I just want everyone to be ok.

[JandJMom]

I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm sure I'm not making any right decision anymore.  I just want everyone to be ok and to be happy, but I feel like it's never going to happen. 

There are some other posts in here about my husband and I.  But basically, we had communication issues that led to me feeling not appreciated and him feeling the same, but instead of talking about it, he sought out other people.  I'm not in love with him and can't see myself with him romantically anymore but I honestly do care about him and don't want him to be alone.  I honestly want him to be happy and I'll do what I can to make sure that he can be, but maybe that is a pipe dream.  But my kids are also suffering and I don't know what to do anymore.

So, 4 years ago, my husband told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.  First, he told me that he was leaving, cleaned out his 401k, left it for me and the kids, and went back to Massachusetts.  He told me he would get a job and then we could figure out custody and stuff.  He didn't tell the kids that he was leaving, they were 10 and 3 at the time.  He told my 10 year old that he would come back for her 5th grade graduation.  She waited for him all day that day and he never showed up.  He called her and told her that he was on his way, which I actually thought that he was coming back, because who would lie to their 10 year old about that?  He never showed up.  She stayed up, worried that something happened to him, only for him to call her at midnight to tell her sorry he didn't make it.  I don't think I'll ever forgive him for that night and I honestly don't know that she will either.  Anyway, I found out later that he met a girl and they made plans to be together and he was moving up there to be with her. Well, they broke up 2 weeks after him getting there and he couldn't find a job, so he came back home.  I found this out later and I actually thought that he was coming home to work things out.  He actually came home a depressed mess and barely left his room.  He ignored the kids for 2 years. Didn't go to any school events, didn't go to any games or classes, didn't want to hang out with us at all.  He would tell my then 4 year old son that he hated me and my family and that everyone hated him.  

I asked him to go to counseling but he wouldn't go.  I told him we could go to family counseling, wouldn't go.  

Fast forward to now, my kids are now 7 and 14.  We finally moved out a few months ago because my husband basically kicked us out and it's been almost worst since.  I was attempting to buy a house, but to keep my kids in the same school, I'd have to stay in this area and with the housing market the way it is, it's been so hard.  As soon as the real estate agent sends me something, it's under contract within hours.  Most of the houses in this area are $400,000+, but I can afford the townhouses, but they just sell too fast.  My husband says that he is too broke to help out.  He still pays my daughter and my phone bills and the insurance.  He tells me that he won't be able to live at all if he has to pay child support, so I haven't really asked him for anything.  I'm living with my parents now, so it's not really an issue.  Other than my dad pressuring me to take him to court or at least talk to him.  Whenever, I bring anything up to him though, he just says that everyone hates him and that he can't do anything.  That he'll never be happy and that if he just dies then no one will even care.  He mentions suicide to me at least once a week.  And he's been drinking a lot.  He told me the kids could come over whenever they want, but there's been many times where he's told me, well I've been drinking, not today.  But now, my daughter is 14, she's old enough to know things.  And she knows most everything that's happened and so, she doesn't always want to talk to him. And his feelings are hurt. And I feel bad about it, but I don't know what to do with it.  I do make her go there every now and then, and at first she would usually do it.  But now, she doesnt always want to go.  The house is dirty all the time though and he only has junk food.  I've tried to go over to clean, but he gets so mad when I do, but I don't want my kids thinking that its ok. 

But now, it's Christmas break and his job, he gets off for it too, and I told him that the kids would probably stay there until Christmas day.  Yesterday was their first day off.  My daughter ended up going shopping with me and my family, so I dropped my son off early.  We got back around 4 and I took her over.  My son had a playdate, so I left with him and got back around 730.  I actually needed them to stay over so that I could get some gifts wrapped and stuff for Christmas.  Well, I got back and I was going to go to the store to pick up some gifts, but my daughter wanted to come with me, so I couldnt really do what I needed to do.  So I told her it was too late to go and that I was just going back home.  She said that she wanted to go home with me, she didnt feel like staying the night tonight.  I actually told her that she should and she said that she knows but that her stuff was still at her grandparents house (her laptop and clothes).  My husband asked if she was staying with him that night and she said no.  Then my husband starts to tell my 7 year old that his sister doesnt like them anymore and that she should just stay away.  He told her that she just shouldnt come over anymore since she hates him.   That he was locking the door and not to even come back for christmas because christmas was cancelled for her.  And just kept saying it.  He always says that people hate him though, so at first I was just like "no, she doesnt hate you, she's just trying to get away from her brother" and that my parents just go a new tv and they put the old 55" tv in the room shes staying so she has like the ultimate set up now.  I told him that she was coming back tomorrow and then I told my son that I would stay the night christmas eve because santa was coming!  But her dad just kept going because he was upset and I realized that he was actually upset.  But he was being so mean to her. He was telling her that she wasn't welcome back to the house because she hated them (him and my son).  And so then I was just trying to relax everyone, I was just like it's ok, no one hates anyone, she'll be back tomorrow.  Then my daughter is just pleading with me to leave, so we leave.  My son wanted to stay, and I didnt want to upset anyone else, so I let him stay.  My daughter breaks down in the car and tells me that she doesnt want to go back and that she just doesn't like it there.  And I try to assure her that it's ok and that her dad is just sad now. I try to lighten the mood and tell her that her dad doesn't realize that he's got a "gothy, angsty teenager" now that just likes to hang out in her room on the phone with her friends and that he'll be ok.  I told her that it was still her house, too, and that he just doesnt know how to express his emotions when his feelings are hurt.  And that she needed to stay there the next night and christmas eve.  She told me ok, we went home.  

Well, my husband is sending me a 1000 texts.  Saying that we hurt him more than we know and that he feels like he's lost a daughter.  Telling me that we should just never come back.  And I'm like she's still a kid, like how can you treat her like she's your ex, when she's your child.  And then he tells me that no one ever cares about how he feels and that his feelings dont matter.  That one day my son is going to go running in the house, excited to see him and he's going to be dead.  I told him that Ive invited him to every family event that we've had the last 4 years.  Every game.  Every school function.  Every teacher meeting.  He's turned down almost everything.  There was like a year that he tried, but it was already 2 1/2 years in to him ignoring them.  My son was young enough to be happy about it, but my daughter not so much.  I told him that they needed to do some counseling together.  That my daughter is sad and angry about everything, too.  But he said no.  He's giving up on her and he said that I should have forced her to stay last night.  

A few minutes go by and I get 3 phone calls from his number.  No one answered until the 3rd call when my son finally answered.  And it broke my heart.  He asked me to come get him because his daddy was in the bed crying and it was going to make him cry too.  He said that his daddy thinks that everyone hates him and thinks that he's just going to be alone.  So I told him that I was coming and asked him if he wanted mommy to stay with him there that night.  So I got there and my son told me that he was glad that I came and that hopefully his daddy will know that nobody hates him because we stayed here with him.  😭😭😭

I don't hate him.  I never hated him.  Even when he told me about all of his cheating, I wasn't even mad.  Sadly, a little relieved.  I want him and my kids to be happy, even if I sacrifice all of my happiness for that to happen.  I hate this whole thing and don't know what to do.  I don't want to take them away from him because I know he feels like they're all that he has left, but they are suffering so much too.  I just wish that everyone was ok.  I don't have anyone to talk to about this because everyone just says to get away from him, but its not that easy.  My son adores his dad and is so sensitive, no matter how he tries to act.  My daughter, too. But this is not the life that I want them to have.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

I'm living with my parents now, so it's not really an issue.  Other than my dad pressuring me to take him to court

Listen to your family. You need to file for divorce to divide up the assets appropriately. You also need to file for child support on behalf of your minor children.

Stop talking to him. If he threatens suicide call the police and dispatch them to his address. Abandoning the house was foolish. A spouse can not "kick you out". You should have gotten a restraining order and divorce a long time ago.

Do what is best for your children. That means court ordered child support. Also do not allow him to have the kids if he is drinking heavily. Make sure you apply for supervised visitation only. 

You have to file for divorce before he drinks away all the marital assets and your kids' futures. "Everything will be ok" when you take the appropriate legal action.

[redswim30]

Hey OP, I feel for you.   TBH, your post is very long and it's challenging to decipher what exactly you are looking for advice about or if you just needed to vent. 

You seem like a smart woman, you probably already know in your heart what it is you need to do. 

Time to file for divorce.  You can't turn him into someone he's not and it's not your job to "fix him".  You may still have love and care for him, but you are putting yourself and your children at risk to be around this man, who really needs to seek out professional help at this time.  You CANNOT cure your husband's depression or other mental illness that he has with kindness or empathy, so please PLEASE stop trying. 

You can't make everything perfect for everyone.  Life is messy and complicated and you can't always fix every person or situation- that's an exercise in futility.  

Please for your sake and the sake of your children- file for divorce and recommend that your husband seek individual counseling. None of this is going to magically improve by just wishing it so.  You have to take action.  Your most important priority should be your children right now.  The WORST thing you could do for their future, is to show them how much abuse from this man you are willing to take and making your children take. Do you want your daughter thinking it's acceptable to be with a man who treats her the way your husband is treating you?  Or for your son to grow up thinking that behaving like his Dad (who is your words he's adores) is right now is acceptable?  That IS what will happen if you keep playing this little game your husband has designed in which HE wins and you and your children lose.  Your husband is an adult.  He needs to figure this out for himself.  

You and your children need to distance yourself until he gets healthy. And he if won't, you need to do what YOU can- file for divorce immediately and seek counseling for you and your children.  They need to understand that this is not healthy. 

[MsAin1st]

1 hour ago, JandJMom said:

That one day my son is going to go running in the house, excited to see him and he's going to be dead. 

This would be enough for me to stop sending my kiddos over there.
 

Please put the kids well-being (mental/emotional/physical) first! Dad needs help. It’s very unfair to pin happiness on your children. 

[Andrina]

Caring more about a drunk, abusive, manipulative, deadbeat cheater over yourself and your children is the biggest mistake you're making right now.

His talk of suicide is manipulation so you won't take any of HIS paycheck, which he sees solely as HIS. He knows he can easily play on your heartstrings because you're too nice for your own good.

When child support payments are calculated, they will always leave enough for a man to give himself shelter and pay for his own basic needs.

Would you sit your children down inside a bar while you went next door shopping, and leave them surrounded by unhinged drunks, either angry or wallowing and sobbing? Leaving them with their father is equal to that. It's abusive.

It's always good to support a child's involvement in a parent's life, but that's if the parent is mentally stable. When you go through divorce proceedings, skilled personnel can advise you about mandated counseling and supervised visitation.

The welfare of your children, both emotionally and financially, should be your prime concern and responsibility. What you're doing is prioritizing the prevention of your ex's wrath. That is plain wrong and you're neglecting your children. He's already mad anyway. Let him be mad. He created this situation, and now he has to deal with the fallout.

Being a spineless noodle has gotten you and your children homeless and relying on your parents for shelter. The courts would likely grant you the use of the house until the children are adults and have him move out. Many states have a mandated class that divorcing parents with children have to take that specifically addresses healthy family communication skills. You never know if things said in the class will get through his thick skull. 

You brought your children into the world and now you have to come through for them. Don't let them down. Go see a lawyer ASAP.

[boltnrun]

Your children have to come first. You're obviously still in love with this manipulative, selfish, emotionally abusive person but your desire to have him back is harming your children.

Please listen to your family and consult an attorney. Then schedule counseling for you and your children (do NOT attempt to convince your husband to come along) because you will all benefit from professional help.

Good luck.

[tattoobunnie]

So why haven't you divorced this 100% deadbeat father who put his own kids out on the street?  Stop trying to think he'll come back, or forcing a relationship with him and the kids.  He's a total deadbeat.  You should get the house, alimony and child support.  He is a liar, and they will garnish whatever he makes.  Stop feeling pity for a man that ran out on you and your kids and kicked you out.