Think I have to leave even though I love her

[Littlerich86]

Honestly, I don't even know where to start but I'll try. I am 35 she is 36. We have been in a serious on off relationship now for just over 2 years but I honestly don't think she loves me but loves the way I treat her. 

The moment we met, it was something special for me, every word she said was like music and seeing her smile was better than any drug or feeling I have ever had. 

Over the last few years we have had a rough ride. She was talking to a lot of other guys at the time, quite normal, but one guy she kept in her back pocket. Whenever we had a fight, she'd invite him round that night, if we were on a break she'd be sexting him and after a few times I said I wanted it to stop. Eventually it did after a lot of incidents, she told me she didn't like him and he was just a friend but it was obvious from what was going on that was not and when he got a gf, it finally did stop. 

One time we had a big fight and she attempted to kill me and called the police to have me thrown out (despite the fact I was already packing my stuff to leave), the very next day she was on tinder sexting random guys, we made up but she lied to me about it and I found the photos on her phone. No remorse at all, we weren't together it's none of my business. Surely if you love someone the way she claims to, you don't do the the very night you have a fight with someone and lie about it? 

She has 2 kids, one is adorable and loving and caring and the other is, i feel bad for saying it, a spoilt brat. His behaviour is putting massive pressure on our relationship and she refuses to do anything about it. He will have a tantrum over anything he does not want to do, and it's silly things like putting his shoes on for school or sitting down to eat his dinner. He will not do anything without a fight. I have tried to talk to her, tried to sort it myself, tried to walk away and tried everything I can think of. It's 10:30pm here and he is up playing on his tablet and refuses to go to sleep and she won't take his tablet incase he has a tantrum he's 5 BTW and this is a nightly occurrence. I've tried so hard to get her to do what's right for him, but she won't. He's horrible to be around, he hits other kids out of boredom or if they're not doing what he wants, my own 2 don't want to spend time with him and it's just causing more issues. Silly things like he will say he's hungry, given dinner, refuses to eat it and then when he's in bed shouts that he hungry and she goes and gets him crisps or sweets or whatever he wants, she is making him worse

To get to the crux of it, a few months ago we had a fight and I split up with her about him and some stuff she was saying to her ex husband (he was the only good guy she'd ever been with, she'd made up lies that I had stolen money from her told him that she regrets their marriage not working out) , she then tried to kill herself. After this despite me saying I don't want to be around her son and that I was not happy with how she was treating me, I packed up my things and spent the next month at hers, waiting on her hand and foot, leaving her to sleep all day, whilst I worked from her house, did nearly all her house work for her and literally did anything I could to help her get back out of her depression whilst she spent her time doing whatever she wanted, gaming, crafting or whatever she wanted 

I am now so stressed and depressed, with all that's going on with her son, my work is incredibly stressful rn, I am piling up debt as after the fight where she tried to kill me I had to move out into my own place paying rent I cannot realistically afford and being a single man I get no help whatsoever, I am crying myself to sleep most nights and everyday is getting worse and worse but she does not want to do anything to help. 

What do I do? I love this woman immensely with all my heart, I love her other son so much, my kids love him too and like her but if I even try and talk to her, she gets defensive, will not acknowledge my feelings and is not interested in doing anything to help me when I would and have done literally anything for her. I put my job at risk to go collect her kids from school so she could have her job. 

I am on the verge of leaving her, but I really really don't want to but so I have any other choice when it's clear its never going to change? 

 

Thank you for reading at least. 

[Batya33]

"But I love her" is not a reason to stay in this unstable and potentially dangerous situation.  You know that, right?

[Kwothe28]

She is making you miserable. And honestly keeping you there just because you are useful. As soon as you stop being, she runs to other men. There is no love there. Even your claim to love is very, very wrong. She talks and probably cheats with other guys and tried to kill you. If her cheating wasnt a wake up call to leave then her literally trying to take your life away should off. And you still cling on that "But I love her" line. Again, she tried to kill you, your kids would stay without a father. There is no love there.

Take care of yourself and your kids. That is what is important. You dont need to impressionate her little helper(at the risk of your job btw) and stepdad to her kids. Not for her, not for anybody else. Especially for somebody that doesnt appreciate that and again, I cant stress it enough, tries to take away your life.

[HeartGoesOn]

She knows you always come back for more of her shenanigans.  The smartest thing you could do is to call her bluff, and send her packing.

What more does she have to do in order for you to see the light?

[boltnrun]

Is this one of those cases where she's supremely hot or the sex is porn star level?

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, Littlerich86 said:

I am now so stressed and depressed

When I'm overwhelmed I only ask myself "is this thing whatever it may be helping me grow?" If the answer is no, not really, or it did.. but it's now holding me back, it's time to bid adieu. 

You may still be in love with her but her situation isn't one that supports a loving or mutually beneficial relationship. I hope you love yourself too enough to realize that.

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, Littlerich86 said:

a few months ago we had a fight and I split up with her about him and some stuff she was saying to her ex husband (he was the only good guy she'd ever been with, she'd made up lies that I had stolen money from her told him that she regrets their marriage not working out) , she then tried to kill herself. After this despite me saying I don't want to be around her son and that I was not happy with how she was treating me, I packed up my things and spent the next month at hers, waiting on her hand and foot, leaving her to sleep all day, whilst I worked from her house, did nearly all her house work for her and literally did anything I could to help her get back out of her depression whilst she spent her time doing whatever she wanted, gaming, crafting or whatever she wanted 

This sounds like similar behaviour to her son, doesn't it?  And she enables that ( like you are enabling her behaviour).

 

6 hours ago, Littlerich86 said:

I am now so stressed and depressed, with all that's going on with her son, my work is incredibly stressful rn, I am piling up debt as after the fight where she tried to kill me I had to move out into my own place paying rent I cannot realistically afford and being a single man I get no help whatsoever, I am crying myself to sleep most nights and everyday is getting worse and worse but she does not want to do anything to help. 

Sorry, but what is it you expect her to do?  She is so incredibly unstable herself!

You need to own this and act!  To get away from everything to do with her!  Her life is making you miserable.

Geeze, has only been a couple of years and all you two have done is fight, break up, threats and on it goes... Where exactly is the stability and love that's needed in a 'healthy relationship'?

Save yourself.. seriously!  Realize you can NOT live this way... ( as for 'love', she can't and doesn't.. and I feel you are more trauma bonded at this stage).

Consider getting a roomy to help with your rent etc and get away from ALL of this!  Time to take care of yourself...

 

[Littlerich86]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Is this one of those cases where she's supremely hot or the sex is porn star level?

Something like that

2 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

This sounds like similar behaviour to her son, doesn't it?  And she enables that ( like you are enabling her behaviour).

 

Sorry, but what is it you expect her to do?  She is so incredibly unstable herself!

You need to own this and act!  To get away from everything to do with her!  Her life is making you miserable.

Geeze, has only been a couple of years and all you two have done is fight, break up, threats and on it goes... Where exactly is the stability and love that's needed in a 'healthy relationship'?

Save yourself.. seriously!  Realize you can NOT live this way... ( as for 'love', she can't and doesn't.. and I feel you are more trauma bonded at this stage).

Consider getting a roomy to help with your rent etc and get away from ALL of this!  Time to take care of yourself...

 

Think you nailed it there actually with her and her sons behaviour, never looked at it like that

 

Thank you all, this is what I was thinking but I needed to hear it from someone else as I did not want my stress levels to cloud my judgement 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Littlerich86 said:

One time we had a big fight and she attempted to kill me and called the police to have me thrown out

Stay away from each other. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get help with the drugs and alcohol. Get whatever mental health care you need.

Stop all this before you end up in jail

[boltnrun]

Is great sex worth getting murdered or going to jail? What would happen to your kids if that happened?

You do know sane women can be great at sex too, right?

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Littlerich86 said:

Thank you all, this is what I was thinking but I needed to hear it from someone else as I did not want my stress levels to cloud my judgement 

Yeah, I am pretty sure you already knew this is all wrong.. just needed to see it in front of you.

Self respect!  No one should be mistreated. A LOT of negatives stick out, don't they?

And for 'your love' to threaten to kill you? etc.  NO.

You remove yourself from the whole thing - totally.

No more contact, nothing.  Just be done.

And as I mentioned, self respect.  Learn now what a person does deserve ( respect & proper treatment).  All this would do is damage someone. 😕 

 

[Littlerich86]

51 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, I am pretty sure you already knew this is all wrong.. just needed to see it in front of you.

Self respect!  No one should be mistreated. A LOT of negatives stick out, don't they?

And for 'your love' to threaten to kill you? etc.  NO.

You remove yourself from the whole thing - totally.

No more contact, nothing.  Just be done.

And as I mentioned, self respect.  Learn now what a person does deserve ( respect & proper treatment).  All this would do is damage someone. 😕 

 

Love makes you do stupid things and not see things clearly 

If it had just been a threat it might not have affected me as much as it did, it was an actual attempt on my life a week before we were due to get married and only a few weeks after I'd moved in with her 

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Is great sex worth getting murdered or going to jail? What would happen to your kids if that happened?

You do know sane women can be great at sex too, right?

Haha I hope so, no it's not worth it and I should have walked away a long time ago but idk why I couldn't see it clearly 

 

I left her today, going through an emotional roller-coaster rn but I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stay away from each other. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get help with the drugs and alcohol. Get whatever mental health care you need.

Stop all this before you end up in jail

No drugs or alcohol my friend, ex junky and alchy before I had kids but yeah you're right time for me to find myself again, maybe should not have said the word drug when I described it, everyday has been a fight to not go back but I don't as I want better for my kids

 

Thank you all, I hope that one day I can help you all too. First experience with this forum and you guys have made me feel welcome and able to talk freely 

[SooSad33]

22 minutes ago, Littlerich86 said:

Love makes you do stupid things and not see things clearly 

If it had just been a threat it might not have affected me as much as it did, it was an actual attempt on my life a week before we were due to get married and only a few weeks after I'd moved in with her 

True, it can.. 

Aren't you glad you got a real taste of her toxic behaviour, BEFORE you married it?

Anyways, No, threats are not acceptable, either is disrespect, controlling behaviour etc.

 

[DancingFool]

22 minutes ago, Littlerich86 said:

No drugs or alcohol my friend, ex junky and alchy before I had kids but yeah you're right time for me to find myself again, maybe should not have said the word drug when I described it, everyday has been a fight to not go back but I don't as I want better for my kids

 

Consider that the extreme highs and lows of a toxic relationship and a mentally unstable partner (putting it politely) is addictive and actually mimic the highs and lows of drugs. Not saying this to be mean but to make you aware that the reason you feel that intense attraction is more akin to addiction than love and perhaps there is a sense of familiarity there you are not fully aware of.

For your kids' sake, you've got to leave and stay away forever. You've done it before, you can do it now. What would happen to your children if she succeeded in killing you or may succeed if you continue? Let that thought keep you strong and going in the right direction. They need you and you need to protect them.

[bluecastle]

Sorry to hear about all this.

But also? Very happy—for you, your spirit, and your children—to hear that you've made the hard decision to walk away from the fire. Sticking to that's not going to be easy, as you don't need me to tell you that habits, even ones very bad for us, can be tough to break. So stick around on the forum and talk when needed. 

At the risk of overstepping, I can't help but wonder if what you found in her was something similar to what you once found with drugs and booze: the lure of the rush, the whiplash from extreme highs to extreme lows, an all consuming escape from reality, the explicable sweetness of rolling the dice with your own life, or some such. Stepping further out onto the same limb, I wonder if some deep-seeded part of you feels you deserve to be punished—either due to those long ago choices you made, or perhaps those choices (drugs, etc.) quenched that same feeling—since the relationship you've described is kind of a case study in redefining punishment as love. 

Anyhow, I offer that riff not to be taken as factual—I don't know you, after all, but just to spur some reflection. If you can come to see all this from a different angle—one that's not about the crazy things we do for love, but about how some crazy stuff inside us (and we've all got it!) can lead us down some strange paths if we don't have a handle on it—you have a better chance of walking away and staying away.  Chalking it all up to love-is-crazy, on the other hand, risks keeping you rooted in the same spot, vulnerable to repeat versions of this, since you're a human being and we're all wired to want and seek and love.

The key is redefining it. Simply put: it's not a word to keep leaning on when it comes to someone who has tried to end your life. Might be something worth reminding yourself of, here and there, during these hard and destabilizing days. 

 

 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, Littlerich86 said:

Love makes you do stupid things and not see things clearly

No it doesn't.  You choose how to react to all of your feelings including loving feelings.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No it doesn't.  You choose how to react to all of your feelings including loving feelings.

Also, it's important to explore why a woman who literally attempted to murder you inspires love in you and why you continue to be sexually attracted to a woman who did this.

And yes, sane, stable women enjoy sex. You'd be surprised. Maybe try it sometime.