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Concern about guy best friend


Concernedman09
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Hello, I am a 21 y/o male and I am concerned about my girlfriend’s (19f) guy best friend (19m). 

My overall feelings:

Trust in my girlfriend is not an issue for me, she has done nothing but demonstrate that she sees him as a friend, and I have never had any issues with trust with her. However, her guy friend I don’t 100% trust to not have feelings for her. 

Suspicion:

Her guy best friend is very new and actually met my girlfriend just two days after we started dating, so it’s not like they have known each other forever. The guy friend told me that he doesn’t see her as more then a friend, but some of his actions make me doubt that. For example, he only ever plans one-on-one hangouts with my girlfriend, and when he does it is usually a more “couple” like activity. He took my girlfriend to see the christmas lights in the city and the christmas mart, and also attended a small pop-up event that she had told me she wanted to go to. They even planned on dressing up nicer then usual. Then another time, he took a train an hour and a half to her hometown, and spent the entire day with her visiting restaurants, the movies, the christmas lights, and other things. He has even cancelled plans before to meet up with her.

Another thing that makes me feel strange is that he spends too much money on her. While spending money on someone isn’t a 100% sign of being interested, her guy best friend does more then just buy her a drink or food. There was a night where he spent nearly $150 on her, and a time before that when he spent $80 on a dinner. And he will never let her pay him back. 

He also makes it REALLY obvious that he wants to spend as much time with her as possible, even if me and her had plans in place. They were hanging out, and I was supposed to pick her up in order to come over because we had planned on making cookies and watching movies and it was already really late. However, he called me from her phone to tell me that he was going to bring her over to my house because they wanted to visit one more place on the way over. But my girlfriend later told me that he just did that because he wanted to spend more time with her.

Conclusion:

How should I go about expressing this to my girlfriend? She really only sees him as a friend, and I’m worried that she won’t see what I see as an issue.

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8 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I don't see why it's an issue either. If you trust your girlfriend, you have nothing to worry about.

I feel I am more concerned that he might try something as a result. It feels a bit unsettling if my girlfriend is going to be hanging out alone for long periods of time with someone who has feelings for her.

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28 minutes ago, Concernedman09 said:

he only ever plans one-on-one hangouts with my girlfriend, and when he does it is usually a more “couple” like activity.  he took a train an hour and a half to her hometown, and spent the entire day with her visiting restaurants, the movies, the christmas lights, and other things. There was a night where he spent nearly $150 on her, and a time before that when he spent $80 on a dinner.

How long have you been dating?

Why is your GF dating this man? Yes, that's what it is.

It's her you can't trust because she is the one doing all this. 

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I know you guys are all young people and I'm nearly 37 so I'm actually not sure what the dating culture is like now with Generation Z lol However to me this whole situation with your girlfriend's "best friend" doesn't actually seem like just friendship and it's inappropriate. It's just going too far and a platonic friend would not act this way towards your girlfriend. Or she towards him. And really it's more her who is the problem. 

This guy is clearly into her and surely she's no fool and she knows this? So this leaves only two explanations as to why she's letting this all happen. One is that she's also into him, or two that she just loves his attention, him paying for her, giving her presents, whatever it is he's doing. So yeah she might be kind of using him but that still doesn't mean that it's OK.

I actually have about three close male friends but one of them is actually gay. One of them I don't hang out with that much. And one of them I do hang out with him, he's a close friend of seven years. But when I had my ex fiance I actually cut down on contact with him and also mostly hung out with him in a group, not one-on-one. And he never paid for me for anything.

If your girlfriend met this guy after you then the question begs why did she even want a new male "friend"? Usually people who are in a relationship want to have boundaries and they don't befriend the opposite gender because they don't need to. They already have a partner and their focus is on their partner. It would be different if say he was a colleague at her work and the friendship was just having a lunch break together or getting a coffee after work, that sort of stuff. But everything they're doing is like dating. Your girlfriend is also disrespecting your relationship in the sense that even when she has plans with you, she gives preference to her "friend". 

Your girlfriend has to have boundaries. I actually believe in having opposite gender friends but it has to look like an actual platonic friendship. So if your girlfriend wants to be friends with this guy then she has to include you too, you can all hang out together. And she can't accept him paying for her or doing date like things with him. But to be honest she probably would actually have to distance herself from this guy because it's pretty clear that he's into her. A male and female can't be friends if one of them has feelings for the other. And if she actually feels the same way for him then unfortunately it's actually you who's the third wheel. So you may be better off getting a new girlfriend if that's the case.

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3 hours ago, Concernedman09 said:

I feel I am more concerned that he might try something as a result. It feels a bit unsettling if my girlfriend is going to be hanging out alone for long periods of time with someone who has feelings for her.

I think that's a very valid concern. And I actually wouldn't say he "might" try something. I'd say he's already trying it!

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Everyone differs with their comfort levels on close male/female friendships of their partners.

The way I feel, male/female close friendships have a different dynamic than same gender friendships (in speaking specifically of heterosexual relationships). Even if I had a man who trusted with my life and he had a female best friend with a hatchet face, I would not be happy that his bf was a female. 

Know yourself enough to know you will never be happy with this arrangement, and assume it would last a lifetime, because it very well could. Are you willing to be in a relationship that regularly upsets you?

Like Rose Mosse said, you shouldn't ask someone to change. They operate the way they want to. What you should say is something like: I'm not comfortable with a gf who has a best friend like this, so this isn't working for me. I wish you the best for your life, and I'm asking for no contact so I can have closure.

Because when you ask someone to change for something like this, they end up resenting you. She will resent you for the lack of attention she gets from her "best friend" if she has to cut him off to please you. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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12 hours ago, Concernedman09 said:

I was supposed to pick her up in order to come over because we had planned on making cookies and watching movies and it was already really late. However, he called me from her phone to tell me that he was going to bring her over to my house because they wanted to visit one more place on the way over. But my girlfriend later told me that he just did that because he wanted to spend more time with her.

Seems to me like she likes all the attention!

Why would her 'friend' be calling you on HER phone? And why is she allowing such attention from him like this?

If he doesn't respect the fact that YOU are the one involved with her, you'd think she at least does.

Calmly talk about this with her.. Ask her if she prefers her time spent with him.  if she says she's dating you not him, say you really don't feel this way.

And btw, I don't see him as her true 'best friend'.  They've known each other as long as you've known her.

Is called 'boundaries', either he back off a bit or you do.

 

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This guy is backdoor dating your gf.  He wants to squeeze you out of the picture and will subtly start to put a wedge between you and her.  My question for you is are you going to help him do that by reacting badly?  If you speak up you will be viewed as untrusting and jealous and he will be whispering in her ear the whole time how you don't deserve a girl like her.

  Time to step up your game and beat him at his own.  I am curious why he has so much free time to spend with her.  How often do you see her?

  You are right to be concerned.  People that say opposite sex friendships are cool are usually women because they have no idea how men think and if they did they would probably run for the hills.  This debate has gone on for ages and will continue to go on for ages.  You and I both know this guy wants to bang your gf and is doing his best to angle himself into her pants.  Maybe they get drunk and he tries to kiss her or he just slowly pushes you out of the picture but your gut is talking to you so you need to listen.

  I agree your gf needs to be the one that puts the brakes on this guy but how do you convey that without looking controlling? 

  I think your best bet is to out do this guy by inviting yourself on their little dates, make him the third wheel, plan your own stuff with her and build your bond stronger.  If she is really into you she will drift away from him and into your arms.  Just waiting around is not a plan for success.

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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6 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You are right to be concerned.  People that say opposite sex friendships are cool are usually women because they have no idea how men think and if they did they would probably run for the hills. 

They are cool.  But this is not a friendship on his side for sure and she knows it full well.  A friend -especially opposite gender in heterosexual situation - wants the boyfriend to feel comfortable because a friend wants to support the relationship.  A friend will do one on one with the friend but not in a date-like environment.  I think having friends of opposite gender enhances relationships overall as long as the boundaries are respected. I think people often make mistakes by ending friendships because "I met someone" - kind of a variation on the smug married mindset -now that I'm a couple I don't need friends, single friends, etc.

I almost went on a date with a man I met through a dating site in 2005.  I didn't because he was long distance and I realized it just wasn't going to make sense.  We stayed in touch and later became FB friends. I started dating my now husband about 6 months after I was in contact with long distance guy. 

In 2009 I relocated with my husband -- and this guy was coming to my new city to have a first meet with a woman from the dating site.  He asked to meet - invited my husband and invited this woman actually.  Husband couldn't make it.  I brought my baby, we all went for a long walk in the park.  Over the next couple of years he came to my city twice (he has close family here).  Each time I met him for lunch.  Each time my husband was invited and couldn't go.  One time we were joined by a friend of his in town (a woman).

My husband never asked me who paid - because he trusts me and it wouldn't occur to him to think it was more than two friends having lunch.  Honestly I don't remember but I probably paid as he was the out of town visitor.  Whatever.

  A few years later he is now the person we buy IT services from for our son's computer.  He was in town recently and again invited us all to meet for lunch (we couldn't).  We have talked one on one over the years including about personal stuff.  I've introduced him to single women.  Never ever crossed lines.  He is my friend.  He is a really good person.  A person of character and integrity.  He's enhanced our lives and I appreciate our friendship. I'd hate to have not had this opportunity just because he is a male.  Long story and to me worthwhile to show the difference to the OP. 

Edited by Batya33
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I don't agree that you should try to mentally exhaust yourself winning over some girl, and she is still a teen, who is too young to be serious with anyone. If you have to jump up and down among other competitors shouting "Pick Me!" as if you're on an episode of The Bachelorette, then you're demeaning yourself.

Hold out for the "woman" who is crazy about you and doesn't have any other men inappropriately taking up a big portion of her time and energy. Choosing the right lady takes many dating experiences. Tuck your present experience under your belt as knowing who doesn't make the grade as the lucky one you allow to remain in your life.

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think having friends of opposite gender enhances relationships overall as long as the boundaries are respected.

I agree. I have a lot of male friends. Always have. Yes, the guys that hung around in my teens and 20s had ulterior motives and are largely gone. But the friendships I made through graduate school and professionally are still going strong. It's a question of respect and healthy boundaries all around.

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On 12/22/2021 at 5:13 PM, Concernedman09 said:

However, he called me from her phone to tell me that he was going to bring her over to my house because they wanted to visit one more place on the way over.

This is truly asinine, and borders on psychopathy. He feels zero respect towards you and is flexing by doing that to you with your girlfriends phone. Such a brazen action, it's unbelievable especially because he doesn't even know you. This is very sad and understandably distressing, I hope you can come out of this situation okay.

Unfortunately I think your girlfriend might see that douchebag move as confidence rather than douchebaggery. All I will say is that he is lucky you seem to be a nice guy because if he tried that on the wrong guy, things probably would become violent.

Sadly a guy like this only shows respect to an even bigger *** than himself.

 

Edited by dater14
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You know she is dating the two of you, right?

 

If this was a friend that had been around for years it wouldn’t make a difference. They are dating one another. Your girlfriend isn’t innocent in this. She is choosing to spend the time with him instead of you. 
 

Dump the cheater and find a girlfriend that isn’t into dating several guys at a time. 

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On 12/23/2021 at 7:30 AM, Batya33 said:

They are cool.  But this is not a friendship on his side for sure and she knows it full well.  A friend -especially opposite gender in heterosexual situation - wants the boyfriend to feel comfortable because a friend wants to support the relationship.  A friend will do one on one with the friend but not in a date-like environment.  I think having friends of opposite gender enhances relationships overall as long as the boundaries are respected. I think people often make mistakes by ending friendships because "I met someone" - kind of a variation on the smug married mindset -now that I'm a couple I don't need friends, single friends, etc.

I almost went on a date with a man I met through a dating site in 2005.  I didn't because he was long distance and I realized it just wasn't going to make sense.  We stayed in touch and later became FB friends. I started dating my now husband about 6 months after I was in contact with long distance guy. 

In 2009 I relocated with my husband -- and this guy was coming to my new city to have a first meet with a woman from the dating site.  He asked to meet - invited my husband and invited this woman actually.  Husband couldn't make it.  I brought my baby, we all went for a long walk in the park.  Over the next couple of years he came to my city twice (he has close family here).  Each time I met him for lunch.  Each time my husband was invited and couldn't go.  One time we were joined by a friend of his in town (a woman).

My husband never asked me who paid - because he trusts me and it wouldn't occur to him to think it was more than two friends having lunch.  Honestly I don't remember but I probably paid as he was the out of town visitor.  Whatever.

  A few years later he is now the person we buy IT services from for our son's computer.  He was in town recently and again invited us all to meet for lunch (we couldn't).  We have talked one on one over the years including about personal stuff.  I've introduced him to single women.  Never ever crossed lines.  He is my friend.  He is a really good person.  A person of character and integrity.  He's enhanced our lives and I appreciate our friendship. I'd hate to have not had this opportunity just because he is a male.  Long story and to me worthwhile to show the difference to the OP. 

This is a massive difference between OP’s situation and yours. Your friend has never intruded into your husband’s place. Where OP’s girlfriend allows her friend to step in as her boyfriend all the time. 

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1 hour ago, Usa1ah said:

This is a massive difference between OP’s situation and yours. Your friend has never intruded into your husband’s place. Where OP’s girlfriend allows her friend to step in as her boyfriend all the time. 

No my point was not to throw the baby out with the bath water and proclaim all such friendships harmful - (of course couples can decide on any commitment related or other boundaries they wish -it's a free country) - I agree with what you wrote.

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This may be the moment you state your values.

I've been in similar situations (not to this degree) But when things turn uncomfortable is when I share w my partner my views on friendships of the opposite sex.  That I feel comfortable bringing my guy friends around my bf and if they choose, they will be just as much their friend as mine.  If not, then it's more than just a friend.

It should be approached no differently than if she was with a female friend. After all they are just friends, right?  I doubt her girlfriends plan fun dates like you describe and financially sponsors them all.  

That's the difference between friendship and dating.

Edited by reinventmyself
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It’s not appropriate at all. Go to your gf and tell her you have a new female friend. New friend and you are going out for dinner  maybe a movie  she is buying. Now see her reaction. Then turn to her and say that doesn’t feel right now does it. 

Edited by smackie9
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On 12/22/2021 at 12:36 PM, Concernedman09 said:

I feel I am more concerned that he might try something as a result. It feels a bit unsettling if my girlfriend is going to be hanging out alone for long periods of time with someone who has feelings for her.

Why is it the friend’s fault if it is your girlfriend that is giving him ALL of this time?

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