Jump to content

My girlfriend is extremely jealous and controlling.


LameHartford
 Share

Recommended Posts

We've been dating for year and a half. It never was perfect but now I feel like I'm suffocating. My gf's jealousy is killing me.

Back when I trusted her, I told her that I had porn addiction when I was 14 but haven't watched porn for almost 5 years since. Worst mistake. Now she constantly says that I haven't changed, that porn addiction can't go away, that I still want to watch it (I do not), that my mind is changed forever. And she's not saint, when she was a teen she liked yaoi manga and anime, BDSM. I never bring it up, never call her pornsick or a cheater, why do I get called a pervert and a liar? I don't get it.

In the beginning of our relationship she asked me to delete all friends from social media, and I did that because I didn't talk with them anyway. This summer I started to study Italian and wanted to find some native speakers to practice with but she said that it's not alright and she doesn't want me to talk with anyone online because "all people on these apps are looking for sex".

This June she started to looking through my playlist (quite often). She found some Greek songs with a woman in bikini on its cover. It caused a massive, massive fight. She said that I search for such songs on purpose, that I masturbate looking on songs' covers and that I'm cheating on her doing that. Of course, I don't do that, I don't even care what cover a song has. After few hours she forgave me but said that I have to make sure I have nothing sexual on my phone and computer. Okay, deleted all the songs that have naked or semi-naked people on the covers.

A month later, another fight. She doesn't even say what's wrong, just screams that I cannot keep my promise, that I cheat and I only think about other people. Turns out she was checking through my facebook and found a group about ancient Greece. As you know, some of Greek statues are naked. That's why I was called a cheater. I said that I like Greek culture and it's a lot more than statues' penises. Nah, she says that it's just excuses and I purposefully look for stuff with naked people. Later the same story happened with a gaming group because someone posted a semi-naked female character. Lesson learned, I deleted all the media.

She gets super mad when I want to go for a walk alone. She asked why I want to walk alone, I said that's because I enjoy listening to music while walking. Her reaction - "you imagine sex with other women while listening to songs, maybe even cheat on me pretending you are walking". The worst thing is, she doesn't even listen to me, everything I say is "just an excuse". That time she said that I do not like anything but naked women and porn.

Last weekend we were watching some kpop unboxing on YouTube, she asked if I like Blackpink, a kpop girl group. I said that I liked it two years ago. She immediately gets mad, asks why I liked them. Well, because I liked their music. No, she says that I'm lying, because everyone who likes female kpop groups likes them because of hot members and their nudity. Either I say what she wants or I'm a liar.

Today I was buying Christmas gifts. Bought something for my girlfriend - a rare Donald Duck comic book because she likes Disney. Told her that her Christmas gift is ready and her first reaction was "Is it something bad? I mean, is it some sex toys?" I calmly said that no, it's something cute, not sex toys. A hour later, again. The same question. I know she doesn't like sex toys and of course I never would buy her one. "But you like them, maybe you want to force me to use them". Sigh.

I feel like I'm going insane. I cannot enjoy songs, games, movies, nothing, because the only thoughts I have are "avoid looking at screen when there's a female". The appropriate reaction when there's a woman, any woman, is saying how ugly, fat and stupid this woman is. That's the only way my girlfriend doesn't think I want to have sex with that woman.

I wanted to leave my girlfriend many times but can't. She starts crying when we fight and I simply cannot leave her and keep suffering more to make her happy. What should I do? How can I convince her that I'm not cheating on her?

What should I do? How to convince her I'm not a cheater?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, LameHartford said:

We've been dating for year and a half. It never was perfect but now I feel like I'm suffocating. My gf's jealousy is killing me.

Back when I trusted her, I told her that I had porn addiction when I was 14 but haven't watched porn for almost 5 years since. Worst mistake. Now she constantly says that I haven't changed, that porn addiction can't go away, that I still want to watch it (I do not), that my mind is changed forever. And she's not saint, when she was a teen she liked yaoi manga and anime, BDSM. I never bring it up, never call her pornsick or a cheater, why do I get called a pervert and a liar? I don't get it.

In the beginning of our relationship she asked me to delete all friends from social media, and I did that because I didn't talk with them anyway. This summer I started to study Italian and wanted to find some native speakers to practice with but she said that it's not alright and she doesn't want me to talk with anyone online because "all people on these apps are looking for sex".

This June she started to looking through my playlist (quite often). She found some Greek songs with a woman in bikini on its cover. It caused a massive, massive fight. She said that I search for such songs on purpose, that I masturbate looking on songs' covers and that I'm cheating on her doing that. Of course, I don't do that, I don't even care what cover a song has. After few hours she forgave me but said that I have to make sure I have nothing sexual on my phone and computer. Okay, deleted all the songs that have naked or semi-naked people on the covers.

A month later, another fight. She doesn't even say what's wrong, just screams that I cannot keep my promise, that I cheat and I only think about other people. Turns out she was checking through my facebook and found a group about ancient Greece. As you know, some of Greek statues are naked. That's why I was called a cheater. I said that I like Greek culture and it's a lot more than statues' penises. Nah, she says that it's just excuses and I purposefully look for stuff with naked people. Later the same story happened with a gaming group because someone posted a semi-naked female character. Lesson learned, I deleted all the media.

She gets super mad when I want to go for a walk alone. She asked why I want to walk alone, I said that's because I enjoy listening to music while walking. Her reaction - "you imagine sex with other women while listening to songs, maybe even cheat on me pretending you are walking". The worst thing is, she doesn't even listen to me, everything I say is "just an excuse". That time she said that I do not like anything but naked women and porn.

Last weekend we were watching some kpop unboxing on YouTube, she asked if I like Blackpink, a kpop girl group. I said that I liked it two years ago. She immediately gets mad, asks why I liked them. Well, because I liked their music. No, she says that I'm lying, because everyone who likes female kpop groups likes them because of hot members and their nudity. Either I say what she wants or I'm a liar.

Today I was buying Christmas gifts. Bought something for my girlfriend - a rare Donald Duck comic book because she likes Disney. Told her that her Christmas gift is ready and her first reaction was "Is it something bad? I mean, is it some sex toys?" I calmly said that no, it's something cute, not sex toys. A hour later, again. The same question. I know she doesn't like sex toys and of course I never would buy her one. "But you like them, maybe you want to force me to use them". Sigh.

I feel like I'm going insane. I cannot enjoy songs, games, movies, nothing, because the only thoughts I have are "avoid looking at screen when there's a female". The appropriate reaction when there's a woman, any woman, is saying how ugly, fat and stupid this woman is. That's the only way my girlfriend doesn't think I want to have sex with that woman.

I wanted to leave my girlfriend many times but can't. She starts crying when we fight and I simply cannot leave her and keep suffering more to make her happy. What should I do? How can I convince her that I'm not cheating on her?

What should I do? How to convince her I'm not a cheater?

First, I am sorry you are dealing with this abuse and toxicity. 

OP, leave the relationship. That you have stayed this long in such a toxic situation -- and worse -- capitulated to all of her unreasonable demands sheds light on just how little respect you have for yourself. You know that she is overwhelmingly jealous and controlling: you have indicated so yourself. 

Imagine being able to (1) have the friends you like, (2) listen to the music you like, (3) go on walks when you like, (4) study what you like, and (5) go wherever you like without her constantly berating, belittling, and devaluing you -- and accusing you of everything under the sun. Without her, you would be free.

You should also seek therapy -- regardless of what you end up doing -- to uncover why you have been allowing this to continue for so long. If you have insurance coverage (or if you're in an area with free or low-cost access to therapy), great. If not, certain universities have counseling clinics with supervised counselors-in-training that are generally free to use. 

This advice may be candid, but I am posting for your benefit. I hope you find it helpful. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, you are a saint for hanging in there this long.

 So everyday you feel like you are on trial for something you haven't done.  Not much of a life and it has to be wearing you done emotionally.

  This isn't your problem, it is hers and even if you hadn't told her the truth about your ex porn addiction she would have found other reasons to keep this verbal and emotional abuse going.  She has some serious issues and you are taking the beating for them.

 Straight up she is not going to change and you will NEVER be able to convince her that you are not a cheater.  This is in her head and will stay there until she gets help but that is years and many failed relationships away from today.

  She may cry and be super upset but that is no reason to stay with her.  There is zero trust on her part and without trust there can be no true love.

  Time to end it.  Give her the gift and then give yourself a gift of peace and freedom to live your life without constant accusations and attacks on your character by breaking up with her.  There is no other way.

Lost

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

She is a classic case of pathological jealousy. Either because

a) she was probably cheated before

b) she cheated before or even now and thinks everybody are like that

c) both

There is no help there. Its a delusion and she needs psychiatric evaluation and treatment. You alone cant convince her into anything as, again, she is probably delusional. She needs therapy and maybe even medication. And I am sorry, but you need to leave. Its not healthy for you to be subjected to somebody who thinks looking at Greek statues is some form of cheating. It will destroy you in the long run. It already started as you start to limit yourself to accomodate to somebody who is not in her right mind. And dont see that you should leave but think you can convince a pathological case to anything.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

18 hours ago, LameHartford said:

I never bring it up, never call her pornsick or a cheater, why do I get called a pervert and a liar?

Why are you continuing to date someone who thinks you are a pervert and a liar???? This right here is reason to end the relationship yesterday. There is literally nothing normal about this kind of an attitude and when you see crazy, you step away from it instead of sticking around trying to fix it. You can't fix crazy. Full stop.

Also, have you noticed that no matter what you do, the goalposts get moved again and again? She always manufactures another thing to attack you over. This is what abusers do. You can't fix this because their goal is to keep you forever unbalanced, confused, and under constant, relentless attack. This isn't love or caring, this is pure insanity and if you don't step away, it will affect your mental health and even physical well being. That kind of constant stress causes a lot of damage.

Not only do you need to grow a spine and dump her yesterday, you also need to figure out why you want to prove yourself to someone who insults you, abuses you, controls, etc. Where is your self respect and even the most basic sense of right and wrong? How she is treating you is beyond wrong, it's appalling and yet.....you keep hanging around for more abuse. Why? Don't say love, because this is not what love looks like.

 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay, so looking at your post title, being Extremely jealous & controlling.. So, you know this already.

I'm just wondering why you're still around all of this? 😕 

This is nothing but toxic & damaging.

I am sure you know that No One has control over who you are friends with, to the music you listen to for whatever reason!... Right?

No one has ever looked thru my phone.  No one has ever told me who I can be friends with or talk to.  And if anyone accused me of cheating, lying etc when I wasn't is cause for alarm!

Be strong and run!  Never look back.  She's a nightmare 😕 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The simple answer to your question “What should I do?” is to leave. That’s what you want to do anyway but she’s still controlling you by making you stay. She doesn’t seem to care about your feelings and making you happy so why make yourself ill trying to make someone happy why will never be happy.  
 

You will never convince her that you aren’t a cheater because she has serious insecurity issues …. and they are pretty serious. 
 

Things won’t get better, they will only get worse. Time to grow some balls and get out! 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't imagine staying involved with anyone who's given me ONE dealbreaker, much less a whole list of them.

Nobody here can diagnose GF and tell you how to make her better.

You get to decide how long you want to remain in a relationship that you describe as suffocating and 'killing' you. If that's how you want to live, then that's your choice. If you decide you want out, then consider speaking with any one of the domestic violence prevention agencies online to get advice on the the best plan of exit from this person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • 7 SIGNS YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE (Even If You Don’t Think So)! 😏
      7 SIGNS YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE (Even If You Don’t Think So)! 😏 // Do you ever feel like you aren’t attractive? If yes, then you are totally normal! However, it’s time for you to know the truth. Once you learn the signs you are an attractive man and the signs you are attractive to women, your life will never be the same. This is about more than how to look good or how to attract women. These signs help you see why you actually can attract women in a way that makes them want a relationship with you! EVEN if you sometimes feel that’s impossible. Ready to learn how to know if you’re attractive and the signs you’re attractive? Let’s dive into 7 Signs You Are Attractive (EVEN If You Don’t Think So)!

       
      • 0 replies
    • The Social Minimalist | Can we be Happy without Friends?
      A minimalist lifestyle concerns itself with minimizing the number of material resources we need to be satisfied. A tremendous benefit of this approach is the reduced cost of living. The less we need, the more time, money, and energy we save. So, can we also apply minimalism to our social connections to gain the same benefits? Can we be happy with a minimal amount of friends, or even without friends? This video explores the benefits and downsides of friendship, the current state of friendships, and if we actually need friends.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Secret Habits Smart People Do Every Day
      Do you find yourself more productive in the morning or at night? Did you know that smart people tailor their work routine to whether they are a night owl or a morning bird?

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Big Warning Signs You Should Be Worried She's Not Serious About You!
      5 Big Warning Signs You Should Be Worried She's Not Serious About You!... In this dating advice video, I will be sharing with you five big warning signs you should be worried she’s not serious about you. The signs she’s not serious about you can be seen on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these big warning signs in dating and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • "Omg… I got my ex back with THIS text message!"
      Use these texts to get your ex back! In this video, I explain how one of my breakup coaching clients used a few specific text messages to get back with their ex. Learn WHEN to text your ex, WHAT to text your ex, and HOW to safely and effectively use my text message templates to get your ex back and stay together for good. Basically, this video covers exactly how to text your ex back into your arms....

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...