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I Turned Down The Opportunity To Possibly Start Dating Her Again ... DOH!


Rob1000
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My ex and I broke up almost 3 months ago. She broke up with me saying she wasn't ready to give me a full commitment any more and that with so much change in her life, she wanted to do some growing up.

I went NC straight away until early this month when my dog got very sick and I text her to tell her about it. We exchanged some lovely messages and 3 days later I asked if she wanted to chat on the phone. She was really happy to hear from me.

We chatted for about 2 hours. It was nice catching up but I felt way too needy and weak while we were talking and catching up. I did my best to hide it though. She's made some big changes in her life and I could feel how confident and in control she was.

Still, I asked if she fancied meeting up sometime and she instantly agreed, but asked if I meant as just friends. I said I had enough friends and that I knew how I felt about her and wanted to try again - to just go on a date and see.

She didn't seem too off-put by my intentions - she even mentioned spending New Year's together - but did say that she still wanted her freedom and hinted that I wasn't going to get that full-on commitment she believed I was seeking.

In the end, we kept it simple. She was going to be in town that weekend and suggested we could meet for coffee before she got her train home. I agreed.

We ended the call late in to the night, calling each other by our old pet names, but something inside me didn't feel good. It didn't feel like I had been talking to the old her, and that I was too vulnerable and emotional to go ahead with it. And my instincts were screaming at me not to meet her.

I spent the entire next day feeling that I couldn't go through with our meeting. I felt that if I saw her I wouldn't be my old self, that she would see right through me and that our short date would be the absolute end of us.

The day she was due in town, she text me with her train schedule but I said I wanted to leave it and not meet.

When she asked why I said I just wasn't feeling the love any more and felt from our conversation that she needed to be by herself and that we were some time off giving us another go. She didn't reply until later that night when she asked if "its still a no for tomorrow?" I said I had other plans and to text me over Christmas and we'll do something. She didn't reply. And I don't think I'm going to hear from her now.

While part of me regrets the chance to meet her and possibly start dating again, I still think I did the right thing because I wasn't ready to meet her and chance messing it up once and for all. While I still think we have a chance in the future, I believe that the best chance is when there's been adequate time between us and we come back together as equals, rather than me feeling like a needy simp and chasing her, which would only end with her dumping me again.

The only problem now is, its Christmas and I can't stop thinking about her and hoping I'll hear from her. Ugggggghhh!!

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On again/off again relationships are a sure sign you're not a good match.

You were right not to meet because you two have different goals.

When a person breaks up, it means she didn't care enough. If she'd cared, she would've suggested working on issues together.

It sounds like she wasn't willing to have a serious relationship and wants more dating experiences under her belt before settling down. Since she says she has more growing up to do, that's going to involve years, not months.

You actually should go no contact and block her so you can have closure and not be waiting for any messages from her. Hold out for the person who will never walk away. Not even once.

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3 hours ago, Rob1000 said:

She broke up with me saying she wasn't ready to give me a full commitment any more and that with so much change in her life, she wanted to do some growing up.

3 hours ago, Rob1000 said:

but did say that she still wanted her freedom and hinted that I wasn't going to get that full-on commitment she believed I was seeking.

Codename for "I want to jump from tree to tree now, maybe later in life we will meet again". I think you made the right call there. Very hard call considering you probably care a lot about her. But the right call. You want commitment, somebody who doesnt want that would only just waste your time. And you cant wait for her if she ever be ready for that or not. So dont sweat yourself, you did good. Heal some more, get to acceptance phase of break up and try to find somebody who would want the same thing as you. 

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Take some time to yourself. She is not completely on the same page as you. While I think she cares about you, it's changed.

"change in her life" "do some growing up" these are all ways to tell you that it's her not you but she's really no longer interested. 

She may feel like she outgrew the relationship also and doesn't know how to phrase that without hurting you. 

Your dog got sick but it's not her problem either. I think you were looking for an excuse to reach out. She has sympathy for this situation but her feelings are not the same as yours. 

If she reaches out again over the holidays, wish her a happy holidays and happy new year and ask for some privacy while you take a time out. From the sounds of things I hardly think she'd disagree with you or be unable to respect that. Let time be your healer.

 

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