Jump to content

Female Advice needed: Work Friend Distanced Herself


Matello77
 Share

Recommended Posts

I'm male and I've worked really well with a female colleague for a few years.

We support each other in work but in recent weeks I have become a bit 'pushy' wanting to be more social outside of work. Inviting her to have lunch, offering to help out at weekends etc.

She's tactful and says something like "that sounds good, thank you"  or "that's kind of you" but never actually takes up the offer.

Anyway I got a bit clingy last week, wanted to have a call before we finished work for Christmas. She couldn't she was busy.

Since then she has been very distant. No contact initiated from her whereas previous lots of contact. If I initiated it's short answer and the type of answer that won't get a conversation going.

My question is. Should I tell her that I've realised I've been pushy and will stop that as I don't want to damage our working relationship by making her uncomfortable nor want a situation where she no longer feels comfortable working with me on the same projects?

Thanks in advance

Matello

Edited by Matello77
Link to comment
Share on other sites

She's not interested. Perhaps she doesn't date coworkers, or want messy office romances or is seeing someone. It's important to remember that the workplace is not a singles bar.

Do nothing. Just pull back and stop asking her to socialize outside of work or chitchat this much. Keep in mind, unwanted advances could be easily misconstrued as sexual harassment.

 Instead get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting available interested women outside of work.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’ve often been wondering where I went wrong in these sorts of situations. In some ways it’s kind of hard to understand how the other person is feeling because we are too focused on ourselves.

Have you been listening for signals and then following up with the appropriate behaviors?

Even in male to male friends or female to female friendships there is a lot of signals we send back and forth to each other, signaling: I like this do it more, or not cool please don’t do this again.

However, because she works with you, she’s probably sending these signals in a very subtle and passive way. As to not disturb the work relationship and to be as professional as possible.

Sometimes it’s just hard to see the obvious, especially when we don’t want to accept the truth. We often ignore the signals we don’t want, and try to rationalize the truth that best suits to protect our ego.

Later on, when your less in your feelings, you can look at some of your past interactions with her and think. What was she saying here, either with her body language or with her actions.

Right now all her actions are saying no. 

Edited by junebug123
  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

However, because she probably works with you, she’s probably sending these signals in a very subtle and probably passive way. As to not disturb the work relationship and to be as professional as possible.

She relies on me a lot at work so you are right. She wants to maintain the working relationship.

Due to there being remote working she has contacted me to ask when I'm in the office so we can be in at the same time, even though we are not currently working on the same projects.

No doubt to maintain a good working relationship and I've misread the signals.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, Matello77 said:

Should I tell her that I've realised I've been pushy and will stop that as I don't want to damage our working relationship by making her uncomfortable nor want a situation where she no longer feels comfortable working with me on the same projects?

No. That's the kind of convo that would only make her REALLY uncomfortable.

Just back off, and stop being pushy. Over time the rest will fall back into place.

People are stressed around the holidays, and attempts to take more of their time only add to that stress. She's being kind, but since you recognize what you've been doing, just do her a favor and just stop doing it.

Head high, and read my sig.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, Matello77 said:

My question is. Should I tell her that I've realised I've been pushy and will stop that as I don't want to damage our working relationship by making her uncomfortable nor want a situation where she no longer feels comfortable working with me on the same projects?

No. Talking about being pushy will probably just add to the feeling of pressure that is causing her to distance herself. I think simply backing off (and staying that way) will do the trick.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

10 hours ago, SherrySher said:

sig...signature at the bottom of the post. 

                                             Mine is right there  👇

For some reason, I’m unable to see any signatures displayed anymore…🤔

OP - I agree with the others. Once you recognised you stepped over the professional work boundaries, you stopped pushing, which is really good. You are aware that she is aware of what happened already, so no need to discuss what you are both already conscious of as it will only make things more uncomfortable. Just step back and return to behaving professionally from this point forward.

Edited by LotusBlack
  • Thanks 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...