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BF always contradicting his own words


Hs2021
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Hello all, new to this forum. I'm in a relationship of nearly 3 years and lately seem to be having no end of problems with my partner. Last week he was going on about some women who was hot and out of his league, I told him this bothered me and he gave me the silent treatment for 2 days and I was stuck in the house in silence the whole time. Anyway after 2 days he asked me what was wrong and I said he'd been completely silent ..... Told me he wasn't giving me the silent treatment then said he was, then said he was sick.... Then said he was giving me the silent treatment but was also sick and that I caused it by over reacting and that it shouldn't have hurt my feelings. This is an ongoing thing, he's always changing his story even with the smallest thing like one day he might say he hates a certain movie, few months later its his favourite one.  Individually they're not that big of a deal but when it's constantly happening I find myself wondering if I really know the person I'm dating. I brought it up to him and he said he says things that aren't true to have interesting conversations or bring up a debate and that he doesn't see it as an issue.  I'm going between feeling like he's trying to drive me mad to feeling like it's my fault and I'm over reacting.....anybody have any thoughts on the situation? Apologies if this is very long, my heads just wrecked from this! 

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Why were you stuck for 2 days? Do you have friends, activities, etc? That's part of the problem -he knows he has this level of control/power if he gives the ridiculously immature silent treatment.  Does he drink/on meds/ take drugs? Otherwise yes it's intentional to mess with your head.  And you're acting like a doormat. Do you value yourself? Do you know your worth? How would you feel if your best friend's boyfriend went on in front of her how some gal was sooooo hot but out of his league? What would you want to tell your best friend?

Over 20 years ago my then boyfriend (now my husband!) took me out to meet an old friend of his.  This guy was a jerk.  Sexist pig kind of garbage.  He said to us that a woman should always walk behind her man.  I was around 30 at the time.  I looked at him and said "I'd feel sorry for any woman who had to have the back view of you" - obviously two wrongs don't make a right. 

My point is - woman up.  Find your voice.  Maybe be a bit more diplomatic than me but don't take this crap from anyone. I'm 5"2 and petite.  I speak my mind.  I stand tall when I do. I make good eye contact.  No apologies. 

Now yes - kick this jerk to the curb - but generally speaking - speak.  Find your voice so you don't get into this kind of situation again.  You are the victim but these types of people seek out passive people like you who don't make a life for themselves so there is no silent treatment.  There's a silent house because you have places to go and people to see or even a place within your home where you're not at the whim of some bully.

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Gaslighting AND stonewalling, defensiveness, lying. This is a bad BF, and a bad person. You have been a pushover. You can't fix him, this is his personality, and can't be undone by anyone but a therapist, and a will to want to change. That's too complicated, so lets keep it simple....end the relationship.

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My ex uses to play these kind of games. For example, he told me one year that he couldn't go out to dinner with me on his birthday because his friend had set up for a few people to get together to celebrate. I asked him who was going to be there. He said he didn't know. I asked how it was possible he didn't know. And he said he wouldn't know until he got there who was going to be there. And of course I wasn't invited because he couldn't just bring someone along without asking, and he couldn't ask because that would be rude. The next day I asked how it went and who was there and he said it was fun and that "lots of people" were there. He couldn't say who because there were a lot.

I know now it was because he spent it with one of his other girlfriends (that's another story) but he did things like that constantly because he thought it was fun to see me confused and upset.

Do you think your boyfriend enjoys seeing you confused and upset? If so, does that seem like love to you?

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Its common in narcissists to gaslight their "victims" because its easier to manipulate them that way. For example in your case it always gives him suitable excuse. You were mad for him talking about some woman, he turned it around by leaving it out for a few days and then passing the guilt on you saying how he was sick because you overreacted. It confuses you, makes you reconsider your own actions while he walks away guilt free for talking about another girl, act that by all acounts should make you mad at him. But now you think you are at fault and his act is forgotten. If he is like that, I am afraid that yes, you should reconsider your relationship. Persons like that make a very bad partners for obvious reasons. 

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Thank you everyone for your replies. The thing is, is it really gaslighting if he's not aware he's doing it or if his intentions aren't to hurt me? The example I gave of him talking about another women is something that could've been solved with him simply saying sorry I hurt your feelings but he has a lot of issues with apologising and tends to shut down if an issue arises.  I've pretty much begged him to work on communicating with me and the past 3 years he said he'd try but I haven't seen an improvement.... I don't think he's a narcissist in any way, he just struggles with emotions and avoids dealing with conflict due to an abusive childhood and past abusive relationship. I do feel like a push over sometimes but I hate arguing and I'm easily guilt tripped. Thank you to everyone for making me feel like I'm not just being very sensitive and over reacting 

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Why do you find him enjoyable to be around when his topics of discussion involve hot women and contradictory opinions like you feel like you're dealing with someone with split personalities?

Sometimes you need distance and time away from a toxic person to realize you were addicted to a person who was not appropriate for you, and that your low self esteem distorted your good sense.

When you feel poorly about yourself, you subconsciously choose a person you think you deserve--a crappy one. It's not until you make yourself go solo and work on your self-love that you realize you deserve better, and then make that happen.

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31 minutes ago, Hs2021 said:

The example I gave of him talking about another women is something that could've been solved with him simply saying sorry I hurt your feelings but he has a lot of issues with apologising and tends to shut down if an issue arises. 

Exactly what narcissist would do. They dont apologize because that would mean they are at fault. And that would ruin their fake self image.

I am not saying he is, you know him way better then I am. Just saying that you should be careful there. Because what you described, it does sound an awful lot like that. Take care.

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1 hour ago, Hs2021 said:

The thing is, is it really gaslighting if he's not aware he's doing it or if his intentions aren't to hurt me? The example I gave of him talking about another women is something that could've been solved with him simply saying sorry I hurt your feelings but he has a lot of issues with apologising and tends to shut down if an issue arises. 

He intended not to apologize to you.  He intended to talk about other woman in a tactless and hurtful way.  He has "issues with apologizing" - I mean we all at times dislike having to show humility and admit wrong doing -or say sorry even if it was unintentional and just carelesss - but seriously -you want to be with someone long term whose MO is not apologizing and "shutting down?"  Because of a bad childhood? He gets a pass and is allowed to treat you badly because someone else treated him badly? 

Why?  Does he work? Does he apologize at work if he makes a mistake or offends someone? What is he doing to address his issues with mistreating you and -as you seem to say-everyone.  You mean he chooses not to apologize to anyone and shuts down if there's any "issue?"  How does he stay employed then?

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He's very complicated and in his own way, very dramatic.  Beware.   I don't like people like that because they're very high maintenance, cause undue stress for you and this type of relationship will disintegrate sooner or later. 

You need to ask yourself if he's good enough for you or not.  I doubt you will endure with him. 

Your patience or lack thereof will dictate how and when you will exit and dissolve this sham of a relationship with him. 

Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject and / or changing your perception of the facts.  Several relatives in my life are masters at gaslighting.  The best thing I've ever done was to steer clear of them.  It's mental illness at its finest. 

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I think when we love someone we think they can't help it or they don't know they are doing it.

I dated someone for years that also punished me with the silent treatment, had a very hot temper at the drop of a hat. It didn't help that I was raised by a mother with a temper and my best girlfriend was in her words "a true scorpio", an excuse for her unreasonable temper. So I just kind of took it for a long time. Always the calm, cool voice of reason and forgiveness. While they'd spew vile hurtful words at me. As if I'm the only person in the world that control herself.

That's what really makes me mad about overly emotional or angry people.  Like who do they think they are? 

As for the boyfriend... it seemed like after awhile, every time he acted this way I lost more love for him until it was gone.  I started to realize I didn't want to live like this. I didn't want my love to be like this. So I broke it off.

Same with the girlfriend, we had a huge falling out one day. She actually hit me. I never talked to her again.

My mom is still my mom. lol. she's mellowed a lot as I grew up.  There was one time once I was an adult she got pretty snarky with me at her house.  So I left. That proved the point, I'm not going to sit there and be treated like crap. I don't care who you are. And she controls herself. I think I shocked her by leaving. 

So while you may love him now, you have to love yourself more. Put your foot down and be ready to leave his butt. 

He is not going to change.  They never do.  I say NEVER! I try to be a forgiving person because we all make mistakes.  but we can't let ourselves be doormats because after all, this is life... being treated like a doormat is a choice. Some times it might be the easier choice. but in the long run it will cost you a lot. Especially if you have kids.  

You have to realize the person who they are and what it means for you to stay with them. Not 'what it could be'.

Edited by Lambert
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10 hours ago, Hs2021 said:

 he said he'd try but I haven't seen an improvement.... he just struggles with emotions .I'm easily guilt tripped. 

Dating is not social work. You're making excuses for him. Not everyone who grew up with abuse becomes an abuser, but he chooses to be cruel to you.

He's well aware that it hurts you. He doesn't care.

You're trying to fix and change him. Stop begging him to "communicate".

It doesn't matter what labels you put on this. What matters is you're unhappy and unwilling to leave.

Easily "guilt tripped"? That's toxic blame. He is not going to change. 

Decide if you want to coddle and pamper someone who gets off on harming you.

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