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MM hitting on our women at my office


Bobbyforyou
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Hi, I got friendly with a guy at my workplace but after 3 months I found out he was married.  Other co-workers brought it to my attention after about 3 months.  Apparently, without my knowledge, he formed so called friendships with other women.  I approached one of the other ladies and she said he would be conveniently be waiting outside when she was coming and going for coffee, and also when she came into work in the mornings.  He did the same with me. I was horrified to find out he is a player and doing the same with other innocent girls in our company.

He wanted to see me outside work and asked to meet up for coffee or walks along the beach.  On our first outing, sure enough, he put his arms around me and asked if I was okay with it.  At this point, I didn't know he was married. I really liked him and went along with his affections as he came across as very gentle and friendly. He also seemed a bit shy personality wise and only talked about superficial things and liked to flirt with his eyes.  After I found out he was married, he said his marriage is dead and they live like roommates. No mention of a divorce though!  

What can I do to bring this to the attention of the company? He took away my concentration during work hours by constantly texting and it also decreased my performance levels.  

Help!

 

 

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You don't say if the texts you received at work were inappropriate or not. The first thing you're supposed to do is to tell the person to stop whatever behavior you're uncomfortable with. If that was never done, I don't know if the company will do anything. Of course he's a jerk, but I don't know if that's something that will get him into trouble at work if you were okay with his texts and accepting dates before you knew he was married. What did you say to him when you found out he was married, and who told you?

 

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I used to work in HR. One of the department supervisors was written up for having multiple relationships with various ladies in his department. It depends on company policy. Is the kind of interaction he had with you prohibited?

They likely won't discipline him for being married and trying to date. That's beyond their scope.

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3 hours ago, Bobbyforyou said:

After I found out he was married, he said his marriage is dead and they live like roommates. No mention of a divorce though!  

Classic excuse, among with many other excuses.   In any event, I wouldn't go down this road.  He's a prize to no one.

Oh, I almost forgot, they sleep in different rooms...

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5 hours ago, Bobbyforyou said:

Other co-workers brought it to my attention after about 3 months.

So he's already got a rep among your co-workers, and you get to decide how much of your own participation you'd want to disclose to HR versus keeping the mistake private while the guy eventually hangs himself.

Speaking only for myself, I'd take the the priceless lesson learned about dating coworkers, and I'd put my eyes back on my own paper to focus on building my career through professionalism. 

Head high, we all learn from living.

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Don't respond to any of the texts. Block or mute his number on your personal phone. He hasn't taken anything away from you. I think you feel indignant and upset because you feel duped. Keep focused on your work. That's a choice you make for yourself.

Ignore anything else unrelated to work coming from him and keep things professional between the both of you. 

Stay away from gossip and idle chatter with the other coworkers also. If they want to talk, let them but keep your business to yourself. Don't swap stories or share in what they have to say. Mark down or keep a record of any inappropriate behaviour directed at you in case you want to prove sexual harassment. Look at the laws in your area or jurisdiction. 

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11 hours ago, Bobbyforyou said:

, he said his marriage is dead and they live like roommates. No mention of a divorce though

Well it's sexual harassment whether he's married or not.

However you were Into it and now seem scorned that you found out he's married. 

Stay in your own lane. Don't consort with the office wolf. Don't date married men.

Be polite and professional at work. Decide if filing a sexual harassment complaint is valid or for revenge because he didn't mention divorce.

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If your company has a policy against coworkers dating(some places do have that) or if he was innapropriate(in messaging or maybe saying something disrespectful) or just suggesting stuff that you should be with him to be promoted or that you will be fired(that kind of stuff would go under "mobbing"), and if you have proof of that, then you would have a good case against him. 

But I am sorry, "taking away concentration during office hours" is probably not something HR or anyone but places like Twitter would react to. I dont want to take away from your experience, he is a sleeze and am sorry you have fallen for his act. And what he did certanly wasnt alright from moral standpoint. Just saying that you should have something that breaks workplace rules if you would go to HR. If you think you do and if you have multiple women to confirm that, then please do. 

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Unfortunately, sexual harassment policies aren't all as all-inclusive as you might think. 

It's not sexual harassment to flirt, to ask someone out, or to spend time with someone outside of work.  And the waiting for people is a VERY grey area and would be very hard to prove.  If they are "friends" even harder to prove something shady. 

If you said yes, then it really isn't.  It isn't harassment until you say NO and he continues to pursue you. 

Companies can't do a THING about someone seeking an affair, especially if another participant is willing.   It's not illegal to have an affair. 

If you do report this to HR, this is likely to come back to bite YOU in the butt and word might get out that you were having an affair with this married man.  You were a willing participant, so they can't do anything legally. It doesn't matter if he lied to you- lying isn't harassment and it's not provable.  The good news is nothing serious happened. You made a mistake. 

My advice is move on, learn from this mistake, and if this dude is as big a creep as you say- he will eventually hang himself.  

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Several things:

1) It's not sexual harassment when it's consensual. So unless you told him explicitly and have it documented that you asked him to stop texting you and to leave you alone and he continued to harass after that, you don't have a leg to stand on.

2) You and him texting on company time can backfire equally when it's consensual

3) Even if the company has a no dating policy, that policy usually will affect both people who are dating in that either you'll both get fired or both get disciplined equally. Again, this is not about morality or who is more right or wrong, but rather company policy on no dating coworkers and since it takes two to tango, both pay the price

In the future, don't get involved with co-workers and be more diligent about checking the guy's relationship status before you waste your time. Don't go along like a sheep to slaughter just because the guy is pursuing you. As the old joke goes, don't ask him if he is single, ask him if there is someone out there who might believe she is in a relationship with him.... and then google marital records.

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It's best to try and deal with the situation yourself. Just tell him to leave you alone. Make sure you write it in an email so you have proof, because you are going to need it. Next ask one or two of the ladies if anyone has gone to the company/HR/supervisor about his behavior.

If he uses company time, company email, company phone to do these interactions with you, he's breaking company policy. When you say to stop it, and he does continue to interact with you in a unprofessional way, it is sexual harassment.

Me personally would go to my supervisor/HR to at least discuss it with them. Make sure you let them know how it is interrupting your job progress.

Tip: The workplace is not a dating pool. Keep your private life out of the workplace.

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