other girls. I should change my name to fool because that's what I am for letting her down and making our relationship irreconcilable.

If I should leave her alone, how do I move onto other girls even though that she constantly pops into my head when I'm on dates with other girls?

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14 minutes ago, dater14 said:

Thank you. I appreciate your response. You make some very good points, though, I just want to mention that I did not barely know her, each date we spent half a day talking to each other, not doing activities to pass the time.

I also don't think I was visibly drunk, sure I was not fully alert and missed somethings she said during our conversation before kissing but I was not a zombie. Your point still stands though, yes I did make those mistakes you pointed out.

 

Sorry, but there are lot of assumptions here. I cared deeply about getting to know her, hence why we talked more than most people talk in 5 dates. It would have been wierd if she was the only one drinking and I wasn't, it would have been like I was trying to get her drunk. I didn't think I would get drunk from drinking the same amount she drank. I don't just care about her or getting to know her just because she is not responding. Dissapointed is not the right word but from your response I can tell that you don't understand where I'm coming from/my intentions.

 

Hmm, quite a bold statement. It was a misunderstanding caused by me being stupid and making mistake after mistake. I think not being a good match would be a result of not being compatible in terms of interests etc., that wasn't the case otherwise I would have forgotten about her and not (politely) blown off other girls since then. 

I just wanted to get this off my chest. I take your response very seriously, thanks.

You need to get to know someone over a longer period of time in person no matter how deep your talks are. As you said her communication was confusing. It would have been less confusing if you knew her over a period of time. You chose to get drunk - you could have prioritized being sober so you’d be sure to get to know her as a person while being alert and present.

 You can’t be alert and present when you’re drunk.  When you convinced her to keep making out did you really want to get to know her or did you care more about getting her to do what you felt like doing? 

These are simply my opinions but they are irrelevant. Why ?  Because she doesn’t want to go on another date with you.  That often happens after only two dates. Even where both people are present and sober or not drunk.  I’m sorry you’re disappointed and she’s not interested in seeing you again.  That means you’re not a good match. Maybe my opinions if you didn’t them helpful might make you think next time about staying sober especially if you invite someone you barely know to your place. It’s risky to be drunk and alone in that circumstance. 

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4 minutes ago, dater14 said:

If I should leave her alone, how do I move onto other girls even though that she constantly pops into my head when I'm on dates with other girls?

Eventually you will meet someone else you feel the same way about but you cannot force the process, it may take months before you meet someone you have the same level of attraction to. 

You may not be able to stop thinking about this girl for a while, but help yourself heal by avoiding her social media, contacting her etc. 

In the mean time, focus on improving yourself as a person, do things you enjoy - if you're enjoying your life you will put a better vibe out and be more attractive to potential partners. 

 

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2 hours ago, dater14 said:

I started writing this post to ask the community if they feel there is any way to salvage the situation? I know I blew it since she ghosted me, but after a few months has past, maybe the unfavorable impression of how the night ended has subsided and she would be willing to hear or read my apology. Would it be better if I pick up the phone and call her to see whether she's interested in getting back to the way things were?

There is not anything you can do to salvage it.  You have have done all you should do--you reached out so the ball is in her court, she is choosing to not further engage with you so there is your answer.  The only thing you can do is respect her choice.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

You need to get to know someone over a longer period of time in person no matter how deep your talks are. As you said her communication was confusing. It would have been less confusing if you knew her over a period of time. You chose to get drunk - you could have prioritized being sober so you’d be sure to get to know her as a person while being alert and present.

 You can’t be alert and present when you’re drunk.  When you convinced her to keep making out did you really want to get to know her or did you care more about getting her to do what you felt like doing? 

These are simply my opinions but they are irrelevant. Why ?  Because she doesn’t want to go on another date with you.  That often happens after only two dates. Even where both people are present and sober or not drunk.  I’m sorry you’re disappointed and she’s not interested in seeing you again.  That means you’re not a good match. Maybe my opinions if you didn’t them helpful might make you think next time about staying sober especially if you invite someone you barely know to your place. It’s risky to be drunk and alone in that circumstance. 

Thanks your opinion is very helpful.

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You need to get to know someone over a longer period of time in person no matter how deep your talks are.

I'm a naturally very open person so this goes against everything I am, but I will keep everything you said in mind because I never want to hurt myself like this again.
 

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You can’t be alert and present when you’re drunk.  When you convinced her to keep making out did you really want to get to know her or did you care more about getting her to do what you felt like doing? 

I wasn't thinking anything, so I guess the latter, unfortunately :classic_sad:.

Just to mention, the word drunk that I used is too strong, I was a bit impaired from consuming some alcohol.

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Remember no means no. The alcohol made the both of you have poor judgement. If she has a BF, she reached her limit as to how far this was going to go...she just couldn't do it anymore. I feel she needs time to reflect on her situation. You never know she might reach out to you again. I would give it a month. But for now, just keep dating.

 

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'm a naturally very open person so this goes against everything I am, but I will keep everything you said in mind because I never want to hurt myself like this again.

 

It's not about how open you are.  It's getting to know someone over a period of time.  Seeing how the person is with their friends, family, on holidays, during hard times at work and good times, during illness and triumphs -you can't pack that into a short period of time or deep talks.  Also open or otherwise you choose your filters and boundaries.  Too much too soon is often very bad for early dating.  And also if you are "open" then be open to trying to be in tune with the other person's needs.  You weren't open to her saying no because you tried to convince her to keep going.  Be open but don't overshare- that can be really self-absorbed and overwhelming to a new person.

I'm sorry you feel hurt and disappointed. Dating requires a thick skin.  For me it was worth it for all the years I did it because I was looking for marriage.  Otherwise it would never have been worth all the time, aggravation and stress. 

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1 hour ago, dater14 said:

But just to interject, she is a very very good person. Who knows if the boyfriend thing is real or not.

Sorry I dont see that. Even if she invented a boyfriend her own excuse means that she has a boyfriend while she was dating and fooled around with you. Does that sound like a good person to you? Some girls, for example, have that excuse when you approach them and that is OK. They dont want to be bothered so they say that. But after a second date with you that is pretty bad thing to admit to somebody.

Also, I am sorry but you dont know her. It takes sometimes months, even years to get to know somebody. You had 2 dates. That is not even close enough to get to know somebody deeply. You dont even know if she really has a boyfriend or not. 

1 hour ago, dater14 said:

If I should leave her alone, how do I move onto other girls even though that she constantly pops into my head when I'm on dates with other girls?

Acceptance. She ghosted you so that means she doesnt want anything to do with you. Accept that and how some other girl that you would be in a date in the future will want something to do with you. Sometimes its that simple. This is about you, you have to realize its futile to pursue anything with somebody that doesnt want to even answer your messages. And how there is somebody better out there for you. Take it as a lesson that "No means no" and move on from her.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

'm a naturally very open person so this goes against everything I am, but I will keep everything you said in mind because I never want to hurt myself like this again.

 

It's not about how open you are.  It's getting to know someone over a period of time.  Seeing how the person is with their friends, family, on holidays, during hard times at work and good times, during illness and triumphs -you can't pack that into a short period of time or deep talks.  Also open or otherwise you choose your filters and boundaries.  Too much too soon is often very bad for early dating.  And also if you are "open" then be open to trying to be in tune with the other person's needs.  You weren't open to her saying no because you tried to convince her to keep going.  Be open but don't overshare- that can be really self-absorbed and overwhelming to a new person.

I'm sorry you feel hurt and disappointed. Dating requires a thick skin.  For me it was worth it for all the years I did it because I was looking for marriage.  Otherwise it would never have been worth all the time, aggravation and stress. 

 

Quote

It's not about how open you are.  It's getting to know someone over a period of time.  Seeing how the person is with their friends, family, on holidays, during hard times at work and good times, during illness and triumphs -you can't pack that into a short period of time or deep talks. 


Thank you but are you telling me it should take this long before escalating things physically with a girl? 

 

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Be open but don't overshare

Hmmm, not sure what oversharing means in this context. Can you explain please?

 

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I'm sorry you feel hurt and disappointed. Dating requires a thick skin.  For me it was worth it for all the years I did it because I was looking for marriage.  Otherwise it would never have been worth all the time, aggravation and stress. 

Is there one you feel got away? I mean was there one you felt was the "ONE" but they got away.

Also, how did you know when you found the one you want to marry? Was it a logical decision or an emotional one?

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13 minutes ago, dater14 said:

 


Thank you but are you telling me it should take this long before escalating things physically with a girl? 

 

Hmmm, not sure what oversharing means in this context. Can you explain please?

 

Is there one you feel got away? I mean was there one you felt was the "ONE" but they got away.

Also, how did you know when you found the one you want to marry? Was it a logical decision or an emotional one?

All excellent questions.  I'm not going to comment on when it's too soon to get physical with a date.  I do know it's really risky to do so with a new person while drunk.  I probably waited longer than average to have sex -much longer but that was because I knew I got emotionally attached through sex and my standards were a serious relationship with strong potential for marriage and feeling love for each other - I put aside those standards once and I regret that I did so.  Those were my personal standards and values.  I know of happily married couples who had sex the day they met. 

Whatever works as long as both people are single and consenting and on the same wavelength especially about pregnancy unless the woman is done with menopause lol.

Oversharing means telling yourself that it's ok to do an insta-relationship speed of light and reveal all about yourself right away because you're an "open" person.  Typically that doesn't lead to a healthy long term relationship.

Yes, I dated men who "got away" as you say - one of them I simply was not in the right headspace -I was 23, had recently ended an engagement and he was probably too keen on me too fast so the combination meant -I went for the "bad boy" instead!  I did try to "get him back" a couple of years later but he was already serious with his future wife.  Really good person.  I married my next ex-fiancee.  I married him 11 years after we broke our engagement. He and I were not right together the first time.  We were the second time.

So I struggled with being the runaway bride and getting in my own way for many years.  I struggled with "how will I know" -I am type A and I overthink to the hilt.  "You just know" didn't work for me.  At all.  While I accept that many couples believe and did "just know".  To me it's a combination of head and heart. 

For me I had to be reasonably sure and excited to be with this person and feel in love and passionate and have the same life goals and compatible values.  Any doubts had to be resolvable, momentary jitters and not shaking me to the core and making me question whether I was with the right person.  I recognized that I had only dated half the men on the planet, recognized that technically - there could be someone "even better" - I mean right -there could be -how do I really know? But the difference was -I did not care. At all. 

I could have been told "I met the perfect man for you!!! And he's single! And he wants to meet you" and I would have said.  Thanks for thinking of me. No thanks.  I am with my person."  Because I was not settling. It did not mean I never again noticed if a man was attractive.  Or was over the moon in love at all times. 

It simply meant I found my person, was done looking, was committed to being with him and committed to a marriage with him -which is sometimes the same thing and sometimes not.  I mean I believe in marriage as an institution so sometimes depending on the situation I remind myself of my commitment to my wedding vows as part of thinking about how to get past something.  It's kind of like the old Billy Joel song "you're my home".  

All of this is to say I respect others' different perspectives and how they "knew" and how they made their choice.  I've heard such a wide range including friends who admitted they settled (and yes are still married), friends who "just knew" the minute they met their person, a male friend who's been married since 1998 who I dated who told me the night before his wedding "it could have been you you know" -except I cut him off mid sentence because I wanted no part in that "confession". 

I know people who see marriage as just a piece of paper and marry for the legal benefits like if they have a child together and will tell you they knew it was right for that reason.  You have to find your own path to it.  It's your life.  It's slightly helpful to hear other people talk about it (like the vignettes in When Harry Met Sally) and often so unhelpful -it made me feel a lot more conflicted and confused when I was with the wrong person but wanted it so desperately to be right.  

I hope this helps.  I know it's so hard. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

All excellent questions.  I'm not going to comment on when it's too soon to get physical with a date.  I do know it's really risky to do so with a new person while drunk.  I probably waited longer than average to have sex -much longer but that was because I knew I got emotionally attached through sex and my standards were a serious relationship with strong potential for marriage and feeling love for each other - I put aside those standards once and I regret that I did so.  Those were my personal standards and values.  I know of happily married couples who had sex the day they met. 

Whatever works as long as both people are single and consenting and on the same wavelength especially about pregnancy unless the woman is done with menopause lol.

Oversharing means telling yourself that it's ok to do an insta-relationship speed of light and reveal all about yourself right away because you're an "open" person.  Typically that doesn't lead to a healthy long term relationship.

Yes, I dated men who "got away" as you say - one of them I simply was not in the right headspace -I was 23, had recently ended an engagement and he was probably too keen on me too fast so the combination meant -I went for the "bad boy" instead!  I did try to "get him back" a couple of years later but he was already serious with his future wife.  Really good person.  I married my next ex-fiancee.  I married him 11 years after we broke our engagement. He and I were not right together the first time.  We were the second time.

So I struggled with being the runaway bride and getting in my own way for many years.  I struggled with "how will I know" -I am type A and I overthink to the hilt.  "You just know" didn't work for me.  At all.  While I accept that many couples believe and did "just know".  To me it's a combination of head and heart. 

For me I had to be reasonably sure and excited to be with this person and feel in love and passionate and have the same life goals and compatible values.  Any doubts had to be resolvable, momentary jitters and not shaking me to the core and making me question whether I was with the right person.  I recognized that I had only dated half the men on the planet, recognized that technically - there could be someone "even better" - I mean right -there could be -how do I really know? But the difference was -I did not care. At all. 

I could have been told "I met the perfect man for you!!! And he's single! And he wants to meet you" and I would have said.  Thanks for thinking of me. No thanks.  I am with my person."  Because I was not settling. It did not mean I never again noticed if a man was attractive.  Or was over the moon in love at all times. 

It simply meant I found my person, was done looking, was committed to being with him and committed to a marriage with him -which is sometimes the same thing and sometimes not.  I mean I believe in marriage as an institution so sometimes depending on the situation I remind myself of my commitment to my wedding vows as part of thinking about how to get past something.  It's kind of like the old Billy Joel song "you're my home".  

All of this is to say I respect others' different perspectives and how they "knew" and how they made their choice.  I've heard such a wide range including friends who admitted they settled (and yes are still married), friends who "just knew" the minute they met their person, a male friend who's been married since 1998 who I dated who told me the night before his wedding "it could have been you you know" -except I cut him off mid sentence because I wanted no part in that "confession". 

I know people who see marriage as just a piece of paper and marry for the legal benefits like if they have a child together and will tell you they knew it was right for that reason.  You have to find your own path to it.  It's your life.  It's slightly helpful to hear other people talk about it (like the vignettes in When Harry Met Sally) and often so unhelpful -it made me feel a lot more conflicted and confused when I was with the wrong person but wanted it so desperately to be right.  

I hope this helps.  I know it's so hard. 


 

Quote

Oversharing means telling yourself that it's ok to do an insta-relationship speed of light and reveal all about yourself right away because you're an "open" person.  Typically that doesn't lead to a healthy long term relationship.

This is a gem, thanks.

That's a great story. So second chances do happen

 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

a male friend who's been married since 1998 who I dated who told me the night before his wedding "it could have been you you know" -except I cut him off mid sentence because I wanted no part in that "confession"

haha, that's crazy. Good of you to interrupt him.

It's good that your choice of a mate is both logical and emotional, as the former only and the relationship may be just transactional. Where as the latter and you overlook important things in a relationship.

I struggle with letting emotions control my feelings towards a girl I am attracted to, even sometimes compromising on some values that would make me not want to date that girl in the first place.

No wonder people settle down and get married, it's a safe choice. Although with kids involved it could be troublesome if things don't go as planned.

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Yes.  You can’t control feelings just your reactions to them.  It’s easier to control the reactions when you have concrete relationship goals.  There’s less reason to be concerned about whether your values align if it’s just casual dating. 
I think it’s safer to be married if kids are involved but not a safe choice to marry for convenience or to settle unless for some reason both persons want that. 

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On 12/25/2021 at 10:26 AM, dater14 said:

It would have been wierd if she was the only one drinking and I wasn't, it would have been like I was trying to get her drunk.

This has got to be one of the most twisted rationalizations and attempted validations of bad behavior attributed to drinking that I have ever read on this forum.

You drank too much, you were pushy, you ignored her requests to stop making out, and here you are still trying to get back with her even though she is CLEARLY not interested - all because you were thinking of your own needs, and you're doing that even now.

She wants nothing to do with you and for good reason. Just leave her alone already.

 

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5 hours ago, gamon said:

This has got to be one of the most twisted rationalizations and attempted validations of bad behavior attributed to drinking that I have ever read on this forum.

You drank too much, you were pushy, you ignored her requests to stop making out, and here you are still trying to get back with her even though she is CLEARLY not interested - all because you were thinking of your own needs, and you're doing that even now.

She wants nothing to do with you and for good reason. Just leave her alone already.

 

Why so grumpy? You have no idea about the context of the drinking so what you think is meaningless. You are the one who has twisted my post to fit your own narrative. You're projecting your own negative view of the world. There's nothing to gain by approaching everything with anger and spite. Maybe you'll learn that with age, maybe not.

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