New Year’s Eve Bomb?

[lostandhurt]

Wow!  You meet a guy that is close to his family and wants to spend time with them when he probably hasn't seen them much in the last year and a half and you are upset about it.

  He tried to reschedule because he already had plans with his family.  If you reverse this and came here and asked "I have been dating a guy for 4 months long distance and he had plans with his family for NYE but cancelled them 2 weeks before so he could come see me, do you think that was the right thing to do?  Will his family have ill feelings towards me because of this?"

  It has been 4 months, his mom is coming to town to see her son, he tried to reschedule and has been solid the whole time you have know him so why are you butt hurt over what is just another day that happens each year? 

 I don't imagine that you are so fragile that spending NYE alone is going to crush you and he has yet to say he will not face time you or call you or anything.  For some people meeting the family is no big deal, for others it is huge.

  Hopefully this time with his family will allow him to patch things up with his brother so when you do meet him it will be comfortable and fun, not awkward and tense. 

 Breaking up over this or even giving that a thought is presumptuous.

  Lost

PS Calling it a bomb in your title leads me to believe you have already decided this is a huge deal to you like he had plans with you but cancelled to see his family which is not what happened here.

[Anonymous185]

12 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Wow!  You meet a guy that is close to his family and wants to spend time with them when he probably hasn't seen them much in the last year and a half and you are upset about it.

  He tried to reschedule because he already had plans with his family.  If you reverse this and came here and asked "I have been dating a guy for 4 months long distance and he had plans with his family for NYE but cancelled them 2 weeks before so he could come see me, do you think that was the right thing to do?  Will his family have ill feelings towards me because of this?"

  It has been 4 months, his mom is coming to town to see her son, he tried to reschedule and has been solid the whole time you have know him so why are you butt hurt over what is just another day that happens each year? 

 I don't imagine that you are so fragile that spending NYE alone is going to crush you and he has yet to say he will not face time you or call you or anything.  For some people meeting the family is no big deal, for others it is huge.

  Hopefully this time with his family will allow him to patch things up with his brother so when you do meet him it will be comfortable and fun, not awkward and tense. 

 Breaking up over this or even giving that a thought is presumptuous.

  Lost

PS Calling it a bomb in your title leads me to believe you have already decided this is a huge deal to you like he had plans with you but cancelled to see his family which is not what happened here.

Well, we kind of did have plans. I rearranged my plans because I thought we were doing our trip then. I had mentioned to him last week about taking our trip NYE and day, and he didn’t say there would be a problem with it. All he said was his mom would still be in town, “but that there wasn’t any kind of rush on when she had to leave to go back.” I don’t plan on breaking up with him at all. 

[Lambert]

OP,

I find this thread super interesting.  It seems there are two camps.... One thinks your expectations are too high for only dating for 4 months.  The other thinks it's a bad sign for only dating 4 months.  

I feel like a lot of my advice on here, I am a regular responder, is to always look within.  If you don't think this a big deal for only dating 4 months, then it's not.

You say you have no intentions at all to break up with him.  Then I guess, in your shoes, there is no problem. Or there is a problem but he's better no than no boyfriend.  I just hope you aren't selling yourself short because I tend to think a person that doesn't mind being dissed on NYE (and I say this knowing, at one point in my life I was that person) be prepared to be dissed on other things that feel like a "bomb" to you.

You probably deserve better.  Even if NYE is no big deal.  Making sure you are happy is.... 

[Capricorn3]

It's only 4 months.  There seems to be some tension within his family so totally understandable that he doesn't particularly want you to be witness to that (imo). Let him spend this time with his family/mom.  For me, it's much ado about nothing, but then again, I am rather weird that way and my thinking is way different to most people.  (I also think NYE is overrated.  I usually go to bed and read a book, lol).

[boltnrun]

If it's meant to be, one NYE 4 months in won't matter. Especially since he's spending it with his mom. I presume she's in her early to mid 60s so he probably wants time with her while he still can.

Have you asked him to FaceTime you at midnight?

[Anonymous185]

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

OP,

I find this thread super interesting.  It seems there are two camps.... One thinks your expectations are too high for only dating for 4 months.  The other thinks it's a bad sign for only dating 4 months.  

I feel like a lot of my advice on here, I am a regular responder, is to always look within.  If you don't think this a big deal for only dating 4 months, then it's not.

You say you have no intentions at all to break up with him.  Then I guess, in your shoes, there is no problem. Or there is a problem but he's better no than no boyfriend.  I just hope you aren't selling yourself short because I tend to think a person that doesn't mind being dissed on NYE (and I say this knowing, at one point in my life I was that person) be prepared to be dissed on other things that feel like a "bomb" to you.

You probably deserve better.  Even if NYE is no big deal.  Making sure you are happy is.... 

Thank you. He surprised me tonight with an offer to take a trip about an hour away to go look at Christmas lights and grab some coffee/dessert before I leave out of town on Wednesday. The only thing he really mentioned was his brothers were arguing over where the family was spending NYE since Christmas will be hosted at one or the other. I just let it go and told him my plans. We had a nice evening. We worked out another weekend to go on the trip we were going to take. I’m just going to chalk it up to they are enjoying it as a family this year. If we are still together by this time next year and the story hasn’t changed, I’ll take it from there. I just hope I don’t regret this. He does treat me well and so far has appeared to be honest with me. Maybe he just doesn’t want to put all the pressure on me with meeting everyone at one time and it would just be a mess? He knows I’ve had a lot of stress from med school. 

[Anonymous185]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

If it's meant to be, one NYE 4 months in won't matter. Especially since he's spending it with his mom. I presume she's in her early to mid 60s so he probably wants time with her while he still can.

Have you asked him to FaceTime you at midnight?

That’s how I’m just going to see it. What’s one NYE if we end up working out for good? Now, come next year and we still aren’t together for it, then it will be a different story. 
 

No I didn’t ask him when I saw him tonight. I feel like the FaceTime thing should be something he would want to do if he considers me at all, not something I should have to ask for. I guess it is what it is at this point. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Anonymous185 said:

I just hope I don’t regret this.

Look, it's only been four months in. There's nothing to regret. Just make sure you do what's right for you.

[Batya33]

From your update -IMHO -I think he is being as thoughtful as he can be and sounds like some family drama got in the way. He's making a real effort to spend time with you and holiday time.  I would put aside the NYE disappointment and see what happens closer to the 6-8 month time period.  (which hmmmm will be around Valentines Day....)

[Tinydance]

Well one thing that really stood out to me from your post is that it kind of sounds like you're lonely and maybe relying on your boyfriend too much for company and to have plans on New Year's Eve. Which is actually understandable because you don't really know anyone in this new city yet and I totally get that spending New Year's Eve alone isn't that nice. But then again, I know people who actually don't really care about New Year's Eve and spend it alone or very low key by choice.

I was actually just talking to my best friend on the phone and she's been dating a guy she really likes for a couple of months. My group of friends actually booked a restaurant and bar for New Year's Eve in advance because it's hard to get into places due to COVID, etc. and just really busy on NYE in general. My best friend told me that this guy already had plans to spend NYE with his sister and her family. His sister was stuck in the US due to COVID (we're in Australia) and now that she's back, he really wants to spend NYE with her. My best friend didn't seem bothered by this mainly because I guess she has her own plans with her own friends. 

I guess it's a bit weird that a 37-year-old man is spending NYE with his family but the guy my friend is dating is actually also 37 and doing exactly the same thing lol I guess everyone is different and some people don't think anything wrong of being with family on NYE rather than friends.

To me it seems that the main problem is that you actually don't have any plans and you're going to be by yourself. That's why it upsets you that your boyfriend didn't ask you to join him. The reason for that might be that you haven't been together that long yet so he may feel that it's too early to introduce you to his family. On the other hand if he knows you're going to be alone then yeah you'd think he'd invite you just so that you're not on your own. But it's a bit of an awkward situation because it's not just his group of friends, it's family. So being introduced to them is more serious.

I'm just thinking if I was alone on NYE, maybe I'd still try to treat myself and have a nice time. You could go to the cinema and see a movie, go out for dinner or order some Uber Eats. You could drink some champagne and watch some rom coms or something lol I usually don't mind doing all sorts of things on my own, but I'm not sure how you feel about it....

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Anonymous185 said:

I feel like the FaceTime thing should be something he would want to do if he considers me at all, not something I should have to ask for. I guess it is what it is at this point. 

This is a dangerous path to go down. Refusing to ask for what you want because you think he "should" know what you want or "should" want the same thing you want. "Should" almost always fails. He's not a mind reader and he's not bad or wrong if he doesn't think of it himself.

If you want to FaceTime, ask him!

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is a dangerous path to go down. Refusing to ask for what you want because you think he "should" know what you want or "should" want the same thing you want. "Should" almost always fails. He's not a mind reader and he's not bad or wrong if he doesn't think of it himself.

If you want to FaceTime, ask him!

I wouldn’t ask him to FaceTime while he’s with his family. Let him have his family time. 

[tattoobunnie]

Those who don't ring in the new year together, do not stay together.  Honestly, he can just say to your family that you are a friend, and have you over. When my hubs and I were dating, I told him that when he wasn't planning on coming because he didn't think it was a big deal.  And boy did he jump to drive down (we were 3 hours long distance at the time) after hearing that.  10 years married now.  If you don't ever fuss, they won't know any different.  I'd huff on this.

[greendots]

I've been thinking about your situation for a bit.

So, he's tied down with family on NYE and it may be too soon to introduce you to them. He may be even shielding you from having to spend time with them. Who knows.

BUT - where do you fit in his 'festive season' schedule? Even though it's only been 4 months, how much of a priority are you in his life?

These are the questions I'd be asking myself.

 

[Anonymous185]

14 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Those who don't ring in the new year together, do not stay together.  Honestly, he can just say to your family that you are a friend, and have you over. When my hubs and I were dating, I told him that when he wasn't planning on coming because he didn't think it was a big deal.  And boy did he jump to drive down (we were 3 hours long distance at the time) after hearing that.  10 years married now.  If you don't ever fuss, they won't know any different.  I'd huff on this.

How long were you all dating prior to that?

[Anonymous185]

3 hours ago, greendots said:

I've been thinking about your situation for a bit.

So, he's tied down with family on NYE and it may be too soon to introduce you to them. He may be even shielding you from having to spend time with them. Who knows.

BUT - where do you fit in his 'festive season' schedule? Even though it's only been 4 months, how much of a priority are you in his life?

These are the questions I'd be asking myself.

 

I posted an update where he did take me to do something festive yesterday. I guess time will tell if he attempts anything next week. 

[tattoobunnie]

8 hours ago, Anonymous185 said:

How long were you all dating prior to that?

Maybe two months.  Always be honest with how you feel and your needs.  If he can't handle it, he's not the right guy.

[reinventmyself]

I would ask myself, if I had other fabulous options to spend that time with my friends, would his choice bother me as much? 

If the answer was no, or not so much, I would write it off to my world possibly being too small and relying on him too much, too soon.  It might be a calling to cultivate some friendships. 

Balance is always a good thing and it shields you from feeling so vulnerable.