Friendship Issue

[Capricorn3]

46 minutes ago, heartbroken84 said:

 Also, she compensated me $25 in the past, -  When I asked about compensation for this current visit she said she’d give me $20 stating that she gave me $25

Speaking for myself only, I have to admit I find all of this very strange.  Whenever I have looked after someone's pet, or house, or looked after their plants or garden etc, I have never, ever, expected, or wanted compensation.  Neither have any of my friends.  When my neighbor goes overseas for many weeks, I look after their cat, house plants and garden.  They do the same for me (I don't have pets, but they water my house plants).  It's just what friends, family and neighbors do for each other here, without getting paid for it.   I was quite shocked/surprised that you would get compensated for feeding a rabbit.  For me it's just too weird, but maybe this is how it works in the modern world.  I am old school, lol.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Speaking for myself only, I have to admit I find all of this very strange.  Whenever I have looked after someone's pet, or house, or looked after their plants or garden etc, I have never, ever, expected, or wanted compensation.  Neither have any of my friends.  When my neighbor goes overseas for many weeks, I look after their cat, house plants and garden.  They do the same for me (I don't have pets, but they water my house plants).  It's just what friends, family and neighbors do for each other here, without getting paid for it.   I was quite shocked/surprised that you would get compensated for feeding a rabbit.  For me it's just too weird, but maybe this is how it works in the modern world.  I am old school, lol.

So my son is going to cat/hamster sit for our neighbor.  We have no pets.  She texted me months ago when she knew they'd need help to go to a wedding out of state.  She specifically asked if our son would do it and said they'd pay him.  I never asked again about the $ -how much, or anything. 

I think it's important my son get paid. He's 12.  He's never had a job.  I didn't care how much at all - just something.  He was excited to do the job but soooo excited to be paid too.  The only time the money came up was when she emailed me all we'd discussed as far as care and feeding.  She simply wrote -we plan to pay (my son's name) __ dollars a day.  My husband and I looked into what the going rate was (because it sounded a bit high) and it's pretty average.  I responded with a global "thanks!" 

I don't plan on raising it again -I'm sure she'll leave a check or paypal me whatever.  Yes I expected my son to be paid something.  For other things -no - I've given her my son's hand me downs for her son, books, etc - I'd never ever try to "sell" those things.  And if she ever asked me to watch her son because of an emergency or run upstairs to check on her cats if she was called away of course I'd do it for free.  All I see on my Facebook is anecdotes about friends pet sitting for other friends and it always involve some form of compensation unless it's more of a barter arrangement.  

[Jibralta]

5 hours ago, heartbroken84 said:

It left me feeling guilty and ashamed.

That was your cue to examine your behavior. Sometimes the truth hurts--but it's very valuable. 

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

So my son is going to cat/hamster sit for our neighbor. 

I think it's important my son get paid. He's 12.  He's never had a job.  I didn't care how much at all - just something.

Oh, I have absolutely no issue with children getting paid for pet-sitting for friends/neighbors! To me that's a whole other topic, lol.  It teaches them responsibility, it's their first little job and is a perfect way for them to learn etc.  I have no problem with that at all.

For me it's just too weird if my friend is going out of town for a day or two and asks me to looks after her place (or pet) and then I ask to be paid for it.  I would never in a million years expect that. Ever.  But like I say, I'm old school as are all my friends/neighbors and we're all on the same wave length, lol.  We simply help out, lol.

[Cherylyn]

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that money and friends don't mix and often times, this same mantra holds true with family.  Usually, people are compatible and harmonious if there are no money issues involved such as paying for damages, lending, borrowing, debts owed, often times business, pricing, buying, selling and the whole lot of it.  Money is a very sensitive subject and many times if money is involved in a conversation, many relationships and friendships are ruined because of it.  You have to weigh what is more important to you:  Being right, making it right, proving your point or maintaining peace.  Often times in order to keep the peace, you have to sacrifice something such as money conversations, compensation and the like.  Often times, you have to consider it a loss in order to keep the peace.  There are times when relationships or friendships are not fair yet you choose what to do in order to have a peaceful rapport. 

Your text to her was kind and she in turn told you that she respected your considerate thoughts and text.  You did the right thing by extending the olive branch in the name of peace.  

Long ago, my late father taught me:  "Throw a stone at a person and he or she will hit you with the stone in retaliation.  Throw a flower at a person and that person will throw the flower back to you" meaning just what you did when you reached out to her peacefully which was a beautiful thing to do, heartbroken84 and hence, she told you that she "respected" your gesture.  

I agree, it's not easy maintaining friendships.  Believe me, I've had a lot of friends in my lifetime who came and went dependent on where I was in life.  It's normal to go through many friends in your life while putting them through the test.  Some friends were only meant to be temporary whereas other friends will be permanent.  What you're experiencing is very normal so don't be discouraged.  

Finding kind people is difficult.  The problem is, there are more unkind and / or toxic people in this world than people of high integrity so don't be so hard on yourself.  There is nothing wrong with you. 

I become sensitive and sad or depressed when people disappoint me, too.  What you are feeling is very normal. 

Lower your expectations of others so you won't be surprised nor shocked in the future.  My mother taught me this:  "Expect the  worst  in people."  Then, when they're actually good to you, you'll be pleasantly surprised.  However, never think that their nice behavior will always remain consistent and predictable.  You have to contort and navigate yourself in order to be compatible with many people who have their foibles as my MIL (mother-in-law) had so accurately described to me recently.   Or, if you prefer, enforce healthy boundaries with complex personalities and characters in order to feel safe and protect yourself as I do habitually.  It's better to be alone and safe from harm than be with others while feeling lonely with misery. 

I never try to win a popularity contest anymore because I've experienced so much regarding the dark side of human nature.  I can afford to become very picky and choosy regarding whom I wish to associate with.  If a person is kind, I am more than willing to be a good friend.  If they demonstrate disrespectful behavior towards me, I've lost my desire to associate with them.  Something inside me died and I left.  Self confidence grows inside you and you tell yourself that either people treat you with respect or you're out!

I hear what you are saying.  You want to be treated with respect.  We all do.  Just remember that respect isn't always mutual in this life.  You either accept some people warts and all or make the decision to select high quality people who deserve to be in your life.  Any remaining "bad apples" don't qualify.  I'm very picky and choosy regarding whom I associate with and you have every right to be the same. 

Also, in the future, you can still be a nice friend without saying "YES" to favors asked of you whether it's pet sitting, house sitting, errands, tasks or whatever.  Learn the power to say, "NO" nicely.  NO means NO though.  You can still be a nice friend by declining requests and if that friend decides to disown you because you politely declined to do favors for them, well then, they're not worth keeping in your life, are they? 

 

[Capricorn3]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that money and friends don't mix and often times, this same mantra holds true with family.  Usually, people are compatible and harmonious if there are no money issues involved

Maybe that explains why all my friends and family and neighbors all get along so well and help each other out when needed - no money is ever involved. 🙂

[heartbroken84]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

Speaking for myself only, I have to admit I find all of this very strange.  Whenever I have looked after someone's pet, or house, or looked after their plants or garden etc, I have never, ever, expected, or wanted compensation.  Neither have any of my friends.  When my neighbor goes overseas for many weeks, I look after their cat, house plants and garden.  They do the same for me (I don't have pets, but they water my house plants).  It's just what friends, family and neighbors do for each other here, without getting paid for it.   I was quite shocked/surprised that you would get compensated for feeding a rabbit.  For me it's just too weird, but maybe this is how it works in the modern world.  I am old school, lol.

I never asked for pet sitting compensation. I never asked to be compensated for my purse. Because I live with roommates I never need house or pet sitting so she’s unable to return the favor. I’m not sure, but I no longer trust this person. She was supposed to make arrangements to pick up her house key tonight. But she never texted. She said she needs her keys back and expects me to deliver them to her. I really have no desire to see or speak to her again.

[heartbroken84]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

That was your cue to examine your behavior. Sometimes the truth hurts--but it's very valuable. 

I’m not sure why this is my fault. And why I’m the person with behavioural problems. That’s unfair. She’s a manipulator. 

[heartbroken84]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

Maybe that explains why all my friends and family and neighbors all get along so well and help each other out when needed - no money is ever involved. 🙂

Agreed. Another learning lesson is to keep how much you earn and finances to yourself. Money is a weird thing. I guess I just have weird friends. I had another friend who I’m no longer friends with tell me I owed her a couple dinners...after she invited me to two family gatherings where food was available. When I invite people over I don’t have the expectation for them to do anything in return. 

[Cherylyn]

59 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Maybe that explains why all my friends and family and neighbors all get along so well and help each other out when needed - no money is ever involved. 🙂

Bartering is an excellent concept.  You have better friends, family and neighbors than most.  Most people don't wish to be bothered.  They're "Good Time Charlies."  They'll meet you at restaurants, attend a party with you, chat socially and share good times with you.  After that, enforced boundaries are the norm.  Most people are responsible for their own tasks.  There are no obligations nor do we impose on others. 

My exception is my younger brother helping me move several times and in return, I cooked delicious dinners for him.  He helped my husband with a major landscaping project and again, I provided home cooked meals for him.  My in-laws helped in the past.  We help my in-laws occasionally but not habitually.  My mother babysat my sons when my husband and I went out to dinner a few times.   However, my husband and I don't take advantage of their generosity as my sister does! 

As for friends, I do not burden them with requests nor place them in an awkward position to grudgingly accept to help me or decline altogether.  They don't ask me either so there's an unspoken understanding not to bother each other in that regard. 

Years ago, my neighbor asked me to feed her cat and water her backyard plants while she was on vacation so my young son and I did ONCE.  When my son and I were in her backyard, I noticed that her vertical blinds on her opened backyard sliding glass door were swaying in the breeze!  I peeked into their family room and I noticed her TV was ON.  I thought that was very strange and then I realized there was a burglary! 😲 My son was watering the neighbor's tomato plants.  I grabbed him and we ran to the side of the house and through the gate.  I closed the gate, went home and immediately called the police!  By the time the police arrived, the front door was left ajar because the burglar escaped through the front door!  I told the neighbor what had happened and she wasn't the least bit fazed AND she had the audacity to ask me to collect her mail, feed her cat and water her backyard (flowers, plants, vegetable garden) yet again while she vacationed.  I politely declined.  I do not want a confrontation with a burglar nor be left for dead because criminals don't want snitches.   I told my neighbor that I will leave food out for her cat OUTSIDE her front yard and I'll collect her mail and newspaper but that's it.  I refuse to go into her backyard.  She decided to have her local son and DIL (daughter-in-law) house sit for her in the future.  I was off the hook!  What a relief.

[Cherylyn]

5 minutes ago, heartbroken84 said:

Agreed. Another learning lesson is to keep how much you earn and finances to yourself. Money is a weird thing. I guess I just have weird friends. I had another friend who I’m no longer friends with tell me I owed her a couple dinners...after she invited me to two family gatherings where food was available. When I invite people over I don’t have the expectation for them to do anything in return. 

I have friends.  Pre-pandemic, I met them for all day shopping trips, several meals out, walks and the like.  We paid for ourselves separately.  My late father taught me:  "Owe nobody, nothing." 

Since one friend in particular is a very close friend from childhood, we exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. 

Yes, money is a weird thing.  You have to be careful with money topics with friends because suddenly friendships can turn sour once the wallet is involved.  It's human nature and then friendship is AWKWARD or there's sudden animosity. 

Your friend telling you that you owed her a couple of dinners was downright tacky.  No one should keep score.  Not everyone reciprocates.  Hospitality should be unconditional. 

However, I tend to repay kindness because speaking for myself, I don't always want to be entertained without reciprocating in my own way but that's just me. 

[heartbroken84]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that money and friends don't mix and often times, this same mantra holds true with family.  Usually, people are compatible and harmonious if there are no money issues involved such as paying for damages, lending, borrowing, debts owed, often times business, pricing, buying, selling and the whole lot of it.  Money is a very sensitive subject and many times if money is involved in a conversation, many relationships and friendships are ruined because of it.  You have to weigh what is more important to you:  Being right, making it right, proving your point or maintaining peace.  Often times in order to keep the peace, you have to sacrifice something such as money conversations, compensation and the like.  Often times, you have to consider it a loss in order to keep the peace.  There are times when relationships or friendships are not fair yet you choose what to do in order to have a peaceful rapport. 

Your text to her was kind and she in turn told you that she respected your considerate thoughts and text.  You did the right thing by extending the olive branch in the name of peace.  

Long ago, my late father taught me:  "Throw a stone at a person and he or she will hit you with the stone in retaliation.  Throw a flower at a person and that person will throw the flower back to you" meaning just what you did when you reached out to her peacefully which was a beautiful thing to do, heartbroken84 and hence, she told you that she "respected" your gesture.  

I agree, it's not easy maintaining friendships.  Believe me, I've had a lot of friends in my lifetime who came and went dependent on where I was in life.  It's normal to go through many friends in your life while putting them through the test.  Some friends were only meant to be temporary whereas other friends will be permanent.  What you're experiencing is very normal so don't be discouraged.  

Finding kind people is difficult.  The problem is, there are more unkind and / or toxic people in this world than people of high integrity so don't be so hard on yourself.  There is nothing wrong with you. 

I become sensitive and sad or depressed when people disappoint me, too.  What you are feeling is very normal. 

Lower your expectations of others so you won't be surprised nor shocked in the future.  My mother taught me this:  "Expect the  worst  in people."  Then, when they're actually good to you, you'll be pleasantly surprised.  However, never think that their nice behavior will always remain consistent and predictable.  You have to contort and navigate yourself in order to be compatible with many people who have their foibles as my MIL (mother-in-law) had so accurately described to me recently.   Or, if you prefer, enforce healthy boundaries with complex personalities and characters in order to feel safe and protect yourself as I do habitually.  It's better to be alone and safe from harm than be with others while feeling lonely with misery. 

I never try to win a popularity contest anymore because I've experienced so much regarding the dark side of human nature.  I can afford to become very picky and choosy regarding whom I wish to associate with.  If a person is kind, I am more than willing to be a good friend.  If they demonstrate disrespectful behavior towards me, I've lost my desire to associate with them.  Something inside me died and I left.  Self confidence grows inside you and you tell yourself that either people treat you with respect or you're out!

I hear what you are saying.  You want to be treated with respect.  We all do.  Just remember that respect isn't always mutual in this life.  You either accept some people warts and all or make the decision to select high quality people who deserve to be in your life.  Any remaining "bad apples" don't qualify.  I'm very picky and choosy regarding whom I associate with and you have every right to be the same. 

Also, in the future, you can still be a nice friend without saying "YES" to favors asked of you whether it's pet sitting, house sitting, errands, tasks or whatever.  Learn the power to say, "NO" nicely.  NO means NO though.  You can still be a nice friend by declining requests and if that friend decides to disown you because you politely declined to do favors for them, well then, they're not worth keeping in your life, are they? 

 

Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness. You have said some great things. I definitely didn’t feel respected. I think we all need respect. We’re all different and think/act differently. I have some things to learn and practice, but I’m glad I’m no longer going to invest emotionally or monetarily in this person. I’ve only know her for a year, but our friendship is dead. I started realising this a few months ago. 1. She disrespected my friend over dinner regarding her unvaxxed status which was super inappropriate. 2. We recently went to Napa. I couldn’t meet her early and told her we’d have to leave midday. I thought we could show up for wine tasting, however that day I learned all the wineries only do tasting by reservations and everything was booked. She kept telling people we got there too late as if insinuating it was my fault. It’s not that we got there too late, it’s that the wineries only take reservations and they’re fully booked. During that trip, I was done drinking wine after two glasses. She had two glasses plus a half of my glass I didn’t finish because I was in charge of driving home. I was ready to go home after our meal that I paid for as a birthday treat to her. During the meal she kept remarking on the waiters butt and maybe she was tipsy but it was awkward. Later she said “oh it was nice that you paid for that fancy meal, but I feel like I have to repay you” that’s so rude. Further on same Napa trip she wanted to keep drinking after I was done so we went to another bar where she literally drank another glass while I sat there with my water. 3. The bunny ate my purse situation. Where she kept saying “I would never do that” “I would do this” “friends pets have gotten to my things and it is what it is”. That’s just disrespectful and my feelings were left invalidated. I guess when it comes down to it, it is about respect and maintaining friendships takes management. I’m old enough to know that I’m seeking balanced friendships and respectful. I’m an academic advisor by profession and today one of students that is graduating came by and gave me a note with a $20 Starbucks gift card. The note read “thank you for being an awesome advisor over the past few years. I can’t thank you enough for all help you’ve provided.” That was really a nice gesture, unnecessary, but appreciated.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

Oh, I have absolutely no issue with children getting paid for pet-sitting for friends/neighbors! To me that's a whole other topic, lol.  It teaches them responsibility, it's their first little job and is a perfect way for them to learn etc.  I have no problem with that at all.

For me it's just too weird if my friend is going out of town for a day or two and asks me to looks after her place (or pet) and then I ask to be paid for it.  I would never in a million years expect that. Ever.  But like I say, I'm old school as are all my friends/neighbors and we're all on the same wave length, lol.  We simply help out, lol.

I’m old school. I don’t know most of my neighbors and our building has fairly high turnover.  We’ve been here many years which is atypical. But yes I had a friend a couple of blocks away who insisted on giving my son a ride to religious school weekly.  Her kids loved having him ride with them plus I met her on a corner - she stopped and took him.  I offered gas money (it was two miles away ) and she refused. I don’t drive. So I told her if she ever needed me to watch her kids please let me know. I also sent her a holiday gift basket and a couple of times when given the opportunity I donated to our place of worship in her and her husband’s honor. So I tried to reciprocate despite her asking for nothing.  Also I always waited for her to text me and offer.

 And when the kids were very young I’d come along and walk them in to the building and get home on my own so she could save some time getting  out of the car.

Like Cheryln I recognized her generosity and also didn’t want to feel lopsided or beholden. This all ended with Covid and virtual school sadly. 
point is yes mixing money and friendship or asking for favors or even accepting too many - can be dicey. 

[heartbroken84]

30 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Bartering is an excellent concept.  You have better friends, family and neighbors than most.  Most people don't wish to be bothered.  They're "Good Time Charlies."  They'll meet you at restaurants, attend a party with you, chat socially and share good times with you.  After that, enforced boundaries are the norm.  Most people are responsible for their own tasks.  There are no obligations nor do we impose on others. 

My exception is my younger brother helping me move several times and in return, I cooked delicious dinners for him.  He helped my husband with a major landscaping project and again, I provided home cooked meals for him.  My in-laws helped in the past.  We help my in-laws occasionally but not habitually.  My mother babysat my sons when my husband and I went out to dinner a few times.   However, my husband and I don't take advantage of their generosity as my sister does! 

As for friends, I do not burden them with requests nor place them in an awkward position to grudgingly accept to help me or decline altogether.  They don't ask me either so there's an unspoken understanding not to bother each other in that regard. 

Years ago, my neighbor asked me to feed her cat and water her backyard plants while she was on vacation so my young son and I did ONCE.  When my son and I were in her backyard, I noticed that her vertical blinds on her opened backyard sliding glass door were swaying in the breeze!  I peeked into their family room and I noticed her TV was ON.  I thought that was very strange and then I realized there was a burglary! 😲 My son was watering the neighbor's tomato plants.  I grabbed him and we ran to the side of the house and through the gate.  I closed the gate, went home and immediately called the police!  By the time the police arrived, the front door was left ajar because the burglar escaped through the front door!  I told the neighbor what had happened and she wasn't the least bit fazed AND she had the audacity to ask me to collect her mail, feed her cat and water her backyard (flowers, plants, vegetable garden) yet again while she vacationed.  I politely declined.  I do not want a confrontation with a burglar nor be left for dead because criminals don't want snitches.   I told my neighbor that I will leave food out for her cat OUTSIDE her front yard and I'll collect her mail and newspaper but that's it.  I refuse to go into her backyard.  She decided to have her local son and DIL (daughter-in-law) house sit for her in the future.  I was off the hook!  What a relief.

Yes, I rarely ask other for help with tasks, I don’t want to burden anyone. If I had a pet, I would take my pet to a pet hotel, yes it’s expensive, but pets are wonderful yet expensive. I have triple A so if anything happens to my car, I can call a tow truck or request service rather than burden a friend.  I’d like to practice being more of a good time charlie. I am lucky to have 3 best friends that I’ve been best friends for decades. One always extends stay at her home and invites me up for getaways. When I visit her and her husband treat me like family and are really kind and considerate. I always bring a little box of chocolate or flowers as a thank you. Another friend from college is extremely generous with her time and always gives me sound advice on work per personal issues. And another friend is super sweet with a kind soul, we always take eachother out for meals on our birthdays. It’s just a balanced thing we do. Yes, and I need to practice saying “No” more often. 
 

Your experience with the house sitting is a nightmare. I’d be traumatised. This friend lives in a not so great area of Oakland. What if her house was burglarised when I was pet sitting. I’d be blamed and held liable. The night I went and the bunny ate my purse, she messages at 10pm and says “Did you lock the front door” — it made me panic even though I am certain I locked the door. No more pet or house sitting for me. It’s just too risky.

There was a time when my best friend Mark asked me to pet sit his cat. I held his cat and gave it attention. That evening when I got home my legs were covered in painful itchy bumps. I had been bitten at least 30 times by fleas. His cat and the house had fleas and I’m extremely allergic. I told Mark what happened and he was so apologetic and his soft tone, he was genuinely sorry I was in pain. He had no idea that the cat picked up fleas as his family isn’t allergic to them. That’s all I really needed to hear and it’s all anyone wants to hear is someone to say genuinely that they are sorry for what happened. 

This experience was such a good learning lesson and experience. Thank you for your stories, wisdom, and advice. I’m feeling better about the loss of the purse and moving on from this friendship. 

[heartbroken84]

43 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I have friends.  Pre-pandemic, I met them for all day shopping trips, several meals out, walks and the like.  We paid for ourselves separately.  My late father taught me:  "Owe nobody, nothing." 

Since one friend in particular is a very close friend from childhood, we exchange birthday and Christmas gifts. 

Yes, money is a weird thing.  You have to be careful with money topics with friends because suddenly friendships can turn sour once the wallet is involved.  It's human nature and then friendship is AWKWARD or there's sudden animosity. 

Your friend telling you that you owed her a couple of dinners was downright tacky.  No one should keep score.  Not everyone reciprocates.  Hospitality should be unconditional. 

However, I tend to repay kindness because speaking for myself, I don't always want to be entertained without reciprocating in my own way but that's just me. 

All day shopping trips! You’re my kind of friend! Yes, I like to owe nobody nothing. And want to build friendships with people who think the same. This person was like “you’re weird with money” because whenever we order DoorDash for movie nights or go out for a meal and I end up paying the tab because we didn’t ask for separate checks. I tell her her share and often I’m the one sending the venmo payment request. She said “oh with my friends, like I’ll get the tab one time and then they’ll get the tab next time”. I’m not weird with money, I can be smart with it. And i abide by the rule that everyone pays for their own share. One time my coworker invited her friends for birthday dinner at an upscale place. It was a group of girls maybe 7 people. Everyone was ordering 2-3 alcoholic drinks and food. I don’t drink much alcohol and didn’t order a drink. I also order a small plate. In the end, the check came and they all agreed to split the check evenly...it was $75 per person, when I pretty much only ordered $20 of food. Dinner with large groups of people gets murky so I don’t do that anymore.

[heartbroken84]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So my son is going to cat/hamster sit for our neighbor.  We have no pets.  She texted me months ago when she knew they'd need help to go to a wedding out of state.  She specifically asked if our son would do it and said they'd pay him.  I never asked again about the $ -how much, or anything. 

I think it's important my son get paid. He's 12.  He's never had a job.  I didn't care how much at all - just something.  He was excited to do the job but soooo excited to be paid too.  The only time the money came up was when she emailed me all we'd discussed as far as care and feeding.  She simply wrote -we plan to pay (my son's name) __ dollars a day.  My husband and I looked into what the going rate was (because it sounded a bit high) and it's pretty average.  I responded with a global "thanks!" 

I don't plan on raising it again -I'm sure she'll leave a check or paypal me whatever.  Yes I expected my son to be paid something.  For other things -no - I've given her my son's hand me downs for her son, books, etc - I'd never ever try to "sell" those things.  And if she ever asked me to watch her son because of an emergency or run upstairs to check on her cats if she was called away of course I'd do it for free.  All I see on my Facebook is anecdotes about friends pet sitting for other friends and it always involve some form of compensation unless it's more of a barter arrangement.  

I hope your son gets paid for pet sitting. I’m just weird, when I owe someone money, I send it immediately. I don’t like to owe anyone money. She claims to have “invited me over to her house” and that she was “doing me good service for giving me something to do on thanksgiving” but I think she really didn’t have anyone to pet sit and she either forgot or doesn’t want to put the bunny in a boarding unit as I understand that can be emotionally frightening for a pet. There are also various pet sitting apps - better to do business with them than me. She even was guilt tripping me after the purse issue stating “well guess I have no one to watch by bunny now”....this isn’t my problem. How weird. She coming to pick up her key Friday at my work and I’m so relieved. 

[gamon]

4 hours ago, heartbroken84 said:

This bunny has some kind of issue if it immediately decides to chew a visitors purse that was set on a coffee table. Maybe it’s pissed that their owner left them alone in a house?

Also, she compensated me $25 in the past.. When I asked about compensation for this current visit she said she’d give me $20

This changes everything. You were to be compensated for the visit, it's not a favor for a friend, therefore you have accepted the role and responsibility of a petsitter.

The damaged purse is on you.

By the way bunnies don't have anger management issues. Animals don't operate the way humans do, they don't go and chew pocketbooks out of revenge because they're pissed off at their owners for leaving them home alone.

[gamon]

4 hours ago, heartbroken84 said:

she compensated me $25 in the past, she hasn’t paid me for a prior visit to which she told me now that I left hay all over the floors. She never admitted it until I asked about the delay in compensation.When I asked about compensation for this current visit she said she’d give me $20 stating that she gave me $25 before because she was being generous.

 

1 hour ago, heartbroken84 said:

I never asked for pet sitting compensation. I never asked to be compensated for my purse.

 

On 11/30/2021 at 4:12 PM, heartbroken84 said:

Texted friend and said hey your bunny at my $250 bag we need to discuss this. She agreed to repay for the bag

 I found some used ones and let her know that if she could contribute to half of the replacement that be nice. She wasn’t even appreciative that I was trying to lower the costs and only asking to pay for half.

I have the key to her house so I figured o could give it to her and she could give me the money.
 

I think most of you will say that this situation shows how it’s time for me to take whatever she offers and just discontinue the friendship. We definitely have different views on money.

She compensated you in the past, but gave you less than you expected because you left hay on the floor. You asked for compensation for this visit. Then you say you didn't ask to be compensated for the visit.  You say you never asked to be compensated for the purse. Then you say the purse was $250 and you need to discuss it. Then you told her she can pay you half of the cost of a used one. Then you figured she could give you the money that you said you never asked her for in the first place. Then you say you should probably take whatever money she offers. 

Your story changes constantly, important facts come out later on, and you contradict yourself repeatedly.

I'm done here, waste of my time with a person who cannot even keep the facts straight and cannot accept responsibility for a service they charged their friend for, that most friends would do as a favor.

[heartbroken84]

21 minutes ago, gamon said:

This changes everything. You were to be compensated for the visit, it's not a favor for a friend, therefore you have accepted the role and responsibility of a petsitter.

The damaged purse is on you.

By the way bunnies don't have anger management issues. Animals don't operate the way humans do, they don't go and chew pocketbooks out of revenge because they're pissed off at their owners for leaving them home alone.

I recently read an article about bunny behaviour and separation anxiety. It’s a thing. Bunnies can feel stressed. While discussing the situation she did admit that her bunny gets upset when she leaves or gets jealous when visitors come by and destroys things. I mean whatever I’m just glad the bunny didn’t assault me. 

[heartbroken84]

17 minutes ago, gamon said:

 

 

She compensated you in the past, but gave you less than you expected because you left hay on the floor. You asked for compensation for this visit. Then you say you didn't ask to be compensated for the visit.  You say you never asked to be compensated for the purse. Then you say the purse was $250 and you need to discuss it. Then you told her she can pay you half of the cost of a used one. Then you figured she could give you the money that you said you never asked her for in the first place. Then you say you should probably take whatever money she offers. 

Your story changes constantly, important facts come out later on, and you contradict yourself repeatedly.

I'm done here, waste of my time with a person who cannot even keep the facts straight and cannot accept responsibility for a service they charged their friend for, that most friends would do as a favor.

I’m sorry you feel my story is confusing. She offered compensation the first time she asked me to bunny sit and I assumed that would be the arrangement for future sitting. I did not ask for it. I’ve bunny sat for her a total of 3 times. First time, she sent me compensation, second time she did not, the third time which was last week. And with the purse, I simply stated the value of the purse so she could understand the gravity of the damage and that we needed to talk about it. When we talked, she offered to repay. After an extensive search online, I was happy to find the same purse in used condition for less and said she could just chip in for it. At this point and after how she spoke to me on the phone, I could care less about her contribution. Thank you for your response and time. 

[heartbroken84]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I’m old school. I don’t know most of my neighbors and our building has fairly high turnover.  We’ve been here many years which is atypical. But yes I had a friend a couple of blocks away who insisted on giving my son a ride to religious school weekly.  Her kids loved having him ride with them plus I met her on a corner - she stopped and took him.  I offered gas money (it was two miles away ) and she refused. I don’t drive. So I told her if she ever needed me to watch her kids please let me know. I also sent her a holiday gift basket and a couple of times when given the opportunity I donated to our place of worship in her and her husband’s honor. So I tried to reciprocate despite her asking for nothing.  Also I always waited for her to text me and offer.

 And when the kids were very young I’d come along and walk them in to the building and get home on my own so she could save some time getting  out of the car.

Like Cheryln I recognized her generosity and also didn’t want to feel lopsided or beholden. This all ended with Covid and virtual school sadly. 
point is yes mixing money and friendship or asking for favors or even accepting too many - can be dicey. 

Batya33, sounds like you tried to be generous in return too and I’m sure it didn’t go unnoticed. 

[gamon]

You have a way of twisting words and their meanings which is extremely manipulative and deceptive.

You certainly DID ask for compensation "for the current visit" and you asked about "the delay in compensation for a previous visit" as per your very posts on this forum, just like you did for the purse. Whether you outright said "give me money for petsitting" or "give me money for the person" doesn't matter. Your intentions, your expectations and your message in regard to money were crystal clear.

And by the way- a bunny under stress from separation anxiety (which is real) is not anywhere the same thing as a bunny getting pissed off and eating a purse out of revenge and a pet bunny isn't going to assault you or anyone else.

Please stay away from pets and animals in general, your ignorance is simply astounding in this regard.

[gamon]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But she's not responsible -she gave the responsibility to the OP as her pet sitter.

I agree, and I would have liked to edit my errant prior posts in this regard after the Op subsequently clarified that she was expecting compensation for this visit (in addition to a previous one) which made her a paid pet sitter and not just a friend doing a favor for another friend.

 

[heartbroken84]

14 minutes ago, gamon said:

I agree, and I would have liked to edit my errant prior posts in this regard after the Op subsequently clarified that she was expecting compensation for this visit (in addition to a previous one) which made her a paid pet sitter and not just a friend doing a favor for another friend.

 

I understand. If I were doing a favor for her, then she would be responsible for the damage.
 

I think it’s really cruel to advise me to stay away from pets due to my ignorance. I believe everyone can learn from experience and I certainly did. 

[Cherylyn]

2 hours ago, heartbroken84 said:

Thanks so much for your thoughtfulness. You have said some great things. I definitely didn’t feel respected. I think we all need respect. We’re all different and think/act differently. I have some things to learn and practice, but I’m glad I’m no longer going to invest emotionally or monetarily in this person. I’ve only know her for a year, but our friendship is dead. I started realising this a few months ago. 1. She disrespected my friend over dinner regarding her unvaxxed status which was super inappropriate. 2. We recently went to Napa. I couldn’t meet her early and told her we’d have to leave midday. I thought we could show up for wine tasting, however that day I learned all the wineries only do tasting by reservations and everything was booked. She kept telling people we got there too late as if insinuating it was my fault. It’s not that we got there too late, it’s that the wineries only take reservations and they’re fully booked. During that trip, I was done drinking wine after two glasses. She had two glasses plus a half of my glass I didn’t finish because I was in charge of driving home. I was ready to go home after our meal that I paid for as a birthday treat to her. During the meal she kept remarking on the waiters butt and maybe she was tipsy but it was awkward. Later she said “oh it was nice that you paid for that fancy meal, but I feel like I have to repay you” that’s so rude. Further on same Napa trip she wanted to keep drinking after I was done so we went to another bar where she literally drank another glass while I sat there with my water. 3. The bunny ate my purse situation. Where she kept saying “I would never do that” “I would do this” “friends pets have gotten to my things and it is what it is”. That’s just disrespectful and my feelings were left invalidated. I guess when it comes down to it, it is about respect and maintaining friendships takes management. I’m old enough to know that I’m seeking balanced friendships and respectful. I’m an academic advisor by profession and today one of students that is graduating came by and gave me a note with a $20 Starbucks gift card. The note read “thank you for being an awesome advisor over the past few years. I can’t thank you enough for all help you’ve provided.” That was really a nice gesture, unnecessary, but appreciated.

Thank you for your kind words, heartbroken84.  It sounds like it was for the best that your bunny friend is currently your ex-friend.  She sounds unstable, unkind, rude and volatile. 

Unfortunately, the vax vs. anti-vax controversy will not go away anytime soon.  Your ex-friend's inappropriate behavior is not a good match for you.  Good thing you exited and dissolved the friendship.

Your Napa incident sounded quite unpleasant.  I'm sorry.

You'll meet nice, very sincere friends along the way in your life.  Some friends will be rejects and discarded eventually whereas other acquaintances will evolve into enduring, permanent friendships for you.

Even though my MIL (mother-in-law) said that people need to accept other people's foibles, I strongly disagree.  I don't tolerate anyone who doesn't give me the same common courtesy and common decency I give them.  In other words, there should be mutual consistent respect without ebbing and flowing.  If other people are not on the same wavelength as me, then forget it, I lose interest and I don't wish to be with said person anymore.  I don't have the patience, time nor energy for people who aren't predictably kind.

The Starbucks gift card plus your student's heartfelt sentiment was touching to read.  I'm sure it was appreciated and it was indeed a gracious gesture.