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If you have proof a partner was dishonest but you had to sloop to find it out, should you bring it up?


Krombopulos
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It's the Krommiester here with another thought provoking post/advice request. Let me lay it on you.

Background info:

Been dating this girl for two years, roughly. She broke up with me for about two months at the end of summer and we got back together. Said that she said our relationship felt like a friendship, to her point we haven't had sex yet. Two months later she comes back, wants to get back together, cool, I agree. These few months have been weird though. Every time we've hung out I'VE initiated it (until this last time because I said something about it. I've initiated pretty much all physical contact. Once the remote was near my crotch and asked me to hand it to her, because she "has principles" though later she claimed she was just "respecting my space". She also had her phone out last time and she dipped her phone down a little, opened up Snapchat, then quickly closed it. I recently asked her if she was stoked on giving us another try and her response was "Yes."... That's it. Then she asked if it was because of the remote thing.To the point of the post; I re-added her (since the break-up) on Facebook a few weeks ago and she's yet to accept or deny it... Today I asked if she uses facebook very much and she said not really...Well I did a bit of digging, looked at her mom's, best friend's and work friend's profile and within the past 10 days she interacted with 11 post *that I know of*.... So I'm not sure how to bring this up. Hence the advice.

 

Sometimes I wonder if she keeps me around because her kid is enamored with me. I'm not the happiest with where our relationship is but I'm scared of being alone, we have so much history together, don't want to hurt her, and I'll miss her kid very much as well. 

IMPORTANT ASIDE: This is the first time I've ever done any digging on a partner and I've always been completely trusting of all my exes because they never gave me a reason to be suspicious.  

 

 

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9 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

I've always been completely trusting of all my exes because they never gave me a reason to be suspicious.  

I think it's ironic that you think your girlfriend is doing something untrustworthy when you yourself was trying to get a relationship going with a stripper and was completely willing to dump your girlfriend if the stripper wanted to date you.  So you are obviously willing to hurt her if it benefits you.

And it's not even a fair comparison.  She uses Facebook to communicate with family members and friends but didn't tell you.  You frequent a strip club, pay for private dances, offered to perform in a porn video and tried to start a relationship with someone else.  It's not even close.

And if you want to question her, it's important for you to be completely transparent too.  So you need to tell her about your extracurricular activities if you want honesty in your relationship.  

Staying in a relationship because you don't want to be "alone" and because you've known her for X number of years is a really bad idea.  You're not getting sex, she doesn't seem to be that into you and you are absolutely not that into her since you were going to dump her for the stripper.  So I vote for ending it because I can't see any reasons to keep hanging on.

 

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

And if you want to question her, it's important for you to be completely transparent too.  So you need to tell her about your extracurricular activities if you want honesty in your relationship. 

Exactly. 

If you expect her to be honest, you need to be honest too, OP. 

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Why should she trust you? You are incredibly manipulative and self centered and don't seem to think this is a problem. All you do is try to set up situations to your advantage and morals and empathy for others do not play into you actions. You need to break up and get some really good therapy to deal with your serious problems or you are headed for a very unfortunate life. 

 

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10 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

I don't have anything to gain from being honest in this situation tho. It'll only make her mad and not trust me

That is hypocritical. You expect her to be honest about something as trivial as Facebook posting but you think you should have the right to be dishonest with her about you trying to get with the stripper and offering to perform in a porn video.

Why do you think everything should only be for your own benefit? That's not how relationships work.

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13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

That is hypocritical. You expect her to be honest about something as trivial as Facebook posting but you think you should have the right to be dishonest with her about you trying to get with the stripper and offering to perform in a porn video.

Why do you think everything should only be for your own benefit? That's not how relationships work.

Yeah, but my thing is in the past now. It's over, it's done with, and it didn't work out.

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13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You really have no idea how trust in relationships works, do you?

Like I said, digging around a partner's social media isn't like me. I've been in two serious relationships before this and I can say with 100% confidence they'd both say I was a trusting boyfriend. All also didn't mention the first time we broke up, shortly before, I noticed she still had Tinder on her phone! She said she forgot it was there, which I know was untrue because I saw her open it and quickly close it one day

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12 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

Like I said, digging around a partner's social media isn't like me. I've been in two serious relationships before this and I can say with 100% confidence they'd both say I was a trusting boyfriend. All also didn't mention the first time we broke up, shortly before, I noticed she still had Tinder on her phone! She said she forgot it was there, which I know was untrue because I saw her open it and quickly close it one day

Both of you are behaving in an untrustworthy manner. You actively tried to start a relationship with the stripper and frequent strip clubs and she had a Tinder account.

This has gone way beyond not wanting to hurt anyone. You already did.

Not wanting to be alone and having known one another for a while doesn't mean this is a good relationship. It isn't.

And BTW, trust is earned. Acting shady and trying to get with someone else is not behavior that will result in trust on either side.

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28 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

All also didn't mention the first time we broke up, shortly before, I noticed she still had Tinder on her phone! She said she forgot it was there, which I know was untrue because I saw her open it and quickly close it one day

And anyway, according to you dishonesty that happened in the past and is over with doesn't matter. You said so yourself.

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16 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

What I was doing was not a threat to the relationship, not really. The chances of that dancer wanting to date me were slim to none.

Wow, you have some really strange and unrealistic ideas of what trust and honesty are in a relationship. I'm sure if you told your girlfriend the whole story she would disagree with you.

Anyway, I don't have any advice to offer other than what I already have.

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5 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

What I was doing was not a threat to the relationship, not really.

OP, I am going to apologize in advance - my reply is going to be blunt:

You are completely missing the point here.  YOUR behaviour was/is completely dishonest, deceitful, disrespectful, shameful, manipulative and selfish to the extreme.  The very fact that you seem to miss ALL of that, and brush it all aside like it really doesn't matter, is disturbing and disconcerting.  She is not an object that you can just play around with to suit your selfish wants and needs.  She is human, has feelings, and you just keeping her around "because you don't want to be alone", is selfish to the extreme.

Please, do the right thing and end it with her.  She doesn't deserve to be so disrespected.

I second all the other comments by members above.  They have nailed it.  Pity it's all like water off a ducks back with you.  Yet another disturbing example of how you miss the point completely of your poor behaviour.

You need help. Professional help. Serious help. To be so self-absorbed and not even recognize your shameful behaviour is a huge concern.  You can't go through life with this sick mindset using people to your own advantage.  You are setting yourself up for a very miserable life.  Please, let her go and then look into professional help to help you sort out all of these issues.

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12 hours ago, Krombopulos said:

I don't have anything to gain from being honest in this situation tho. It'll only make her mad and not trust me

It boggles my mind that you don’t see how completely backwards this thought process is and your double standards, which are, as Bolt said, not even a close or fair comparison, not by a long shot. 

If your girlfriend were to make a post on here about her boyfriend and his lack of emotional and physical commitment and depth to her and being completely emotionally unavailable (never mind the reality that you lack all respect for her as a girlfriend and human being by disrespecting her so significantly by propositioning a stripper to peg you whilst you are attached to someone else and ready to drop her like a hot potato - none of which she know anything of, and all that aside) I’d tell her to run, fast, from this relationship and never look back.

She doesn’t need an emotionally abusive person like you in her life. The abuse doesn’t have to be realised by her for you to still be committing it to her all the same. 

Edited by LotusBlack
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I agree with all above responses. You're messed up about a lot of things, including respect to a 'partner', not fall back because you didn't get what you wanted. ( isn't this the case? You ran back to her because you got nowhere with the stripper?  If so, look at your own track record and respectfully get out of this with her) . IF someone is truly into you they will not act like this!  It's basically just using someone.. until something better comes along.. so don't.

To want to be involved only because YOU don't want to be alone is so wrong!

And to even consider confronting her over something so small as her FB interaction is pathetic.  No reason to even go there!

 

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I'm a little disappointed everyone has banded against me. Just to reiterate and to clarify where I'm coming from; before she broke up with me in August I noticed she had Tinder on her phone after we were sitting together and she opened it and immediately closed it, thinking I didn't see. When I brought it up days later she says "I forgot I even had it on my phone". X DOUBT. Now with the inconsistency with her Facebook profile and the fact I have to initiate almost everything between us, cut me some slack.

Granted, running off to my stripper friend and dreaming up a relationship (among other things) with her was NOT the right way to handle it. However you guys make it sound like I'm a sociopath or something, like I don't have feelings without knowing much about me. 

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6 minutes ago, Krombopulos said:

before she broke up with me in August I noticed she had Tinder on her phone after we were sitting together and she opened it and immediately closed it, thinking I didn't see. When I brought it up days later she says "I forgot I even had it on my phone".

You yourself said things that happened in the past are "over with" and don't matter. Are you claiming that only applies to what you did but not to what she allegedly did?

Double standard. Also hypocritical.

Yes, people are "banding against" you because you are being completely unfair to this girlfriend. You don't love her. You're only keeping her around for your own convenience. Not cool.

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You yourself said things that happened in the past are "over with" and don't matter. Are you claiming that only applies to what you did but not to what she allegedly did?

Double standard. Also hypocritical.

Yes, people are "banding against" you because you are being completely unfair to this girlfriend. You don't love her. You're only keeping her around for your own convenience. Not cool.

Im not mad at her over it, but it does justify my suspension

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56 minutes ago, ChasingHope said:

It sounds like your girlfriend is also exploring other opportunities to find a new partner and keeping you around until she does find someone that is better for her.  

I agree this relationship is pointless. Neither one is happy or fulfilled.

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On 11/28/2021 at 8:33 PM, Krombopulos said:

I re-added her (since the break-up) on Facebook a few weeks ago and she's yet to accept or deny it... Today I asked if she uses facebook very much and she said not really...Well I did a bit of digging, looked at her mom's, best friend's and work friend's profile and within the past 10 days she interacted with 11 post *that I know of*.... So I'm not sure how to bring this up. 

 

You don't.  You mind your own business.  Her interactions with friends and family are not your concern.  You act like you caught her at something when you did not.

The Tinder thing is a little different.  She's likely looking for someone else.  I'd let her go and you work on your own issues.

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