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Completely stuck in a devastating heartbreak


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sorry, this is the first time i’ve used this platform, thought i’d give it a try since im desperate. Its a long one though! I recently came out of a relationship in which I didn’t put much effort in, I wasn’t in the greatest mental headspace for it, I couldn’t give her the reassurance she needed, she often felt unloved and uncared for but in reality I did care. She was devoted to me, completely obsessed with me and I knew that I didn’t reciprocate She broke up with me on the 6th of November and came back to me on the 9th asking if in a month we could talk again about things and take it from there. We ended up talking after that for over a week, things went great, apart from her telling me that her new housemate (female) tried coming onto her and had cornered her in a club and kissed her. This brought out insecurity and I couldn’t shake the feeling like I was being lied to and played. She’d always been loyal to me and wouldn’t even do so much as look at another guy. During the week we were talking again I constantly worried and asked about this girl and was met with the response that ‘they live together’ and it couldn’t be avoided, but reassured me that nothing would happen and they were just friends again. She broke up with me after that week, told me she loved me and I was so important in her life, wasn’t replaceable, all that stuff. Her way of coping she always said was to block all contact, and she did, which drove me mad, I made fake accounts, rang her to be met with her friends telling me she doesn’t want to talk to me, which left me with a devastating feeling like she hated me and I had no idea why. This went on until a few days ago, so about a month until I saw she changed her instagram picture to her & the housemate which sent me crazy, I called 100 times, spammed with messages through fake accounts just to get some answers as I felt so lied to and cheated on, in hindsight I can’t confirm they’re anything more than friends but it still hurt so badly. I tried to console myself today that I need to try to move on but its so hard with the loose end feelings that I don’t know if she thinks about me, still cares or if she’s moved on within a month with someone new. Just looking for some advice as to what to do, how to feel as I am completely devastated. I just wonder if she still thinks about me, still cares. The only thing pushing me forward is the hope that maybe in a few months I might have a chance to try again with her.

 

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You've demonstrated yourself to be a pushy pain in the butt with the phone calls etc.  100 times a day?  That's over the top and can lead to a restraining order from her against you.  She's moved on, based on what you've said.  If you cant handle this then you need to get some professional help.  In the meantime, stop pestering her.

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After your frightening actions I don't think she'll want to give you another chance to try again.  You've already shown her irrational and obsessive behaviors.  Those are not things that make a person attractive.

And that's not love.  Love doesn't pester and obsess and try to knock down someone's boundaries.

Please stop all attempts to contact her.  Leave her alone and think about why you chose to react the way you did.  

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12 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You've demonstrated yourself to be a pushy pain in the butt with the phone calls etc.  100 times a day?  That's over the top and can lead to a restraining order from her against you.  She's moved on, based on what you've said.  If you cant handle this then you need to get some professional help.  In the meantime, stop pestering her.

I agree, I accept my role in acting crazy, I had an extreme mental breakdown, however the thoughts running through my head were telling me that I needed to show that I cared and wanted to fight for her. Obviously done in a really bad way. Also worth noting that we're young & I'm still learning how to deal with this kind of pain.

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She broke up with you twice and your your still stressing this girl. Honestly, it sounds like her expectations were high. If someone says your not putting enough effort in the relationship then that means they don’t accept you for who you are and aren’t going to be content with you moving forward.

Reguardless of the situation with the roommate, I would say that your wasting your energy with this person. What do you think is going to happen even if you get back together? 

You think someone who has lost respect for you is going to magically start gaining respect out of no where. She clearly doesn’t value you at all..

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It is very unlikely that you two will get back together, OP. 

You have demonstrated that you cannot cope with uncomfortable feelings and resort to inappropriate behaviour. Even if she forgave you for that (which isn't very realistic), this sort of thing is the ultimate turn-off. 

Try to learn from this, and use it as an opportunity to grow so you don't repeat the same behaviours in the future. 

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The way I’m reading this is you weren’t that invested or interested in her due to personal issues you were dealing with. You may say you were but perhaps you didn’t show it nor did it feel to her that you were on the same page.

She played you treating you the same way you treated her or in the same way she felt disrespected by you if you weren’t 100% present in the relationship. 

You’re only now realizing what you’ve lost and what taking someone forgranted means. It’s also a good time to be a little more self-aware and recognize when you’re just not at the capacity to be in a relationship. You’ll save yourself a lot of this yo-yoing and emotional rollercoasters. 

I think the trust is broken and more than likely too far gone. She has also moved on and chosen to block or remove you so take that with some grace and learn to pack up shop. You find closure when you start to respect yourself and others too. Be confident moving forward and put this behind you.

 

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8 hours ago, globin said:

 I didn’t put much effort in, I wasn’t in the greatest mental headspace for it, I couldn’t give her the reassurance she needed, she often felt unloved and uncared for 

Sorry this happened. How long were you dating? How old is she? 

You know why it ended. You were just coasting along completely checked out and took her for granted.

The best thing you can do is get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Stop stalking and harassing her before she gets a restraining order against you.

This isn't about her. This is about your own "headspace" ego and instability. All those things are in your control to address.

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17 hours ago, globin said:

sorry, this is the first time i’ve used this platform, thought i’d give it a try since im desperate. Its a long one though! I recently came out of a relationship in which I didn’t put much effort in, I wasn’t in the greatest mental headspace for it, I couldn’t give her the reassurance she needed, she often felt unloved and uncared for but in reality I did care. She was devoted to me, completely obsessed with me and I knew that I didn’t reciprocate She broke up with me on the 6th of November and came back to me on the 9th asking if in a month we could talk again about things and take it from there. We ended up talking after that for over a week, things went great, apart from her telling me that her new housemate (female) tried coming onto her and had cornered her in a club and kissed her. This brought out insecurity and I couldn’t shake the feeling like I was being lied to and played. She’d always been loyal to me and wouldn’t even do so much as look at another guy. During the week we were talking again I constantly worried and asked about this girl and was met with the response that ‘they live together’ and it couldn’t be avoided, but reassured me that nothing would happen and they were just friends again. She broke up with me after that week, told me she loved me and I was so important in her life, wasn’t replaceable, all that stuff. Her way of coping she always said was to block all contact, and she did, which drove me mad, I made fake accounts, rang her to be met with her friends telling me she doesn’t want to talk to me, which left me with a devastating feeling like she hated me and I had no idea why. This went on until a few days ago, so about a month until I saw she changed her instagram picture to her & the housemate which sent me crazy, I called 100 times, spammed with messages through fake accounts just to get some answers as I felt so lied to and cheated on, in hindsight I can’t confirm they’re anything more than friends but it still hurt so badly. I tried to console myself today that I need to try to move on but its so hard with the loose end feelings that I don’t know if she thinks about me, still cares or if she’s moved on within a month with someone new. Just looking for some advice as to what to do, how to feel as I am completely devastated. I just wonder if she still thinks about me, still cares. The only thing pushing me forward is the hope that maybe in a few months I might have a chance to try again with her.

 

All you can do now is to leave her alone, you need to give her the time and space to miss you. However, you have to face reality that you may have messed this one up and learn from it. 

I know it's going to hurt like hell, but you have to avoid her social media, if you're looking at what she's upto all the time you drive yourself crazy and stay in this negative place you're in. People are only going to post photos on there of themselves been happy and having a good time, even if the opposite is true.

If does contact you suggest meeting up, if not focus on your life and you will meet someone else in the future (even though it may not seem like it now)

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12 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

The way I’m reading this is you weren’t that invested or interested in her due to personal issues you were dealing with. You may say you were but perhaps you didn’t show it nor did it feel to her that you were on the same page.

She played you treating you the same way you treated her or in the same way she felt disrespected by you if you weren’t 100% present in the relationship. 

You’re only now realizing what you’ve lost and what taking someone forgranted means. It’s also a good time to be a little more self-aware and recognize when you’re just not at the capacity to be in a relationship. You’ll save yourself a lot of this yo-yoing and emotional rollercoasters. 

I think the trust is broken and more than likely too far gone. She has also moved on and chosen to block or remove you so take that with some grace and learn to pack up shop. You find closure when you start to respect yourself and others too. Be confident moving forward and put this behind you.

 

Thanks so much for this response, this has been by far the most helpful, respectful and kind. Everything you've said is correct, and after a day of realising how much I've been acting irrationally, I've been hit with some hard truth. 

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21 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

All you can do now is to leave her alone, you need to give her the time and space to miss you. However, you have to face reality that you may have messed this one up and learn from it. 

I know it's going to hurt like hell, but you have to avoid her social media, if you're looking at what she's upto all the time you drive yourself crazy and stay in this negative place you're in. People are only going to post photos on there of themselves been happy and having a good time, even if the opposite is true.

If does contact you suggest meeting up, if not focus on your life and you will meet someone else in the future (even though it may not seem like it now)

Yeah. Her parents did contact the police and I had a good chat with an officer. It was very uncharacteristic of me to act the way I did, however personal circumstances and the lack of mental stability I have had at the moment impacted the way I was thinking and acting. The deepest feeling now is the regret of how I acted post breakup when I should've just let time run it's course, now I'm completely wracked with the horrible feeling that even after all the good memories, I'll be remembered as her 'psycho ex' and that she hates me. I do hope after a couple of months I'll be able to talk to her about it and apologise for how I acted and explain things. Thanks for taking the time to respond though, it's helped 🙂

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6 minutes ago, globin said:

Yeah. Her parents did contact the police and I had a good chat with an officer. It was very uncharacteristic of me to act the way I did, however personal circumstances and the lack of mental stability I have had at the moment impacted the way I was thinking and acting. The deepest feeling now is the regret of how I acted post breakup when I should've just let time run it's course, now I'm completely wracked with the horrible feeling that even after all the good memories, I'll be remembered as her 'psycho ex' and that she hates me. I do hope after a couple of months I'll be able to talk to her about it and apologise for how I acted and explain things. Thanks for taking the time to respond though, it's helped 🙂

There's nothing you can do about what's been done. Learn from your mistakes and you'll be in a stronger position for your next relationship. You never know, she may reach out to you but in the mean time stay busy, let yourself heal and try to meet new people (if you can). 

You can always message me on here if you need advice. All the best.

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You don't owe each other anything.

Holding out on the idea that you need to do this or that or apologize is looking for a reason to stay in contact with her and a little groveling. 

When I've let someone go, in no way do I want to hear any sad stories about how sorry they feel about the way they last treated me. Be gone and stay gone or at least keep at a distance and let me live my life. That in itself is respecting that any other past behaviour was inappropriate.

If you want any chance with her show her that you live your life well and have the motivation and drive to do well for yourself. 

Most importantly, do all those things for yourself. If anyone else, like a partner, wants to come along for the ride, that's fine but they better have their sh-t together.

 

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2 hours ago, globin said:

Her parents did contact the police and I had a good chat with an officer.

 

2 hours ago, globin said:

I do hope after a couple of months I'll be able to talk to her about it and apologise for how I acted and explain things.

After her parents got the police involved, the last thing you should do is try to contact her! You are going to have to stay away forever.

This can be a great life lesson. If you react this badly to a breakup it's important to try to find out why. A professional could be of tremendous benefit.

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23 hours ago, globin said:

sorry, this is the first time i’ve used this platform, thought i’d give it a try since im desperate. Its a long one though! I recently came out of a relationship in which I didn’t put much effort in, I wasn’t in the greatest mental headspace for it, I couldn’t give her the reassurance she needed, she often felt unloved and uncared for but in reality I did care. She was devoted to me, completely obsessed with me and I knew that I didn’t reciprocate She broke up with me on the 6th of November and came back to me on the 9th asking if in a month we could talk again about things and take it from there. We ended up talking after that for over a week, things went great, apart from her telling me that her new housemate (female) tried coming onto her and had cornered her in a club and kissed her. This brought out insecurity and I couldn’t shake the feeling like I was being lied to and played. She’d always been loyal to me and wouldn’t even do so much as look at another guy. During the week we were talking again I constantly worried and asked about this girl and was met with the response that ‘they live together’ and it couldn’t be avoided, but reassured me that nothing would happen and they were just friends again. She broke up with me after that week, told me she loved me and I was so important in her life, wasn’t replaceable, all that stuff. Her way of coping she always said was to block all contact, and she did, which drove me mad, I made fake accounts, rang her to be met with her friends telling me she doesn’t want to talk to me, which left me with a devastating feeling like she hated me and I had no idea why. This went on until a few days ago, so about a month until I saw she changed her instagram picture to her & the housemate which sent me crazy, I called 100 times, spammed with messages through fake accounts just to get some answers as I felt so lied to and cheated on, in hindsight I can’t confirm they’re anything more than friends but it still hurt so badly. I tried to console myself today that I need to try to move on but its so hard with the loose end feelings that I don’t know if she thinks about me, still cares or if she’s moved on within a month with someone new. Just looking for some advice as to what to do, how to feel as I am completely devastated. I just wonder if she still thinks about me, still cares. The only thing pushing me forward is the hope that maybe in a few months I might have a chance to try again with her.

 

you took her for granted and now its too late to go back. best thing you can do is learn from this

 

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