I'm always worried about feeling validated and wanted, and it ruins my day.

[anon4108]

Hi

Posting here after 5 years! My previous post was this one and I talked about self esteem issues there. (Thanks to everyone that helped out there, esp @catfeeder) Firstly, I'm glad to share that a couple of years ago I completely, truly got over a bunch of those issues - I do not feel an unhealthy level of need to be great/ famous (while still being ambitious) and more importantly, I'm able to enjoy doing "normal people" things like playing video games, reading a book, chores etc without judging myself for it or feeling inferior or guilty during it. I'm continuously proud and happy about the latter one (and even a little surprised that I don't suffer from it anymore tbh!)

While I got over those specific instances, they were related to a need for validation, and unfortunately I still feel that in different forms - to feel liked by, and thought of by people in general, and insecure about all those things. While those are reasonable things to want, the unreasonable part is I DO have them (good number of close friends etc) and I still worry about it all the time.

For context, I'm an introverted person and I like to spend time by myself. This obviously sets a precedent, and people give you that space because you've suggested that's what you want. Basically - it's different from the "popular" person's life, which involves a lot of energy put into socializing constantly. It's a high priority for them. I definitely wouldn't enjoy that life, but it feels like I want the "reward" (everyone constantly wanting me in some way) without paying the "price" (putting in the energy and making socializing a priority over, say, solo personal projects)

A couple of things/ incidents prompted me to finally get it out and write this post -

1) Notifications - I have this terrible habit of checking my phone constantly to see if there's any message from anyone (while working on my desk) I pick it up, look at it and see that there's ZERO notifications ("no one thinking of me") feel disappointed, put the phone away and get back to work. 10 minutes later, I do this again and it continues and gets worse every time I see a blank phone.

Now, I do receive texts from friends, daily, either sharing a link, or memes, or just talking about common interests. But there are fallow periods and fallow days right? This should be totally fine. At the same time, whenever I'm with any other person, I see their phone constantly blowing up with notifications, and a dozen or more unread messages. I do have such days too, when I have a bunch of texts from different friends. I just feel it's lesser relatively (which ties into what I said earlier about being an introvert - of course it's going to be lesser because people probably assume I don't want to be disturbed etc)

But this feeds my main insecurity or my need - Unreasonably, I want people to often think of me, text me etc. Or in other words, when I go the majority of the day without getting that - I get thoughts like "nobody likes/ wants/ cares about me".

Which, honestly, is untrue. Apart from family, I have 2-3 different friends circles that I'm close to (though I can't meet them as I've moved) Apart from that I also have at least 5 separate super close friends that I can share pretty much anything with (one lives where I do, others are in a different place but we text) But my phone isn't blowing up and I place unnecessary weight on that.

2) Dating - So for most of this year, I've been going on a couple of dates every month. It's been through apps, mostly casual (haven't met anyone to consider serious with yet) I'm at a stage now where I'm looking for something serious, as I'm getting older.

This is pretty messed up maybe but, around June a close friend met someone he really likes through an app, and they've been dating seriously since then. When he told us in a group chat about it, and gushed about her, it really messed me up. And when he'd say he was gonna meet her, or that she'd be coming over during the weekend, it would ruin my weekend. Terrible, I know. But it somehow just flares my insecurity even more.

Around October I sort of got over it - their thing became a normal fact in life. Yesterday, another close friend posted a photo on social media with someone he's met. Basically the same feelings as last time. Though much, much lesser in intensity - I've done some hard work to not be so affected by this stuff - it's still affected my mood and combined with today being a day where all day I had zero notifications, it just showed me in a not-as-cool light and flared up all my insecurities. Both these women are pretty btw, I guess that's relevant.

There's a quote that I'm reminded of nowadays "Every time a friend succeeds, I die a little". Interestingly, this envy seems to only be related to dating, not other fields.

All of this is such a waste of time and energy! As mentioned in the 4 years ago post, I make games for a living and it's since been going quite well. I would love to focus all my energy and creativity on making more cool stuff, but many times I find myself avoiding work because I'm feeling terrible about all the above.

I have a first date with someone tomorrow, and since seeing that photo yesterday, I've been stressing about what I'll do if she cancels it. I'm also putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on hoping it's a good one, and hoping that she's the one. (This is of course not good) I need to also be with someone great like my friends - my brain says.

Negativity, staying alone, and too much time for dumb thoughts:

So around May this year I moved into a place of my own. I spent most of 2020 at my parents' place (lockdown) and much of before that was with different flatmates. 

I work solo on my projects, from home. I go out 1-2 times a week, mostly to drink with a friend, karaoke or something.

A month or two ago, when running around outdoors for some chores, I noticed that my mind was completely in the present, on the tasks I was in the middle of. I realized that I have way too many unnecessary, negative thoughts racing in my mind all the time when I'm alone working at home. They only exist because I'm alone all the time. If I had colleagues, or was travelling to an office and working with people, busy with my schedule, there wouldn't be any time for these dumb thoughts.

To avoid this I've been planning to do a few things - join some music classes, a gym (working out at home atm), work in cafes once in a while, attend workshops, etc. Constructive things that get me out of the house. Hiring some people to work together in an office would probably be the best option, but this is difficult to do for now.

Positivity:

I know how powerful positive thoughts are. I used to be a super positive person almost all the time. This probably coincides with the times before I started working alone (college, school etc)

I know they shape reality and your life. Two weeks ago, I sat on a plane to visit my sister at her new place in a pretty cool location. As soon as I started the journey, I was filled with happiness and excitement - just because I'd broken my usual schedule and was doing something different. And with that, I started getting flooded by ideas, inspiration and motivation to work - something I rarely feel nowadays at home. So travel more, maybe.

But I noted down: "Positivity is a superpower". I know and truly believe this. But this also means, negativity is a horrible super villain's curse! It's so terrible and harmful! Imagine the destruction it can cause, and is causing, I thought. I realize this and really need to fix this. The solutions probably are - work with people + not from home, and go out and do other interesting stuff.

Unfortunately, a day after returning from the holiday, I was right back in the s**t. It barely took any time for the negativity to return.

If you read all that, thank you so much! If not:

Tl;dr

Seeing my phone not get any texts/ notifications really bothers me, making me feel unwanted. Seeing close friends get into good romantic relationships has been unexpectedly painful. I work alone from home and have too much space and silence to let negative thoughts completely take over and ruin my every day life, affecting happiness and productivity. 

*

I have a lot of positive traits and accomplishments in life, I know how important positivity is, I should be able to affirm these, but somehow I can't feel these great things and put them into action atm, and I'm unsure how to not be hard on myself and instead turn the inner voice into a helpful and supportive one rather than a critical, judgemental one.

[Wiseman2]

Have you been to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health?  Discuss your isolation, withdrawal and obsessing.

Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. Whether it's depression, anxiety, obsessions or just self-absorption, it can be helped when you help yourself.

[Rose Mosse]

I think you're underutilizing your time. Try reorganizing or structuring your time a bit better and stay productive. The phone is always there but treat it as a tool, not it treating you like a tool or the other way around. You're using it to get a job done. 

You also seem to be happiest when you are productive or expanding your mind, doing different things or breaking out of a routine. Try different things during your week and have more goals for yourself. You're getting too caught up with what other people are doing. Check in with your mates but their life is not your life. What good is it that you're clones of each other? If they are with their partners or families, that's down time they need or have worked hard for. You work on your other things and don't get sidetracked with the small stuff like updates or meme texts. 

While you're working or for certain groups or contacts you may want to mute those texts. If you know you have a habit of checking your messages in the morning, check them and let the notifications come through in silence or without any banners or pop ups. You will check it again the next morning, right? So let it be. 

[DancingFool]

You are born already valid. Period.

The whole notifications thing, it sounds like you've become addicted to the ping so to speak. Checking obsessively and also being hyper alert to other people's notifications and fixating on that. You've artificially associated the notification ping with reward and lack of it with punishment, to the point where it's affecting your life and moods. Ironically, tech is actually designed to be addictive like that and it sounds like you've fallen into that trap pretty deep.

So the solution is detox quite literally. If you must use your phone for work, then turn off ALL notifications for the day and only check messages morning/evening after work. If you can unplug for several days completely, just do it. Let your friends know that you are taking a sabatical for a few days and will be back shortly.

Realize that getting rid of this addictive habit is going to be difficult and will overall take more a few days to get out of your system, change your habits and the mental groove you are stuck in. That said, I know you'll persevere and get it done and out of your system. Rooting for you.

[Batya33]

I think you're a great candidate for doing volunteer work -yes I get that you're an introvert so you'll have to stretch your comfort zone- because all of this is I I I - all about you, and as if everyone around you lives so that you can compare yourselves to them. 

And all this positive thinking - positivity is not important in the way you describe IMO.  What's important is acting in ways that are consistent with living a healthful life and a life where you give to others as appropriate -small and medium and large kindnesses. The positive mindset emanates from action not from contemplating your navel and "thinking positively". 

Certainly attitude is gratitude and certainly it's good to review at the end of the day at least 3 positive things that happened or that you made happen but this intense focus you have on yourself - wow - don't you get bored with it?

Make a weekly commitment -or at least once every two weeks where you have to show up somewhere for at least an hour and contribute and interact with others -the other volunteers and the recipients.  

The comparison game is a dangerous path -it's neverending and almost always irrelevant. Especially how you approach it.  I hope you can get yourself out of that cycle and make better choices.

Good luck and enjoy the date!

[anon4108]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you been to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health?  Discuss your isolation, withdrawal and obsessing.

Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support. Whether it's depression, anxiety, obsessions or just self-absorption, it can be helped when you help yourself.

I haven't, but I shall consider it now. Finding the right one is a daunting task. Maybe I'll check betterhelp, but I've heard mixed reviews about them. Any idea where to start?

[anon4108]

11 hours ago, DancingFool said:

You've artificially associated the notification ping with reward and lack of it with punishment, to the point where it's affecting your life and moods. Ironically, tech is actually designed to be addictive like that and it sounds like you've fallen into that trap pretty deep.

So the solution is detox quite literally. If you must use your phone for work, then turn off ALL notifications for the day and only check messages morning/evening after work. If you can unplug for several days completely, just do it. Let your friends know that you are taking a sabatical for a few days and will be back shortly.

Realize that getting rid of this addictive habit is going to be difficult and will overall take more a few days to get out of your system, change your habits and the mental groove you are stuck in. That said, I know you'll persevere and get it done and out of your system. Rooting for you.

I'll keep this in mind, thanks. I often keep my phone far away when working, but that somehow gives it more power (that I had to do that) and only delays the disappointment when I check the phone much later on and there's nothing on there.

Either way, it's an interesting thing you've pointed out (addiction) because I usually use it much lesser than people nowadays (don't take it with me in the bathroom, hardly post any updates on sm for likes etc) But I guess it might have happened all the same. I'll figure out the detox plan, thank you! 

[anon4108]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

because all of this is I I I - all about you...

...this intense focus you have on yourself - wow - don't you get bored with it?

 

I never thought about this. Thanks for pointing it out - it's something I can work on now.

The volunteering idea is also an interesting one, and one I never considered. I'll definitely give this a go. Thank you so much!

[anon4108]

12 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I think you're underutilizing your time. Try reorganizing or structuring your time a bit better and stay productive. The phone is always there but treat it as a tool, not it treating you like a tool or the other way around. You're using it to get a job done. 

You also seem to be happiest when you are productive or expanding your mind, doing different things or breaking out of a routine. Try different things during your week and have more goals for yourself. You're getting too caught up with what other people are doing. Check in with your mates but their life is not your life. What good is it that you're clones of each other? If they are with their partners or families, that's down time they need or have worked hard for. You work on your other things and don't get sidetracked with the small stuff like updates or meme texts. 

While you're working or for certain groups or contacts you may want to mute those texts. If you know you have a habit of checking your messages in the morning, check them and let the notifications come through in silence or without any banners or pop ups. You will check it again the next morning, right? So let it be. 

Well, yes - this is pretty much what I said as well: For the past year or so, I'm not working enough, not being productive, wasting time by thinking random stuff. I just can't seem to stop that negative waste of time and don't know how to get out of it. 

And yes, my phone and notifications are always on mute. That just turns into me actively picking up the phone to check if any have come through, if that makes sense.

I guess the logical solution is to get out of my empty flat, out of my head and start working outside along with other people.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, anon4108 said:

 Finding the right one is a daunting task. 

See your physician. First you need an evaluation of your physical and mental health. A complete workup.

Discuss your obsession with this as well as the ruminating isolation and anxiety and depression.

Then ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Check your insurance.

[anon4108]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

See your physician. First you need an evaluation of your physical and mental health. A complete workup.

Discuss your obsession with this as well as the ruminating isolation and anxiety and depression.

Then ask for a referral to a qualified therapist. Check your insurance.

Interesting, it might work a little differently in my country, but I'll try this out. Thanks!

[Batya33]

Just now, anon4108 said:

Interesting, it might work a little differently in my country, but I'll try this out. Thanks!

I also highly recommend books by Martha Beck and for a more out of the box perspective, Alain De Boton.

[greendots]

Honestly, it's all a matter of perspective. The incredible life you see others live, that's your perception. A behind the scenes documentary would most likely reveal how the dull parts and the hard work that goes to achieve those 'incredible' moments were edited. That friend of yours who met a pretty woman through an app, most likely had to scroll through heaps of incompatible ones. Yet, before that was even possible, I suppose he also had to create an appropriate profile with good pictures. The 'hot body guy' who gets the attractive girls, I bet, trains regularly to keep his body in shape.

And sure, some people may receive constant notifications as anyone can sent a funny meme whilst in the bathroom or gab on the phone for 5 minutes. But a good friend brings you chicken soup when you're sick or helps you move furniture, regardless of how often they text you.

Also, when listening to interviews of high profile business-people, you'll quickly discover that they don't have the time to continuously chat with others through social media as they are too busy living their life, working or creating content.

Besides, who do you want to be? The unpaid instagrammer who's obsessing 3 hours with taking the perfectly curated "I'm having fun" shot or actually being the one who's having fun?

As for meeting other people - meetup groups, volunteering or taking classes in whatever interests you are great ways to connect with others.

Change your perspective. 🙂

[Cherylyn]

I've found that the less technology I have in my life, the happier I am.  Turn off social media, TV, the Internet, cell phone and get busy with your life.  The less distractions the better.  Electronics in this Information Age are time traps and a tremendous waste of your time, energy and attention.  You'll suddenly realize how much time you have to become a productive and industrious person. 

Focus on your health.  There is a strong sound body, sound mind connection.  Do what you enjoy whether it's hobbies, getting things done at home or outside home, etc. 

Don't care about what other people think.  Go your own way.  It's what I've been doing and you will feel peace of mind and security. 

Change your daily life and you will definitely see positive results.  A lifestyle change will make you happier. 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

've found that the less technology I have in my life, the happier I am.  Turn off social media, TV, the Internet, cell phone and get busy with your life.  The less distractions the better.  Electronics in this Information Age are time traps and a tremendous waste of your time, energy and attention.  You'll suddenly realize how much time you have to become a productive and industrious person. 

So a couple of months after the 2020 shutdown and with the teleworking and virtual school in a small apartment I realized that I should read more - I already was an avid reader for over 50 years.  A bookworm as a child. 

But I committed to reading even more (mostly novels, some nonfiction and The New Yorker -which is not just for New Yorkers for sure) - I committed to it so I would stop looking at Facebook so much.  I started putting books on hold at the library as soon as they started curbside pick up (I love buying books and of course for most books, it's wasteful and takes up much space!!).  It helps a lot. 

I am on Facebook regularly. Love/hate relationship but more benefits than otherwise.  But too much of a good thing..... And then when all the division started -political, racial, police issues - being able to look away and read instead helped so much.  And I joined a few FB groups for readers and even made some new online friends because of it - I love talking about books with readers/authors/book lovers.  I highly recommend it.  And I was proactive and structured -so where I used to read for pleasure 20-30 minutes a day now it's more like an hour or more.  No e-books or audio books. I have to hold an actual book.

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So a couple of months after the 2020 shutdown and with the teleworking and virtual school in a small apartment I realized that I should read more - I already was an avid reader for over 50 years.  A bookworm as a child. 

But I committed to reading even more (mostly novels, some nonfiction and The New Yorker -which is not just for New Yorkers for sure) - I committed to it so I would stop looking at Facebook so much.  I started putting books on hold at the library as soon as they started curbside pick up (I love buying books and of course for most books, it's wasteful and takes up much space!!).  It helps a lot. 

I am on Facebook regularly. Love/hate relationship but more benefits than otherwise.  But too much of a good thing..... And then when all the division started -political, racial, police issues - being able to look away and read instead helped so much.  And I joined a few FB groups for readers and even made some new online friends because of it - I love talking about books with readers/authors/book lovers.  I highly recommend it.  And I was proactive and structured -so where I used to read for pleasure 20-30 minutes a day now it's more like an hour or more.  No e-books or audio books. I have to hold an actual book.

I prefer real paper books from my local library, too.  No e-books nor audio books for me either. 

I'm not on FB regularly as I've found social media, cell phones, TV, computer or anything electronic to be huge time traps.  I can't get anything done!  Whenever all of that is shut OFF, I'm super productive and industrious because I have TIME!  I prefer to spend more time with my family, husband, children, hobbies, exercise, cook a delicious meal and do homey stuff while I'm not working.  That's just me though. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

I'm not on FB regularly as I've found social media, cell phones, TV, computer or anything electronic to be huge time traps.  I can't get anything done! 

I often get a lot done because of Facebook and sometimes don't.  I network, make plans (got a handful of job interviews through Facebook acquaintances and friends who otherwise wouldn't have taken the time to tell me- back when I was looking), etc. My company has a Facebook page I follow so I look at what is going on there. But yes I have to be very careful not to let it be a time trap.  Or to upset me or have me start to lose perspective for sure.

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I often get a lot done because of Facebook and sometimes don't.  I network, make plans (got a handful of job interviews through Facebook acquaintances and friends who otherwise wouldn't have taken the time to tell me- back when I was looking), etc. My company has a Facebook page I follow so I look at what is going on there. But yes I have to be very careful not to let it be a time trap.  Or to upset me or have me start to lose perspective for sure.

I agree.  Social media, the Internet, cell phones, computers, TV and all of it can end up as huge time traps.  I can't get anything done!  It's amazing how productive and industrious I become when I practice self discipline by turning all of that OFF.  When it becomes a habit, I can really get a lot done which feels very rewarding. 

[anon4108]

On 12/15/2021 at 7:25 PM, Batya33 said:

I also highly recommend books by Martha Beck and for a more out of the box perspective, Alain De Boton.

Ah I've seen his stuff on the School of Life YT channel. Thanks for the recs!

[anon4108]

On 12/15/2021 at 9:46 PM, greendots said:

Honestly, it's all a matter of perspective. The incredible life you see others live, that's your perception. A behind the scenes documentary would most likely reveal how the dull parts and the hard work that goes to achieve those 'incredible' moments were edited. That friend of yours who met a pretty woman through an app, most likely had to scroll through heaps of incompatible ones. Yet, before that was even possible, I suppose he also had to create an appropriate profile with good pictures. The 'hot body guy' who gets the attractive girls, I bet, trains regularly to keep his body in shape.

And sure, some people may receive constant notifications as anyone can sent a funny meme whilst in the bathroom or gab on the phone for 5 minutes. But a good friend brings you chicken soup when you're sick or helps you move furniture, regardless of how often they text you.

Also, when listening to interviews of high profile business-people, you'll quickly discover that they don't have the time to continuously chat with others through social media as they are too busy living their life, working or creating content.

Besides, who do you want to be? The unpaid instagrammer who's obsessing 3 hours with taking the perfectly curated "I'm having fun" shot or actually being the one who's having fun?

As for meeting other people - meetup groups, volunteering or taking classes in whatever interests you are great ways to connect with others.

Change your perspective. 🙂

Ah, yes I agree with all of that. I hope it comes across that I can see my thoughts as an outsider and I'm seeing them as dumb - I'm just trying to figure out how to stop them, or what their cause is.

A big reason of course is that I have too much unstructured time on my hands (since I work alone) If this is changed (I work in an environment with people and responsibilities) I too would have no time for these thoughts and insecurities like those high profile business people 🙂

But yeah, hope it's communicated I'm not defending myself or my perspective - I'm looking for solutions for better results (since its something Ive been struggling to change for a while)

I may change my work situation in the coming future so as to not be so free and solo, that should help.

[anon4108]

On 12/16/2021 at 6:18 AM, Cherylyn said:

I've found that the less technology I have in my life, the happier I am.  Turn off social media, TV, the Internet, cell phone and get busy with your life.  The less distractions the better.  Electronics in this Information Age are time traps and a tremendous waste of your time, energy and attention.  You'll suddenly realize how much time you have to become a productive and industrious person. 

Focus on your health.  There is a strong sound body, sound mind connection.  Do what you enjoy whether it's hobbies, getting things done at home or outside home, etc. 

Don't care about what other people think.  Go your own way.  It's what I've been doing and you will feel peace of mind and security. 

Change your daily life and you will definitely see positive results.  A lifestyle change will make you happier. 

Yes I agree, it's just that working alone at home on my own, technology is hard to avoid and discipline (like keeping the phone away) fails or feels forced. A better solution would probably be to design my life differently so that I'm automatically too busy for technology. Like I said in the reply right above this one, that's something I'm working on figuring out (to work with people, add responsibilities and not be so free all the time)

This would also give me a better work-life balance. Currently I just half work half chill throughout the day - morning to night. Working with people in a structure would separate that, and allow me to focus on hobbies and health in the evening hours.

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, anon4108 said:

Big reason of course is that I have too much unstructured time on my hands 

Get another job. Join some groups and clubs volunteer get involved in fitness and sports. Take some classes and courses. Update your resume. Get a professional profile on LinkedIn.

You seem bored and lonely. That is 100% in your control to fix.  Structure your time with better self discipline. 

Hanging around waiting for device pings is passive. 

Do you live with your parents? Don't you have other responsibilities besides checking social media and being somewhat employed?

You don't need self help books and videos. You need to get involved in life and take on more responsibility. 

It's important not to confuse some sort of deep psychological issues with merely being lazy and bored.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, anon4108 said:

A big reason of course is that I have too much unstructured time on my hands (since I work alone) If this is changed (I work in an environment with people and responsibilities) I too would have no time for these thoughts and insecurities like those high profile business people

Why the passivity?  Make changes.  Do volunteer work.  It has nothing to do with whether you're staff or management level or 'high profile" - get out and interact with people, make time commitments to work out, to read -structure your own time.  You were right in your last paragraph -you get to make the changes.  "If you choose not to decide -you still have made a choice" -consider being a bit more proactive.

[Batya33]

Do this in baby steps.  Today get out and take a brisk walk for at least twenty minutes at a speed of at least 3.5 mph or the equivalent in km- and pump your arms and really move.  It’s head clearing and mood elevating too and may give you better perspective. Take 20-30 minutes to read a real book. Or magazine.  When you otherwise would be on line. Think I’m specific small changes. Abstract and broad commitments won’t work it seems. 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, anon4108 said:

Yes I agree, it's just that working alone at home on my own, technology is hard to avoid and discipline (like keeping the phone away) fails or feels forced. A better solution would probably be to design my life differently so that I'm automatically too busy for technology. Like I said in the reply right above this one, that's something I'm working on figuring out (to work with people, add responsibilities and not be so free all the time)

This would also give me a better work-life balance. Currently I just half work half chill throughout the day - morning to night. Working with people in a structure would separate that, and allow me to focus on hobbies and health in the evening hours.

You can choose what works for you. The overall message is to keep yourself motivated. Mind you, this is not the same every single day. Some days may be busier than others and that's completely ok. Take the relaxed days too. I've always been in a very intensely structured lifestyle but am not now and appreciate that flexibility. One thing I should note is that as humans we aren't built and designed like robots. No matter how consistently we work there's room for error, frustration, set backs so take care and take time to refuel and charge up, feel good about yourself and do things that bring you joy. I think balancing this and any other commitments can be a real challenge on some days! You're not alone either way.

Find something that works for you.