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Should I move abroad with my partner?


oli123
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My boyfriend (27) and I (25) have been together for 2 years and are currently living together in France. He has been told by his boss that they'd like to send him to Montreal for a year or so for work: he still has to do interviews, but it's looking pretty favourable towards him. Our relationship has been pretty solid despite COVID restrictions, but I don't want to go long-distance. His sister lives in Canada (albeit an 8-hour drive from Montreal), but I don't know anyone out there and have never been. He's asked me to go with him if he goes, but I'm unsure for a couple of reasons.

My career wouldn't be affected so much, since I was looking to change jobs at the end of my current contract anyway.

My main issues are the following:

1) Will we have animosity towards one another for having moved over there (or having stayed here if he chooses not to go) if things don't turn out? This could possibly cause us to go our separate ways anyway.

2) He is a home bird and, on going to Montreal the other month, said he didn't really picture himself living there.

3) Like many others, he is unable to commit to saying that he wants to be with me forever. It's fine usually, but when you're putting all your eggs in one basket, it's nice to know that you are doing it for someone who's on the same page as you. He just says that he hasn't wanted to be with anyone else since we started dating and doesn't know what he'd do without what we have: we plan the future together but he's unable to say I'm "the one" for him since "no one can ever say for certain what will happen, so it would be lying to say that it will definitely happen."

4) There's no guarantee he'd only go for a year.

I'm feeling very conflicted. Does anyone have any advice?

Edited by oli123
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11 minutes ago, oli123 said:

he is unable to commit to saying that he wants to be with me forever.

At some level you know this would be a good time to finally part ways and live your own life in your own environment with your own friends, your own family and your own career goals. 

 Why would anyone uproot their lives for someone who doesn't care and has no interest in a committed relationship? It would be a fantastic time to finally get rid of him and find someone who cares enough about you tp pursue a commtted relationship

Is this the same man?:

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 minute ago, oli123 said:

Though he does show his commitment in other ways (moving in, planning things in the future like refurbishing a place), I would tend to agree with you. No, it's not the same person. 

Playing house is a convenience, not a commitment. He unilaterally chose to select and interview for this job. Don't follow like a puppy when you have no idea about the place, do not have a visa, or job and know no one. Live your own life. 

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Because of number 3, I'd definitely break up. After being with someone for 2 years, that's time enough to know if you're really desiring to spend a lifetime with someone. You should have established compatibilities in ethics and life goals, chemistry, and if you truly enjoy each others companionship. His voicing what he said in that last paragraph is nonsense. Of course, you can't guarantee a relationships success. But you take what has happened over the years as a good sign your partner will continue to make the same effort for a lifetime of happiness. He's using a barrier to prevent moving on to the next expected stage in a successful union, so basically if you stay, don't wait around hoping to move from the bottom rung of the ladder. And the view is much better at the top.

That said, if you did go to Canada, don't expect to easily get a job there. Unless it's a case like your bf's, other countries try to save jobs for their own citizens. I know, because I was once a Navy wife. Although Puerto Rico is an American territory, it was well known that Navy spouses were limited to getting jobs on the base.

So unless your bf is earning oodles of money and wouldn't care if he had to support you in Canada, then yes, you could have fun and explore a new country like having an extended vacation.

You've had some relationship experiences to now tuck under your belt and learn from, so that you can choose a better partner in your future. Good luck.

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How much research have you done to learn whether you'd even be allowed to work in Canada?

I wouldn't change my whole life for someone who hasn't even recognized a true commitment to me, forget that.

Sure, it would be convenient for BF to have a built-in GF in his new place, but that's hardly something I'd translate into anything meaningful for me.

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On 12/4/2021 at 10:17 AM, oli123 said:

Though he does show his commitment in other ways (moving in, planning things in the future like refurbishing a place), I would tend to agree with you. No, it's not the same person. 

That's not presumably related to a relationship commitment -that's about sharing physical living space.  I would not move unless there are imminent plans to get engaged or you are engaged -or if you do move only if you have your own place, a job, reasons beyond him to relocate-  and date him casually - he's not committed to marrying you or being long term with you so I wouldn't follow him in this instance.

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24 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I'd be interested to know what his answer would be if the tables were turned. Would he move to another country for your work if it affected his work and his life?

It's one thing to say he would, but would he actually do it?

Also is he going to fund all the costs associated with you moving and obtaining all the work permissions, etc? Is he going to help you with the paperwork?  I relocated 800 miles away from all family 6 months after we married and had our son.  From where I'd lived for 43 years.  Domestic relocation. For husband's work and career.  I'd worked in my career for 15 years at that point after a shorter, previous career.

I still needed permissions/approvals to go back to work in my area when I decided to (years later) and I had a lot of other paperwork - ranging from voter registration, medical forms, finding new doctors, etc etc.  It's a big deal.  I would not have done it unless we were married and we discussed relocation as soon as we started dating (because we'd been engaged in the distant past so it wasn't too early to discuss) - and I was open to it with certain conditions as to location.  He helped me with the paperwork, drove me to the places where I needed to go to get it all done, etc.  

Edited by Batya33
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It depends on how much of an adventurous and resourceful person you are. You know, having to really think on your feet to make all this happen and have a backup plan if you couldn't get work. Is he willing to take care of the bills, etc when you can't. His company is handling everything, and of course he gets a quick pass heading to a new branch. The question is, will he be making enough to have a decent lifestyle and to support you if needed?

My friend uprooted her life for a guy she met in an online game I introduced her too. Her, west coast, him Quebec, and she didn't speak a lick of French. She could never be in her profession because of that. She struggled but persevered. She just got on fb and found her friends that way through groups. That's  how she found jobs too.

OP don't do this for him, do this for yourself. If you are up for the experience then go for it...but if you are way too cozy and happy where you are, then you either try long distance or end it and remain as friends.

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I’m just going to comment on the city itself, not your relationship.

Montreal is a great city, especially in the summer.  However, it is a “French first” city, so unless you speak French you may have difficulty finding a job if you can get a work visa. If you speak France French you should not have any issues as Quebecois French is a bit slang compared to France. 

Pros: Food is amazingly good, it is very cold in the winter and there is lots of snow, however, folks have learned to embrace the cold and have many fun winter activities.  I went to an amazing meal at a sugar shack once, I believe it was Joe Beef who set-up an eating venue in the woods that was beyond amazing. People there are physically fit and ride speed bikes AKA the Tour de France type a lot.  I recall 3 bike shop located on the corner of one intersection. There is a rich history in Montreal with religion and churches playing a main role in both history and architecture.

Cons: it is very cold in the winter, like minus 30 Celsius.  Your thighs will burn if you run in tights. You might find this unbearable and Montreal recently outlawed the use of wood burning fire places. You will find it difficult to make friends unless you are somewhat set-up there.  The Quebecois have a unique sense of humor - you might want to watch Just for Laughs the French version with the hidden camera (don’t worry there are no words) to see if you can align with their jokes and slightly unusual ways.

I’d say the hardest part will be the long winters, but that’s just me.

Good luck with your decision.

 

Edited by sadchick83
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On 12/4/2021 at 10:51 AM, Andrina said:

Because of number 3, I'd definitely break up. After being with someone for 2 years, that's time enough to know if you're really desiring to spend a lifetime with someone. You should have established compatibilities in ethics and life goals, chemistry, and if you truly enjoy each others companionship

Yup, I second this.  He'd know by now.

Let him figure this all out for himself.  Do not follow him out there.

Think for yourself in this... so no regrets.

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