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My relationship sucks


Bluemoon456
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18 hours ago, Bluemoon456 said:

I often feel like he will never be over her. How do you choose to spend your life with somebody, to give them your all, to commit to them forever and when things go south, all those feelings go away? Maybe divorced folks can enlighten me. 

It's hard. I know loving someone is not a good enough reason to stay....but I feel extremely dependent on his presence in my life. I am miserable without him. I miss talking with him, being with him, holding him.... but i am starting to feel miserable with him. 

I'm thinking the same... he is not over her. ( did she end it?).. Often the dumpee suffers much longer.

Yes, over the 3 yr timespan you've come to see his ways.  Not impressive, is it?

I feel you two are on totally different paths.  With all he has experienced and what you have. He's got a youngster and an ex wife now.  And he may be lost & overwhelmed with all of that at this time of his life.. So, was maybe NOT a good idea to get involved again at this time.. and you have had to endure the challenges as well.

Now, you're conflicted, feeling miserable with him & the thought of not having him.. But, that can be overcome.

Is best you get out of this, for your own mental health, as this is dragging you down. The whole thing.

You need to be strong and say enough.  He's not in the right place to feel okay & comfortable with his life.  He obviously isn't giving you what you deserve.

 

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6 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Wait...how does she not know about in after THREE YEARS?  Doesn't their daughter ever talk about you, which may mean, the kid doesn't know about you?  So, how do you know if either of them are real?

His divorce is not final yet and he is afraid that if she finds out, then she won't let him see his child anymore. I agreed to it because i figured if she knew that he was in a relationship, she would've made things more complicated. BTW, I met him when he had been separated and by himself for 2 years. (He was living on his own)

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1 minute ago, Bluemoon456 said:

His divorce is not final yet and he is afraid that if she finds out, then she won't let him see his child anymore. I agreed to it because i figured if she knew that he was in a relationship, she would've made things more complicated. BTW, I met him when he had been separated and by himself for 2 years. (He was living on his own)

When will the divorce be finalized?

And she cannot deny him access to his own child without a court order. He knows this, he's just using it as an excuse to hide you from his ex wife.

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Just now, Bluemoon456 said:

His divorce is not final yet and he is afraid that if she finds out, then she won't let him see his child anymore.

He's lying. Married men use this excuse all the time.

You need to end this and allow this sleaze to use you as a BnB with benefits and most of all stop paying for everything.

Free yourself from this. The sooner you do, the sooner you won't be so unhappy, anxious and lonely.

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2 minutes ago, Bluemoon456 said:

His divorce is not final yet and he is afraid that if she finds out, then she won't let him see his child anymore. I agreed to it because i figured if she knew that he was in a relationship, she would've made things more complicated. BTW, I met him when he had been separated and by himself for 2 years. (He was living on his own)

So that makes sense.  You are with a married man. He is married to her because he wants to be.  Separated is still married and all his actions show that not only is he legally married and you are his mistress, he's very emotionally attached to her.  

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2 minutes ago, Bluemoon456 said:

His divorce is not final yet and he is afraid that if she finds out, then she won't let him see his child anymore. I agreed to it because i figured if she knew that he was in a relationship, she would've made things more complicated. BTW, I met him when he had been separated and by himself for 2 years. (He was living on his own)

This is what court-ordered visitation is for -- and if he is not pursuing that he is clearly making a statement that he would prefer to be in this endless dance with her than have an independent life. This guy is a complete waste of time -- yes breaking up with him will be difficult for a few months, but believe me, once you are out of it for a while, you will feel so much better.  I would advise that you do some work on yourself to determine why you are willing to settle for practically nothing in a relationship that costs you so much. That is a big problem and you need to figure that out as you move forward. 

 

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Ever hear of delayed gratification? Think of it as your reward after a limited period of mourning after the break up. How about thinking, Yes, I'll be upset for a while because I cared about him, even though he's not a good partner for me. But I'm resilient, and over time, will heal and learn from this experience.

You''ll be exchanging the permanent anxiety of being with someone like this for a temporary anxiety of letting him go. Doesn't that make sense to you?

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20 hours ago, Bluemoon456 said:

His divorce is not final yet and he is afraid that if she finds out, then she won't let him see his child anymore. I agreed to it because i figured if she knew that he was in a relationship, she would've made things more complicated. BTW, I met him when he had been separated and by himself for 2 years. (He was living on his own)

So Blue Moon, you DO know why he hasn't told his wife, then.   

In view of this, my advice is going to alter a bit.   I still don't believe his still has feelings for her or anything.  I do believe he's trying to avoid ugliness.  But here's the thing, life is messy.  And if you WERE to become his wife and his daughter's stepmom, TRUST ME- there will be challenging times.  So, think about this- If he's unwilling NOW to proclaim that you are his woman and just deal with the backlash from his wife, then what are things going to look like when she really IS is ex-wife and you are trying to co-parent together? 

Even once they are divorced, you are going to have to deal with their dynamic constantly as a stepparent. 

Also, he's already said he wants to marry you and he's not even divorced yet?   I hope you know what a HUGE red flag that is.  It sounds a lot like he doesn't know how to be an adult without a woman taking care of him.  Maybe he just wants to know he'll have help and have that lined up for once his divorce is final. 

I strongly urge you to consider what I said above. 

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On 12/6/2021 at 11:27 PM, Bluemoon456 said:

When I say without him, i mean when we "break up". The times that we have tried to break up or take a break, I feel awful... I don't eat or sleep. I have anxiety all the time. During these times, the thought of him with another woman keeps me up at night. Before I met him, I feel like my life was more peaceful. I wasn't as stressed or anxious.  

I can do my own thing and focus on things that i like because i know we are together... but as soon as we fight, it feels like i can't even get out of bed 😞

Do you really want to live your life like this?  No?  Then do something about it.

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