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Many people go through heartbreaks during their life's, and get inspired to create something out their pain. 

My love language is writing, so there would be no better way to express my feelings, rather than writing them out. 

I miss his white socks, that I never saw. 

I miss his cute robe, he always said he wrote at home.

I miss his emoji smile, as his response to my messages.

I miss his cockiness, and his self-confidence when he would say he is the best guy out there.

I miss his self control, always being polite.

I miss his small *passive aggressive* texts which would make me tip toe, not to cross his boundaries.

I guess It was love after all! A love that wasn't meant to ever come to life. A love which was meant to be experienced through internet. 

I miss the fact that I had to find out this late, that I tried to control him, rather than let him be.

-To tell him, he is free to visit me, without me wanting to give him the best experience.-

I raised standards too high, when all I had to do is let him be.

All his passions, where like I had expanded to be more than just me, but have someone do what I cant do, what I wish with all my heart to be able to do. 

That is why I was so supportive! Because I saw him as a person that I also wanted to be, maybe if I had another life. 

Maybe being so young, didn't let me see what I was doing wrong! 

Maybe it was me who pushed him away, maybe it was him being scared to open up to me, maybe it was just what he said; that he just couldn't move past my anger, that the person I became when I got that jealous, that suffocated from feelings, made me the person he doesn't feel comfortable talking to anymore. 

Lesson Learned! I need to be more opened, I cant change the past, but I can change the future, and learn from this mistake, that when I meet another boy, online or in person, I let them flourish around me without suffocating them, even thought I don't regret nothing, because I know for a fact that I liked this guy and treated him nicely, showed him where my boundaries are, and if this was a fight; our first fight to show me that what I was offering wasn't what he truly really wanted, then it was a fight to set me free for someone who can be the love of my life!

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28 minutes ago, KittyCAT56 said:

My love language is writing

First of all, writing is not a "love language". It's your hobby.

Secondly you are in "love" with a daydream you never met. 

Keep a journal about this cyber fantasy and show it to your doctors and therapists.

 Perhaps find a better outlet for your hobby.

Edited by Wiseman2
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19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This cyberfantasy was the biggest weirdo of them all. Slow down.

Talk to trusted friends and family about your rollercoaster moods, anxiety, isolation and see if you can find a therapist to help you with that.

Get involved in more productive pursuits. Work, get a second job, take more classes and courses. Volunteer.

Get involved in sports and improving your diet, fitness and health.

Strive for your future. Learn about finances and getting your own place and paying your own bills and for your own car and phone.

 Until you are stable and physically and mentally healthy you'll just keep getting involved in weirdos.

Beautifully said, Wiseman.  Merry Christmas to you!

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Feeling love and giving love in person to a person with whom you are involved with romantically in a serious relationship are not the same thing. Edited to add- it's also much easier to feel love for someone who is unavailable for a relationship like this person was - you never have to be vulnerable in the same way we all are in a romantic relationship.

Edited by Batya33
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