Should I send my crush and close friend of mine this goodbye email?

[Leelord]

 

Firstly, I don't know what I would do without you in my life. It is part of each of our routines talking with one another and you know how I feel about you too.  Words cannot express that either. Timeless moments, amazing adventures together.  However, it feels different now talking with you as you do have a boyfriend.  I feel like out of respect, I should take a break (although it makes me super sad, better to hurt now than being hung up) and take some time to myself. We can still stay friends, as you really are family to me, and I am your shoulder to lean on, but I feel I need to think of you in a different way from now on, give up the pursuit, and move on. You are just incredibly nice, and so are all of the Turkish people. Many things get lost in translation with you and me, lol, so that makes me think we have just a more spiritual connection than realistic if you think about it. You just being you and super nice to me has made me semi obsessed and it is not healthy for me knowing you don't feel the same way. 

 

Yesterday, I felt hurt for a few hours from seeing you so happy with another guy, but then when I thought about it, you were happy and that was what really matters.  Actually after I sent that email to you yesterday, soon after I had a breakthrough where I felt full of energy and happiness and all I wanted to do was work out at the gym, I felt like I let go mentally...and turned that energy towards myself. It is easier to love another than oneself.  Time is precious and so is my time too, and I don't want an emotional barrier to keep me from meeting someone special.  I hope you understand. 

 

We should talk about this too one day on the phone too, I just love talking with you by the way about anything, I don't know why, which is rare for me.  I should have talked with you in Istanbul a year ago but neither of us wanted to bring it up, instead we just wanted to ignore it and have fun together which was also nice though. I feel like I might burst into tears if I do talk with you.  Scary how fast time is just flying by.  I just want to give you a big hug right now and tell you I am here for you for life too...really wish I could...we are all in this life together.  It hurts me tremendously potentially having to say goodbye one day as you are in my top 3 closest friends that I have, but if I fall in love with another woman in my future, and I will, then you and I will have to take solace in one another knowing we are both happy as I will only have eyes for her if she's the right one. The feelings I have for you are not appropriate in your given circumstance and makes me feel like crap, and it's not healthy.  You and I are writing new chapters in our lives too. I know we are both very nice people, and neither wants to say goodbye, and maybe we won't have to. One thing I will miss the most is picturing you smiling when we message about silly stuff and we both smile together. Knowing you're smiling with someone else like that actually makes me feel good too. Life is about happiness. 

 

sincerely,

Lee

[WaywardKiwi]

5 minutes ago, Leelord said:

Firstly, I don't know what I would do without you in my life. It is part of each of our routines talking with one another and you know how I feel about you too.  Words cannot express that either. Timeless moments, amazing adventures together.  However, it feels different now talking with you as you do have a boyfriend.  I feel like out of respect, I have to stop communicating with you should take a break (although it makes me super sad, better to hurt now than being hung up) and take some time to myself. We can still stay friends, as you really are family to me, and I am your shoulder to lean on, but I feel I need to think of you in a different way from now on, give up the pursuit, and move on. You are just incredibly nice, and so are all of the Turkish people. Many things get lost in translation with you and me, lol, so that makes me think we have just a more spiritual connection than realistic if you think about it. You just being you and super nice to me has made me semi obsessed and it is not healthy for me knowing you don't feel the same way. 

 

Yesterday, I felt hurt for a few hours from seeing you so happy with another guy, but then when I thought about it, you were happy and that was what really matters.  Actually after I sent that email to you yesterday, soon after I had a breakthrough where I felt full of energy and happiness and all I wanted to do was work out at the gym, I felt like I let go mentally...and turned that energy towards myself. It is easier to love another than oneself.  Time is precious and so is my time too, and I don't want an emotional barrier to keep me from meeting someone special.  I hope you understand. 

 

We should talk about this too one day on the phone too, I just love talking with you by the way about anything, I don't know why, which is rare for me.  I should have talked with you in Istanbul a year ago but neither of us wanted to bring it up, instead we just wanted to ignore it and have fun together which was also nice though. I feel like I might burst into tears if I do talk with you.  Scary how fast time is just flying by.  I just want to give you a big hug right now and tell you I am here for you for life too...really wish I could...we are all in this life together.  It hurts me tremendously potentially having to say goodbye one day as you are in my top 3 closest friends that I have, but if I fall in love with another woman in my future, and I will, then you and I will have to take solace in one another knowing we are both happy as I will only have eyes for her if she's the right one. the feelings I have for you are not appropriate in your given circumstance and makes me feel like crap, and it's not healthy.  You and I are writing new chapters in our lives too. I know we are both very nice people, and neither wants to say goodbye, and maybe we won't have to. One thing I will miss the most is picturing you smiling when we message about silly stuff and we both smile together. Knowing you're smiling with someone else like that actually makes me feel good too. Life is about happiness. 

Please do not reply to this email, and don't reach out to me. I don't want to block you, but if I need to in order to move on, I will.

sincerely,

Lee

Hey Lee,

I can relate to the struggle you are going through. You need to be assertive and sure, both with her and with yourself. I suggest adding the bold and deleting the underlined parts. Its your voice, but you cant hedge or undermine yourself. 

T

[Capricorn3]

NO.  To be blunt, I can't believe that after your previous thread asking about letters you want to send her, and all the responses have been an outright NO, you come back with yet another inappropriate letter. 

She's got a boyfriend.  Respect that. You have no place there anymore since you have a romantic interest in her.  You seem to be living in some kind of fantasy world and lost touch with reality.  Sorry for being so blunt, but you really need a reality check.  It's okay to have crushes, but you cross the line when you start sending them all kinds of inappropriate emails/letters.   Don't think that by sending that, that she will magically "fall in love with you".  That ain't gonna happen.  If anything, you're shooting yourself in the foot here and it will backfire on you.  She'll probably be so freaked out, and creeped out (rightly so), that she'll end the friendship forever. 

Keep it simple.  Just do a slow fade.  No need for dramatic "goodbye" letters. 

[Leelord]

Kiwi and Capricorn, I think you hit the nail on the head actually with that one.  You both are so very wise and I'm very thankful for the replies. What an asset you both are to enotalone.   I don't think I'm going to send anything actually, will just go silent and the slow fade seems like the best option, Honestly I don't even want to think about her at all as that helps met he most.... she replied to my instagram story today actually  :/   I didn't even want to read it but I did.  I may just have to block her as she doesn't have restraint when talking to other guys that like her while she's dating.  Thank you also for editing that email Kiwi,  it shows love and respect for myself in a more assertive way too.  

[WaywardKiwi]

Hey Lee,

While I don't fundamentally disagree with Capricorn, I still believe you should send the email for three reasons:

First, you need to actually say "I wont settle for less than what I want and deserve" to the object of your infatuation, whether you believe it or not. You deserve to find a woman who is into you as you are into her; someone you don't hide your true feelings from. Someone who, after the exhilirating high of being around them, sends you crashing into misery in the inbetween knowing you can't have more. I have been there, more than once with more than one woman, and it wasn't until I found the courage to speak up and say I can't do this, I want more and if I can't have it I am walking away, that I started down the road to believing it. In fact, check my second thread here on enotalone for more details. 

Second, you need to burn your bridges, so to speak. I see through you Lee. You know that by saying nothing, by slow fading away, you can easily send a like, a message, an email anytime and just start right back up again. Honestly, you need her to know she cannot try to contact you, that even if you should find your way around the blocks and send her a message, she should not respond. You need to make it clear that your are not her friend anymore, because you want to be more. 

Finally, you should send the message because it is immeasurably kinder than ghosting someone who has believed you a good friend for years. You have been there for so long, even if it is (lets be honest) under false pretences. You need to admit you fault. You need to give her peace of mind as to why you will disappear. 

As an aside, I have no doubt from your posts here that you have more than once professed your feelings to her over the years, with the same crushing results each time. She is well aware of your feelings, and while it is not her fault you were not in the right place to end it when you should have, she will not be so shocked when you send that email. Hopefully she will be relieved, and even respect you for standing up for yourself. Use your own words, you're are clearly and emotional and sensitive man, and should end it saying whatever seems appropriate to you, given the advantage of the years of knowing each other.

My two cents,

T

[Jibralta]

Lee, I don't know if you're going to send the letter or not. But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a healthy perspective about the situation. Definitely follow your own advice, whether you send the letter or not. You are setting yourself up for happiness.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

She's got a boyfriend.  Respect that.   No need for dramatic "goodbye" letters. 

Agree. Stop sending her these creepy depressing emails. You need to move on with your life and stop inundating her with your overly verbose philosophical life story and feelings. 

If you want to be social media friends,fine. Leave it at that and stop pestering her.

[Batya33]

No.  Unless you can read it to her in person or on the phone where she gets to respond then no.  Not appropriate to hide behind a computer screen especially since her boyfriend might see it.  Since she has a boyfriend, then no it's not appropriate to contact her right now. 

Also so much of the e-mail is about you.  She's moved on.  A long wordy email which is so much about you is not appropriate in these circumstances.  And she knows she is a good person -she doesn't need to hear it from an ex.   Writing it hopefully helped you get stuff out.  Delete it it now that you've written it because otherwise you may be tempted to send.

[catfeeder]

I believe that goodbye emails, no matter how beautifully written, come off as self-serving, manipulative and overly dramatic. Not exactly the farewell I'd want to shoot for.

There is no position to stand on when a romantic interest is involved with another lover. Her behavior speaks for itself, and so mine would, too--I'd move my focus onto attainable goals, and I'd forget about releasing a piece of writing into the universe that I can never un-do. I'd rather maintain control over my own thoughts in ways that I will never regret later.

Head high, write here instead of 'there,' and trust that you will thank yourself countless times for keeping your dignity and your privacy in tact.

[MissCanuck]

No, don't send this one either. 

You need to leave her be and not write emails or other professions of your love and feelings. Journal those thoughts instead. 

[Spawn]

No Lee. What's worth spending your time would be planning your life ahead, spending more time with friends, family and whatever that interests you. Block her off from your social media, phones and email,  all these tools just holds you back.

[waffle]

10 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

 No need for dramatic "goodbye" letters. 

 

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

I believe that goodbye emails, no matter how beautifully written, come off as self-serving, manipulative and overly dramatic. 

I totally agree with the above. 

I think it's fine to write e-mails/letters like this, but don't send them.  You're not writing it for her anyway, you're writing it for yourself.

But if for some reason you just feel like you need to "have your say" then make it short and sweet and factual.  I have to bow out and move on, I wish you happiness, etc.  Something like that. One time in my younger and dumber days I wrote a relatively long and dramatic goodbye letter to someone . . . he didn't read it.  And now that I'm older and wiser, I don't blame him.  She won't read it either.  Save the drama and flowery language for yourself, but don't send it to her because it's a waste. 

[boltnrun]

It's a very transparent attempt to get her to view you as a romantic partner.  You're trying to show her how much better you would be for her than her boyfriend is.  But she doesn't feel the same way.

Please stop plotting to send her emails and letters and any other kind of communication.  If you put that much time, effort and energy into dating women who actually want to be with you, you could be in a love relationship of your own by now.

[smackie9]

We all know what you are trying to do....having that last ditch effort to express your love and disappointment to see if she will drop everything to be with you. Get that out of your head. Just keep silent and ignore her. If she starts sending you messages asking what is wrong, that's when you politely decline any further communication with her. Don't make it long winded and dramatic. Keep it short and simple. Tell her it's not a good idea to talk to each other and that you need your space. If she probes for more, tell her it's pretty obvious you have feelings for her, and being friends won't work. It's best to just part ways.

[Leelord]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Her behavior speaks for itself, and so mine would, too--I'd move my focus onto attainable goals, and I'd forget abo

Just want to say a Thank You for everyone who replied with their advice. It means a lot to me, and you are all amazing people.  I did not send the email as much as I wanted to at the time I wrote it. I believe you are correct and the idea of a relationship with her is an idealistic delusion I must get over. I just don't even want to have thoughts of her harboring in my mind, and I don't even want to look at her pictures anymore either.  Thank you all again. 

[gamon]

Whew.

You've kept more of your self respect than you otherwise would have had you sent that weak sappy letter that she would have at best ignored and at worst laughed at with the new guy.

There will be other weak moments.

Bookmark that last post of yours and read it as necessary.

[Leelord]

22 hours ago, Leelord said:

You and I are writing new chapters in our lives too. I know we are both very nice people, and neither wants to say goodbye, and maybe we won't have to. One thing I will miss

Update.  I have deleted her from instagram and facebook, something I have never done in 8 years.  I am not as sad as I thought I'd be because I know she is happy with that other guy and her happiness was all I cared about.  I feel like a stronger person now.  I have never been in this situation before, even at 37, as I was deeply in love with a crush and it was an unhealthy delusion.  Thank you all again for all the excellent advice.  I hope I can find true happiness going forward. 

[Coily]

Good for you in taking the first steps to extract yourself from this fantasy. It's a difficult and messy journey, you will want to backslide quite a bit, but be strong and forge ahead. If anything hand write a note, and then tear it up and throw it in the trash whenever you start feeling for her again. The symbolic trashing of these notes will help you remember that she's gone and you are better off looking for a way ahead.

[Rose Mosse]

On 12/5/2021 at 9:40 PM, Leelord said:

Update.  I have deleted her from instagram and facebook, something I have never done in 8 years.  I am not as sad as I thought I'd be because I know she is happy with that other guy and her happiness was all I cared about.  I feel like a stronger person now.  I have never been in this situation before, even at 37, as I was deeply in love with a crush and it was an unhealthy delusion.  Thank you all again for all the excellent advice.  I hope I can find true happiness going forward. 

Yes, move on. This was harmful to you in the long term. Don't be afraid to move forwards and get to know people who are available and single. Avoid putting anyone on a pedestal or idolizing anyone. We all have our flaws and it takes time to get to know a person.