My girlfriend is extremely jealous and controlling.

[LameHartford]

We've been dating for year and a half. It never was perfect but now I feel like I'm suffocating. My gf's jealousy is killing me.

Back when I trusted her, I told her that I had porn addiction when I was 14 but haven't watched porn for almost 5 years since. Worst mistake. Now she constantly says that I haven't changed, that porn addiction can't go away, that I still want to watch it (I do not), that my mind is changed forever. And she's not saint, when she was a teen she liked yaoi manga and anime, BDSM. I never bring it up, never call her pornsick or a cheater, why do I get called a pervert and a liar? I don't get it.

In the beginning of our relationship she asked me to delete all friends from social media, and I did that because I didn't talk with them anyway. This summer I started to study Italian and wanted to find some native speakers to practice with but she said that it's not alright and she doesn't want me to talk with anyone online because "all people on these apps are looking for sex".

This June she started to looking through my playlist (quite often). She found some Greek songs with a woman in bikini on its cover. It caused a massive, massive fight. She said that I search for such songs on purpose, that I masturbate looking on songs' covers and that I'm cheating on her doing that. Of course, I don't do that, I don't even care what cover a song has. After few hours she forgave me but said that I have to make sure I have nothing sexual on my phone and computer. Okay, deleted all the songs that have naked or semi-naked people on the covers.

A month later, another fight. She doesn't even say what's wrong, just screams that I cannot keep my promise, that I cheat and I only think about other people. Turns out she was checking through my facebook and found a group about ancient Greece. As you know, some of Greek statues are naked. That's why I was called a cheater. I said that I like Greek culture and it's a lot more than statues' penises. Nah, she says that it's just excuses and I purposefully look for stuff with naked people. Later the same story happened with a gaming group because someone posted a semi-naked female character. Lesson learned, I deleted all the media.

She gets super mad when I want to go for a walk alone. She asked why I want to walk alone, I said that's because I enjoy listening to music while walking. Her reaction - "you imagine sex with other women while listening to songs, maybe even cheat on me pretending you are walking". The worst thing is, she doesn't even listen to me, everything I say is "just an excuse". That time she said that I do not like anything but naked women and porn.

Last weekend we were watching some kpop unboxing on YouTube, she asked if I like Blackpink, a kpop girl group. I said that I liked it two years ago. She immediately gets mad, asks why I liked them. Well, because I liked their music. No, she says that I'm lying, because everyone who likes female kpop groups likes them because of hot members and their nudity. Either I say what she wants or I'm a liar.

Today I was buying Christmas gifts. Bought something for my girlfriend - a rare Donald Duck comic book because she likes Disney. Told her that her Christmas gift is ready and her first reaction was "Is it something bad? I mean, is it some sex toys?" I calmly said that no, it's something cute, not sex toys. A hour later, again. The same question. I know she doesn't like sex toys and of course I never would buy her one. "But you like them, maybe you want to force me to use them". Sigh.

I feel like I'm going insane. I cannot enjoy songs, games, movies, nothing, because the only thoughts I have are "avoid looking at screen when there's a female". The appropriate reaction when there's a woman, any woman, is saying how ugly, fat and stupid this woman is. That's the only way my girlfriend doesn't think I want to have sex with that woman.

I wanted to leave my girlfriend many times but can't. She starts crying when we fight and I simply cannot leave her and keep suffering more to make her happy. What should I do? How can I convince her that I'm not cheating on her?

What should I do? How to convince her I'm not a cheater?

[Seraphim]

You can’t convince someone like this. Someone who constantly accuses someone of things is a lot of the time doing it themselves. 
 

Please save yourself and walk out or throw her out depending on who holds the lease. She needs serious help . 

[Lambert]

You are going insane because you are tolerating this. 

What should you do? Are you seriously asking how to stop an abuser? You can't.  All you can do is leave them. 

Why are you putting up with this?  I'm seriously asking.  

[Pleasedonot5]

1 hour ago, LameHartford said:

We've been dating for year and a half. It never was perfect but now I feel like I'm suffocating. My gf's jealousy is killing me.

Back when I trusted her, I told her that I had porn addiction when I was 14 but haven't watched porn for almost 5 years since. Worst mistake. Now she constantly says that I haven't changed, that porn addiction can't go away, that I still want to watch it (I do not), that my mind is changed forever. And she's not saint, when she was a teen she liked yaoi manga and anime, BDSM. I never bring it up, never call her pornsick or a cheater, why do I get called a pervert and a liar? I don't get it.

In the beginning of our relationship she asked me to delete all friends from social media, and I did that because I didn't talk with them anyway. This summer I started to study Italian and wanted to find some native speakers to practice with but she said that it's not alright and she doesn't want me to talk with anyone online because "all people on these apps are looking for sex".

This June she started to looking through my playlist (quite often). She found some Greek songs with a woman in bikini on its cover. It caused a massive, massive fight. She said that I search for such songs on purpose, that I masturbate looking on songs' covers and that I'm cheating on her doing that. Of course, I don't do that, I don't even care what cover a song has. After few hours she forgave me but said that I have to make sure I have nothing sexual on my phone and computer. Okay, deleted all the songs that have naked or semi-naked people on the covers.

A month later, another fight. She doesn't even say what's wrong, just screams that I cannot keep my promise, that I cheat and I only think about other people. Turns out she was checking through my facebook and found a group about ancient Greece. As you know, some of Greek statues are naked. That's why I was called a cheater. I said that I like Greek culture and it's a lot more than statues' penises. Nah, she says that it's just excuses and I purposefully look for stuff with naked people. Later the same story happened with a gaming group because someone posted a semi-naked female character. Lesson learned, I deleted all the media.

She gets super mad when I want to go for a walk alone. She asked why I want to walk alone, I said that's because I enjoy listening to music while walking. Her reaction - "you imagine sex with other women while listening to songs, maybe even cheat on me pretending you are walking". The worst thing is, she doesn't even listen to me, everything I say is "just an excuse". That time she said that I do not like anything but naked women and porn.

Last weekend we were watching some kpop unboxing on YouTube, she asked if I like Blackpink, a kpop girl group. I said that I liked it two years ago. She immediately gets mad, asks why I liked them. Well, because I liked their music. No, she says that I'm lying, because everyone who likes female kpop groups likes them because of hot members and their nudity. Either I say what she wants or I'm a liar.

Today I was buying Christmas gifts. Bought something for my girlfriend - a rare Donald Duck comic book because she likes Disney. Told her that her Christmas gift is ready and her first reaction was "Is it something bad? I mean, is it some sex toys?" I calmly said that no, it's something cute, not sex toys. A hour later, again. The same question. I know she doesn't like sex toys and of course I never would buy her one. "But you like them, maybe you want to force me to use them". Sigh.

I feel like I'm going insane. I cannot enjoy songs, games, movies, nothing, because the only thoughts I have are "avoid looking at screen when there's a female". The appropriate reaction when there's a woman, any woman, is saying how ugly, fat and stupid this woman is. That's the only way my girlfriend doesn't think I want to have sex with that woman.

I wanted to leave my girlfriend many times but can't. She starts crying when we fight and I simply cannot leave her and keep suffering more to make her happy. What should I do? How can I convince her that I'm not cheating on her?

What should I do? How to convince her I'm not a cheater?

First, I am sorry you are dealing with this abuse and toxicity. 

OP, leave the relationship. That you have stayed this long in such a toxic situation -- and worse -- capitulated to all of her unreasonable demands sheds light on just how little respect you have for yourself. You know that she is overwhelmingly jealous and controlling: you have indicated so yourself. 

Imagine being able to (1) have the friends you like, (2) listen to the music you like, (3) go on walks when you like, (4) study what you like, and (5) go wherever you like without her constantly berating, belittling, and devaluing you -- and accusing you of everything under the sun. Without her, you would be free.

You should also seek therapy -- regardless of what you end up doing -- to uncover why you have been allowing this to continue for so long. If you have insurance coverage (or if you're in an area with free or low-cost access to therapy), great. If not, certain universities have counseling clinics with supervised counselors-in-training that are generally free to use. 

This advice may be candid, but I am posting for your benefit. I hope you find it helpful. 

[lostandhurt]

Wow, you are a saint for hanging in there this long.

 So everyday you feel like you are on trial for something you haven't done.  Not much of a life and it has to be wearing you done emotionally.

  This isn't your problem, it is hers and even if you hadn't told her the truth about your ex porn addiction she would have found other reasons to keep this verbal and emotional abuse going.  She has some serious issues and you are taking the beating for them.

 Straight up she is not going to change and you will NEVER be able to convince her that you are not a cheater.  This is in her head and will stay there until she gets help but that is years and many failed relationships away from today.

  She may cry and be super upset but that is no reason to stay with her.  There is zero trust on her part and without trust there can be no true love.

  Time to end it.  Give her the gift and then give yourself a gift of peace and freedom to live your life without constant accusations and attacks on your character by breaking up with her.  There is no other way.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

Agree. You need to end this toxicity. The question is why are you tolerating this? 

Does she have mental health problems?

[Kwothe28]

She is a classic case of pathological jealousy. Either because

a) she was probably cheated before

b) she cheated before or even now and thinks everybody are like that

c) both

There is no help there. Its a delusion and she needs psychiatric evaluation and treatment. You alone cant convince her into anything as, again, she is probably delusional. She needs therapy and maybe even medication. And I am sorry, but you need to leave. Its not healthy for you to be subjected to somebody who thinks looking at Greek statues is some form of cheating. It will destroy you in the long run. It already started as you start to limit yourself to accomodate to somebody who is not in her right mind. And dont see that you should leave but think you can convince a pathological case to anything.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, LameHartford said:

I wanted to leave my girlfriend many times but can't. She starts crying

Basically this sounds like a prison. You can leave her. Do it now before there's even more damage.

It's selfish to hang on to her. If you leave she'll get the help she needs.

[MissCanuck]

It’s way past time to end this relationship.

She isn’t going to change and this is no way to live. 

[tattoobunnie]

God forbid you visit an art museum or watch an R rated film.  Not sure what more you need to hear other than she thinks you're a depraved child who can handle himself in the world.  She's a ton of bricks you should drop asap.

Edited November 23, 2021 by tattoobunnie

[boltnrun]

Is she supremely hot or something? Is she the first and only woman you've had sex with?

[DancingFool]

18 hours ago, LameHartford said:

I never bring it up, never call her pornsick or a cheater, why do I get called a pervert and a liar?

Why are you continuing to date someone who thinks you are a pervert and a liar???? This right here is reason to end the relationship yesterday. There is literally nothing normal about this kind of an attitude and when you see crazy, you step away from it instead of sticking around trying to fix it. You can't fix crazy. Full stop.

Also, have you noticed that no matter what you do, the goalposts get moved again and again? She always manufactures another thing to attack you over. This is what abusers do. You can't fix this because their goal is to keep you forever unbalanced, confused, and under constant, relentless attack. This isn't love or caring, this is pure insanity and if you don't step away, it will affect your mental health and even physical well being. That kind of constant stress causes a lot of damage.

Not only do you need to grow a spine and dump her yesterday, you also need to figure out why you want to prove yourself to someone who insults you, abuses you, controls, etc. Where is your self respect and even the most basic sense of right and wrong? How she is treating you is beyond wrong, it's appalling and yet.....you keep hanging around for more abuse. Why? Don't say love, because this is not what love looks like.

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

She seems unusually insecure, to a level that you cannot fix or help. I think you ought to end the relationship. If she cries, that is ok. She will recover. An end to an unhealthy relationship is not the end of the world. Rather, quite the opposite and a brand new, brighter beginning. 

[SooSad33]

Okay, so looking at your post title, being Extremely jealous & controlling.. So, you know this already.

I'm just wondering why you're still around all of this? 😕 

This is nothing but toxic & damaging.

I am sure you know that No One has control over who you are friends with, to the music you listen to for whatever reason!... Right?

No one has ever looked thru my phone.  No one has ever told me who I can be friends with or talk to.  And if anyone accused me of cheating, lying etc when I wasn't is cause for alarm!

Be strong and run!  Never look back.  She's a nightmare 😕 

 

 

[BecxyRex]

OP you have one life. I don’t know how old you are, but let that truly sink in. Is this how you want to spend your one precious life? The only reason she’s treating you this way is because you let her. 

[Blue68]

The simple answer to your question “What should I do?” is to leave. That’s what you want to do anyway but she’s still controlling you by making you stay. She doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and making you happy so why make yourself ill trying to make someone happy why will never be happy.  
 

You will never convince her that you aren’t a cheater because she has serious insecurity issues …. and they are pretty serious. 
 

Things won’t get better, they will only get worse. Time to grow some balls and get out! 

[catfeeder]

I can't imagine staying involved with anyone who's given me ONE dealbreaker, much less a whole list of them.

Nobody here can diagnose GF and tell you how to make her better.

You get to decide how long you want to remain in a relationship that you describe as suffocating and 'killing' you. If that's how you want to live, then that's your choice. If you decide you want out, then consider speaking with any one of the domestic violence prevention agencies online to get advice on the the best plan of exit from this person.