Life update and where to from here

[LotusBlack]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, I'm a mom and to me especially with a baby/young child it's HUGE whether the parent in question does the work in caring for a child when you're assessing whether the parent is good with the child.  Sorry, he doesn't get to swoop in and be Fun Dad and play nicely with his son and "never yell" if he's not also regularly changing diapers, treating any diaper rash, bathing him, preparing food/feeding him, getting him down for a nap, getting him ready for an outing.  I mean sure if there's a full time governess or nanny both parents can be "good" parents and just be there for the cuddles and giggles because they outsourced all that stuff but that's typically not the case and not your case. 

There was one day my husband was out of the house for 12 hours -at work - I mean this was typical but the difference was he got back around 7:30 which was around diaper change/bath/bedtime and he walked in the house on the cellphone with his mother.  Fine. 

You know what - keep chatting but get to work - relieve the mom/your wife who's been at it for 12.5 hours with a baby.  Get the changing pad, the diapers, etc.  No, he stayed on the phone for "only" 15-20 minutes - and only on the phone, no "multi-tasking".  He didn't get it.  But then he did and it didn't happen again. This was around 12 years ago. I can still picture the situation and my feeling of resentment, frustration and mostly -exhaustion.  I can't picture ever being on a phone call like that and not multitasking especially when my child was young.  Because I never did so.

At that moment- that was a really poor parenting choice on his part and  that's also because the parent needs to be a good teammate with the other parent and not have to be told that the parent on duty for 12.5 hours might need a break ASAP.  That the call with his mom might need to wait or be a bit distracted while diaper changing, etc.  So no your husband was not being a good parent from what you described, IMHO.

Yes, part of being a good parent is actively parenting. My husband did do anything I asked him immediately whenever I asked him without complaint. My issue with him was that he shouldn’t have had to be asked. For an incredibly observant scientist, it always upset me greatly that he chose not to use his observational skills to see how overwhelmed i was, take initiative and help me without being instructed to. I translated that as not caring about and having empathy for me.

Whenever I asked him why he doesn’t, he said it was because he wasn’t sure how to. I would get mad because then he should have asked or watched me do it. I knew he could because no one that smart and capable simply would be unable to apply that to their everyday living. I interpreted it as him just not being interested in helping unless expressly asked. 

Another reason for being overwhelmed and upset is because when he was at home, he would help without question when asked, but was so often unavailable due to being at work 7 days a week. And didn’t weigh on his mind that I was at home struggling. I was out of sight so out of mind. If I were in his shoes and had to be away, I would have felt so terrible knowing my partner was at home, not coping. It would have eaten away at me. But not for my husband. 

I became a bad parent because of the stress and exhaustion and lack of care, respect, love, and support from my husband. Now I am gone. I have even less help now than when I was with my husband because now I am doing 100% alone, but I am not resentful of not having help because there is no one else to help. It’s way worse having no help when someone is there watching you struggle and chooses not to share the burden.

[Jibralta]

On 12/1/2021 at 12:59 PM, boltnrun said:

But your child would have witnessed your husband treating you poorly.

Exactly. Children become very upset when they see their loved ones being mistreated. It's traumatic.

And I don't think that your husband treating him well during the limited time they were together is proof that he would continue to do so. He knew that you were always in the wings to take the real stress off of his shoulders. That's been his modus operandi since the two of you were dating: good burst of behavior up front, then ill use.

And he was absolutely right: you quit your dream job to make sure he didn't labor under the burden of parenthood. How would things go if you were thousands of miles away? Probably much like your courtship. 

I think that people keep repeat the worry that you will reconcile with him because your response to that concern is always very lengthy and never simply, "No way." It gives that impression that the lady doth protest too much.

[tattoobunnie]

Narcissists aren't liars, but manipulators.  There are several types.  But they will use your weak points to use against you to mess with your brain.  Unless you made a legal document, what you both did won't hold up in court.