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Wanting to break up but not wanting to break up


Krombopulos
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Have any of you ever been here? I want to break up with someone but at the same time I really don't. I wish I could just catch her cheating so I could do it without feeling bad. Any advice on how to do this? She's even exhibited a few odd behaviors that might lead one to believe she is cheating. We've been together over two years and while the dedication is there, there is ZERO passion and lately she has just been so dry and boring. The last four times I've came over to her apartment she ended up putting on a movie she KNOWS I don't want to watch I end up scrolling through my phone the whole movie bored off my ass. The last time she even said "I don't care if you don't want to, I'm watching this". And it was the Karate Kid, a KID'S movie that she'd even seen before! She texts me all the time but when I come over we barely talk, we haven't had sex ever, and the only time we kiss now is right before I leave. I want so much more from a relationship! I even re-installed Tinder on my phone but I couldn't bring myself to actually start swiping and messaging. 

I'm not fond of making decisions, especially big decisions. The last time I ended a relationship I immediately got sick to my stomach. I just hate the idea of ending it, hurting her and her daughter but this relationship is so DULL. The one time I recently *TRIED* having a dialog about this I messaged her "Are you still stoked on giving us a second try" (just sending that made me nervous) to which she responded...."Yes.".... That's it! No details, no comments, nothing. Every time we hang out, I initiate it. Every time there's physical contact, I initiate. She never compliments me and I'm just so dissatisfied.  

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Tell her about the stripper you tried to get into a relationship with. Also tell her about offering to perform in the porn video. And tell her about hanging out at the strip club and paying for private dances. You won't have to break up with her because she would probably break up with you.

Seriously, this relationship is dead in the water. She would probably be relieved if you ended it. Set the both of you free and end it already.

Edited by boltnrun
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23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Seriously, this relationship is dead in the water. She would probably be relieved if you ended it. Set the both of you free and end it already.

This would be best case scenario. It could even be possible. Another thing I've been ruminating on is the fact that since getting back together in mid-September we haven't gone out together, at all. We haven't gone to any of her friends, her parent's we haven't even gone out to a store or to pick up food. 

As for telling her about the stripper, that's just unnecessary.

Edited by Krombopulos
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1 hour ago, Krombopulos said:

 the fact that since getting back together in mid-September we haven't gone out together, at all. We haven't gone to any of her friends, her parent's we haven't even gone out to a store or to pick up food. 

As for telling her about the stripper, that's just unnecessary.

Well, if you don't want to be the one to do the breaking up, then the easy way out would be to tell her about your rather unsavoury behaviours and then SHE will do the breaking up for you.  I still can't for the life of me figure out what on earth you two get out of each other - when reading your words above, this has to be one of the most dead relationships on earth.  Seriously, what's the point?

You BOTH need therapy, imo.

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Yes I've been in your shoes. It was my very first boyfriend when I was 16 years old, I thought I liked him, he seemed like an ideal guy for a high school girl, plans for college, cute, etc etc. But when we started kissing for the first time, I was terribly un-attracted to him, he was an extremely messy kisser, did not have the best hygiene, and all in all, I just did not enjoy my time with him. 
I didn't know how to break it to him, he'd plan dates that I'd just not follow through with, and it was a messy situation. I wasn't the best person, I even recall going to a party, being flirty with a guy, and I felt horrible after. Eventually, I told him over coffee, and just said that I see him more as a friend. It broke him it broke me, but it had to be done. But see, I was 16... It was something I really hated myself for for a long time, and since then, I never did those things again, if I saw a relationship not working out, I stopped it in its tracks, without talking to anyone else or anything.

I highly suggest you do the same. Break it to her as gently as possible, prepare yourself for it. You don't "want to break up but don't want to break up", you just don't want the inevitable stress. Think about it, you won't avoid any pain by prolonging the cause of the pain. 

Krombopulos, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks terribly when you're with someone you don't want to be but don't have necessarily the best reason for it. You need to go for it regardless, rip it off like a band aid.

I wish you all the best, strength, and peace to you both.

With love,

Throo

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Yeah, it just sounds dead now ( although you wanted to try again?)... well that so often fails, due to a few reason's.  Less trust due to damage from the first BU, what did not get 'fixed' from the first BU, etc.

You are just not that into this anymore... so don't fake it anymore.  Just just speak up & be honest.. and yes, if you choose to get involved, you'll have to face up to ending the relationships as well if it's not working out for you.

 

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