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Not sure how to proceed..


Coldarmy13
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Back again, folks. After a long time.

M/37 here.

I’ve been dating this F/40 for 6 weeks or so. Probably have had about 8 dates. All have been very enjoyable and really feels like we enjoy each other’s company. In person, it feels effortless and comfortable just like I feel it should be when there’s potential. We have been sleeping together since date number 3.

Likely because I have been catching feelings lately(uhoh) for her, I’ve been wondering more about her interest level. If I text, she will respond even if it’s sometimes many hours apart. We’re adults, that isn’t a big deal. Typically we’ve been getting together on Friday’s since that’s what our schedules allow. Exception being the holiday weekend where she went to her moms out of state. We love about 45 minutes apart, which isn’t ideal but we’ve made it work and have shared the driving each time. If I don’t text first sometimes I won’t hear from her for 2-3 days, which again, is okay. It has, however, made me wonder if  she’d like to be exclusive or is still at a place to where she’s interested in me more than just dating each weekend. I could ask in person and wouldn’t want to do it through text or anything like that, so that leaves me with a long week of wondering.

Nearly every time I catch feelings first or have the DTR talk before the woman brings it up, it hasn’t gone great so I’m hesitant. I’m in a place now though, that I’d like to be at least exclusive. 

After our date at my place last Friday, I noticed the next day that she had deleted her profile on the two dating apps that we had matched on. I hope that means she is in the same mind frame of no longer looking elsewhere, but I know that isn’t necessarily what that means. 

I think I’m just in my head about it, as is what happens during that period of “dtr chicken” as I call it. The easiest thing is wait a couple of days and try to make plans for this Friday and just keep having fun and having dates, but I’m genuinely interested in more here.

Any advice?

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This is just my opinion for take it for what it’s worth. I try to just be my genuine self with the people I interact with. Sometimes I’m too much for someone and sometimes it’s reverse where the person is too needy.

If you feel like your being reserved now then this could be a pattern moving forward. Normally if I’m already sleeping with someone and especially if I’m having unprotected sex then generally I don’t want to keep sleeping with that person unless I know it’s exclusive.

If in the past it didn’t work out when you opened up too soon, it could be that you didn’t read the person well enough to know what their level of interest was. Just my two cents.

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18 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

This is just my opinion for take it for what it’s worth. I try to just be my genuine self with the people I interact with. Sometimes I’m too much for someone and sometimes it’s reverse where the person is too needy.

If you feel like your being reserved now then this could be a pattern moving forward. Normally if I’m already sleeping with someone and especially if I’m having unprotected sex then generally I don’t want to keep sleeping with that person unless I know it’s exclusive.

If in the past it didn’t work out when you opened up too soon, it could be that you didn’t read the person well enough to know what their level of interest was. Just my two cents.

Exactly my feeling here. That I don’t know her interest level and maybe that’s what has me anxious, which isn’t a healthy reason why to bring it up. 

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19 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:

Exactly my feeling here. That I don’t know her interest level and maybe that’s what has me anxious, which isn’t a healthy reason why to bring it up. 

Alright. If you want to know a women’s interest level, there’s a few simple things you can do. First, let them lead.

See how often they reach out and how often they attempt to meet with you. Next, what are the interactions like when you are with each other. Is she all over you, or is she aloof and distant.

Someone who is interested won’t hold back as much and you will know right away if you are digging you more than you are digging them. Generally the feeling I get from women who are too into me is, they annoy me.

However, I prefer women who are more reserved and who challenge me. So that’s just my preference. There’s no right or wrong way to do things in a relationship. Waiting longer to be exclusive or not probably isn’t going to change that persons level of attraction for you.

I try my best to weed people out who are just stringing me along for an ego boost or out of boredom. It seems like you may not have realized that was happening in the past and blamed yourself for opening up.

Im sorry that happened to you. The best way to avoid that from happening is to date several people at once and commit to the one who shows the most interest in you.

Good luck man I hope it works out.

Edited by junebug123
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Have you talked at all about if she's looking for a relationship? 

At your ages or really any age, but you guys have been around the block, why play games? 

Be real. Be you. But don't pressure. It's cool for you to know what you want and to brave enough to say it! 

Anyone you scare away with simply talking about eventually wanting a relationship is wasting your time.

At some point you have to get vulnerable. You don't have to declare love for her or propose. but what conversations are you having? 

 

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Why not ask, "What's the dating style you're comfortable with? Multi-dating or focusing on one person?"

I've gotten the feedback I needed when I was in the dating world to know whether to keep dating a guy or not. If we were on totally different pages, I bailed. And I mean at that point of where I was considering being intimate. I was fine with briefly multi-dating, meaning one or two dates where there was no kissing or more.

It's okay to have standards and to do what's comfortable for you. When I dated my husband, he matched me in his dating style, and it was very telling of one major compatibility we shared, and translated to other areas as well.

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I dunno, after almost 2 months I would be interested to see if it goes somewhere else aside of seeing each other once every weekend. You should even probably know stuff like that. For example why is she on dating apps? Is it to find somebody long term or just something casual? What is her situation in general? Job, maybe kids, living arrangements? Does she wants to settle or still just wants fun? Those are all some things you maybe should already know after 8 dates if you even remotely talked to each other about the theme of dating and life. Also, did she deleted dating apps or just deleted and blocked you so you wont see her on it? I am not trying to discourage you, I think its going OK, just saying that if you do want to invest further into relationship, yes, you should know at least in general what she wants from relationships and if and how you fit in all of that.

Also, from the level of interest standpoint, her waiting 2-3 days to even contact you and ask how you are doing is concerning. It doesnt have to mean a thing if you say she enjoys your company and is, for example, engaged in conversations, but nowadays with cell phones, 2-3 days without even contacting isnt really showing high level of interest. Its not a big deal and some people arent like that but at least at start you cant wait to hear from the other person so you wont wait 3 days to contact them. So I think level of interest is a valid concern.

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10 hours ago, Coldarmy13 said:

Nearly every time I catch feelings first or have the DTR talk before the woman brings it up, it hasn’t gone great so I’m hesitant. I’m in a place now though, that I’d like to be at least exclusive.

I'd let this be less about what happened to you before with other women and more about the present moment. If you want to be exclusive, ask her what she thinks about dating you exclusively. If she balks, that is company you should not be afraid to miss. Say goodbye with confidence knowing that she is not the woman for you. 

If she agrees and wants to date you exclusively too, you've gained peace of mind. 

Remember that this is the pursuit of your happiness and you've got one precious life. I choose not to waste it lingering in areas that are cloudy or confusing. You can do the same. 

 

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I don't think people's communication style really changes much after the talk.  If she's slow to respond in the beginning when things are the most exciting, will you ultimately feel more connected after the talk and she continues to go days or hours in between communication?  Something to think about.

At this point it's neither too early or too late.  Personally, I'd sit on my anxiety at least through the holiday.  It's often written that this is an awkward time of year to start a relationship.  What then, if you two decide to be exclusive?  Holiday dinner with the families?  It may be too soon for that.

I would give this an end date.  If nothing shifts by the end of the month, then have a talk.   Until then keep busy and enjoy the moments.

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I am curious why you are anxious.  Do you want to have the talk because you want to lock her down so you don't loose her to some other guy?

  Your intent is what is most important.  It has been a pretty short amount of time dating and not a lot of time together in person so you shouldn't be feeling like you are wasting your time on someone that doesn't want what you want but I agree it should have come up by now.  Not the talk but you both should have expressed openly what you want, causal dating, LDR, FWB, Marriage or whatever.  If you know what you want and she has said what she wants and they match then taking this from dating to being exclusive doesn't need to be rushed.

 You don't have to talk about being exclusive yet but you can make a statement to her.  "I really like you and enjoy our time together so I have taken down my profiles so I can focus on seeing where this can go"   This is an honest statement and you should not be afraid of speaking up and letting her know where you are at in this.  This doesn't mean she has to take hers down or only date you, this is what you are doing.

  Since she has already taken hers down it is a safe move in my opinion.  I am sure she has checked to see if you have done the same. 

  Keep dating, keep learning about her and relax.

Lost

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7 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

you can make a statement to her.  "I really like you and enjoy our time together so I have taken down my profiles so I can focus on seeing where this can go"  

Agree. Many women do not want to continue having sex with someone who won't focus on them. They don't want the thought that as soon as you zip up you're off on your next date or having sex with others.

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Regarding the baggage from the past, please understand that an exclusivity conversation doesn't make a person run. They run because they were already on their way out the door, you just didn't realize that. In that respect, the conversation actually accomplished what it intended - make your position and their position clear and stopped you from investing and wasting your time on someone who wasn't interested.

On that note, I think you do need to simply speak up. Things like what her and your dating goals at large are should have already come up and if it hasn't, it's time. Talking about communication style and expectations can clear up so much for the both of you. Could be she just doesn't need that much, could be that she is afraid to step up and scare you off, while you are wondering if she isn't interested. Could be that she has been taught to always let the man chase and never step up too early. Could be that she is a bit slow to warm into that. Could be a million other things. Just talk about it and clear the air. Don't jump at her with what you need, but rather ask her about how she sees and feels about these things and listen.

There is literally nothing more refreshing than a man who can open a conversation about these things and check in that you are both on the same page instead of stewing quietly and growing resentful.

 

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Many women do not want to continue having sex with someone who won't focus on them. They don't want the thought that as soon as you zip up you're off on your next date or having sex with others.

This is sort of where I’m at. I don’t want her to think I’m just in it for kicks.

To answer a couple replies here, we have talked about what we were looking for and how we were both looking for a meaningful connecting and wanting long term dating.

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8 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dunno, after almost 2 months I would be interested to see if it goes somewhere else aside of seeing each other once every weekend. You should even probably know stuff like that. For example why is she on dating apps? Is it to find somebody long term or just something casual? What is her situation in general? Job, maybe kids, living arrangements? Does she wants to settle or still just wants fun? Those are all some things you maybe should already know after 8 dates if you even remotely talked to each other about the theme of dating and life. Also, did she deleted dating apps or just deleted and blocked you so you wont see her on it? I am not trying to discourage you, I think its going OK, just saying that if you do want to invest further into relationship, yes, you should know at least in general what she wants from relationships and if and how you fit in all of that.

Also, from the level of interest standpoint, her waiting 2-3 days to even contact you and ask how you are doing is concerning. It doesnt have to mean a thing if you say she enjoys your company and is, for example, engaged in conversations, but nowadays with cell phones, 2-3 days without even contacting isnt really showing high level of interest. Its not a big deal and some people arent like that but at least at start you cant wait to hear from the other person so you wont wait 3 days to contact them. So I think level of interest is a valid concern.

I agree it is. Everything was very good in person last Friday but she could always just enjoy my company but my gut says if her interest level is high that I’d hear more from her but everyone’s different.

Probably why I’d like to see where we are at.

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When I really liked a guy I was more afraid to reach out. Which makes no sense. It left me in an anxious limbo because I just WOULD NOT SPEAK UP.

She might be worried about "scaring you off" by appearing overly needy. And that's why a talk letting her know where you're at could be immensely helpful.

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8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:


Hey! I’ve been in bed all day, woke up sick. I appreciate you being so open and forward with me and I want to be just as open. I really like you and I love our time together. I actually can’t believe how comfortable I felt with you almost immediately. Part of me would like nothing more than to explore a serious relationship with you, but I have a deep calling within myself right now to just be alone and deeply care for my body and heart. I don’t know how to explain it other than my health needs to take top priority and I think I need to be alone to do this. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear and honestly I have struggled to even say it. But you deserve somebody who can commit to you in all the ways you deserve. My body is telling me that that’s not me and it wouldn’t be fair to you to pursue a relationship when I’m not able to give you 100%

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53 minutes ago, Coldarmy13 said:
8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:


Hey! I’ve been in bed all day, woke up sick. I appreciate you being so open and forward with me and I want to be just as open. I really like you and I love our time together. I actually can’t believe how comfortable I felt with you almost immediately. Part of me would like nothing more than to explore a serious relationship with you, but I have a deep calling within myself right now to just be alone and deeply care for my body and heart. I don’t know how to explain it other than my health needs to take top priority and I think I need to be alone to do this. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear and honestly I have struggled to even say it. But you deserve somebody who can commit to you in all the ways you deserve. My body is telling me that that’s not me and it wouldn’t be fair to you to pursue a relationship when I’m not able to give you 100%

I'm confused, is that what @lostandhurtwrote or what the woman you're dating wrote?

If it was from her, well, that couldn't have been fun to read but at least 1) she was honest and 2) you know instead of wondering.

You're a great guy.  The right woman will be delighted to have a guy like you.

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16 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm confused, is that what @lostandhurtwrote or what the woman you're dating wrote?

If it was from her, well, that couldn't have been fun to read but at least 1) she was honest and 2) you know instead of wondering.

You're a great guy.  The right woman will be delighted to have a guy like you.

That was what she sent me when I texted her saying essentially that I was deleted my profiles and wanting to focus on this and where it could go.

I couldn’t figure out how to get rid of the quote when I replied on my phone. 

Edited by Coldarmy13
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