Worried about child behaviors/signs of adhd or sensory issue?

[adee07]

Hello, 

We've always had a VERY hard time raising our now 3 yr old daughter.  She was born 6 weeks early, battled acid reflux as a baby but otherwise no deficits thankfully. She cried seemingly all the time. Obviously I know there were happy moments, but when we look back, it just feels like it was always a struggle.  She had "witching hours" for 4 months where she'd just SCREAM every single night from 6pm-8pm.  As she's gotten older, she just seems different than other kids we know and/or see in public.  She really struggles to share & causes lots of fights that way. Just cannot seem to grasp the idea even though we've been over it a million times. It seems like the only person in the world she listens to the best is my mom, her grandma.  She's the only one of the grandkids who throws MULTIPLE tantrums every single time we're anywhere but home.  I'm talking on the ground flailing etc.  Sometimes she'll just lay there, we'll try to go to her &that'll make her SCREAM bloody murder.  We've done a lot of research on handling emotions, gentle talking, keeping calm, acknowledging feelings etc but we can't seem to get through to her. 

Example:  We went to a local garden to look at holiday lights. She would NOT listen. Purposely running into strangers&if we tried to grab her hand etc to lead her away from them she'd start this high pitched screaming. I felt so embarrassed, SO MANY people she did this to&they just looked at us like we're crazy.  She threw herself on the ground in the middle of walkways multiple times so people had to go around her.  I tried multiple times to kneel down at her level&ask her if something was wrong, or tell her to please listen/stay with our group, &even threatened leaving etc but every time I try to do this, she just does that scream&won't stop til I walk away. My sister, who has 2 daughters of her own, also tried to kneel down&talk to her& she just screamed at her too...how embarrassing. I'm using this story because it was really recent, but she's like this anytime we try to have experiences with her & we end up leaving exhausted, frustrated, and never wanting to leave the house.

We recently started swim lessons&the kids sit on the steps of the pool& the teacher takes them one at a time to practice skills. They make this very quick so not much time in between, however our daughter CANNOT sit still on those steps.  I don't expect perfection at all from a 3 yr old, but she has multiple kids the same age as her who sit nicely&listen while she bounces all over/bumping into the other kids/wants toys & if the toys start to float away she gets really upset etc. The teacher has to talk to her multiple times to not worry about the toys&remind her that it's her turn.  She's great at her skills, in fact they're actually moving us up to the next level because her skills are great, but also because she can't seem to sit still in this class. They're wondering if she's not challenged enough, but we see this happen at other places too.

She recently really struggles to sit at the dinner table.  We're lucky if she takes 2 bites of food before she's yelling that she's done/trying to get down. Its a constant battle. If we let her down after a few mins, then without fail 20-30mins later she's asking for food/saying she's hungry.  We always save her plate & make her have that. Sometimes she'll take a few more bites on the run, other times she says no/just won't eat. I just realized typing this, she's always pretty good at breakfast though.

At home, it seems she can't just sit down& relax unless something good is on TV. Otherwise, she's constantly getting into trouble, pushing our buttons by getting into stuff she shouldn't, runs laps around the house.  If we try to get her to sit&color for once, we're lucky if that lasts 5 mins. She doesn't hardly sit& play with any of her toys. And I want to add another random issue: potty training. Its been HARD.  After 4 months, she's maybe 75-80% pee trained, but like 0% poop...she will NOT stop pooping in pants no matter what we try. When we put her on the potty, she barely sits there for 3 secs before she bounces back up saying "can't go yet"...we ask her to just try & she refuses. We've learned to not push her, as this makes it worse.  But I guess I thought after 4 months we'd be at a better spot. She's in undies all day except overnight. She's had treats, praise, prizes etc but nothing sticks. I've even made her help clean herself up....that backfired because she seemed to really enjoy helping.

Her most recent strange thing (to me, no experience with it?) is that she started holding food in her mouth.  This just started about 2 weeks ago. It's happened twice with string cheese,once with oranges, once with blueberries/grapes.  Just chews it all up then holds it in her mouth refusing to swallow. Today she did it again&after 25mins she said "it won't work" pointing at her throat& had to spit out the food into the garbage again. She's ALWAYS been a very, very picky eater. For a long while she was considered "too low" on the weight/BMI chart but we just couldn't get her to eat.  She hates pretty much any type of meat or vegetable.  But these foods that she's been holding in her mouth are by no means new...in fact they're some of the few things she happily eats without issue.

My husband& I are very big on not putting "labels" on our daughter, however we both have started wondering about things like ADHD or some sort of sensory issue? When I've googled these things, it seems as though we should wait until school age to look at taking to doctor for a diagnosis, but we're so lost. We'd like to enjoy family outings &we honestly have wanted to add a second child to our family, but this one is SO MUCH WORK for us that we're at a loss.  Does this sound like typical toddler behavior? My parents like to say she's just more challenging than others/still perfectly normal...but then my mom went off& bought my daughter a type of "fidget bracelet" ...that to me sounds like she thinks maybe somethings up too? She didn't get any of the other grandkids one. 

She goes to daycare 3 days/week &is home with me 2 days/week. So she gets exposure to other kids etc and has since she was 8months old. We've had concerns about our daycare provider snapping at kids/giving lots of time outs etc....but with the way our daughter acts, it's hard to blame her sometimes. We know there's a girl our daughter doesn't get along with, she says she pushes her/hits her& I've witnessed this, however our daughter isn't totally innocent either so this is hard to decipher. They are about the same age.

I'm sorry for the long post. I was just trying to cover the major points so thank you for reading and I sincerely appreciate any advice/insight....

Sincerely,

One very stressed out Momma!

[DancingFool]

Please take her and yourself to a qualified child psychiatrist. 

It may be that there is something going on with her. It may be that she is just fine, but that the way you've been handling things with her, given her natural temperament, simply are not right for her. 

A qualified child psychiatrist can both evaluate the situation accurately and can be a fantastic resource for you as a parent on how to respond to her behaviors in a way that will be effective and actually work for all of you.

Basically, stop looking online and start talking to actual professionals who can help you.

[melancholy123]

I wouldn't be waing til school age to see her doctor, I'd go now.  I'd have gone a while ago as her traits were becoming apparent.  She sounds like a handful and no this is not typical behaviour.  I've got 2 grown kids and neither acted like that.

[Wiseman2]

What does your pediatrician say? Has she had genetic testing? Has she been worked up for metabolic, neurological and other issues?

Stop using garbage basket Dr Google diagnoses like adhd. Get an actual evaluation by pediatric specialists.  Do you or your husband have any genetic issues in your family history?

It's sad how many parents torture their kids because of 'bad behavior', only to find out they have genetic, neurological or metabolic issues. Get the child evaluated.

[boltnrun]

I congratulate you for trying your best to be a good parent. It's obvious you love your little girl.

No, this is not typical toddler behavior. My kids didn't behave the way you describe.

How is she at "school"? Does she exhibit the same behaviors?

[adee07]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What does your pediatrician say? Has she had genetic testing? Has she been worked up for metabolic, neurological and other issues?

Stop using garbage basket Dr Google diagnoses like adhd. Get an actual evaluation by pediatric specialists.  Do you or your husband have any genetic issues in your family history?

It's sad how many parents torture their kids because of 'bad behavior', only to find out they have genetic, neurological or metabolic issues. Get the child evaluated.

We saw her pediatrician about 2 months ago and he did not seem overly concerned.  He told me if it's something that continues into preschool/kindergarten or causes major issues at daycare that we would then be referred to see someone. I would never torture my child and I work in the medical field as well. I have been using my resources and just haven't had anyone come out and say yes she needs to be evaluated, therefore I thought I'd reach out to get other experienced parents opinions/advice. 

We do not have any major genetic issues in my family or my husbands that we are aware of, which is also what caused me to hesitate and reach out to others.  If I knew there was something out there in our genetics, I definitely would've brought it up to her pediatrician. I do struggle with anxiety myself, however mine has been brought on mainly by many other health issues i developed after my pregnancy. 

We're also in the process of switching over insurance and we do not know where she can be seen at until we get the paperwork.  If we had plenty of money sitting around I'd be able to take her right now, however I didn't think this was life or death therefore thought I'd reach out to the public while we're waiting on insurance.  Healthcare in the US sucks, coming from someone who's also employed in it. 

[adee07]

Just now, boltnrun said:

I congratulate you for trying your best to be a good parent. It's obvious you love your little girl.

No, this is not typical toddler behavior. My kids didn't behave the way you describe.

How is she at "school"? Does she exhibit the same behaviors?

Thank you so much, I do love her with all my heart and this has been very difficult to process in a busy life! 

We need to buckle down on the daycare provider a little more and ask some to-the-point questions I think.  When I've tried to bring things up gently recently, I feel like our daycare lady sort of brushes me off or shrugs, acting like it's not a huge deal.  I guess we have sort of thought "ok maybe she does ok there otherwise you'd think we'd be told?" 

We're actually in the process of trying to find a new daycare for her to see if this maybe helps.  Her current daycare is very much so a "free for all" and they have no structure what so ever....I don't think this does my daughter any favors. Unfortunately daycare is SO HARD to find, ugh. We're on wait lists. 

[DancingFool]

I would really really encourage you to reach out to a qualified child psychiatrist.

My close friend had very similar issues with her son. Her biggest regret is that she waited until he was school age and then was told that he is severely developmentally behind by the school. Thing is that there was nothing wrong with him other than, as parents, they just didn't know how to handle things properly.

Anyway, after the school told her to go to a child psychiatrist, she finally did take him. Turned out he was fine and she and her husband needed to learn how to parent him correctly and how to address some of his behaviors effectively. The psychiatrist also referred them to someone who would come out several times per week to work with them, no idea what the title was, but it was actually through their county health department, so free. Again, not sure how all that worked specifically because the psychiatrist they went to facilitated all that. The lady came out to sort of train them all for several months.

What I do know is that my friend thought she was an absolute godsend and they all learned a lot and it made a huge difference. Her son caught up quickly and went back to school and was just fine. He is doing great now as we speak and has good grades and is otherwise doing well. Super athletic, so probably will get a free ride to uni on a sports scholarship. Big turnaround from nearly being kicked out of school for being too behind and too unruly. 

[adee07]

6 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I would really really encourage you to reach out to a qualified child psychiatrist.

My close friend had very similar issues with her son. Her biggest regret is that she waited until he was school age and then was told that he is severely developmentally behind by the school. Thing is that there was nothing wrong with him other than, as parents, they just didn't know how to handle things properly.

Anyway, after the school told her to go to a child psychiatrist, she finally did take him. Turned out he was fine and she and her husband needed to learn how to parent him correctly and how to address some of his behaviors effectively. The psychiatrist also referred them to someone who would come out several times per week to work with them, no idea what the title was, but it was actually through their county health department, so free. Again, not sure how all that worked specifically because the psychiatrist they went to facilitated all that. The lady came out to sort of train them all for several months.

What I do know is that my friend thought she was an absolute godsend and they all learned a lot and it made a huge difference. Her son caught up quickly and went back to school and was just fine. He is doing great now as we speak and has good grades and is otherwise doing well. Super athletic, so probably will get a free ride to uni on a sports scholarship. Big turnaround from nearly being kicked out of school for being too behind and too unruly. 

This is very interesting, thank you so much for sharing this.  It makes me wonder if we're just not meeting her needs somewhere whether it be how to handle her emotions or if anything else is going on that's holding her back.  Honestly, she doesn't show any developmental issues otherwise.  She learned her colors and how to count very early on and has been speaking in full sentences for a long while now.  But we just cannot figure out the tantrums/attitude/screaming.  Again, thank you and I will be sharing these things with my husband tonight so we can discuss.

[boltnrun]

One of my friends has a daughter who exhibits very similar behaviors. I'm not a professional so I can only comment on what I observed. She does not discipline the child and does not follow through with anything she tells her. For example, the child was putting her dirty shoes on the restaurant table. She told her to stop. The child did it again and again. She just kept telling her to stop. She didn't take her outside or anything. She then ordered her some ice cream. This happened with several unruly behaviors; she got treats and gifts when she acted up. So the child has learned that "bad" behavior gets her ice cream and games and gifts. Why wouldn't she want to continue to misbehave?

I know a lot of parents give gifts and treats hoping it will motivate the child to behave, when it actually does the complete opposite. It rewards poor behavior and encourages it.

I have no idea if you have done anything like this, so please don't think I'm presuming you have. And please don't think I view my friend as a "bad" parent. She's parenting the way she feels is best. Who would I be to criticize? I did things differently but that doesn't mean it was the "right" way or that I'm a better parent because that's not the case. We just parent differently.

Anyway, I do agree with consulting a child behavior specialist. A pediatrician probably doesn't have the specific training that a specialist would have. It might be helpful.

[adee07]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

One of my friends has a daughter who exhibits very similar behaviors. I'm not a professional so I can only comment on what I observed. She does not discipline the child and does not follow through with anything she tells her. For example, the child was putting her dirty shoes on the restaurant table. She told her to stop. The child did it again and again. She just kept telling her to stop. She didn't take her outside or anything. She then ordered her some ice cream. This happened with several unruly behaviors; she got treats and gifts when she acted up. So the child has learned that "bad" behavior gets her ice cream and games and gifts. Why wouldn't she want to continue to misbehave?

I know a lot of parents give gifts and treats hoping it will motivate the child to behave, when it actually does the complete opposite. It rewards poor behavior and encourages it.

I have no idea if you have done anything like this, so please don't think I'm presuming you have. And please don't think I view my friend as a "bad" parent. She's parenting the way she feels is best. Who would I be to criticize? I did things differently but that doesn't mean it was the "right" way or that I'm a better parent because that's not the case. We just parent differently.

Anyway, I do agree with consulting a child behavior specialist. A pediatrician probably doesn't have the specific training that a specialist would have. It might be helpful.

Thank you for sharing this, I like to say I'm pretty honest with my life and maybe we lean a little too much on the side of NOT treating enough? If that's a thing.  We don't keep many sweets in the house and rarely go out for treats or many "fun" things, partly because we are worried about the actions/behaviors of our daughter. That being said, as I was reading what you wrote about your friend, I realize my mom gives my daughter A LOT of treats. She's always using snacks/treats in examples such as:  husband goes to pick her up from my parents house, she throws a tantrum because she doesn't want to leave, my mom then provides a treat/snack saying "ok here you can have this in the car if you behave" and then gives it to her to take to the car.  It works.....but makes me wonder if it's backfiring a bit. I know our daycare provider has done this as well. Something to keep in mind, but I agree with a few of you on here stating it may be worth it just to get a professional opinion. I appreciate your time and responses!

[DancingFool]

23 minutes ago, adee07 said:

This is very interesting, thank you so much for sharing this.  It makes me wonder if we're just not meeting her needs somewhere whether it be how to handle her emotions or if anything else is going on that's holding her back.  Honestly, she doesn't show any developmental issues otherwise.  She learned her colors and how to count very early on and has been speaking in full sentences for a long while now.  But we just cannot figure out the tantrums/attitude/screaming.  Again, thank you and I will be sharing these things with my husband tonight so we can discuss.

Just to clarify, when the school said that he has developmental issues, they meant behavioral problems like he is disruptive, pitches tantrums, doesn't focus or do what he is told and therefore was falling further and further behind quickly.

He is actually highly intelligent, but also sensitive, willful, and energetic - a combination that made things challenging. However, as he is growing up and maturing, he is way calmer and more centered emotionally. He takes his energy out on sports, but through that he also learned self discipline and focus. Also, his parents worked really hard with him once they knew how to do it right and it paid off. He was never medicated as his psychiatrist was adamant that he didn't need it if his parents were willing to work with him and learn how to. Incidentally, he was a preemie baby.

 

 

[boltnrun]

My friend's child is also obviously intelligent. She's well spoken when she's not screaming lol. Cute, too. She just knows that when she screams she gets gifts and treats from her mom. Apparently the only one she behaves for is her grandpa. He won't give her treats or gifts so she doesn't try it with him. Which again proves she's a smart little girl.

I think working with an expert will be not only helpful but could even be fun for you and your husband and your child too. A good expert will know just the right way to talk to kids so they feel important but also know who's the boss.

[gamon]

Your pediatrician may be missing something.

Autism is not out of the question.

[Seraphim]

She is sensory seeking . My son is Autistic, however he is opposite and totally sensory avoidant. Read https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/the-explosive-child-fifth-edition/9780062270450-item.html?s_campaign=goo-DSA_Books&gclid=Cj0KCQiAzMGNBhCyARIsANpUkzN8BHpg6_8tXiQ-WeNavtga3rhUUfGtBzajq869Puhqh6oYSY8DPs8aAvkpEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

[adee07]

7 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

She is sensory seeking . My son is Autistic, however he is opposite and totally sensory avoidant. Read https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/the-explosive-child-fifth-edition/9780062270450-item.html?s_campaign=goo-DSA_Books&gclid=Cj0KCQiAzMGNBhCyARIsANpUkzN8BHpg6_8tXiQ-WeNavtga3rhUUfGtBzajq869Puhqh6oYSY8DPs8aAvkpEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Thank you for this, I'm very interested in reading it. Appreciate it a lot!

[Batya33]

Please don’t try to diagnose yourself. Or label her. Or let others label her who haven’t professionally evaluated her.
 

So get the book Out of Sync Child.  It’s fantastic. And I’d get her evaluated by an occupational therapist. Not a psychiatrist unless you’re referred to one.

Also on the sharing thing. She’s 3. Does she see you share ?  Does she see people she spends a lot of time with share ? telling her is really inadequate.  Sure if she shares then reinforce it with words “I see you’re sharing your hot wheels car with Amanda.”
Also don’t make her share her very favorite toy among a group of toys. I mean if some random adult asked to use your phone during a restaurant dinner to Google stuff and message people and make calls would you “share ?”

I find these days on my local moms group many moms throw around “autism “ and ADHD at the drop of a hat and play therapist.  Make sure you focus on getting individual attention for your child from a qualified professional.  You don’t need a referral from your doctor at least in the states - I think there’s “babies can’t wait “ till age 3 then the public school system will evaluate if you don’t want to go private. 
All of this will help you not drive yourself crazy trying to figure this stuff out on your own. 
little oldie but goodie story consistent with my point. There was a 5 year old boy who had never spoken.  One day at dinner he said “pass the potatoes “.  Everyone was shocked and asked him why he’d never spoken. He said “because I always had enough potatoes “.  
Sometimes it’s a diagnosis. Sometimes it’s just - your child - sometimes it’s a stomach issue or a daycare issue or a sleep deprivation issue or a food dye issue or a hearing issue. Good luck !!

Edited December 9, 2021 by Batya33

[adee07]

37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please don’t try to diagnose yourself. Or label her. Or let others label her who haven’t professionally evaluated her.
 

So get the book Out of Sync Child.  It’s fantastic. And I’d get her evaluated by an occupational therapist. Not a psychiatrist unless you’re referred to one.

Also on the sharing thing. She’s 3. Does she see you share ?  Does she see people she spends a lot of time with share ? telling her is really inadequate.  Sure if she shares then reinforce it with words “I see you’re sharing your hot wheels car with Amanda.”
Also don’t make her share her very favorite toy among a group of toys. I mean if some random adult asked to use your phone during a restaurant dinner to Google stuff and message people and make calls would you “share ?”

I find these days on my local moms group many moms throw around “autism “ and ADHD at the drop of a hat and play therapist.  Make sure you focus on getting individual attention for your child from a qualified professional.  You don’t need a referral from your doctor at least in the states - I think there’s “babies can’t wait “ till age 3 then the public school system will evaluate if you don’t want to go private. 
All of this will help you not drive yourself crazy trying to figure this stuff out on your own. 
little oldie but goodie story consistent with my point. There was a 5 year old boy who had never spoken.  One day at dinner he said “pass the potatoes “.  Everyone was shocked and asked him why he’d never spoken. He said “because I always had enough potatoes “.  
Sometimes it’s a diagnosis. Sometimes it’s just - your child - sometimes it’s a stomach issue or a daycare issue or a sleep deprivation issue or a food dye issue or a hearing issue. Good luck !!

You brought up many good points here, thank you! I will check out the book you mentioned as well, luckily I'm a big lover of reading so this is right up my alley. Thank you for the time you took in your response, it's much appreciated.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, adee07 said:

You brought up many good points here, thank you! I will check out the book you mentioned as well, luckily I'm a big lover of reading so this is right up my alley. Thank you for the time you took in your response, it's much appreciated.

It is not about labeling it is about getting accommodations for your child to level the playing field so they can be successful. Never be afraid of a diagnosis. If your daughter is diagnosed with a disability learn from the adult members of that community not mommy groups that want to commiserate a lot.  

[SooSad33]

19 hours ago, adee07 said:

I tried multiple times to kneel down at her level&ask her if something was wrong, or tell her to please listen/stay with our group, &even threatened leaving etc

You don't try to 'reason with her', for starters, If she is throwing a fit, then you simply pick her up and remove her from the situation.  You take her out to the car and take her home. ( If she is 'testing' you, you show her that her behaviour is not acceptable) and mean it. I did this a cpl times with my boys, acting up while shopping.

 

20 hours ago, adee07 said:

She recently really struggles to sit at the dinner table.  We're lucky if she takes 2 bites of food before she's yelling that she's done/trying to get down. Its a constant battle. If we let her down after a few mins, then without fail 20-30mins later she's asking for food/saying she's hungry.

Yes, youngsters are busy bodies.. and are good for snacking more through the day.  Their days a long ( hence naps) and active minds/bodies as well, short attention spans?.  So maybe don;t scold her for wanting to run & play then coming back, then just leave her plate there, knowing she'll be back.

20 hours ago, adee07 said:

At home, it seems she can't just sit down& relax unless something good is on TV. Otherwise, she's constantly getting into trouble, pushing our buttons by getting into stuff she shouldn't, runs laps around the house.  If we try to get her to sit&color for once, we're lucky if that lasts 5 mins.

Again, busy body & short attention span.  When YOU can handle & enjoy a good 2 hrs in front of the tv.  She is not like that. She is 3, she sounds very active. Routine is very helpful. Same course of action at bedtime(, jamies, snack, pick a book, etc), same time bedtime.

Re: her eating habits ( picky), just keep trying with the foods, as she may be okay with some. Expect refusals. And maybe look into meal replacement drinks ( breakfast drinks etc, replace loss of nutrient intake because of her pickiness).

 

My son was dx as 'challenged' before he started school as he would not speak. He ended up having 'wee talk' come help him out before he started school.  He also had and IEP ( Individual education plan) which is similar to special needs, some area's were specific with kids like this). And by his jr years, he was tested and it was 'noted' he has struggles in a few area's of learning, and was sent off to a specific school to learn how to work with a laptop, as he was unable to get his work 'mind to paper' kind of thing, etc.

It took until his HS years to finally be diagnosed with an actual 'label', which was Autism (level 1), Like high functioning autism.  Yes, he was also very picky eater, but he was easy going, yet uneasy around a crowd.  ... So, maybe yes, speak with your doctor and ask that she get analyzed, that you feel things are not right with her.

Good luck

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, adee07 said:

He told me if it's something that continues into preschool/kindergarten or causes major issues at daycare that we would then be referred to see someone.

We're also in the process of switching over insurance and we do not know where she can be seen at until we get the paperwork. 

You claim she was premature and had serious gastrointestinal problems? How do you know she isn't in pain? 3 yearolds are not small adults who you have extended discussions with or who can articulate when they are in pain.

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, Seraphim said:

It is not about labeling it is about getting accommodations for your child to level the playing field so they can be successful. Never be afraid of a diagnosis. If your daughter is diagnosed with a disability learn from the adult members of that community not mommy groups that want to commiserate a lot.  

I think a proper diagnosis is great -not just a label.  And labels are essential often for services from a school or public agency.  I think non-professionals and professionals who have not evaluated the child should not throw out diagnoses/labels even if they have anecdotal knowledge-usually does more harm than good, in many ways.  

[tattoobunnie]

20 hours ago, adee07 said:

Hello, 

We've always had a VERY hard time raising our now 3 yr old daughter.  She was born 6 weeks early, battled acid reflux as a baby but otherwise no deficits thankfully. She cried seemingly all the time. Obviously I know there were happy moments, but when we look back, it just feels like it was always a struggle.  She had "witching hours" for 4 months where she'd just SCREAM every single night from 6pm-8pm.  As she's gotten older, she just seems different than other kids we know and/or see in public.  She really struggles to share & causes lots of fights that way. Just cannot seem to grasp the idea even though we've been over it a million times. It seems like the only person in the world she listens to the best is my mom, her grandma.  She's the only one of the grandkids who throws MULTIPLE tantrums every single time we're anywhere but home.  I'm talking on the ground flailing etc.  Sometimes she'll just lay there, we'll try to go to her &that'll make her SCREAM bloody murder.  We've done a lot of research on handling emotions, gentle talking, keeping calm, acknowledging feelings etc but we can't seem to get through to her. 

Example:  We went to a local garden to look at holiday lights. She would NOT listen. Purposely running into strangers&if we tried to grab her hand etc to lead her away from them she'd start this high pitched screaming. I felt so embarrassed, SO MANY people she did this to&they just looked at us like we're crazy.  She threw herself on the ground in the middle of walkways multiple times so people had to go around her.  I tried multiple times to kneel down at her level&ask her if something was wrong, or tell her to please listen/stay with our group, &even threatened leaving etc but every time I try to do this, she just does that scream&won't stop til I walk away. My sister, who has 2 daughters of her own, also tried to kneel down&talk to her& she just screamed at her too...how embarrassing. I'm using this story because it was really recent, but she's like this anytime we try to have experiences with her & we end up leaving exhausted, frustrated, and never wanting to leave the house.

We recently started swim lessons&the kids sit on the steps of the pool& the teacher takes them one at a time to practice skills. They make this very quick so not much time in between, however our daughter CANNOT sit still on those steps.  I don't expect perfection at all from a 3 yr old, but she has multiple kids the same age as her who sit nicely&listen while she bounces all over/bumping into the other kids/wants toys & if the toys start to float away she gets really upset etc. The teacher has to talk to her multiple times to not worry about the toys&remind her that it's her turn.  She's great at her skills, in fact they're actually moving us up to the next level because her skills are great, but also because she can't seem to sit still in this class. They're wondering if she's not challenged enough, but we see this happen at other places too.

She recently really struggles to sit at the dinner table.  We're lucky if she takes 2 bites of food before she's yelling that she's done/trying to get down. Its a constant battle. If we let her down after a few mins, then without fail 20-30mins later she's asking for food/saying she's hungry.  We always save her plate & make her have that. Sometimes she'll take a few more bites on the run, other times she says no/just won't eat. I just realized typing this, she's always pretty good at breakfast though.

At home, it seems she can't just sit down& relax unless something good is on TV. Otherwise, she's constantly getting into trouble, pushing our buttons by getting into stuff she shouldn't, runs laps around the house.  If we try to get her to sit&color for once, we're lucky if that lasts 5 mins. She doesn't hardly sit& play with any of her toys. And I want to add another random issue: potty training. Its been HARD.  After 4 months, she's maybe 75-80% pee trained, but like 0% poop...she will NOT stop pooping in pants no matter what we try. When we put her on the potty, she barely sits there for 3 secs before she bounces back up saying "can't go yet"...we ask her to just try & she refuses. We've learned to not push her, as this makes it worse.  But I guess I thought after 4 months we'd be at a better spot. She's in undies all day except overnight. She's had treats, praise, prizes etc but nothing sticks. I've even made her help clean herself up....that backfired because she seemed to really enjoy helping.

Her most recent strange thing (to me, no experience with it?) is that she started holding food in her mouth.  This just started about 2 weeks ago. It's happened twice with string cheese,once with oranges, once with blueberries/grapes.  Just chews it all up then holds it in her mouth refusing to swallow. Today she did it again&after 25mins she said "it won't work" pointing at her throat& had to spit out the food into the garbage again. She's ALWAYS been a very, very picky eater. For a long while she was considered "too low" on the weight/BMI chart but we just couldn't get her to eat.  She hates pretty much any type of meat or vegetable.  But these foods that she's been holding in her mouth are by no means new...in fact they're some of the few things she happily eats without issue.

My husband& I are very big on not putting "labels" on our daughter, however we both have started wondering about things like ADHD or some sort of sensory issue? When I've googled these things, it seems as though we should wait until school age to look at taking to doctor for a diagnosis, but we're so lost. We'd like to enjoy family outings &we honestly have wanted to add a second child to our family, but this one is SO MUCH WORK for us that we're at a loss.  Does this sound like typical toddler behavior? My parents like to say she's just more challenging than others/still perfectly normal...but then my mom went off& bought my daughter a type of "fidget bracelet" ...that to me sounds like she thinks maybe somethings up too? She didn't get any of the other grandkids one. 

She goes to daycare 3 days/week &is home with me 2 days/week. So she gets exposure to other kids etc and has since she was 8months old. We've had concerns about our daycare provider snapping at kids/giving lots of time outs etc....but with the way our daughter acts, it's hard to blame her sometimes. We know there's a girl our daughter doesn't get along with, she says she pushes her/hits her& I've witnessed this, however our daughter isn't totally innocent either so this is hard to decipher. They are about the same age.

I'm sorry for the long post. I was just trying to cover the major points so thank you for reading and I sincerely appreciate any advice/insight....

Sincerely,

One very stressed out Momma!

Can't say it's like ADHD or sensory disorder since some of it sounds more behavioral.

Look up Oppositional defiant disorder (ODD)

Get a evaluation done for her by a mental health professional and or developmental pediatrician; early intervention makes a HUGE difference!  Health conditions isn't labeling by the way; it's a diagnosis that you find a treatment for.  

And btw, get a new daycare provider; the one you have sounds awful.

Edited December 9, 2021 by tattoobunnie

[boltnrun]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You claim she was premature and had serious gastrointestinal problems? How do you know she isn't in pain? 3 yearolds are not small adults who you have extended discussions with or who can articulate when they are in pain.

Good point.

My friend's child who I told you about was also very premature. She was in the NICU for a couple of weeks and was on IV fluids. Her mom obviously wasn't able to bring her home right away.

My son was a couple of weeks early. I had been on strong medication to stop early labor. That medication is now no longer allowed to be given to pregnant women. My son had damage to his central nervous system caused by this medication (so did I).

Could be a number of factors. I would recommend a visit with both a pediatrician who specializes in preemies as well as a child behavior specialist.

[Seraphim]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think a proper diagnosis is great -not just a label.  And labels are essential often for services from a school or public agency.  I think non-professionals and professionals who have not evaluated the child should not throw out diagnoses/labels even if they have anecdotal knowledge-usually does more harm than good, in many ways.  

“ Label” is an ableist term though. There is nothing wrong with disability and accommodations.