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Life update and where to from here


LotusBlack
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25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No it's not.  You weren't sterile.  Ever hear of "change of life" babies -women who believe they're in menopause and get pregnant? Happens all the time.  Unless you're sterile every time you two engaged in unprotected sex you were risking pregnancy.  Like they say about the rythym method for example -what do you call couples who use the rhythm method -"Parents".   

Surprised -yes -I was surprised I could get pregnant naturally.  We were trying to get pregnant so I was over the moon thrilled.  I'm glad you discussed the possibility of pregnancy and related plans before having unprotected sex.  

I attempted protected sex several times after the first few times but ended up very unwell with negative reactions. We tried a few methods outside of invasive, longer-term options. I found that the very small risk would be welcome to me should it ever happen as I had wanted children at some point, thought I’d expected through adoption. I was happier with that potential outcome than to try the only method that may have worked -an implant, but given my reaction to other foreign instruments, I likely would not have responded well to it. It wasn’t worth it to me to try and at 33, I didn’t want to spend several years with such a form of contraception. I’d have rather fallen pregnant and I am grateful I did because my son is the best part of me, even though my relationship has not succeeded where so hoped it would.

I am happy you were able to find success in both your relationship and having a baby, though. It is really nice when things work out happily!

 

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17 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

We do indeed interpret things differently. And that’s okay. We are different people.

Thank you for your empathy. My son and I will continue to move forward and build a new life together. I am relieved he will not have his father modelling his narcissistic behaviour to him.

 

 

Please be careful not to diagnose or label.  He's behaved like a jerk and abusively. Even if he is not diagnosed with any disorder it doesn't make his treatment of you any less horrible.  He's also your child's father and you will have to figure out how to maintain that father-son relationship and under what circumstances or outside people may figure it out for you.

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2 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I attempted protected sex several times after the first few times but ended up very unwell with negative reactions. We tried a few methods outside of invasive, longer-term options. I found that the very small risk would be welcome to me should it ever happen as I had wanted children at some point, thought I’d expected through adoption. I was happier with that potential outcome than to try the only method that may have worked -an implant, but given my reaction to other foreign instruments, I likely would not have responded well to it. It wasn’t worth it to me to try and at 33, I didn’t want to spend several years with such a form of contraception. I’d have rather fallen pregnant and I am grateful I did because my son is the best part of me, even though my relationship has not succeeded where so hoped it would.

Yes.  You are happy to have become a mom whether or not there turns out to be an involved father.  You chose not to use the option of abstaining from sex and were willing to take the risk of making a baby (because it sounds like you would not have aborted, again your choice).  I'm not sure what 33 has to do with it -do you mean you were comfortable getting pregnant on your own and therefore you likely only had about 10 years or so left before being a high risk/advanced maternal age pregnancy?

 

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5 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I am happy you were able to find success in both your relationship and having a baby, though. It is really nice when things work out happily!

Yes, in part it worked out -luck.  In large part it was based on my work and planning and choices -many years of it.  Thanks!! 

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Just now, Batya33 said:

Please be careful not to diagnose or label.  He's behaved like a jerk and abusively. Even if he is not diagnosed with any disorder it doesn't make his treatment of you any less horrible.  He's also your child's father and you will have to figure out how to maintain that father-son relationship and under what circumstances or outside people may figure it out for you.

I was very careful when using that word. And I said he was modeling narcissistic behavior, which is very accurately stated, and follows the defining behaviours categorised for such a personality.

Despite the situation, I maintain a very friendly relationship with my husband and go above and beyond to facilitate regular access and communication between my son and husband. We sat down together before I left and worked out a parenting plan that suits us both. I have done my best to separate my situation with my husband from that of his with our son. As we no longer live together, our son is not exposed to my husbands behaviour towards me, and now that I am no longer a pebble in his shoe, he is quite amiable to me, which is what our son now sees.

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2 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I was very careful when using that word. And I said he was modeling narcissistic behavior, which is very accurately stated, and follows the defining behaviours categorised for such a personality.

Despite the situation, I maintain a very friendly relationship with my husband and go above and beyond to facilitate regular access and communication between my son and husband. We sat down together before I left and worked out a parenting plan that suits us both. I have done my best to separate my situation with my husband from that of his with our son. As we no longer live together, our son is not exposed to my husbands behaviour towards me, and now that I am no longer a pebble in his shoe, he is quite amiable to me, which is what our son now sees.

That sounds like the best possible outcome.  I'm not sure what you mean by the jargon re: narcissism and am not in that field but I understand you think your son won't be subject to it as a father-son arrangement.

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18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  You are happy to have become a mom whether or not there turns out to be an involved father.  You chose not to use the option of abstaining from sex and were willing to take the risk of making a baby (because it sounds like you would not have aborted, again your choice).  I'm not sure what 33 has to do with it -do you mean you were comfortable getting pregnant on your own and therefore you likely only had about 10 years or so left before being a high risk/advanced maternal age pregnancy?

 

I’m not going to go further into my medical history or infertility issues as I’ve disclosed more than I’d intended to for the sake of demonstrating that I wasn’t behaving irresponsibly and I did my best to look at things from all angles and outcomes before proceeding with having an intimate relationship with my partner. 

As an aside, in many countries, medically speaking, a woman is considered as being of advanced maternal age at 35 and if I were to try to have another, I’d be considered so now. But my willingness to risk an unlikely pregnancy came down to my significant infertility issues that only became more significant with age. There is a lot more to it, but I don’t want to go into it on here and really had not wanted to focus so much of this thread on my having got pregnant. 

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4 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

As an aside, in many countries, medically speaking, a woman is considered as being of advanced maternal age at 35 and if I were to try to have another, I’d be considered so now. But my willingness to risk an unlikely pregnancy came down to my significant infertility issues that only became more significant with age. There is a lot more to it, but I don’t want to go into it on here.

Of course I wasn't asking for information just observing what your choices were.  Where I'm from over 35 is AMA too.  I was 41-42.  I understand your priority was to risk pregnancy to have a chance to be pregnant given the biological clock.  Others make different choices. I made different choices because I had a different perspective on and mindset about being a parent than what you have shared.  I too believed strongly I had significant fertility issues both because of my age and medical history.  I was not willing to risk a second pregnancy because we were happy with one and I had a postpartum stroke.

People are individuals and make different life choices.  I was not asking for more information and of course it's personal!.

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20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 I understand your priority was to risk pregnancy to have a chance to be pregnant given the biological clock.

I didn’t risk pregnancy to have a chance at getting pregnant! I risked a very unlikely pregnancy in order to enter into an intimate relationship with my partner, who I firmly believed was the person for me. I was accepting of a pregnancy in the event it occurred given my infertility issues, but I most certainly didn’t risk it to have a chance at it. It also had nothing to do with my biological clock, which is not the focused factor for someone with fertility issues such as mine, simply that my issues become worse with time, not because of it, like a biological clock does. 

In your effort to understand my choices, I have ended up feeling like I have to justify and defend them, which is not how I had hoped to feel with this thread. I had hoped not to discuss my pregnancy beyond that it occurred during the relationship I have just exited. But thank you for taking the time to thoughtfully read and respond to my post; I appreciate it and your insights!

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8 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I risked a very unlikely pregnancy in order to enter into an intimate relationship with my partner, who I firmly believed was the person for me. I was accepting of a pregnancy in the event it occurred given my infertility issues, but I most certainly didn’t risk it to have a chance at it. It also had nothing to do with my biological clock, which is not the focused factor for someone with fertility issues such as mine, simply that my issues become worse with time, not because of it, like a biological clock does. 

Sorry let's stop then as I continue to apparently misintepret your words.  Yes I understand the words you wrote above.  I had a different perspective and standard on what was worth the risk and you are entitled to your choices of course! I'm sorry you interpreted what I wrote as putting you on the defensive.  Not my intention or what I wrote.  As I wrote several times above I am sorry you were treated this way by your husband and that you are in this situation.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

One thing that's important is to realize he can still be a great dad even though he kind of sucks at being a husband.  And being a part-time dad might suit him better anyway.

My ex-husband is a terrific dad.  We just didn't belong together as a married couple. 

I was impressed by how she wrote above her plans to have their son spend time with his father.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry let's stop then as I continue to apparently misintepret your words.  Yes I understand the words you wrote above.  I had a different perspective and standard on what was worth the risk and you are entitled to your choices of course! I'm sorry you interpreted what I wrote as putting you on the defensive.  Not my intention or what I wrote.  As I wrote several times above I am sorry you were treated this way by your husband and that you are in this situation.

Yes, you have been quite empathetic towards my situation, and I greatly appreciate you kind words and offering your own experiences, which have been nice to read about. I am just a bit defensive as I’ve been accused before of getting pregnant on purpose and being irresponsible, etc. which simply wasn’t the case. it’s a sore spot for me because, although I desperately wanted children and to have my own family, I never would have compromised my integrity and orchestrated it at any cost, so to have that dropped at my feet by my family who know me better than that and with my fertility issues was a real kick in the stomach, especially because it wasn’t true.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

One thing that's important is to realize he can still be a great dad even though he kind of sucks at being a husband.  And being a part-time dad might suit him better anyway.

My ex-husband is a terrific dad.  We just didn't belong together as a married couple. 

That is my hope. I am a little scared that my son may end up feeling never good enough for his father. My husband once said his only “flaw” (which he didn’t feel was a flaw really) was that he is very critical of others. When I asked him if he felt he should try to work on that because it hurts others sometimes - I spoke from experience - he said “No, I’m not interested in changing that.” 

If our son should ever cause his father disappointment, and he will because he isn’t “perfect” then his dad has a tendency to become very cold, to offer his respect conditionally. The potential damage that could cause a child growing up is what I am concerned about. But, at least I have taken us out of swing that happen to me on a daily basis anyways.

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28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I was impressed by how she wrote above her plans to have their son spend time with his father.

So far, in the 3.5 weeks since we left, we have had many video chats while they we all adjust to the new situation abs environments. When things settle down, I will fall back to video chatting once a week, with flexibility for my husband depending on what time he can spare around his research commitments. And despite my bad Japanese, I am doing my best to fill the gap left by his father’s daily talking to him, so he can still have some exposure to his other language. I’m also trying to organise an immersive Japanese play group once a week for when we get out of quarantine, so he continues to develop his language skills and knowledge of Japanese culture and be able to talk with his grandparents and dad and have a relationship with them independent of me. His grandparents don’t speak English. They are very sweet people though, and I’ve told them that I will also facilitate video chats with them and my son as much as possible.

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I was wondering what kind of a husband would specifically require you to do 50% no matter how much you earn and not budge about it. Then I read about Japanese roots and everything went pretty clear lol. I love japanese culture. But yes, they are like that sometimes. Very crude about stuff, very traditional, even your remark how he said he is very critical and doesnt want to change that, is something so ordinary for them. 

I am sorry that happened, hoping you will find a better life now for you and your sons sake.

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Delaying legal separation or divorce with a narcissist is dangerous.  They will be moving money around, looking for dirt to dig up on you to show you as incompetent. They are interview lawyers, plotting to take your kids so they don't have to give you a dime with child support or alimony.  With a person like this, they broke you down and fried your brain, so you become naive and crave any possible sign of things going in a good direction. It's not...you are giving them time to find a great lawyer to screw you out of everything, including custody just to spite you.

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4 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Delaying legal separation or divorce with a narcissist is dangerous.  They will be moving money around, looking for dirt to dig up on you to show you as incompetent. They are interview lawyers, plotting to take your kids so they don't have to give you a dime with child support or alimony.  With a person like this, they broke you down and fried your brain, so you become naive and crave any possible sign of things going in a good direction. It's not...you are giving them time to find a great lawyer to screw you out of everything, including custody just to spite you.

My brother decided to put off processing his divorce because he's still "hoping". His wife has taken the opportunity to work on building a case of stalking and harassment against him. 

I would consult an attorney and at the very least file a custody order giving you full legal and physical custody, even if it's just temporary. Otherwise your husband could fly over and take your child to Japan and there would be nothing you could do to stop him.

 

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I want to second what Tattoo said about delaying legal action -- very bad idea. Especially because you are the one in the more vulnerable position. You must take action -- and a separation is simply a waste of time and resources when you are clearly divorcing. You must file, and file for custody and child support, immediately. You are setting yourself up to be put in a very bad situation. 

 

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My husband is not interested in custody because he’s married to his work. He also told me he believes a child this age should be with their mother. We drafted up a parenting plan and agreement that was signed by us both that states our son will be 100% in my care. We had to go through a lot of hoops for me to get the right kinds of permissions to leave the UK with our son and they are recognised by both the Australian and UK governments and immigration. I’m not at all worried that my husband is going to somehow travel to Aus and take my son away to another country.

I have also already filed a child support claim and Australia and the UK have reciprocal jurisdiction, so they can and will enforce it, but we both agreed going through the agency was the best thing to do rather than trying to do it privately anyway.

I am not certain he is a narcissist, but do believe he has some traits or behaviours of one, which may be learned rather than intrinsic to him. My husband, I am very certain, is not building a case against me or trying to take our son. He may treat me badly sometimes, but he’s never been a liar, rather, he’s brutally honest. He has no interest in claiming anything and to do so would be pointless because I have nothing other than our son, and having our son full-time would be detrimental to his career. He loves our son, but isn’t in a position to parent without me, nor does he want to.

I will be seeking therapy from a licensed psychologist and someone who also deals with marital/relationship issues and breakdowns as well as individual trauma and emotional abuse and go from there. My husband has agreed to joining some sessions. It May be that we can work things out, though likely not, or we will at least learn how to co-parent internationally and pursue a legal separation/divorce in a healthy and amicable way.

 

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