How do I tell my current bf I want to go back to my ex?

[shishi2]

Hello! I am in my late 20s and I have a relationship with the sweetest guy for nearly 10 months now. Before this I had a 5 year relationship (the love of my life) and before that one a 4 year abusive relationship that left me with ptsd and anxiety disorders (There was physical abuse included). My second one was the only person I fell in love that much. Even though it was difficult we are both extremly wounded people we managed to grow and heal together and he was like a family to me. We broke up due to long distance because it was very hurtfull for me not to be around him. I moved on, but we kept in touch because we love each other very much. 

I never managed to fall in love with my current bf. I tried and he is amazing and I know I need more time to open up and trust and feel for men (due to the monster of my first relationship experience) but it just did not happen. He fell very fast for me and has been pushing the relationship to move to the next stage too much (ex. he said "I love you" in 4 months and I panicked and I said I love you back without meaning it- though I told him later- but you get the point.) and I think that was a turn off too. 

For the past 2 months i feel like I want to go back to my ex. I think and dream about him all the time and I cannot stop it. The past two weeks  had been hell I think about him and that I want to see him grow old beside me, and to take care of him and I cry myself to sleep. I miss him terribly and I am completely blocked. I need to break up I know but I feel lost. What do I say?

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, shishi2 said:

I never managed to fall in love with my current bf.

Don't use people as rebounds. Kindly and diplomatically end it.

Simply state you're not feeling it. Don't add insult to injury by dumping the "still love my ex" thing on him.

[shishi2]

I am really very sorry if this was a rebound I did not intend to. It started really slow and chill (I just needed some sex life because it was dead long time) and this all happened. I was having a fun time that I did not have long due to covid quarantine and I just did not realise it. I need to fix it. How do I say this?

[Batya33]

He's not amazing for you.  He's amazing on paper.  You're not that into him.  That's ok. No need to tell him the gory details - why hurt this "sweetest" guy more than you have to -just tell him you don't see future potential because you're not feeling strongly enough about him and it's not fair to either of you.  Please don't tell him how amazing he is -he doesn't need to be stroked or flattered by you -he will meet a woman who will think that and feel the chemistry and love. 

Please don't tell him about your feelings for someone else -it's irrelevant - all that matters is you are not feeling it with him.  Please don't tell him what he "deserves" -that's just about your guilty feelings.  Make this about him -in his best interests cut the cord with grace and kindness but without gushing and beating yourself up -no one needs that.  Then let him go - do not be in contact so he can heal fast and get out there to date again and find the right person for him.  

[DancingFool]

Do not bring any ex's or other guys into this as that would be cruel.

Focus on this guy you are dating and the fact that it's not working out for you and you don't feel what you need to feel to continue with him. Then tell him that very simply and directly.

After 10 months, you just don't have the connection on your end to keep going and you don't see a future with him, so you are ending this relationship. Wish him well, but as above poster said, don't gush.

Then give him back whatever things of his you have and cut all contact for good, remove him for your social media, etc. Clean break so he can heal quickly and move on and you can also move on as you wish with whoever you wish.

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, shishi2 said:

I did not intend to.

I just needed some sex life

I was having a fun time 

"I need to end thing, It's not working out for me". Stop careening through other's lives recklessly for your own ego and kicks.

Use integrity. Not I wanted, I needed, I had fun. That's using people and you know it.

 On top of that you've been communicating with your ex the whole time. 

[boltnrun]

Imagine you were in what you thought was a love relationship with your ex for 10 months, then he told you "I don't love you, I just needed sex and wanted to have some fun." Imagine how hurt you would be.

Please breakup with your boyfriend kindly. And resolve to never use people for your own benefit ever again. Be a nicer person going forward.

[SooSad33]

Has been 10 months and you do not feel the same for him. Then you be honest and don't drag this on.  Is obvious you two are on different levels.. where he was more ready and you were not?

Then you explain this to him, that you can't do this. That he feels enough for you but you're not on the same page and you don't feel it is working out at your end.

Always be honest in a situation like this, don't lead someone on.

As for your ex.  You two broke up for reason's.  And I know its been a while.. who knows IF that'd work out again.  May be too much water under the bridge now.  You'll see if you give that another go.  ( what are you going to do, move there?). You may even come to feel he's more just a 'good friend' over being in an actual relationship again. .. so consider this could all become a little messy.

Either way, what hasn't helped you from accepting & moving on properly was your continuing to communicate with him throughout, so never really able to 'let go'. That's not always a good idea.

In time, I hope you will consider some prof help in dealing with your issue's ( ptsd, etc).  That can also affect your ability in a relationship.  Always helpful to deal with our own issue's so not to affect our relationships.

 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

Not to sound harsh, but my thoughts are you used this guy as a temporary distraction where now you want to trade him in, so to speak.   Not a good choice as this could come back to haunt you, as you could end up standing alone.

I'd tell him politely that it's just not working. With that said, why not take a break and sort out your life?

 

 

[Andrina]

How about finding out who you are as an adult without a man in your life? That's the best way to maybe have romance success for once, in the future. Become fulfilled solo and then maybe you'll be in the right mindset to share your happiness with someone.

You likely haven't even experienced a genuine relationship with the LDR. Things have to be local for a lengthy amount of time to even know if you two can handle what a serious relationship entails. If you do come to a happy place solo and want to give him a go, don't move in together, but do live in the same town to be able to date normally. If that's not possible, give up that fantasy and date locally.

 

[MissCanuck]

On 12/9/2021 at 12:45 PM, shishi2 said:

I am really very sorry if this was a rebound I did not intend to. It started really slow and chill (I just needed some sex life because it was dead long time) and this all happened. I was having a fun time that I did not have long due to covid quarantine and I just did not realise it. I need to fix it. How do I say this?

You don't need to say any of that. 

Tell him that you are sorry but you do not see a future together and need to break up. You don't need to (and shouldn't) get into your feelings for ex, that you just wanted some sex, quarantine, any of that. It will make it so much worse, and chances are that he already knows you're not feeling it the same way if you've been hesitant to dive into it the way he has.

Be kind but firm that it isn't working for you. Filter out the parts that would needlessly hurt him. 

[Lambert]

You don't. It's extremely hurtful to be brutally honest.

You end things because he deserves better and you're letting him go. 

You need to spend some time single and get your head and heart straight.  Jumping around between exes is only a distraction from the self care you need in order to be a good partner to anyone. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, Lambert said:

You don't. It's extremely hurtful to be brutally honest.

You end things because he deserves better and you're letting him go. 

I agree but it's not about honesty unless he presses you for the real reason -then you do omit the ex etc - but if he doesn't press you then it's not "honest" to have verbal diahrrhea and overshare as a way to unburden yourself - that's just self-absorbed.

[Rose Mosse]

On 12/9/2021 at 2:26 AM, shishi2 said:

Hello! I am in my late 20s and I have a relationship with the sweetest guy for nearly 10 months now. Before this I had a 5 year relationship (the love of my life) and before that one a 4 year abusive relationship that left me with ptsd and anxiety disorders (There was physical abuse included). My second one was the only person I fell in love that much. Even though it was difficult we are both extremly wounded people we managed to grow and heal together and he was like a family to me. We broke up due to long distance because it was very hurtfull for me not to be around him. I moved on, but we kept in touch because we love each other very much. 

I never managed to fall in love with my current bf. I tried and he is amazing and I know I need more time to open up and trust and feel for men (due to the monster of my first relationship experience) but it just did not happen. He fell very fast for me and has been pushing the relationship to move to the next stage too much (ex. he said "I love you" in 4 months and I panicked and I said I love you back without meaning it- though I told him later- but you get the point.) and I think that was a turn off too. 

For the past 2 months i feel like I want to go back to my ex. I think and dream about him all the time and I cannot stop it. The past two weeks  had been hell I think about him and that I want to see him grow old beside me, and to take care of him and I cry myself to sleep. I miss him terribly and I am completely blocked. I need to break up I know but I feel lost. What do I say?

It would seem dishonest to me if you have feelings for your ex and are still in touch with him, yet dating someone new. 

Break things off with your current partner because things are not working out and on the basis that you're not compatible in the long run. Keep it simple and generic, no mention of your ex or your personal issues in the past. It's only 10 months of dating. You both will survive.

And then after the end of this relationship, continue counselling or therapy and take good care of yourself. Find closure for your previous relationships: the abusive one, the previous wounded one and this last one. Looking to potential romantic partners to help you with your problems or forget your past isn't a good way to deal with the pain. 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

It would seem dishonest to me if you have feelings for your ex and are still in touch with him, yet dating someone new. 

I think it depends on the couple.  Some couples are fine with being in touch with exes and having feelings is just..... having feelings.  Her reaction is to be in touch.  She is not dating behind his back (if they agreed to be exclusive).  Yes it's dishonest if she's told him "I only have eyes for you/feelings for you".  It's dishonest if she is dating him and telling him there is serious potential but there is not.  But I think couples very often have feelings for exes they choose not to act on and very often are in touch - now it depends what sort of in touch and again the couples' agreement. 

Both my husband and I are in touch with people we've dated and been involved with in the past.  I don't keep tabs on him and he doesn't keep tabs on me so I have no idea other than I trust him and trust that he is loyal to me and married to me and upholding our commitment.  I am doing the same. 

I don't think part of my marriage vows or most exclusive commitments is me promising never to have feelings of any sort for another person -I'm human -feelings can't be controlled. I can control my reactions. My reactions, were that to occur, would be to act consistently with our love and commitment.  

[boltnrun]

I did vow to "forsake all others" but feelings are not actions. We can think fondly about memories of an ex but as long as no action is taken I can't see an issue.

Now, if you're thinking "if my ex asked to get back together I'd jump at the chance to reconcile!" that's a different scenario. Which seems to be the case with you.

[Rose Mosse]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I think it depends on the couple.  Some couples are fine with being in touch with exes and having feelings is just..... having feelings.  Her reaction is to be in touch.  She is not dating behind his back (if they agreed to be exclusive).  Yes it's dishonest if she's told him "I only have eyes for you/feelings for you".  It's dishonest if she is dating him and telling him there is serious potential but there is not.  But I think couples very often have feelings for exes they choose not to act on and very often are in touch - now it depends what sort of in touch and again the couples' agreement. 

Both my husband and I are in touch with people we've dated and been involved with in the past.  I don't keep tabs on him and he doesn't keep tabs on me so I have no idea other than I trust him and trust that he is loyal to me and married to me and upholding our commitment.  I am doing the same. 

I don't think part of my marriage vows or most exclusive commitments is me promising never to have feelings of any sort for another person -I'm human -feelings can't be controlled. I can control my reactions. My reactions, were that to occur, would be to act consistently with our love and commitment.  

My point is that her interactions with her ex don't have enough boundaries combined with the fact that she is thinking of breaking up with her current boyfriend because of feelings for her ex.

With all due respect, you are taking this out of context and this is not about your marriage or your exes. Your situation is different from the OPs and I am responding to the OP's question.

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

My point is that her interactions with her ex don't have enough boundaries combined with the fact that she is thinking of breaking up with her current boyfriend because of feelings for her ex.

With all due respect, you are taking this out of context and this is not about your marriage or your exes. Your situation is different from the OPs and I am responding to the OP's question.

With all due respect I made the analogies as they were examples of my perspective which respectfully differs from yours. In her situation I don't think her having feelings for and being in touch with an ex is the problem since I am unclear what their agreement was.  She is being dishonest only if she has promised him her loyalty and if she has told him she is in love with him when that is not true.  In my opinion. 

I think it would not be "honest" of her to overshare with her boyfriend about her feelings for her exes.  That is what started - in my perspective -the conversation here about honesty as someone advised her not to be "brutally honest" with him.  I don't think oversharing is honesty.  I think if he asks her and presses her for a "reason" and asks her if there is someone else she should simply tell him the only thing that matters is that they are not on the same wavelength and she doesn't want to be in a relationship with this sort of imbalance of feelings.  

I too was responding to the OP - you gave your personal opinion that she is behaving in a dishonest way.  I gave a different personal opinion.  I love the way you put things and I disagree on the substance of your particular opinion.  I believe different perspectives and real life examples are helpful.  You can disagree of course!

[Tonight.majestic]

On 12/9/2021 at 9:04 AM, Wiseman2 said:

"I need to end thing, It's not working out for me". Stop careening through other's lives recklessly for your own ego and kicks.

Use integrity. Not I wanted, I needed, I had fun. That's using people and you know it.

 On top of that you've been communicating with your ex the whole time. 

Tbh, I don't think that that's bad. I think when you first go out on a couple of dates with a new potential partner, most of us aren't thinking, "I gotta marry this person, it's gonna be serious or else..."

It would be more wrongful of her if she'd eschew her intentions with him if he, let's say, was upfront about wanting marriage and she wasn't. Or, if he said I love you and she reciprocated the sentiment back, but out of obligation.

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

Or, if he said I love you and she reciprocated the sentiment back, but out of obligation.

According to her OP she did do this. She also admitted to being with him because she "needed sex".

[adviceplease2]

Leave this current guy now, stop using him.  Do not tell him that you've been dreaming of your ex, just tell him its over.

If you need sex that bad, get a vibrator and stop using people.

[Kwothe28]

I would also like to add that he would probably find out anyway after you get back together with your ex and will be crushed. Those kind of things dont stay hidden, even though you mentioned ex is LDR. But please dont tell him, poor guy would probably be crushed as it is. Saying to somebody that you leave him for somebody else is indeed cruel. Be truthful enough and just say that you dont feel it for him as you dont. That should be enough, there is really no need to destroy the guy with whole truth.

[catfeeder]

Quote

How do I tell my current bf I want to go back to my ex?

I would not do that. I'd break up with BF because our relationship doesn't work for me and I want out. There would be nothing productive or necessary in telling him a word about my ex.

[Batya33]

On 12/11/2021 at 4:51 AM, Kwothe28 said:

I would also like to add that he would probably find out anyway after you get back together with your ex and will be crushed. Those kind of things dont stay hidden, even though you mentioned ex is LDR. But please dont tell him, poor guy would probably be crushed as it is. Saying to somebody that you leave him for somebody else is indeed cruel. Be truthful enough and just say that you dont feel it for him as you dont. That should be enough, there is really no need to destroy the guy with whole truth.

Good point and I thought she said her ex hadn't expressed an interest in being with her -she just wanted him back.  So who knows if in reality she'll date her ex or anyone else.

[Coldarmy13]

If you feel that way, tell his as quickly and honestly as possible. No reason to bring up your ex or why, just the truth.. that it isn’t working for you anymore.