Friend saying I'm disrespectful, am I wrong?

[Tonight.majestic]

I was supposed to call my friend for a minor thing but instead ended up texting him. There were no arrangements or meetups or anything like that. 

My friend then calls me back asking if I'm alright in an upset tone. Then proceeds to text me how I'm being disrespectful because I don't listen, how I'm not going to do well at my job because I don't listen, how I don't give a crap, etc. 

I'm at a loss of words. I know I can get a little careless with texting and calling but I don't mean it as a sign of disrespect. 

Another time, I kept forgetting some acquaintances names and again, my friend said I'm purposely being disrespectful. 

I'm a female and this is a male friend, about 20 years older than me, who does happen to have unreciprocated romantic interests in me. 

What I've noticed is that he's always trying to guide me, give advice and generally, "fix me". I understand that I've got negative traits but I feel like he spends far more energy into pointing out what's wrong with me and how I should improve whereas I don't really say anything negative about him. 

I've dealt with friends in the past who blew me off repeatedly but it was to a much bigger degree and in the end, I lowered my expectations and accepted that some people are just like that. 

Am I being disrespectful?

[throoawao]

Hey Tonight, 
Cute profile pic, I absolutely love corgis. 
Ok first off, no you're not being disrespectful. Your friend, as you said, who is 20 years older, clearly feels like he has the upper hand. There are many friendships that have such a large age gap, but the respect shouldn't change, you two are friends, he is not your dad/older brother/uncle/husband/etc to 'guide' you or 'fix you'. 

Tonight, you're walking on eggshells with him and you shouldn't. As I said, this is your supposed friend, someone you could be yourself around and not feel like you're being reprimanded... If he gets so upset and accusing you of being disrespectful when you are not being disrespectful at all, you're just not doing what he wants, which I think is a horrible thing to be upset about.

I suggest you either tell him that you don't appreciate being accused of being disrespectful and that you don't want to be reprimanded because you're not a child. Tell him how it is, and if he doesn't agree or continues to behave this way, I suggest distancing yourself from him. From my experience, people like this will only make you feel like you constantly have to please them, perhaps a type of narcissism, that'll make you feel responsible for their mood, etc.

Also, given the unreciprocated romantic interests, it makes sense why he is acting like this. He's perhaps upset that he is feeling vulnerable with you and you aren't. I don't think that's a good dynamic, I highly suggest you tell him this and confront him, or he'll take you as submissive and keep making you feel like this.

Good luck and don't let people step all over you,

Throo

[Wiseman2]

He's not your friend. He's controlling and abusive. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

[Tonight.majestic]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He's not your friend. He's controlling and abusive. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

The minor thing was - I told him that I was going to call him before leaving. Instead, I admit, I got lazy and texted him, I'm leaving now. He later said this was disrespectful and that I don't listen. 

 

[catfeeder]

The problem with continuing to play friendzies with someone who has voiced a romantic interest in you is that it's no longer a friendship. It's you trying to be friends with someone who has an agenda.

The guy is your frienemy, not your friend. He's nursing hurt while trying to manipulate you, and his resentment comes out sideways.

You don't have the same investment in this guy, and so it may not have occurred to you that he has one of two focuses at any given time: to either one-up you and knock you down--or convert you to a lover. Anything that doesn't fit into one of those agendas is merely incidental.

So what are you doing with this guy?

Whatever it is, it's not working, and it's costing you peace of mind and time you could otherwise be investing in REAL friendships or a REAL lover.

Head high, and THINK.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, Tonight.majestic said:

The minor thing was - I told him that I was going to call him before leaving. Instead, I admit, I got lazy and texted him, I'm leaving now. He later said this was disrespectful and that I don't listen. 

 

Ok, you must being getting something out of this exchange or just want attention, even this negative type of attention?

If you redirected your energy into real friends and real BFs who you cared about and cared about you, this would become wholly uninteresting to you, no?

[Andrina]

He is wanting more from you emotionally than you can deliver, and he lashed out in anger because he's hurt. He desired something one would expect from a full-fledged partner. He received a text that slapped the reality into his face that his fantasy cannot transform into what he really wants.

End the friendship now. Your ego boost from his crush isn't worth the abuse he gives, nor the barrier he places for your success with any future bf. Do you really think a guy you start dating will stick around when he finds out you hang out with a guy who has a crush on you? Not all friendships are meant to last forever. This one definitely fits into that category.

[Kwothe28]

For texting instead of calling? No, if you said that you will hear from each other, it really doesnt matter unless the thing you talked specifically required a call. He just overreacts. It would be another thing if you said that you will get into contact with him specifically then but you didnt. But you did make contact so dunno how it changes if its phone and not text. 

Just how much is he prone to overreaction? Because this is a severe one. Meaning something really not normal. If I would have to guess it "rubbed" him the wrong way because he somehow thought it was disrespectful. But again, I really dont see how and this is on him, not you. When we get attached too much then we take even smaller things like this at face value. You mentioned unreciprocitated romantic feelings so its maybe that. What he did is not really healthy. And you shouldnt tolerate that kind of incidents. 

[Batya33]

The only possible way this would be disrespectful is if you knew he was driving and couldn't read a text and needed information from the call ASAP -like directions as to how to get to the location or something important.  I agree with the others why he is overreacting/standing on ceremony.

[East4]

His reaction to chastase you is over the top and it is because he has unrequited crush on you. 

The same has happened to me two weeks ago: much older married neighbour that  I sometimes chit-chat with when I run into him and his wife at a local diner, complained that I wasn't being friendly enough last time I was at the diner. I was like what is he talking about? I remember the day in question I swang by to eat dinner after a long day at work and not being in a mood to cook and nodded 'hello' to him and his wife who were busy talking with their friends. To me this suffices as courtesy to neighbours, especially when they are busy with friends and as for me, I enjoy unwinding after a busy day, chewing peacefully my evening meal. 

Next time when I went , neighbour is there without his wife and he comes to my table to give me an angry speech about my keeping to myself the previous time. 

I was laughing, in my head, because I understand very well why he acts like that and nothing to do with my manners. 😅

Similar thing in your situation, OP, and it might be better to distance yourself from this friend. And BTW, what's up with friendship with such huge age difference? What is it that attracts you to this much older friend?

 

[melancholy123]

I think your friend is a jerk and he's the disrespectful one.  Why do you have him as a friend if this is how he treats you?  I'd say goodbye to him.

[Cherylyn]

Your friend is a drama king. 

The problem with texting is that the recipient thinks the person texting them is blunt which is  perceived as terse and curt.  I've grown acclimated to some people in my life who are not wordy.  Hence, their texts are brief sans nuances, emotion and / or emojis.  Texting is different than a phone or in person conversation because it lacks immediate human, heartfelt dialogue and exchange.  Something gets lost in translation with electronic writing.  Often times, texting is exercised with extreme caution to prevent offending the recipient of your texts, emails, messages or voicemails. 

If this friend is important to you, ask him HOW you are disrespectful to him.  You deserve to hear an explanation and if necessary, you have the opportunity to defend yourself. 

He was wrong to lecture you regarding how you are not going to do well at your job because you don't listen.  It's one thing to admonish you because it's between two friends and it should be totally off limits for him to berate you because you can't perform effectively at your place of employment.  He crossed the line and needs to be placed within an enforced boundary.

If you are careless with texting, then tell him that you don't mean it as a sign of disrespect.  Be honest.

Forgetting names of acquaintances is NORMAL.  It's hard to remember everyone's names.  Your friend needs to back off.

Your friend is bitter and resentful regarding unrequitted interests in you.  Since this is an awkward situation for both of you, perhaps you need to drift apart and fade away from his and your life.  He doesn't sound like a good, normal friend.   Over time, perhaps, try distancing yourself from him. 

He's always trying to "fix you."  He's 20 years older than you are so his "senior" status is trying to teach you how to behave which is not his job!  He treats you like a child.  You don't say anything negative about his traits yet he has no qualms pointing out your flaws.  You need to dump him!

No, you're not being disrespectful. 

Regarding accepting people, foibles and all, that's your decision.  Some people are tolerant of flaws and incurable defects whereas some people don't wish to waste their precious time and energy on people who don't behave with habitual common courtesy and common decency.   I am the latter and not the former.

 

 

[Tonight.majestic]

8 hours ago, Andrina said:

He is wanting more from you emotionally than you can deliver, and he lashed out in anger because he's hurt. He desired something one would expect from a full-fledged partner. He received a text that slapped the reality into his face that his fantasy cannot transform into what he really wants.

End the friendship now. Your ego boost from his crush isn't worth the abuse he gives, nor the barrier he places for your success with any future bf. Do you really think a guy you start dating will stick around when he finds out you hang out with a guy who has a crush on you? Not all friendships are meant to last forever. This one definitely fits into that category.

You're absolutely right about his resentment coming out in other ways. This is like the third time he's called out my behavior for texting, and not calling him back. 

I've been very specific about my intentions with him and he knows full well I have no interests in him. But for the time being, he has helped me out with something which may take a little longer and I'm truly grateful for his help. I just don't have the heart to discard him like that because he has done a really big favor for me which I'm truly grateful for. Hence, I just kept mum and apologized. 

[Cherylyn]

If you're beholden to him, then don't react to his criticisms.  Learn to ignore his comments. 

[Tonight.majestic]

1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

If you're beholden to him, then don't react to his criticisms.  Learn to ignore his comments. 

And that's how I've been handling it. Whenever he points out something negative about me or says how I don't care and disrespect him, I just stay quiet, apologize and tell him that I'll try better next time. He does say though that he's doing it in the best of my interest. 

I'm just venting on here because it built up over time and I'm usually pretty good at rolling things off my back. 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

, I just stay quiet, apologize and tell him that I'll try better next time. He does say though that he's doing it in the best of my interest. 

There's no trying -there's doing and not doing.  In his case doing means accommodating his myriad demands of how you must contact him and in what way and at what time.  If he's "doing this for your own good" -is he your parent? your therapist?  Surely a friend only speaks that way in the rare occasion when an emergency/crisis intervention is needed.  He's doing this for his own good.  And you're tolerating it and passively telling him you'll "try".

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

I've been very specific about my intentions with him and he knows full well I have no interests in him. But for the time being, he has helped me out with something which may take a little longer and I'm truly grateful for his help.

Ok try to wrap up whatever he is helping you with or hire someone or find other friends and family to help you. There's no need to lead someone on because you want free help, then complain that he's being a jerk to you.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok try to wrap up whatever he is helping you with or hire someone or find other friends and family to help you. There's no need to lead someone on because you want free help, then complain that he's being a jerk to you.

Then I'd transform it to a business transaction and pay him for his time until it's done.

[MissCanuck]

22 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

The minor thing was - I told him that I was going to call him before leaving. Instead, I admit, I got lazy and texted him, I'm leaving now. He later said this was disrespectful and that I don't listen. 

Why do you continue to even communicate with this bullying werido?

I would cut him off. Problem solved. 

[Spawn]

I believe he expects more from you than a normal friendship.

Normally if am out to meet friends we are ok with any kind of communication as long as we know we have started and we are reaching etc. 

If they don't contact or I am driving or some where in traffic and cannot check on messages, I call them up and if I don't they call me up. Its always brief and to the point depending on the situation.

So how do you handle such a person, you either start ignoring them or just slowly move out of their radar.

This is similar to creating boundaries for yourself and that person.

 

[Cherylyn]

On 12/4/2021 at 9:51 PM, Tonight.majestic said:

And that's how I've been handling it. Whenever he points out something negative about me or says how I don't care and disrespect him, I just stay quiet, apologize and tell him that I'll try better next time. He does say though that he's doing it in the best of my interest. 

I'm just venting on here because it built up over time and I'm usually pretty good at rolling things off my back. 

He doesn't sound like a good friend because he's scolding you while you're passive.  Hence, this is why he'll continue to criticize you; because you allow it.

If you can afford to be more cool towards him and maintain a safe distance, then perhaps this route might limit his criticisms.  Your patience will determine how much and how long you are willing to tolerate him.