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I always choose the wrong men


Babe210
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In the past 4-5 years I have been on and off in a relationship with a man , when we first met I was 19 he was 27. I was in this relationship with this man but there was manipulation, lying but I was too naive to see it. Recently we broke up for good and I moved to a completely different state. I started talking to another guy and he started out really strong from the beginning. It kind of freaked me out , he asked me to be his girlfriend the second week we met but I said no because I hadn’t known him that well yet. We went out on a couple dates, he cooked dinner from time to time. It was all going well , he was willing to move mountains to do what I request . It was all going too fast for me so I asked him to slow down , as he was calling me babe already , he bought tickets to a couples event even before we had gone on an actual date. It was all too fast. I asked him to slow down. I was new to the city so it felt good to be around someone who already knew the city  . He was at my place almost everyday , recently as he was leaving I just asked if he could go out with the trash bag by the door  as he was heading downstairs to his car. He started to complain and I asked why he was complaining and he raised his voice stating that it’s my apartment and I need to learn to take out my own trash( not that I have never taken out my trash before) I was taken back and just surprised by the raising of his voice . I then just said it was fine I would take the trash out myself. 
 

I later messaged him stating how him raising his voice made me feel , he switched the whole thing and said I was overreacting and that all he said was no , but I could have sworn he raised his voice at me over a simple request . He made it seem like he never raised his voice at all
 

He replied to my message being a complete *** and stating that he wants nothing else to do with me . He removed me off of social media and even blocked my number .  
 

Im just confused how someone can go from being obsessed with you to removing you from all social media and blocking your number . How do I stop attracting men like this 

 

 

 

 

 

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looks like he found taking the trash offensive and took it up on his ego.It's just a sign telling you he is not a compatible partner. Well good riddance, let him go, if this situation causes that amazing reaction imagine what's gonna happen in the future.

 

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I don't think you should blame yourself over this. 

You were just getting to know him and now, you know him! 

Major red flag, love bombing you, pushing to exclusive. You were right and you did the right thing asking him to slow down.

So you don't choose the wrong guys. It takes time, to know a person and see how they act. 

Be glad he's gone! 

Edited by Lambert
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Unfortunately the pattern is too much too soon (on your part) but telling them to slow down.

This is simple. Someone should not be at your home "every day" and playing house this early on.

Dating is to get to know someone but you seem to jump ahead into relationshipping way too fast.

Slow down, don't tell them to slow down when you have your foot on the gas this hard.

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13 hours ago, Babe210 said:

It kind of freaked me out

You need to learn to listen to ^ that and instead of asking a guy to slow down, run like your hair is on fire.

Obsessed is not love or healthy or normal and something you should learn to avoid. Predators, aka abusers, chase hard, push your boundaries, try to sweep you off your feet (disorient you), try to force an instant relationship and lock you down hard and fast. 

What you saw when you asked him to get the trash is his mask slipped and his true self came out. Yes, he did raise his voice and when you called him out on it, he proceeded to gaslight you about it and turn it around on you like it's your fault. Classic abuser.

Since you were already stuck in an abusive toxic relationship for so many years, please step away from dating, definitely get rid of this creep, and take some time out to sort out what healthy relationships and healthy dating looks like.

In a new city, seek to make some female friends rather than getting involved in a toxic mess that has red flags slapping you in the face from day one. Join meetup.com and find some groups that interest you. Find some places to volunteer. Start meeting some people through that and developing some genuine friendships. Get grounded before you venture out into the dating world again.

Keep in mind that this creep identified you as an easy victim he can bulldoze and manipulate from a mile away. Your instincts that he is off were correct, yet you didn't listen to yourself and carried on with him. You have to fix that and you have to get away from this "nice to have him for insert whatever here" dependent mindset. 

 

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IMO, this was just one encounter. Is not like you are choosing the wrong men, we don't really know much until we've experienced them a little.

You haven't really dated anyone else other than your ex?  Then that's very little...right?

This guy was over doing it and that's scary. So YOU need to learn to speak up. And act, if they can't respect you. Just take this as a learning experience. That you now know how you do NOT want someone.

This guy was over bearing & freaked on you over something stupid, Plus, he was pushing himself on you way too much.

Now, keep your distance and have nothing more to do with him..ever!

Sounds like you first real experience was with a man quite a bit older than you. You just starting your adult life to someone almost 30.

For now, just lay back and focus on getting yourself comfortable with where you are living now.  Get out there, see what's available to you & finding some actual friends around there?

Take some down time.. on your own. Enjoy your new location 🙂 . 

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When you say you recently broke up, how recent?

You started dating the other guy when you were only 19 so you hadn't hardly started developing who you are as an adult yet.  The relationship affected you in negative ways you may not even know yet.

  I totally agree taking a break from dating is the best idea for you right now.  Take this time to figure out who you are as a single adult, make new friends and find YOUR path.  Then with your feet firmly on the ground you can start thinking about adding a romantic relationship.

  More than likely as you grow into your new life the right guy will cross your path when you least expect it.

  From what you wrote other than dating to soon you did everything correctly so don't think your  picker is broken, you just ignored some flags is all.

  You are young and in a new city so have fun exploring and living your life.

  Lost

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On 12/8/2021 at 9:04 PM, Babe210 said:

Im just confused how someone can go from being obsessed with you to removing you from all social media and blocking your number . How do I stop attracting men like this 

 

 

 

 

 

Sort of depends on the expectations of the person. Some people want someone who is going to put in as much work into the relationship as them. When their needs aren't being met they become resentful. It seems like there were some warning signs early on both sides that he was probably looking for something more serious then you.

This could be especially true if he has been in a serious relationship before. I don't disagree with the other posters that he was love bombing you and it was moving too fast, maybe for someone else he could have been compatible. I would just chalk it up to glad that it happened sooner rather then later, no need to waste time on someone who you aren't compatible with.

My best guess is your attracting men like this because your seeking the type of individual who wants to care and support someone. These type of people usually over invest in others, I don't necessarily think its a bad thing per say. Personally, I think some sense of awareness of your own behavior and others behavior can prevent this pattern from happening in the future.

Once you start becoming more independent, you may find that the type of man who wants to support you will shy away. And you may be able to find the man who is more interdependent then co-dependent. 

Edited by junebug123
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You know what the red flags are right? Don't try to change their behavior towards you, see their behavior, know it's unhealthy and don't see them again. You give them chances...stop it. First impression count...make them count. So if you have to tell them to slow down, get rid of them. Catch them in a lie, get rid of them. No more benefit of a doubt.

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This guy did the bate and switch. It's a technique manipulators use. Love bombing is manipulation to get you to fall for them, so you are weakened enough for them to continue control, etc.

Since you kept pushing his advances down, then asking him to toss the trash for you was making him realize he has to do something else....drop you, get angry to make you feel guilty, in hopes that you will chase him down. It's a game. Don't play it.

Edited by smackie9
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You attract high quality men when you stop looking or expecting them to be attracted to you.  Get busy with your own life with education, career, take superb care of your health and become preoccupied with succeeding. 

I had since given up on seeking men since they never paid attention to me during my school years and shortly thereafter. 

Therefore, I immersed myself into getting ahead in life.  This is what I did and lo and behold, I started receiving attention from a higher caliber of men who were busy on the fast track just as I was.  Fast forward.  I married a great man and we have two adorable sons.  🙂

The secret is to become very picky and choosy when it comes to men.  If they don't ring true, if something is off with them or your gut instincts are telling you that a guy is mediocre or less, then heed those red warning flags in your brain and don't waste your time with him.  Shop around.

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On 12/8/2021 at 6:04 PM, Babe210 said:

Im just confused how someone can go from being obsessed with you to removing you from all social media and blocking your number . How do I stop attracting men like this?

These types are a dime a dozen.  This just happens to be your first encounter (and probably not your last)

Valuable, yet uncomfortable lesson.  Your gut was telling you one thing and you gave him another opportunity.  In the end he proved you were right.  Next time you will know better.

Shake this off . .  

Edited by reinventmyself
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On 12/8/2021 at 9:04 PM, Babe210 said:

Recently we broke up for good and I moved to a completely different state. I started talking to another guy

Some people like to learn from hindsight, while others dive right back in to live out trial and error.

The problem with leapfrogging from one relationship to another is, there's no gap for hindsight. And hindsight is like a magic onion of layers and layers of insight--and foresight.

Skipping hindsight leads to blundering around, never knowing, exactly, what the mistakes actually are.

You will develop a far, far better and more astute talent for discretion the longer you allow for patience in some solitude. You'll not only learn WHY you don't need to leapfrog straight into another relationship right away, but more importantly, HOW going solo for a while can make you relax and become less susceptible to love-bombing from freaks and manipulators.

Embrace the learning that will occur naturally by backing off and trusting yourself solo. It's like uncovering a blind spot, and nobody else can do this FOR you.

Head high, we all live by learning--but only if we pipe down and relax long enough to 'see' the lessons.

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On 12/8/2021 at 9:04 PM, Babe210 said:

How do I stop attracting men like this 

Attracting them is out of your control. What people are attracted to has more to do with them than it does with you.

What is in your control is recognizing and responding to red flags. Think about what is going on. Pay attention to your feelings--right off the bat you felt something was wrong. Why did you continue?

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