Should I reach out again or let it go?

[Lostineternity1987]

This person and I met about 3 years ago on Tinder. We had this amazing chemistry and had funny and great conversations via text. I kind of delayed meeting up with him in person because I got my heartbroken only recently before I registered on Tinder and he would have been my first Tinder date. He still kept contact in about 2 month later we met and it was all I could have wished for. The chemistry was just mind-blowing. We hooked up, which I definitely did not intend to do on the first date but things can happen. I was still not a hundred per cent over that other person and again delayed meeting up with him. Every time we met, it was just perfect. After a couple of dates and hooking up again, he even asked me if we are no officially a thing. I did not know how to react and made a little bit fun of him. We kept in touch but due to both our lives being rather busy, we did not meet up again and to be honest I was not ready for him because I was still licking my wounds.

When I thought I was ready, I reached out to him again and he let me know that he found someone and is now happily in a relationship. I wished him well and did not contact him again.

At the beginning of this year, he sent me a LinkedIn request and that was it. This October I saw that he had a birthday and send him a very short happy birthday message on LinkedIn. He immediately replied on Linkedin and at the same time sent me a text saying that he still has the same number. We texted quite a bit and he asked if we could meet up for a drink. That evening was so great and we continued our conversations as if they had never stopped. I asked him if he was still in a relationship and he told me yes, but that they are having major problems and it looks like it will end. He tried to make a move but I told him that as long as he is in a relationship nothing would happen between the two of us. He needs to sort out his situation. He as his girlfriend kind of had a stalker, who would send anonymize emails and letters to both of them and saying that both of them are cheating. His girlfried was apparently always very jealous and there had lots of issues.

We then met up again and it as so great but he was still with the other woman. Then a week later, he told me that it is probably better not to see each other before he knows what is going on in his current situation.

A week later, he told me that they both ended their relationship and that even though he initiated it, he feels very down and depressed. We texted back and forth and a week after his relationship ended we met up again and hooked up, which now I know was a big mistake but it is just this amazing chemistry between us every time we meet.

After that, he rather stopped imitating conversations over text and a week later, I asked him how he was doing because he became so distant and quite. He then replied that if he is honest with me the end of the relationship affects him more then he would have thought and that it has nothing to do with me, or the fact that we hooked up again. He is very sorry for being so passive. I then replied that I understand, that I hope he feels better soon and that I am sorry that I was so overly active with texting him. He replied that there is nothing to be sorry about and that he also hopes that he feels better soon. It now has been a week without any contact.

My question to you now is, whether I should reach out again to him in a week or so to ask him how he was doing or if I should let it go. I really really like him and we just have this amazing chemistry together. It is just that the timing never seems to be right.

Some people say I should reach out and some say I should let it go. He just used me as a rebound. Isn’t it that if a guy really like you, he would chase you and that men don’t like to be chased by women?

Thank you so much for your advice on this. For context I am 34 (F) and he is 30 (M).

[KittyCAT56]

Your story resembles to many people, including me. Without the fact of hooking up. I just cant jump on someone, having intercourse without knowing for a fact we are both in love. 

I think you want this right now to work, and that is the issue of not working out. 

Try to sit back and enjoy this time on your own. Great chemistry, and good conversations are hard to find, so believe me that he will come back to you. But you need to come to terms with what you are looking for, because if you want to hook up again, you surely can do that with him a million times, but if you want to develop your connection into a life long thing, then you should wait. Let him be the one who initiates this connection, and let him lead you, and be a helper on the way when you face problems together. Because without him realizing what you have is special, you will just run around in circles, and will get heart broken too many times  before this person becomes your blessing or another mistake!

[MissCanuck]

33 minutes ago, Lostineternity1987 said:

My question to you now is, whether I should reach out again to him in a week or so to ask him how he was doing

I don't really see the point in this, to be honest. 

He has essentially already turned you down. 7 more days isn't going to change his feelings, and really, what kind of guy is he that he tried to cheat on his girlfriend with you? 

36 minutes ago, Lostineternity1987 said:

who would send anonymize emails and letters to both of them and saying that both of them are cheating. His girlfried was apparently always very jealous and there had lots of issues.

Maybe this person claiming he has cheated is right, OP.  Look what he was trying to do with you. It stands to reason you are not the only woman he tried it on with. 

And his girlfriend being jealous...well, jeez, no wonder. Her boyfriend is the type to try to hook up with other women, just as he did with you. Sounds like she had good reason to be upset.

I think you have your blinders on about this guy. He seems very shady. I would not bother messaging him again, no matter how good the sex was. He put the brakes on it, and he's kind of slimey. Aim higher for yourself. 

[Lambert]

I would not reach out. 

He was being truthful that he is not in a good place personally and any attempts to help him or whatever will only hurt you.  

Let it go. In time, if he gets over  the past and wants to be a proper boyfriend, he will let you know. 

Protect your heart and don't get wrapped up in the stories we tell ourselves about how great the chemistry is or how special it is. That only justifying a bad choice on your part. You can find better.  You deserve better.

Don't be his savior... it will only drag you down. 

[DancingFool]

OP, the guy is telling you how his gf is jealous and suspects he cheats while sitting on a date with you literally cheating on her. Come on.....connect the dots and stay away from charming creeps. He just fed you the oldest line in the book, "I'm in a relationship, but you know, it's bad, we are breaking up."

You don't even know if they really broke up or if he is stepping back because his gf is onto him too much at the moment and he is feeling blue because he is on a very short leash.

If I were you, I'd lose his number and make sure he can't contact me again.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lostineternity1987 said:

When I thought I was ready, I reached out to him again and he let me know that he found someone and is now happily in a relationship.I am 34 (F) and he is 30 (M).

Leave him alone. Move forward, but only date if you are ready to date. Don't waste other's time.

[SooSad33]

All you two have done, basically is had sex when together, yah, in a way that's using someone.

You've had no real 'dates; or actual time to get to know each other properly.

He is not in his right mind, but is messed up over 2 women.

He has admitted to you he's bothered by a lot, so do not reach out again.

He's got some self reflecting to do and some healing.

You contacting him every week will not do you any good either and it may just prolong his own healing from all of this. He is just not ready.

I suggest you  leave this alone for another cpl of months.  One needs time to work through their emotions, etc.

He cannot 'give' what he doesn't have.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

OP, the guy is telling you how his gf is jealous and suspects he cheats while sitting on a date with you literally cheating on her. Come on.....connect the dots and stay away from charming creeps. He just fed you the oldest line in the book, "I'm in a relationship, but you know, it's bad, we are breaking up."

This is such an important call out. You can see how he really is here. When having a relationship problem, he went to other women (Maybe not just you!)

A good person does not do that.  They stay loyal to fix their relationship or they at least wait till they are out of a relationship before lining up their next one.

I agree @DancingFool CREEP ALERT!

 

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Lostineternity1987 said:

Some people say I should reach out and some say I should let it go. He just used me as a rebound.

Pot meet kettle. 

3 hours ago, Lostineternity1987 said:

After a couple of dates and hooking up again, he even asked me if we are no officially a thing. I did not know how to react and made a little bit fun of him. We kept in touch but due to both our lives being rather busy, we did not meet up again and to be honest I was not ready for him because I was still licking my wounds.

I dunno where to start, with you or him. Anyway, its a very, I dont like to use that word, toxic thing. It never developed because, well, you are both not ready for a real relationship. Just cling to each other for a convenience. In a situations like that, leave it alone. And work on yourself.

[smackie9]

The sex was good because he is good at sex not because it was some magical moment. The chemistry is part of his talent and he knows this. I suspect you are not the only one he's making feel so "special". You need walk away.

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, Lostineternity1987 said:

He tried to make a move but I told him that as long as he is in a relationship...

When someone shows you that they own a capacity for disloyalty, believe it.

[Rose Mosse]

On 12/15/2021 at 4:53 AM, Lostineternity1987 said:

My question to you now is, whether I should reach out again to him in a week or so to ask him how he was doing or if I should let it go. I really really like him and we just have this amazing chemistry together. It is just that the timing never seems to be right.

Some people say I should reach out and some say I should let it go. He just used me as a rebound. Isn’t it that if a guy really like you, he would chase you and that men don’t like to be chased by women?

Thank you so much for your advice on this. For context I am 34 (F) and he is 30 (M).

No, don't reach out. Do nothing. If he reaches out to you in the future be sure the both of you are single and feeling much better. 

What major problems were they having really? Did he divulge? Having a third party try to sabotage a relationship is hardly an issue especially where there's a strong foundation or two individuals trust and care for one another. His ex had jealousy issues due to what? This particular man or because she's jealous in nature? He certainly doesn't seem to help the matter by having drinks with a woman he's hooked up with several times in the past while they're having "major problems". 

 

[reinventmyself]

On 12/15/2021 at 4:53 AM, Lostineternity1987 said:

He as his girlfriend kind of had a stalker, who would send anonymize emails and letters to both of them and saying that both of them are cheating. His girlfried was apparently always very jealous and there had lots of issues.

We then met up again and it as so great but he was still with the other woman. Then a week later, he told me that it is probably better not to see each other before he knows what's going on in his current relationship

 

HIs girlfriend has some mysterious issues with jealously, yet he's out with you?

Ultimately, I'd be really curious if there would be any foundation for a legit relationship for the both of you.   You were with him while distracted by your recent breakup.  With the exception of him still being in a relationship, he is distracted by his.  This never really got a good start free of complications.

He said he needed time to sort things out "with his current relationship".  That suggests they are still together.  Respect his request and do not reach out.  

[Andrina]

Chemistry takes zero effort. It's biological and therefore is only relevant when taking everything else in to consideration such as effort on both sides, similar dating/life goals, and other compatibilities.

But you can't even get this thing off the ground. No wonder, since you both are lacking in decency when it comes to respecting relationships. You met up romantically with a taken man, and it's irrelevant what he said about his dying relationship. And though he's unethical himself, the fact that you joined him in this showed him how you allowed yourself to be used by him, ironically making him disrespect you.

I don't know if you learned from your flakiness of years ago, but whether or not you did, you still have other areas to work on since you think you can spin gold out of ugly straw.