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Intense at first OR...


melchevelle
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this has been on my mind a lot recently although it it happened 3 years ago and I'm still processing it. just looking for thoughts. PLEASE BE KIND AND NOT RESPOND BY TELLING ME TO GET OVER IT AND MOVE ON.

I matched with a girl online and we were texting as you do on the apps. we had a good report and the conversation was reciprocal which is rare nowadays. so within the first day or so of messaging she wanted to tell me how crazy it was that she found me, like I was someone she'd been looking for and how she was getting ready to delete the app but then my profile came about like it was kismet. she read how much I was into design because so was she, I had a manbun which she thinks is hot, and I was wearing a t-shirt of the city she was currently in. she was also telling her colleagues about me and they were all excited. okay, this is flattering and what not. during the texting she also revealed how much she's into sex and how she's been sexually enlightened after her divorce. kinda a turn off from me, because I don't want to know about her and other guys and I felt like she was trying to reel me in like I was after sex. I was not. she was very adamant on asking me for a date as soon as she was home, which I said no problem. THEN before she left this city to come home she buys me a little present and tells me about it. okay, maybe a little sweet, but a little weird. she was non stop texting me her entire trip. she came home, we went out, it was a little awkward, and I was half interested. This didn't stop her one bit. for the next few days and weeks she was insistent on reassuring me that she liked me, that she likes to tell people so they know where they stand with her. I'm basically on the fence, I don't know this person. she was very quick to want to jump into bed. she also did some really sweet things like cook me dinners and watch Christmas movies. she was sweet, but there was something about the speed and intensity that set me back.

after about a month of this I explained that hey I think we need to take it down a notch, that I felt it was too much too soon, I have been on both sides of the intensity (both giving and receiving to another person) and I knew from experience that it freaks some people out. I know she has a good heart. I asked why she even liked me given that I'm kinda ambivalent towards her and aside from my physical attributes she doesn't really know me, but she still persisted and insisted that I was something special. every time I tried to end things she would keep coming back with apologies and more flattery and what not. 

my question is, it sounds like love bombing, but do some people in fact just love intensely? she blamed it on being a LEO and having red hair. any productive insights? 

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7 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

it sounds like love bombing, but do some people in fact just love intensely?

Why you're calling it love I don't know. At that early stage, it's infatuation. People who are full on like a freight train usually don't have much going on in other areas of their lives, and try to fill a hole in themselves by saturating themselves with the high of romancing a new partner.

On another note, when you're looking to the past in depth, it means you're not happy in the present. Forward movement is usually for the best. As they say: When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

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Hey melchevelle,

I think around these parts there is a understandable urge to label things; to form a view of the right and wrong way of dating and forming relationships. Undoubtedly, red flags and dealbreakers are useful concepts while dating, but ultimately, of the billions of relationships that have and will form, there is no one size fits all assessment. 

Some people are intense, others stoic. Some spend every waking moment, others need their space. Good, healthy relationships have sprung from many different seeds. As you reflect and attempt to break your patterns, the best answer is to look inward and evaluate your own feelings and instincts. 

In this case, perhaps she was looking to fill some void, or even consciously lovebombing for some nefarious purpose. Perhaps she is just a full on person. Whatever it is, you listened to your own gut and let her know you were uncomfortable. It wasn't for you, and fair enough. 

Good luck moving forward,

T

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26 minutes ago, melchevelle said:

she blamed it on being a LEO and having red hair. any productive insights? 

Yes, stay away from girls who believe in horoscope. "Oh but I am a Sagitarius, that is why I scratched your car with screwdriver when I was mad". No Jennifer, you just crazy. 

On more serious side, there are people that come in way too hot. I have a friend, he even tells his ONS that he is in love with them. Some people are just intense like that. Not really healthy but its just how he operates when he meets somebody he likes. 

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Speaking for myself only, I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would spend three years trying to process why some LEO redhead love bombed me or was too intense.  I mean, who cares? What does it really matter in the big scheme of things? How does this impact or change your life?  Is it such a life changing event?  Like I say, I can't get my head around this. I must be missing something. :classic_huh:

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I do wonder why you are thinking about this 3 yrs later.  What happened in the end with her and how long did it take?

Some people are just over the top intense, like she is, and I believe they scare potential mates away when they cant simmer down.  She'd drive me nuts in a hurry.  I hope her actions aren't still keeping you awake at night.

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all these years later I wonder if her intentions were genuine, but I'll never know. I ran into her the other day and it brought out some old feelings. especially since she told me in a random text 4 months ago how much hate she has for me. I deserve some of it, but I did try to do right by her earlier this year and attempt to apologize and make amends.

 

Edited by melchevelle
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I'll give you my honest opinion, this girl has been around the block more than once.

I would also guess that she had been jumping from bed to bed.

She knows what she's doing and make no mistake about it, she's not looking for "love", she was looking for hook ups and an ego boost.

The way she behaved with you, is how she no doubt has behaved with many men.

It boosted your ego too having a woman come on that strong, which is why you're still thinking of it.

But none of it was worth going over, and you were no doubt one of many men.

Apologies as I know that's not what you want to hear, but anyone looking for a proper romance won't behave like she did. 

It's pretty clear to see that she was a player.

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3 hours ago, melchevelle said:

all these years later I wonder if her intentions were genuine, but I'll never know. I ran into her the other day and it brought out some old feelings. especially since she told me in a random text 4 months ago how much hate she has for me. I deserve some of it, but I did try to do right by her earlier this year and attempt to apologize and make amends.

 

She knows what she's doing and I think she also has a few screws loose.

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5 hours ago, melchevelle said:

all these years later I wonder if her intentions were genuine, but I'll never know. I ran into her the other day and it brought out some old feelings. especially since she told me in a random text 4 months ago how much hate she has for me. I deserve some of it, but I did try to do right by her earlier this year and attempt to apologize and make amends.

 

I like to believe most people are genuine. That’s because not many are interested or can be bothered to plot against another person. You ended it because you weren’t comfortable. She may be annoyed with you but thank your lucky stars you’re not with her. It might have been worse if it carried on for longer considering you were both incompatible.

You mentioned she was transitioning, perhaps out of a serious relationship/marriage. I’d focus on a person’s frame of mind and emotional health rather than an astrological sign or colour of her hair.

Also make an effort to remove her or delete/block her from contacting you especially because she’s hateful and verbally abusive. 

Give people like this a wide berth and mind your own business. Don’t go down the rabbit hole looking for answers to mysteries that are better left as mysteries. Her issues are not your issues so don’t take them on. Let it go.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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11 hours ago, melchevelle said:

this has been on my mind a lot recently although it it happened 3 years ago. she blamed it on being a LEO and having red hair. any productive insights? 

It's doubtful that this encounter had to do with astrology sign or hair color.

You mentioned people told you to "get over it and move on".

Have you seen a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health? Ruminating to this extreme may indicate physical or mental health problems.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist, since you can't "get over it and move on".

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15 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Speaking for myself only, I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would spend three years trying to process why some LEO redhead love bombed me or was too intense.  I mean, who cares? What does it really matter in the big scheme of things? How does this impact or change your life?  Is it such a life changing event?  Like I say, I can't get my head around this. I must be missing something. :classic_huh:

Exactly.

Where is she now?  I assume you're not together.  What ended up happening and how did you part ways?  Because that's where your answers lie.

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I knew someone like that. Actually two women. Immediately after the first date they were insisting the man change his Facebook status to "In a Relationship" with her, posting on the man's walls constantly, referring to herself as his "wifey", wanting to say they're engaged. Like, a week after meeting.

These women who I know personally are starved for love. They don't feel good about themselves despite being very pretty and nice people. They can't feel good about themselves unless some man validates them. And when the (very brief) dating ends it's always huge drama. 

Do you look back fondly on this woman? Do you miss being love bombed?

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  • 2 weeks later...

So are you thinking if she was genuine in her feelings for you that you may have a missed opportunity? That maybe if you gave it a chance things could have turned out good? She must have made an impression on you if these feelings have resurfaced after running into her. Are you thinking of giving her another go?

You never know what she could be like these days. People can change. Since she was sort of feeling so thirsty after her divorce, maybe it's out of her system now. Maybe start fresh and see.

 

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