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He texted after a year and a half and after getting married to his ex before me


JoHarvelle
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Hello everyone! So you might remember me from before. So here's the story:

This guy dated his ex for 10 months, “almost” cheated on her and told me had a hard time staying faithful to her. They had to break up because of the girl's mother. He was with me for three-and-a-half years. We were pretty serious and we intended on getting married. He broke up with me since we were having a lot of problems toward the end of our relationship. He kept asking me for sex for 7 months after the breakup (I mostly declined since I loved him and wanted a real relationship) then 6 months after the last time he asked me to come over to his place and I didn't and a year after our breakup, he got married to his ex before me. He was the one who had told me he couldn't keep in touch because there was no point and it was too hard given our history and all and now a year after his marriage he texted me after absolute no contact for about a year and a half. He told me he had a really bad dream and I was in it too. It felt so real and that he couldn't resist reaching out. He wanted to see how I was doing… I replied coldly but politely that I was fine and thanked him for checking and he didn't say anything further.

So I was wondering, why on earth did he reach out? Was it just an excuse?

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1 hour ago, JoHarvelle said:

So I was wondering, why on earth did he reach out? Was it just an excuse?

I think you answered to yourself

1 hour ago, JoHarvelle said:

He kept asking me for sex for 7 months after the breakup (I mostly declined since I loved him and wanted a real relationship) then 6 months after the last time he asked me to come over to his place and I didn't

so yes, just an excuse for sex. I dunno if he was unfaithfull to you, but any person who says "I have a hard time to stay faithful" probably is unfaithful by default. His wife wouldnt stop him to budge other people, such as ex girlfriends, for getting some. So, if you dont want that, just block him. 

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3 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

So I was wondering, why on earth did he reach out? Was it just an excuse?

He’s an impulsive man of poor judgment who reached out to you because he had a bad dream one night while married to his wife.

Does this seem appropriate to you? 

I think he reached out because that’s who he is, an impulsive person. He dreams up something and reacts to it in a knee jerk fashion. I don’t think individuals who do things like this are happy with themselves. They can’t see how their actions have a ripple effect and are only totally and completely consumed by their own impulses.

 

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His behavior caused you to put effort into writing on a forum. Don't let other people from your past who no longer matter have any effect on you. That's living a passive life where you act like you have no control. Block his number. Does it really matter why a jerk does what he does? Do you really want to expend any brain power on a doofus? If you do, that makes you a doofus, too.

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Although this might be hard to read, he didn't do it because he loves and misses you so much.  He did it because you "mostly declined" but probably did agree a few times to have casual, uncommitted sex with him.  And he likely wants more.  Why not, if he can get you to say yes sometimes?  

Block his number and don't give in to temptation to unblock him or to check his social media.  I'm sure you want better for yourself than to be the plaything of a married man.

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There are people in the world that really have no idea what they are doing in life. They seem to only be able to function in life thru drama. They create drama in order to cope with whatever it is they can't face. 

Who knows why he did this. There is endless list of possible reasons. None are good or loving or actually mean anything other than he is unstable. A dream was so real he had to reach out. 

P-lease! talk about manipulative opening lines. Stated to instantly make an intimate connection. Gross.

You should be asking yourself why did you respond? And that is not to shame you but to cast a light on the part of you that needs to heal or be loved and accepted more. 

You're not willing to turn your back on him. Which is the healthy response. People who hurt you should not have access to you. That is a boundary you should have. 

This guy is a mess..  leave him to it.  As @Wiseman2 said look into how he can contact you and remove them. 

 

 

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7 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

So I was wondering, why on earth did he reach out? Was it just an excuse?

Self absorption. "I" had a dream, so YOU should cater to my brain fart.

Sorry to sound dismissive, but I just don't find anything impressive about a guy who'd tell a new girl that he has trouble remaining faithful to his current relationship.

That's like saying, "I openly own the capacity to be self-serving and disloyal, so do you want to be my GF?"

Ick.

Sounds like you both had a love affair with HIM.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
Posted (edited)
On 12/18/2021 at 8:46 PM, catfeeder said:

Self absorption. "I" had a dream, so YOU should cater to my brain fart.

 

Sounds like you both had a love affair with HIM.

 

 

That's exactly what struck me. "I couldn't resist reaching out." I felt like it came out of a selfish place. And honestly that kinda makes me happy. Like if he has done this out of anything but good will, makes me feel like I had every right to feel insecure in that relationship and I just didn't trust my gut feeling enough to act on it.

 

A love affair? His wife and I with him you mean?

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well you haven't reached a stage in your life where you can completely ignore him and don't feel like wasting your energy thinking about his intentions. Think about what stopping you from doing so and work on closing that to move forward with hope.

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On 1/5/2022 at 12:53 PM, Spawn said:

well you haven't reached a stage in your life where you can completely ignore him and don't feel like wasting your energy thinking about his intentions. Think about what stopping you from doing so and work on closing that to move forward with hope.

It's just that I still have questions on my mind. Like, if he never loved me, how come he waited for a year to sleep with me because I wasn't ready to do it (I was a virgin and we live in a conservative country). These unresolved questions make it harder not to think about it every once in a while to be honest.

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18 minutes ago, JoHarvelle said:

It's just that I still have questions on my mind. Like, if he never loved me, how come he waited for a year to sleep with me because I wasn't ready to do it (I was a virgin and we live in a conservative country). These unresolved questions make it harder not to think about it every once in a while to be honest.

So what will you do if you never get "answers" to your questions? Hold onto him forever?

Of course not. You can tell yourself "he made the choices he made and so did I. It's in the past and no longer relevant to my life."

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its tough situation, when you get involved and then everything just stops, takes time, effort to make sense of loads of things but meanwhile be kind , patient on yourself , keep yourself engaged with some activities, friends, work, your personal growth etc. Sharing some good read hoping it will help

https://medium.com/personal-growth/how-to-move-forward-when-you-dont-have-closure-332be3f7d921

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On 1/6/2022 at 3:53 PM, JoHarvelle said:

Like, if he never loved me, how come he waited for a year to sleep with me because I wasn't ready to do it (I was a virgin and we live in a conservative country).

Have you considered that it may be something as sordid as the fact that he liked the challenge of scoring sex with a virgin in a conservative country? It's pretty distasteful, but some people are sleazy like that. Just look at how he is behaving towards his wife. 

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20 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Have you considered that it may be something as sordid as the fact that he liked the challenge of scoring sex with a virgin in a conservative country? It's pretty distasteful, but some people are sleazy like that. Just look at how he is behaving towards his wife. 

Well yeah, that's also possible but he stayed for a long time afterwards. I think he's just unstable. But let's say he was right, that I nagged a lot, that I never believed his love for me, that I was insecure and nothing he did was ever enough and I kept complaining. If I were like this, does it justify any of what he did?

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2 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

Well yeah, that's also possible but he stayed for a long time afterwards.

Be careful not to assign too much meaning to it. He's shown you that he's quite a self-serving person. Staying "a long time afterwards" is out out of line with that. Maybe he was enjoying himself and felt like staying. 

2 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

But let's say he was right, that I nagged a lot, that I never believed his love for me, that I was insecure and nothing he did was ever enough and I kept complaining. If I were like this, does it justify any of what he did?

Do you mean does it justify what he did in your relationship? I don't know. What did he do in your relationship? 

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2 hours ago, JoHarvelle said:

Well yeah, that's also possible but he stayed for a long time afterwards. I think he's just unstable. But let's say he was right, that I nagged a lot, that I never believed his love for me, that I was insecure and nothing he did was ever enough and I kept complaining. If I were like this, does it justify any of what he did?

You’ve answered your own questions and then turned around to question instability. There’s no point questioning instability or the whys of it. He’s unstable. It’s best to accept that.

It doesn’t mean he was unfeeling. There’s a good chance he felt something for you but an unstable mind isn’t going to respond to situations the same way you do. 

I think part of letting go is also appreciating what you felt for that person and acknowledging your experience while with them. If he was the first person you had sex with for example and you have good memories cherish those memories and move forwards. It’s quite damaging to keep second guessing someone else’s intentions towards you or experience recurring conflict like this. 

Let go. It takes time but let time do all the work. 

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 12/18/2021 at 7:00 PM, boltnrun said:

Although this might be hard to read, he didn't do it because he loves and misses you so much.  He did it because you "mostly declined" but probably did agree a few times to have casual, uncommitted sex with him.  And he likely wants more.  Why not, if he can get you to say yes sometimes?  

I just noticed this. That was back when he wasn't married though. Right after the breakup. He knows how much fidelity means to me. Half of our problems was because he had told me he had almost cheated on his ex!

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On 1/11/2022 at 2:44 PM, Jibralta said:

 

Do you mean does it justify what he did in your relationship? I don't know. What did he do in your relationship? 

I meant the stuff he did after our breakup like keep asking me for sex even though I had told him it only confused and hurt me and pushing me to do it both mentally and physically (twice when we met). It's not that I didn't want to but I knew it wasn't a good idea.

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On 1/11/2022 at 6:14 AM, Jibralta said:
On 1/11/2022 at 3:28 AM, JoHarvelle said:

But let's say he was right, that I nagged a lot, that I never believed his love for me, that I was insecure and nothing he did was ever enough and I kept complaining. If I were like this, does it justify any of what he did?

Do you mean does it justify what he did in your relationship? I don't know. What did he do in your relationship? 

18 minutes ago, JoHarvelle said:

I meant the stuff he did after our breakup like keep asking me for sex even though I had told him it only confused and hurt me and pushing me to do it both mentally and physically (twice when we met). It's not that I didn't want to but I knew it wasn't a good idea.

No. You nagging and doubting doesn't mean that you deserve to have your feelings dismissed. In fact, based on what you've written about him, I wonder if you were nagging and doubting because your feelings were dismissed. 

However, you should examine your own actions here--and I think you are starting to do it by asking all of these questions about why he did what he did. But the bigger question is why did you stay with someone who you didn't understand, and who was so dismissive of you? What is so great about someone like that?

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