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Worried about something I found out about this girl...


Seymore
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So it's been a few years since I've been here - I've taken the time to heal, been sober almost two years now and even got on a dating site or two with no luck.  So I put relationships on the backburner in the meantime, and picked up a hobby building and racing drones.  I've met more people through the hobby in the past year since I started, than I've met in the past ten years doing everything else combined.  

We get together once a week at indoor venues like area bars and banquet halls to have races.  Last night was a bar.  Between races, I met a girl who was a regular and by herself.  We started chatting, and long story short we closed out the bar after talking for 3 hours, leaving at 2am.  We got along really well and at one point when she was in the washroom, the bartender told me this girl really likes me. So I offered the girl a lift home and she accepted.  I asked if she'd like to meet back there tonight to shoot some pool together and the said she'd enjoy that.  I got her number and dropped her off.  

Of course I am suspicious when things go well since I've been burned quite a bit, so I googled her and found that she's under investigation for abuse at the gymnastics school she coaches at.  So now I'm bummed.  I almost feel like I should just take it super slow and see if she divulges this on her own but I'm not sure.

 

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What is the nature of the abuse she's accused of?

I would be very wary of getting involved with someone under investigation, could be nothing but false accusations. If she doesn't divulge this fact after a few dates then you also have to question her general honesty.

 

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From what I'd read it sounds like hazing.  The story seems to imply her higher-ups were the ones who carried it out, so I don't know if it's by association that she's under investigation, or what.  

 

If the allegations are true then yeah I'd rather not continue seeing her, not so much out of how it might reflect on me, but moreso in that I've been abused in my last relationship so I'm trying to be cautious.

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2 hours ago, Seymore said:

I googled her and found that she's under investigation for abuse at the gymnastics school she coaches at.

Where did you come across this? In the local paper?  Does she have a common name?

Did she mention she coaches at that particular gymnastic school? What exactly is 'hazing' at a gymnastics school? 

 It's more disconcerting that you're trying to stay sober and she is supposedly at bars too much and engaging in "hazing", although 'gymnastics schools' are typically little kiddies.

 Sounds like there is a lack of accurate info to make any determination, except that she hangs out in bars too much.

Aren't 'gymnastic schools' for kids? They are not universities with fraternities so how does "investigation for hazing"  come into the google search? Way too much data missing.

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I got hazed in high school when I made the cheerleading squad, so it does happen. My hazing was generally harmless though. Although standing on the center divider of the main road in the middle of town in my nightgown could have been traumatizing ( I just thought it was funny).

Some gyms and ballet schools are pretty harsh on their students. It definitely does happen.

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I got hazed in high school when I made the cheerleading squad, so it does happen. My hazing was generally harmless though. Although standing on the center divider of the main road in the middle of town in my nightgown could have been traumatizing ( I just thought it was funny).

Some gyms and ballet schools are pretty harsh on their students. It definitely does happen.

Jeez...in high school?  I thought that was just a college thing.

 

This is a gymnastics "after-school" school for high school ages - she helps coach them to compete on a national level. 

She had told me all about her students and showed me videos of them training when we talked last night, but that's all she mentioned.  When I googled her name online plus the town she lives in, the first result was article about the gymnastics school.  This girl was named in the article, but the only example given was one of the other coaches taping a students mouth shut for two hours.  I still don't like that, but I have no idea if this girl had a part in it. 

 

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Taping a student's mouth shut isn't hazing, it's abuse. If a teacher or coach did that to one of my kids they'd be in jail. I'd be screaming and you best believe I'd go public.

But that doesn't mean this woman you're seeing participated. Did the article say SHE personally is being investigated or the program is? Could be a big difference.

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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Taping a student's mouth shut isn't hazing, it's abuse. If a teacher or coach did that to one of my kids they'd be in jail. I'd be screaming and you best believe I'd go public.

But that doesn't mean this woman you're seeing participated. Did the article say SHE personally is being investigated or the program is? Could be a big difference.

She's named in general, but her two superiors are specified as the ones doing things like taping a student's mouth shut and body shaming.   The superiors were already under investigation and now this girl is the third coach under investigation.

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6 minutes ago, Seymore said:

She's named in general, but her two superiors are specified as the ones doing things like taping a student's mouth shut and body shaming.   The superiors were already under investigation and now this girl is the third coach under investigation.

Ok, well I wouldn't continue seeing her. If she's named as a possible participant in the abuse and/or if she witnessed it and did nothing to stop it, I wouldn't be able to reconcile that in my mind.

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I just think that regardless of what's going on at her workplace, you should not be jumping all in with anyone when it comes to dating.

The entire point of dating is to take your time to get to know the person and decide if they are right or wrong for you. Early on, it's all exciting and everything seems great, but you do need to give yourself time to get past those first sparks and look deeper, get to know the person more in terms of character, personality, etc. Every date is really a question mark of do I like what I'm seeing so far and is it enough to see this person again or not?

Take more of one date at a time approach rather than looking to fire up the afterburners and taking off at a million miles an hour because you are into this stranger. The very thing to keep in mind is that even after a few months, you are still dealing with someone you barely know, barely scratched the surface of knowing.

In this particular situation, you don't have enough information to judge her. Could be she supports abusive training, could be she is turning a blind eye, OR could be she is yet another coach who walked into a toxic place and is looking for a way out as we speak. Also, you don't know each other enough for her to even consider discussing these kinds of issues with you.

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Seems a little quick seeing her again the next evening when you've both stayed out so late the night before. That wouldn't hold any interest to me and a little demanding in terms of a date. Why not see each other next week? Or for an hour on the weekend? 

Slow things down a lot more if you're interested in her. From what you've said so far, no, I wouldn't meet with her again the next day. 

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Are you sure you are not "self sabotaging" yourself? You know when something starts going nicely so you are seeking excuses how something must be wrong?

I am not saying you do that or that your fears arent realistic. Because that seems like a very serious accusation and something that shouldnt be dismissed. Just that you dont really know what happened or not. But still see it as a reason to run away. You have a chance to know her so do that. At the end of the day, even ask her down the line if it progresses. Be cautious, that is for sure, there is no need to rush.

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Thanks guys - yes, the making plans for the next night was kind of dumb of me.  Here I am talking about going super slow and seeing if she spills anything about this whole thing and yet I jumped to making plans already.  We were in a group setting most of the time so I guess I wanted just a one-on-one thing.  

I do have a history of self sabotaging but at the same time I try to be overly cautious and research the person.  We already made the plans for tonight so I guess I'll see it through - I may find other stuff that deems her incompatible anyway, who knows.  I need to chill out a bit but remain cautious.

Edited by Seymore
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When I like someone, really into someone, I take my time and make sure that I'm well-slept, feeling good and that the other person is also similar - happy and on the same page. I don't like being rushed or the feeling of rushing through anything or being pushed. I think agreeing to meet the next evening was your excitement at seeing her again as you mention and that is ok. No harm done. Since it's planned go for it but space things out a bit more and take your time. 

Be cautious but have fun please. I also think you're right about the idea that there may be other incompatibilities so rest assured and remain confident that you'll make the right choice in seeing or not seeing her at any point. 

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4 minutes ago, Seymore said:

Thanks guys - yes, the making plans for the next night was kind of dumb of me.  Here I am talking about going super slow and seeing if she spills anything about this whole thing and yet I jumped to making plans already.  We were in a group setting most of the time so I guess I wanted just a one-on-one thing.  

I do have a history of self sabotaging but at the same time I try to be overly cautious and research the person.  We already made the plans for tonight so I guess I'll see it through - I may find other stuff that deems her incompatible anyway, who knows.  I need to chill out a bit.

Your behavior is highly impulsive and kind of swinging from one extreme to another. Not saying this to be mean, more of just something you need to be more aware of and seek to get a grip on. Like maybe take a deep breath and think things through before you act. Maybe before you pick up the phone to set up a date, take a moment and just sit with yourself and choose a day further out than right now so to speak. Train yourself a little bit to chill out and think rather than act/react and then regret.

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11 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Your behavior is highly impulsive and kind of swinging from one extreme to another. Not saying this to be mean, more of just something you need to be more aware of and seek to get a grip on. Like maybe take a deep breath and think things through before you act. Maybe before you pick up the phone to set up a date, take a moment and just sit with yourself and choose a day further out than right now so to speak. Train yourself a little bit to chill out and think rather than act/react and then regret.

I know you are right.  If I find that I'd like to go on another date after tonight, I won't come up with the day on the spot this time.

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I once googled someone who contacted me through a dating site I was thinking of meeting  and saw he'd been accused of a white collar crime (he was in the financial industry).  Since I didn't know him at all I figured why bother - it might be he didn't do it but I didn't want to invest the time.  You spent all those hours with her and - honestly - I'm surprised -if she wants to date you -that she didn't mention what might come up if you google -and yet she told you where she works.  

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15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I once googled someone who contacted me through a dating site I was thinking of meeting  and saw he'd been accused of a white collar crime (he was in the financial industry).  Since I didn't know him at all I figured why bother - it might be he didn't do it but I didn't want to invest the time.  You spent all those hours with her and - honestly - I'm surprised -if she wants to de you -that she didn't mention what might come up if you google -and yet she told you where she works.  

Just an update - last night she divulged everything right off the bat, without me even prompting her - the accusations, how the investigation process and committee works, abuse in gymnastics, etc., in great detail. It was basically the first thing she talked about when we talked about how our days went, so it put me more at ease. 

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9 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Good to hear.  Get to know her, the real person and make your own judgement as things progress.

Speculation and guessing is just a waste of time.  It sells and gets clicks but many times the truth is much more benign than the headlines.

 When are you seeing her again?

Lost

Sometime in the next few days. I work days and she works evenings so I have to move something in my schedule and couldn't give a specific day yet, but I asked her on another date and she said yes. Probably Tuesday if she's free.

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1 hour ago, Seymore said:

Sometime in the next few days. I work days and she works evenings so I have to move something in my schedule and couldn't give a specific day yet, but I asked her on another date and she said yes. Probably Tuesday if she's free.

Yes, if she's willing and transparent about this it tends to show she may have had nothing to do with it.  But if she knew about it and didn't report I'd be really, really concerned.  Just me.

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