How do people get over the first person they made love with?

throoawao · December 6, 2021

Hey all. Another question to see how others dealt with breakups, but now regarding the intimate side.
quick backstory- I (23F) was with a guy for 3.5 years, very serious relationship, and he was the first guy i was ever intimate with, in all respects besides making out.
Of course, it was always scary to leave him because I was always concerned that I wouldn't find anyone better physically, because I had no one to compare with. However, I eventually realized that the relationship was doing more harm than good, and I put all my fears aside as we parted ways. It's been about 6 months. I've taken my time and truly am in the process of fully healing so I could be my best self for my next partner, however, the intimate aspect of our relationship always took me back. At the end of the day, he's the only one I could associate those pleasures and moments of intimacy with, and that sometimes stings me. What especially gets me is thinking that he is intimate with others, though I know its so silly to be bothered by that, because I will eventually be intimate with someone else too, I just suppose it is icky to think of someone who you thought was yours, with some other woman.

How did you guys get over your first intimate lover? Does it just go away when you have sex again?
I want to wait for the right guy to come along, and really have that relationship be what I've been looking for, so I suppose wouldn't want to hookup to just associate new memories.

with love,

Throo

junebug123 · December 6, 2021

Yes, basically. You either start investing your self in your new partner and they become your focus or your heavily invest yourself in a path that's more interesting then your previous partner. The truth is a lot of people believe that there is a set period of time required to 'get' over someone, but I once spoke with someone who was in a seven year relationship with someone and 2 weeks out of the relationship he met someone new who was actually a better match for him. And he told me he got over his past relationship in about 3-6 months.

I found that the reason why I struggled to get over many of my past partners was due to the limiting belief that I couldn't find someone better then them. Its a similar psychology to why people stay in miserable jobs for long periods of time. Its sad really, but the reality is that there is probably always a better person or job out there. Its up to you, in order to improve enough to obtain that position or person.

Edited December 6, 2021 by junebug123

MissCanuck · December 6, 2021

4 hours ago, throoawao said:

How did you guys get over your first intimate lover?

With time and healing, it goes away (in my experience)

When you're truly ready to date again and meet a guy you're excited about, it is unlikely that you will still be struggling with these thoughts. I think you're still working on moving past him (and it sounds like you're on the right track), so it follows that you need more time to let go of the intimate side of things as well.

You'll get there.

Rose Mosse · December 6, 2021

I remembered less and less of what was past and more of what I'd gained which is a better life for myself and in turn a better version of myself that I could share with those I love.

It's ok to grieve and feel sad but try to recognize when your thoughts keep going around in circles and change that. If you keep telling yourself "he's with someone else ..yuck", you will keep feeling yucky! Practice gratitude for the small and big things.

In the big picture you both were not good for each other and you described the relationship as doing more harm than good. Look into that a bit more and see what you did to contribute to that. Don't make the same mistakes twice.

Batya33 · December 6, 2021

I didn't feel I had to. I was 24 my first time with my serious boyfriend (same age) and it was Superbowl Sunday lol (touchdown I guess!). We broke up over 2 years later. I didn't need to "get over" because I like the memories, I didn't love our very first time because I felt pressured (yes I fully consented!) - and I'd thought I'd wait till marriage but all in all -good memories, good first experience -why "get over it"? I didn't have intercourse again until a year after we broke up. That experience wasn't affected by my first at all . I dated a lot that year just I didn't have casual sex ever so the men I dated we never got to that very serious, in love point that was consistent with my standards.

My sense is your issue is not getting over your first but getting over all your insecurities you presented with when you were with him - your doubts about him. -those are the negative associations. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. Time does help.

I'd avoid having the mindset that this situation is some sort of "healing process" or psychospeak words like that - get down to basics, use common sense - when you say process what does that look like on a basic level to you -on an hourly or daily level? And what do you mean by "best self?" I mean specifically -again not some kind of terms you think you're supposed to label this situation with.

Obviously people want to treat other people with kindness and compassion and thoughtfulness including potential romantic partners - does that require you being your "best self" at all times? Does it mean you will never even think about your first lover when you're with a new partner?

Avoid labels because it will slow down any "process" you are in. Each day choose one action you will do that is consistent with being a good person whether it's being good to others or yourself.

Choose one strategy per week that you will do when you feel yourself not feeling your best or being overly insecure about relationships. It might be 4-7-8 breathing, or angry cleaning, or cardio exercise or calling a friend but not talking about yourself. Or something else.

Get down to basics. What you're experiencing is typical of so many people who want to meet someone and broke up with someone. Don't make it more intense or dramatic than it is. Good luck!

Edited December 6, 2021 by Batya33

Wiseman2 · December 6, 2021

10 hours ago, throoawao said:

It's been about 6 months.

Ok. Get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee. Try not to stay frozen in the past ruminating about him.