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New Year’s Eve Bomb?


Anonymous185
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Hey all! So my boyfriend and I met in May and started officially dating in about August of this year. We both just moved from different states to the same state over the spring/summer. He had drove 4 hours to see me in June in the previous state I was living in for our first date. We were planning to do a short trip weekend trip for our Christmas gift to each other. I thought we would do New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day since we won’t get to spend any holidays together because I’m going back home, and his family has been in town. 

Well, I mentioned that to him, and he said he can’t do New Year’s Eve because he is spending it with family. There wasn’t really another time to do the trip, and I wanted to get it in before med school starts back up. That’s fine he wants to spend it with family, and I’m not upset about that part. However, he knows I’ll be back in town by then and would be spending it by myself if he wasn’t with me. I haven’t met his family yet, and he said he and his brother has been fighting so things would still be kind of awkward. Awkward in 2 weeks from now? I don’t know. I just feel like New Year’s Eve is a couple’s holiday, and I really don’t hammer him about doing anything with me. 

I would have been fine spending it with him and his family. It just hurt my feelings he doesn’t want to spend it with me. Should we be spending it together or am I wrong to think this way? On one hand I totally get wanting to spend it with family since he didn’t get to last year, but I just don’t see an issue with wanting to feel included 😕 What do you all think?

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38 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You've only been an official couple for 4 months.  He may feel it's too soon to introduce you to his family (and I would agree).  OR, he may feel the relationship is too new for YOU to see HIS family.  Maybe there's a family member who embarrasses him or something and he's not wanting you to see them yet.  You might not care but maybe he does.

To give you a quick example of why I feel it's too soon, my nephew brought his girlfriend to our Christmas family gathering a couple of years ago.  We didn't get together last year for obvious reasons but this year we did.  I already knew he and his girlfriend had broken up several months ago.  My cousin asked my nephew in front of everyone "So where's that girlfriend you brought with you last time?  Are you two still together?"  And my nephew said no.  And my cousin said "So did she break up with you?  She broke your heart?"  And my nephew had to say yes, she did.  Super awkward and embarrassing for him.  And shame on my cousin for asking that in front of the entire family.

Can you make plans with your family or a friend?  You and your boyfriend can facetime at midnight to exchange a virtual kiss.

And you're not "wrong" to have feelings.  Feelings are what they are.  There aren't "right" or "wrong".  You and your boyfriend just have different ideas about how to spend this upcoming holiday.

Maybe so. It just bothers me one of the first things he said to me on the day we started dating was “you know, my nephews could use a good aunt.” Not sure how that’s supposed to work out if I never even meet them. 
 

I don’t really know many people here yet. I’ll probably just go by myself to watch the ball drop they have here in the city. He also wouldn’t even bother to do a FaceTime if he is with family. 

Edited by Anonymous185
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I dunno, I would be kinda bothered. OK, you arent together that long, maybe still doesnt want to introduce you to family, maybe he is fighting with his brother so thinks that would be ankward, those are all fine excuses. However him not making an effort would bother me. He wont see you even though you are there? He wont facetime in this digital age? It kinda shows lack of effort from his side. That is why I think you should have maybe organize something outside of him. And not to rely that much on his side and effort. 

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Does he always do NYE with family as opposed to going out on the town or to a friend's party? I would feel differently if he wasn't spending it with family and didn't invite you to join him either just the two of you or to an outing/gathering.  If it's a family thing I understand why 4 months might be too soon for him. 

NYE was always very, very important to me when I was dating someone. I basically went out every NYE -or stayed in with a boyfriend - for almost all of the 27 years I did so (I haven't since the year I was 8 months pregnant).  One year my boyfriend and I had recently gotten back together -sort of-he was still seeing a woman I knew of and I was allowed to see others but we were getting serious again.  I was so nervous that he wouldn't ask to spend NYE with me.  He did but more last minute.  It stressed me out and I can relate to your concerns!  

Another year I actually did meet the parents of a guy I'd only been dating - not yet exclusively- for 2 months.  He invited me and was really into it.  They couldn't have been nicer - we went to dinner and a comedy show.  Well, guy proceeded to get really drunk (I'd never seen him drunk) - while his parents and I sipped some wine -not even tipsy.  He got all sullen and quiet/rude to me in front of his parents.  I ended it that night.  So it was good I got to see that side of him. Early on.  If he won't even FaceTime with you - you may be seeing a concerning side of him.

NYE is full of stress for newer couples depending on whether there are traditions. Sounds like he has a tradition of spending with family. I'd leave it be and don't force yourself to go out if you're not in the mood.  Get some yummy takeout and watch a movie and watch the ball drop from your couch -watch all those people freezing their behinds off lol.  Happy Holidays!

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idk. I might break up with him over this. 

If you had plans to go away together, did he just blow that plan off? Did he even try to explain or console you? Or was it cold and you're just supposed to deal with it?

Maybe you're more serious about him than he is about you? what are your feelings on that?

What are you doing to make friends on your own there? 

 

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48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Does he always do NYE with family as opposed to going out on the town or to a friend's party? I would feel differently if he wasn't spending it with family and didn't invite you to join him either just the two of you or to an outing/gathering.  If it's a family thing I understand why 4 months might be too soon for him. 

NYE was always very, very important to me when I was dating someone. I basically went out every NYE -or stayed in with a boyfriend - for almost all of the 27 years I did so (I haven't since the year I was 8 months pregnant).  One year my boyfriend and I had recently gotten back together -sort of-he was still seeing a woman I knew of and I was allowed to see others but we were getting serious again.  I was so nervous that he wouldn't ask to spend NYE with me.  He did but more last minute.  It stressed me out and I can relate to your concerns!  

Another year I actually did meet the parents of a guy I'd only been dating - not yet exclusively- for 2 months.  He invited me and was really into it.  They couldn't have been nicer - we went to dinner and a comedy show.  Well, guy proceeded to get really drunk (I'd never seen him drunk) - while his parents and I sipped some wine -not even tipsy.  He got all sullen and quiet/rude to me in front of his parents.  I ended it that night.  So it was good I got to see that side of him. Early on.  If he won't even FaceTime with you - you may be seeing a concerning side of him.

NYE is full of stress for newer couples depending on whether there are traditions. Sounds like he has a tradition of spending with family. I'd leave it be and don't force yourself to go out if you're not in the mood.  Get some yummy takeout and watch a movie and watch the ball drop from your couch -watch all those people freezing their behinds off lol.  Happy Holidays!

I’m not sure. I know last year he spent it with his ex of about a year and a half but that’s because he was on the complete opposite side of the US from his family I assume. 
 

Thank you for your reply. It was helpful  🙂

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Just now, Anonymous185 said:

I’m 29. He’s 37. 

Well, that's a little weird then. 

If you were 13 or 14 (or even 18 with really strict parents!), I could understand. But if you're in your 20s or 30s, I don't get it... Are his parents are visiting from another country? Is someone really sick? Is he a cold fish?

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15 minutes ago, Lambert said:

idk. I might break up with him over this. 

If you had plans to go away together, did he just blow that plan off? Did he even try to explain or console you? Or was it cold and you're just supposed to deal with it?

Maybe you're more serious about him than he is about you? what are your feelings on that?

What are you doing to make friends on your own there? 

 

No he didn’t try to blow it off. He tried to schedule it for another day, but I said I was busy and we could just do it another time. It was just cold. I’m not sure if he knew it bothered me since it was over text. 
 

I mean it’s possible I guess. He was the one that started the whole relationship with “you know, my nephews could use a good aunt.” So I assumed that meant he would involve me more with his family. Apparently not. 
 

I’ve made friends while I’m in med school but a lot of them went home for break and don’t really know them well enough to spend NYE with them. I’m older than most of them so things are a little different. 

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2 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, that's a little weird then. 

If you were 13 or 14 (or even 18 with really strict parents!), I could understand. But if you're in your 20s or 30s, I don't get it... Are his parents are visiting from another country? Is someone really sick? Is he a cold fish?

He lived in CA for 12 years until he moved here and his mom is in town from NY, so much closer and I know they didn’t get to see each other much because of the distance. 

Edited by Anonymous185
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1 minute ago, Anonymous185 said:

his mom is in town from NY

Ok, well that sheds a little more light on things...but not much, to be honest. New Year's Eve is two weeks away. My family lives far, too. But one week is plenty of time for us to catch up. Too much time, actually. In fact, there's a famous saying that guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.

So, I still don't get it.

5 minutes ago, Anonymous185 said:

I’m not sure if he knew it bothered me since it was over text. 

Here's an opportunity to do some thinking. Do you want a partner who considers your feelings when he makes decisions, or is it ok for your partner to be oblivious?

7 minutes ago, Anonymous185 said:

He was the one that started the whole relationship with “you know, my nephews could use a good aunt.” So I assumed that meant he would involve me more with his family.

That is a line if I ever saw one. And yeah, the point was to give you the impression that he was a family-oriented guy looking for a family-oriented girl. Don't forget, talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. 

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16 minutes ago, Anonymous185 said:

 

I mean it’s possible I guess. He was the one that started the whole relationship with “you know, my nephews could use a good aunt.” So I assumed that meant he would involve me more with his family. Apparently not

You've mentioned this twice as a sign of his commitment to you.  Maybe I don't understand but it sounds like a flip joke and not a serious statement, as one would use when expressing their intentions or committing to someone. 

But overall sounds like you're not in the same page.  he doesnt know you are hurt about the trip or that you upset about not spending it together. 

At your ages, it's not crazy to bring a date (even if you don't announce your exclusive to his family) especially on NYE.

I'd have an honest conversation about what you were expecting. You might get disappointed but it's better than holding on to a guy that's not that into you. 

Edited by Lambert
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Wow. Before I read your ages, I thought he was more likely a clueless 22 year old. I hope you didn't move to the particular town you're living in now just for him. NYE with family? I'd venture to guess he has a date with another woman. 

Pay attention to his past relationship history. Doesn't sound too promising from what you've written. Did he even care to ask what you'll be doing that night? This is supposed to be the honeymoon stage when hormones are running wild, when people are often at their best. If this is his best, it doesn't bode well. It's up to you if you want to see what the next few months look like with him putting in effort and showing you how special you are to him. If it's lacking, best to make an exit before you waste anymore time.

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This has only been since August?  I say to not rush things with him. ( has only been 4 months).

Is he coming your way to see you for Xmas?  Then be happy with that much!

No, hardly ever did I meet my bf's family right away.  Things take time and sounds like you want him to be there with you & for you any time he has a moment.

So, how about you just calm down a little n be happy you will see him at sometime thru the holidays.

You'll see, in time whether this will work out for you two.  And if he has any doubt, you will see this soon enough as well, as they lag in communication & interest. Also, will continue to avoid introducing their dates to their families - so, just take things easy & give him time.

 

 

 

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I find it odd because -this is me judging! -but unless this was a tradition like Thanksgiving or Christmas (or whatever holiday someone celebrates) or it was mom's bday, etc I would think any parent would be thrilled to hear their 37 year old son had a new girlfriend to have a romantic NYE with.  Or he could compromise and have NY day brunch with family.

  I think it's fine what he said about nephew -it's a throwaway goofy line I've heard a lot like that early on and I never took it to mean anything about our future.  I've even been asked for my ring size on a first date, stuff like that.  

If he's 37 it's fine if he is not ready to introduce you to family - not fine that he's picking family for that one night he could spend with you.  

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I can't imagine if someone was really into you, they would be ok with the idea of you spending NYE alone.

It's not like it's a formal sitdown dinner (assuming)  He couldn't bring you and introduce you as his new friend and keep it casual?

Either way, go make your own fabulous plans.  It remains to be seen what his mindframe is.  He could just be that clueless.  Not sure why tension between he and his brother has anything to do with you, unless there is more to the story.

Just ride this out.  The answer on how to handle this will present itself sooner than later.

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