Female Advice needed: Work Friend Distanced Herself

[Matello77]

I'm male and I've worked really well with a female colleague for a few years.

We support each other in work but in recent weeks I have become a bit 'pushy' wanting to be more social outside of work. Inviting her to have lunch, offering to help out at weekends etc.

She's tactful and says something like "that sounds good, thank you"  or "that's kind of you" but never actually takes up the offer.

Anyway I got a bit clingy last week, wanted to have a call before we finished work for Christmas. She couldn't she was busy.

Since then she has been very distant. No contact initiated from her whereas previous lots of contact. If I initiated it's short answer and the type of answer that won't get a conversation going.

My question is. Should I tell her that I've realised I've been pushy and will stop that as I don't want to damage our working relationship by making her uncomfortable nor want a situation where she no longer feels comfortable working with me on the same projects?

Thanks in advance

Matello

Edited December 23, 2021 by Matello77

[Wiseman2]

She's not interested. Perhaps she doesn't date coworkers, or want messy office romances or is seeing someone. It's important to remember that the workplace is not a singles bar.

Do nothing. Just pull back and stop asking her to socialize outside of work or chitchat this much. Keep in mind, unwanted advances could be easily misconstrued as sexual harassment.

 Instead get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting available interested women outside of work.

[Rose Mosse]

No, do not keep talking about yourself. When it's time to work, focus on your work and don't initiate any conversations unless they are work related. 

This happens but be a little more respectful in future when someone doesn't reciprocate or take you up on previous offers.

[Capricorn3]

She's NOT interested in you.  Your pushiness/clingyness went to far and pushed her away.  Learn to accept when someone says no and leave it at that.  If she is distant now that's your cue to back off.  From now on you remain polite and courteous in the work environment.

[junebug123]

I’ve often been wondering where I went wrong in these sorts of situations. In some ways it’s kind of hard to understand how the other person is feeling because we are too focused on ourselves.

Have you been listening for signals and then following up with the appropriate behaviors?

Even in male to male friends or female to female friendships there is a lot of signals we send back and forth to each other, signaling: I like this do it more, or not cool please don’t do this again.

However, because she works with you, she’s probably sending these signals in a very subtle and passive way. As to not disturb the work relationship and to be as professional as possible.

Sometimes it’s just hard to see the obvious, especially when we don’t want to accept the truth. We often ignore the signals we don’t want, and try to rationalize the truth that best suits to protect our ego.

Later on, when your less in your feelings, you can look at some of your past interactions with her and think. What was she saying here, either with her body language or with her actions.

Right now all her actions are saying no. 

Edited December 23, 2021 by junebug123

[Matello77]

3 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

However, because she probably works with you, she’s probably sending these signals in a very subtle and probably passive way. As to not disturb the work relationship and to be as professional as possible.

She relies on me a lot at work so you are right. She wants to maintain the working relationship.

Due to there being remote working she has contacted me to ask when I'm in the office so we can be in at the same time, even though we are not currently working on the same projects.

No doubt to maintain a good working relationship and I've misread the signals.

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Matello77 said:

Should I tell her that I've realised I've been pushy and will stop that as I don't want to damage our working relationship by making her uncomfortable nor want a situation where she no longer feels comfortable working with me on the same projects?

No. That's the kind of convo that would only make her REALLY uncomfortable.

Just back off, and stop being pushy. Over time the rest will fall back into place.

People are stressed around the holidays, and attempts to take more of their time only add to that stress. She's being kind, but since you recognize what you've been doing, just do her a favor and just stop doing it.

Head high, and read my sig.

[Matello77]

5 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Head high, and read my sig.

Thanks, what does read my sig mean?

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Matello77 said:

Thanks, what does read my sig mean?

sig...signature at the bottom of the post. 

                                             Mine is right there  👇

Edited December 24, 2021 by SherrySher

[MissCanuck]

As the others have already said, she is not interested in being more than work-mates. You need to take the hint there, OP.

Don't have a conversation about your pushiness. Just leave it be, and keep all communication work-related. 

[Matello77]

I'd just like to say a huge thank you to everyone for your honest advice.

[Jibralta]

16 hours ago, Matello77 said:

My question is. Should I tell her that I've realised I've been pushy and will stop that as I don't want to damage our working relationship by making her uncomfortable nor want a situation where she no longer feels comfortable working with me on the same projects?

No. Talking about being pushy will probably just add to the feeling of pressure that is causing her to distance herself. I think simply backing off (and staying that way) will do the trick.

[LotusBlack]

10 hours ago, SherrySher said:

sig...signature at the bottom of the post. 

                                             Mine is right there  👇

For some reason, I’m unable to see any signatures displayed anymore…🤔

OP - I agree with the others. Once you recognised you stepped over the professional work boundaries, you stopped pushing, which is really good. You are aware that she is aware of what happened already, so no need to discuss what you are both already conscious of as it will only make things more uncomfortable. Just step back and return to behaving professionally from this point forward.

Edited December 24, 2021 by LotusBlack

[Rose Mosse]

Pardon, off topic. Lotus, I think you can check and change the settings for view signatures. Click your name above and see Signature.