Want my boyfriend to cut off all ties with her!

[Sabine3146]

Currently, I am in a 2 year relationship with a guy who cheated on me one year ago. He cheated on me with his exgirlfriend, and I was devastated... I pretty much lived in a bathrobe in my bedroom for a month. We broke it off for a couple months, but then got back together, and everything has actually been going pretty well since then. We really care about each other.

 

However, recently, I found out that he has been still talking on the phone and emailing the ex-girlfriend with whom he cheated on me. And it infuriates and hurts me!

 

My question is: Do I have the right to tell him to cut off all ties with her? I have to admit that I snooped through his email inbox, and read an email from her asking him to visit her.

 

And, if he says he will cut off all ties with her, how do I make sure it happens and stays that way?

What else should I do?

 

Thanks for any help from out there. You all are wonderful.

[sidehop]

Yes you do...and he should realize what he has done & give you some respect in that regards. I guess you can give him the ultimatum?

[lifeiscash]

First you need to understand why you want to be with him so badly. It hurts to be cheated or wronged, most of us have been in that situation. It also hurts to know that he can still keep contact with the woman he had cheated on you with. I mean honestly, do you really want a guy that cheated on you and is STILL talking with that girl? Is that what you really want? It sounds to me you might have a problem understanding yourself and you are clinging on your ex because of insecurity issues. Either way I just can not see why a person would want to be with somone if they treated you that way.

Secondly, understand that you can not control him. You can tell him all you want to stop doing this and stop doing that but you have no control in what he actually does. He is going to do what he wants to do and no manipulation or blackmail is going to matter because he controls himself. Understand that you control yourself too. You control all the situations in your life. You control how your life is run, how happy you are, how sad you are, and everything else about you by the choices you are making in your life. Do what you think is best for yourself and not for him, because honestly, your the only one that matters in this world, not him. good luck.

[RandomAdvisor]

I agree with lifeiscash, but I'll be a little more blunt.

 

He cheated on you. How did you find out? Did he admit it to you, or did you find out on your own?

 

Now he's talking and e-mailing her. He's probably still cheating on you emotionally with her. Do you really believe he hasn't cheated on you again since then?

 

Absolutely give him the ultimatum! If he continues to contact her, then you know he is cheating and you dump him.

 

If I were you, I'd dump him anyway. I see no good reason why he should continue to be in contact with an ex he cheated on you with. He's not with her anymore - he's with you. He should act like it.

 

lifeiscash makes a very good point - if you had higher self esteem and weren't so insecure, you wouldn't be putting up with this. If he really cared for you very deeply, he would care enough not to keep in contact with this ex.

[Falucchi]

You knew he was a liar and a cheater, and you stayed with him.

It's a little unfair for you to try to hold him up to a higher standard now, when you've known all along his character (or lack of) and morals (or lack of).

You knew what he was and still is.

If that's what you want, that's what you get with him

If you want someone better, find someone else.

[RayKay]

What you do have is the right to leave and walk away.

 

For one, he showed his character when he cheated on you. And basically by staying with him or getting back together you let it be "okay" to do to you.

 

A question - did he apologize ever for his cheating on you? Because for you to take him back he should of been grovelling in my opinion, and even then I would of said no way.

 

Now, he is clearly disrespecting you and does not care much for your feelings. He is emotionally cheating right now, if not physically. He knows ver well that him talking to her hurts you. That to me does not sound like he really cares about you. Why put up with that? You deserve a LOT better.

 

Do you really want to live a relationship where you need to monitor everything he does all the time? That does not seem fun, enjoyable or healthy in the least, does it?

 

I would give him his walking papers. There is better out there for you, but until you walk away from this guy, you will deny yourself the opportunity to see that.

[socalguy123]

all good points of view. i agree with them all. here's my $.02

 

you can't control him. you can't control his actions, his feelings, his thoughts. no amount of manipulation, blackmail, arguing, crying, guilt trips, witholding of sex--is going to keep him doing what you exactly want him to do..

 

and as someone said above, you can only control yourself... and if you can't believe in him when he says one thing, but does another, you can't really believe in your relationship with him,

 

this is the essense of a good relationship... You have to take a leap of faith, put your trust on that person, when you have compromises that you want to resolve together. If you've got no trust, no faith, no relationship. Your partner has to earn it.

 

Love is a funny thing, when we fall for someone, we put our hopes and dreams and wishes on them. Our imaginations run way ahead of us, sometimes way ahead of what we're actually experiencing in the relationship. When you love someone, you end up giving them trust--but it's not something to be given wholeheartedly. i mean, yes, you do give 100%, but you have to make sure that the person is honoring their commitment to you, by constant communication, honesty, and devotion.

 

Anyway, I guess my point is, once you lose trust and faith in your partner in your relationship--you really have very little left to stand on.

[Tulula]

Anyway, I guess my point is, once you lose trust and faith in your partner in your relationship--you really have very little left to stand on.

 

Exactly! And trust is the foundation I think, of any relationship.

 

If this was a guy I was involved with and he cheated upon me with his ex and with an ex he was still maintaining contact with, I'd kiss him goodbye, no question about it.