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Working on our Relationship


MinRhea
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I am a 23 year old girl who is in a relationship with a 23 year old boy. We attend the same University and started liking and loving each other at the same time last year, but due to some reason of his , we couldn't make it into a relationship, however this year September I asked him out and he said yes and we are dating. However, during that one year when he rejected and had decided to move on, he and I both started having feelings for another boy and girl from our class and now that we are dating, it has become a cause of our insecurity, we both become triggered when there are matters concerning them and I am going through depression so sometimes my outbursts lead to fights as well, sometimes we wonder if we will be able to make it together. On top of that ,i am a Christian and he is a Nair Hindu and my dad and his mom are conservative about their castes. We still love each other and want to take it as far this goes. Is this a right idea or do you think we should call it quits with all these issues?

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37 minutes ago, MinRhea said:

I am going through depression so sometimes my outbursts lead to fights as well, i am a Christian and he is a Nair Hindu and my dad and his mom are conservative about their castes. 

You're not compatible. You can't "work on a relationship" by yourself with someone who is not committed and instead chooses on/off nonsense.

Free yourself from this drama. Ask your parents to choose better men for your arranged marriage. He will marry someone his parents choose for him.

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I can only speak for myself, so this doesn't attempt to tell you what you 'should' do.

Either I can trust someone, or I cannot. That fact becomes clear when I'm honest with My Self.

Sure, I may WANT to trust someone who my gut tells me that I can NOT, but trying to fool myself about that becomes it's own form of torture.

Same is true the other way around. Either someone trusts me, or he does not. His behaviors will tell me clearly which is the case, and I can either suffer the anxiety of fooling myself about that, or not.

At some point with either of these scenarios, my tipping point will become apparent, and the biggest question becomes, "Is this how I want to live?"

That quality of life question supersedes all else. Some people are best loved from far away. Peace and the inspirational possibility of finding someone with whom I'll enjoy simpatico and in whom I'll have no doubts about love AND loyalty are more important to me than holding onto someone who causes me pain and distress.

As I grow older, that choice becomes easier and faster. My ability to rule out bad matches has become a no-brainer because I've built a foundational happiness solo. Trading peace and happiness and future possibilities for someone who causes me anxiety makes no sense to me.

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My sense is the love you say you feel is really the adrenaline and excitement of the drama/train wreck nature of your interactions.  You might have loving feelings but you are not compatible.  There is no "work" to do - I think you're telling yourself you're "working" on a relationship -sounds like you're working hard on making more and more excuses like "but I love him" to stay in an unhealthy interaction with this person.

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